Monthly Archives: July 2011

Sleepy Saturdays: Sailor Moon

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I think you guys should know by now I’m pretty non-functional on Saturdays. Hung over, tired, and sleepy. I can’t even think, let alone write. That’s why on my Sleepy Saturdays I bring you the best hangover cures to sooth that aching headache, and maybe even make your stone face smile. Today I present to you one of the most perverted ideas for a show ever, Sailor Moon. Five Japanese school girls who turn into panty flashing superhero school girls. Amazing. Well, needless to say, I watched. I liked this show way too much. I could have been watching for another reason, but I can’t confirm that, see “How I Discovered Porn”.

So for all you closet Sailor Moon fans out there, here’s a trip down memory lane:

I know this song by heart. Dead serious.

Here’s where she gets all naked. Sweet!

Ahh. Wasn’t that nice? Are you filled with the warm bubbly feelings of nostalgia? I hope so. I leave you with this. If you can’t tell, that’s Sailor Mars giving a super badass kick in a skirt. Enjoy!
Sailor Mar's Panties

No Science or Religion? What Would You Think?

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Our worldview is based on many things. And you can count on the fact that either science or religion has messed with your head and influenced your ideas about stuff. For example, most people know that the earth revolves around the sun, and that the sun is a giant nuclear fusion machine composed of hydrogen and helium burning at millions of degrees. You learned that once in school, right? Okay, maybe you didn’t, stupid, but even without science we would have religion. Everyone would be taught that the earth is the center of the universe, and the sun is some god, or a big lamp created by god, or something about the gods, and god god god, whatever! There’s no way out! You either have one or the other!

So imagine a world without science or religion, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, on some land mass, with a bunch of animals, and all you have is your imagination. What would you think everything was? I mean, the human mind comes up with reasons to explain everything, even if they’re completely false. What would you think the stars were? The sun? The moon? Mountains? Lighting? I took a shot at it.

Here’s my ignorant self trying to explain some stuff to so called “enlightened” persons:

Sun Tarot

The thing that lights my day. The thing that warms me. The thing that hurts my eyes when I look at it. The thing that allows me to kill ants with my magnifying glass. I’m referring to the giant bright thing in the sky, that is Raktooku. Yeah, that’s where my ancestors come from. It’s like an island or something. But some evil ancient monkeys started a forest fire on it like a billion years. As you can see, it hasn’t stopped burning. We all had to escape to this green place, which I now call my home. Ever since I figured that out, I kill monkeys whenever I see them and burn them in fire.

Moon Tarot Card

So you remember those evil monkeys I was talking about? Yeah, they live on that other big ball in the sky; the bright silver one. That place is called Shaloopa. Shaloopa sucks big time. That place used to be pretty cool and green like my house, but the monkeys are just so stupid and evil that they ate all their trees, burned all their houses, and drank all their water. They left nothing behind. That’s why they keep coming down into my house, trying to start stuff. I’m just like, I’m so gonna burn you up.

Those sparkly things? Oh, I love them! I look at them a lot when Raktookoo floats away. Sometimes those stupid flammable monkeys get in the way on Shaloopa, but I just make it disappear with my thumb magic. You don’t know thumb magic? Yeah, I can take my short stubby finger and cover all of Shaloopa. Disappears just like that! Pretty awesome, right? Back to twinkly sparklies. That’s an easy one. One day it was raining and I had to go into a cave. I started a fire, and all the rocks around starting shining! I guess you could say it was my “Ah, hah” moment. So yes, my house, Raktookoo, and Shaloopa are in a big shiny rock cave. I am afraid, however, that if I don’t kill and burn enough monkeys, they will break our great cave and we’ll all be destroyed. That reminds me, I should go kill some more monkeys.

Okay, so I turned into a pyro monkey killer. Hey, it could happen to you! What would you turn into with your mind a blank blob? Think about it. You may surprise yourself. Damn monkeys…
Fire breathing gorilla

8 Journalists Dead After Attending Facebook Event

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On Friday, July 8th, Mark Zuckerberg hosted a Facebook event where they announced a partnership with the global internet calling platform Skype. Now Facebook users can video chat with anyone on their friends list via Skype without having to install any software on their computer. Sounds great, Zucky! Go get back at those freaks at Google! However, strange events have taken place that have put a dark shadow on the whole announcement. Today, days after the press event, eight journalists who attended the event were found dead in their homes due to apparent suicide. However, all signs showed that these men and women were all happy and all together normal people. So what was the cause for these untimely deaths? It has police stumped. The only thing authorities have to work on is the assumption is that something happened during the conference. Something sinister. Something evil.

The event started normally enough. The Zuckster came out in his classic t-shirt and genes sporting man-boobs. Everyone was happy. A buzz filled the air. The lights dimmed. The presentation began. Little did they know that some were in for a deadly surprise. Here’s what the presentation consisted of, a lot of this:

And this:

Some of this:

And of course, this:

The immediate reaction from the press, due to the large amount of log and derivative graphs, was predictable:

“omg! I’ll just read about it later. This is like water torture.”

“Im gona play solitaire if he doesn’t get on with it”

“Someone needs to bump him to get him to stop saying UM”

“After this, I need an UM detox program..”

“Logarithmic graphs? Jesus Christ.”

“Why did I get an invite to this?”

“*sigh* just say it already, we don’t care about this filler stuff,”

“Get to the point!”

“Zzzzzzzz.”

All seemingly normal reactions to a very, very, very boring presentation. But some other comments of a different sort also started popping up:

“@Facebook event. Can only see #black.”

“Zuck’s eyes are burning with emerald hatred. My heart is on fire.”

“Want to die. I offer my soul to the harbinger.”

It was the consensus of most of the press that Zuck Zook was never a good presenter; after all, he is just a big nerd who started Facebook to get laid. But after the event, as most people just went on with their lives, others followed a darker path. A path to suicide. No one knows why these 8 people decided to take their lives. All we know is that they all attended the conference, and the conference was extremely boring. Could they have been bored to death? Perhaps we’ll never know.

-Maxim

I Think I’m Some Sort of Hero

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Yesterday, I stumbled upon a strange mystical weblog. This weblog was entitled Me Vs. The Normal People, and was hosted in a world similar to the land of Oz. Upon visiting this blog, I was commanded to search for a mystical animal native to the strange land called the Zebragus. So I, armed with my neon slippers, and my faithful Pistol Shrimp companion, headed off on to quest for this elusive flying wonder.

We searched far and wide. Over the rainbow, above the clouds, under the gorilla humping the shark, in the birthday cake, in the alligators mouth, on the house on the golden horse that shoots beams from his eyes back… EVERYWHERE! We even met Waldo! We were thinking about giving up, when suddenly, from under the shadow of the whale with wings, from behind the clouds, came the mystical Zebragus! And what a majestic beast he was!

For our victory, me and my Pistol Shrimp of a partner were given a plaque. We shall hang it up with pride! We were also allowed to ride some of the kick-ass animals. Fuck yeah.

Thank you world similar to that of Oz. I shall never forget thee.

Women Have Been Lying to Men for Thousands of Years

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You know the old saying, “Giving birth is like squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon”. That’s what women use to describe that gross process to stupid men like me. But I’ve recently discovered evidence that this whole idea of a so called “painful childbirth”, is just a big rouse thousands of years in the making. Yes, a rouse just to give women an edge during fights with us guys. It’s the end all to any challenge of their power! What can we say back to “we give childbirth”? How about, “Well when we pass kidney stones, it hurts like hell, too”. Nah, that won’t work. We had nothing, until now.

The secret has been revealed, gentlemen. Giving birth to a child is actually an incredibly pleasurable experience. In fact, it gives many women orgasms. How can that be, you ask? Let’s hear what Dr. Christiane Northrup, an OBGYN and author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”, has to say about it: “When the babies coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.” WHAT THE HELL!? You’re telling me that not only are women getting orgasms from giving birth, but the tool of that orgasm is their own baby going out of their vagina. Just think about that for a second.

First, why didn’t we realize this before, and second, GROSS! Women have made a grave mistake letting this secret slip out. No longer will women have the upper hand. No longer will we bow down and sit idly by while the control the earth. We know the truth. They’re just a bunch of goddamned baby perverts. Gross, gross, gross.

For more information about orgasms during childbirth, watch this.

The “F” Word and Mad Libs

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Anyone who knows me knows I say this word a lot. Maybe a little bit too much. I’ve even had the occasional “stop cussing so much you dumb shit” thrown at me. So what? It’s not my fault. It’s society! I was an innocent boy. I didn’t know anything of this horrid word! I still remember the day I was made to scream the word at the top of my lungs in front of my house, not knowing the poison that had entered me. After that it was all over. The word took over my life.

Now add this glorious word to Mad Libs. If anyone doesn’t remember Mad Libs, it was a game where you would fill in a bunch of random nouns, verbs, adjectives and so on. When you were done, you would then read a short passage, putting in your chosen words in blank spaces for a hilarious outcome. While I was younger we had a bunch of these books lying around, so, armed with my new word, and not knowing what any of the parts of speech meant, would put fuck, and other funny words, into madlibs.

Here is me trying to emulate my mad libs when ten. Libbed words in bold.

Good Stuff

Are you bothered by fuck fuck? Do you feel penishead every day? Does your poop hurt? Then fuckadilly is for you! This turd, fucker treat is chock-full of cock.

Here is what Douche Slaboosh of Dumbass, Montana had to say about fuckadilly. “I start every day with fuckadilly. It’s simply bastard! Even my fucking loves it.”

Don’t delay! Buy fuckadilly today!

Now that was pretty awesome. Though I do have to admit, I have gotten slightly better and mad libs now that I know what a verb is. Here is adult Maxim doing mad libs.

New Year’s Resolutions

It was New Year’s Day, and I was watching penisball on TV with my friends Shirly Fucku, Amanda Huggenkiss, Bob Fart, and Chad Douche.

“Hey, Amanda Huggenkiss,” Bob Fart said, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

“I am going to learn to play the ass flute,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents douchy.”

“That’s slutty,” said Shirly Fucku. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless spectral bats and pistol shrimps. They are so cute. How about you, Bob Fart?”

“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the dildos and the semen in the dishwasher without being asked.”

“I want to improve my grades,” said Chad Douche. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”

They all turned to me.

“What is your New Year’s Resolution, Maxim?”

“I’m not making one,” I said. “I’m perfectly black already!”

What do you think? Have I improved? Try doing some yourself. I can assure you, it’s just as funny doing it now as it was back then.

-Maxim

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Blob

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I wonder how many people nowadays even remember this gelatinous ball of acidic goo. A single bacteria genetically mutated in space, comes back to earth to wreak havoc on us humans. The blob chills in its victims, on ceilings, even traveling through drain pipes to get what it wants, which is to quench its insatiable hunger.

It is the blob, and we sat down with it to ask some questions in this exclusive interview.

MM: So I just want to start off by saying I’m a big fan of yours. You know when I was young, I would always be afraid that you would come in through the vent above my toilet when I was taking a dump.

Blob: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, that’s classic. I was into that for a while. Not so much anymore, after the lawsuits.

MM: You know a lot of people think that you kill indiscriminately, but that’s not true is it?

Blob: No man, like all monsters, I got certain tastes. I mean, I do absorb my victims into my own being, so I got to choose carefully.

MM: So we got a lot of questions from our readers. A lot of them want to know how if you’ve ever gotten close to anyone? Or do you just eat everyone before you get that chance?

Blob: No, I go out with a bunch of guys in the neighborhood once in a while for a few drinks. That group has noticeably gotten smaller though. It’s hard to control my urges when drunk.

MM: I see. So we haven’t seen you around lately, what have you been up to?

Blob: Well, as you know I was mostly destroyed back in ’88. I’ve had to keep a low profile after that, so I opened up a small cat cafe in Portland, Oregon. I’m doing quite well for myself.

MM:Cat cafe?

Blob:Yeah, it’s all the rage in Japan. People come in and there are just a bunch of cats everywhere. People can order drinks and hang out with all the cats. It’s getting quite popular.

MM: There are actually places like that? I’ll have to stop by sometime. Big cat fan. So Blob, I have to ask you, you’re an acidic pile of goo with a taste for human flesh, how do you stop yourself from killing everyone and everything in site?

Blob: I have no comment on that.

MM: Hey, my assistants gone! Blob, you didn’t!

Blob: Hah hah!

Hope you enjoyed our interview with the famous Blob! And if you’re ever in the Portland area, don’t forget to check out his cafe, Witty Kitty Witty.

Until next time,

Maxim

Ronald Reagan: Still Keeping the World in Check

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Ronald Reagan is a total badass. He was a super sexy screen actor for years, became President of the United States, won the Cold War, and broke up the Soviet Union. He’s everything Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to be but couldn’t. He’s the real life superman from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It’s no wonder that statues of this real life super god are popping up all over the world.

On the fourth of July, the British erected a 10 foot statue of the brashing and muscular President Reagan in London to honor his legacy. But this isn’t the only statue of this communist killing sexbomb. Not even close. There are tons of other statues all over the world, from Budapest, Hungary, to Katowice, Poland, and even all the way to Doylstown, Pennsylvania. But why is it that these statues are suddenly popping up everywhere? It’s quite well known that the golden boy Reagan influenced everyone around him to love and cherish American values; including democracy, kicking commie ass, and just being totally swell. Well, this wasn’t just a saying. It’s literally what happens when people are around him, like magic. Every statue of the god Reagan comes complete with a little piece of the wonderous being embedded inside. This makes the statues, in effect, act like little Reagans, converting fighters from around the world to kill America’s enemies. Take a look at some of the scenes at places where these statues are going up.


Glorious, isn’t it? I personally can’t wait until every city and township across this great planet has a Reagan statue. The world would certainly be a much better, and sexier place. Oh, well. I’ll just have to be content with my American freedom fighter angel wings Ronald Reagan action figure for now. *sigh*

-Maxim

How I Discovered Porn

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I think every living, breathing person on this earth has watched porn at one time or another. Do you remember the exact moment it happened? Did you catch your parents watching it? Did your brother show it to you? Did someone at school tell you about it? Did you have HBO as a kid? I bet you can’t even remember exactly how you learned about this fundamental human right. Well, it just so happens I remember exactly how I did. And I got to say, it changed my life forever.

I was a young, strapping, innocent boy of around 9 or 10. If you’ve kept up on the blog at all, definitely around my exploratory girl toy phase. This was the time when the internet really starting booming, and my house was connected, oh yeah. We had a brand new Mac Power PC 6500 with 300 MHz of pure silicone heaven, connected to a blazingly fast 56k dial-up modem. We could be hooked up to the internet in all of 1.5 minutes. It was amazing.

A lot of times when my older brother would have friends over, I would shadow them. I was pretty cool myself, and had hundreds of my own friends, but there was something really special about hanging out with 14 year-olds. It was so awesome. So one day, my brother had a friend over named Aaron. My brother thought it would be a good idea to go on our new computer and surf the web for a little. They went on to the best search engine at the time, excite, and were trying to figure out what they were going to look up. With a malicious look on his face, Aaron jumped into the drivers seat and typed in four letters. The most important and influential four letter of my life. P-O-R-N, porn. Me not having heard of this word before thought nothing of it, but my brother, with superhuman speed and agility, jumped over his friend, and deleted the search. This was the impetus that would change everything.

As a curious and tech savvy 10 year old would, I committed the word to memory, and waited for a time where I had the computer to myself to see what this forbidden word was. When the time finally arrived, I went back to excite, typed in the word, and hit search. What awaited me was beyond anything in my wildest dreams.

A world of naked women lay before me. All I had to do was click, and I had access to blonds, brunettes, asians, whatever! Pictures of all the most beautiful women I had ever seen, with breasts! I had discovered the greatest thing in my life. Better than toys, better than friends, definitely better than school. I had been so entranced by porn that I had become immediately addicted. I wanted to watch it at all times. I started pretending I was sick so I could stay at home at watch it. I remember looking at a list of my absences and I had missed over 20 days for the school year. There are only about 20 weekdays in month, so I missed about a month of school that year to look at pictures of naked women. That has to be a record for a 10 year old.

Since my mom has an avid reader of my blog now (fuck), and I had never told her this story (or anyone for that matter), I had to come clean to her her before publishing; just to make sure she wouldn’t still be angry over something I did almost 15 years ago. She was surprised, but also told me “It’s totally normal for an elementary school boy to do that kind of SHIT”. Love you, Mom.

If you want to talk to your kids about porn, like my parents failed to do with me, go to this website… it will help. Hahahahaaahhahahahaahhaahhahah!

The Porn Talk

Sleepy Saturdays: Monsters Under Your Bed

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I never personally believed in this, but I’ve been giving it some seriously thought recently. If you actually believed that there were monsters under your bed, how frickin’ scary would that have been? Just some huge malevolent force chillin’ under your bed. These monsters don’t just appear out of nowhere. First you need something to give you idea; Steven Spielberg’s “Poltergeist” would work (the origin of all clown fears, damn clown monster). I must of seen this movie hundreds of times when I was a kid.

The next step is imagination, and a kids imagination can royally fuck them. Look at these real monsters that kids have come up with:



And there you have it. The basis for all mentally disturbed children. You think child abuse, and divorces fuck up children? Imagine a kid thinking there’s a huge thing trying to eat them under their bed all the time. No comparison.

-Maxim