8 Journalists Dead After Attending Facebook Event

On Friday, July 8th, Mark Zuckerberg hosted a Facebook event where they announced a partnership with the global internet calling platform Skype. Now Facebook users can video chat with anyone on their friends list via Skype without having to install any software on their computer. Sounds great, Zucky! Go get back at those freaks at Google! However, strange events have taken place that have put a dark shadow on the whole announcement. Today, days after the press event, eight journalists who attended the event were found dead in their homes due to apparent suicide. However, all signs showed that these men and women were all happy and all together normal people. So what was the cause for these untimely deaths? It has police stumped. The only thing authorities have to work on is the assumption is that something happened during the conference. Something sinister. Something evil.

The event started normally enough. The Zuckster came out in his classic t-shirt and genes sporting man-boobs. Everyone was happy. A buzz filled the air. The lights dimmed. The presentation began. Little did they know that some were in for a deadly surprise. Here’s what the presentation consisted of, a lot of this:

And this:

Some of this:

And of course, this:

The immediate reaction from the press, due to the large amount of log and derivative graphs, was predictable:

“omg! I’ll just read about it later. This is like water torture.”

“Im gona play solitaire if he doesn’t get on with it”

“Someone needs to bump him to get him to stop saying UM”

“After this, I need an UM detox program..”

“Logarithmic graphs? Jesus Christ.”

“Why did I get an invite to this?”

“*sigh* just say it already, we don’t care about this filler stuff,”

“Get to the point!”

“Zzzzzzzz.”

All seemingly normal reactions to a very, very, very boring presentation. But some other comments of a different sort also started popping up:

“@Facebook event. Can only see #black.”

“Zuck’s eyes are burning with emerald hatred. My heart is on fire.”

“Want to die. I offer my soul to the harbinger.”

It was the consensus of most of the press that Zuck Zook was never a good presenter; after all, he is just a big nerd who started Facebook to get laid. But after the event, as most people just went on with their lives, others followed a darker path. A path to suicide. No one knows why these 8 people decided to take their lives. All we know is that they all attended the conference, and the conference was extremely boring. Could they have been bored to death? Perhaps we’ll never know.

-Maxim

9 thoughts on “8 Journalists Dead After Attending Facebook Event

    • Yes, we are a boring bunch, aren’t we? I do think Zucks presentations are particularly potent though. Have you tried watching them? You want to bang your head on your computer screen after 3.7 seconds.

  1. All I can say…again…is it must be the mixture of the crazy Irish, the uptight German, the who knows what Lithuanian and Russian Jewish.

    Who could have thought all this up by himself. Only my second son Max. And the middle child at that!!

    Your mother.

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