Two Things That Have Me Worried About the World

Worried FaceDo any of you read the news? Do the people writing the news even read what they are writing, because any sane person would of noticed something a little strange going on recently. I’m going to break the news to you right on this blog, because I believe I have a responsibility to the citizens of the world… and I don’t want to die.

I do read the news, often, and things like this don’t escape these keen eyes, no they don’t. I read two things in the news this past week. Yeah, sure, they were seemingly unrelated…one about a naturally occurring phenomenon and one about a breakthrough in scientific research. Sounds fun, right? Wrong. Although I had read them about a week apart from each other, as soon as I finished reading the second article, something clicked in my head. I read the article again, not knowing what this feeling could be. Suddenly my mind flashed back to an article I had read a week before. I read that one again, too. A feeling of dread swarmed over me, “I can’t believe we’ve actually come to this?” As the realization seeped through my brain as I read more and more, I suddenly blurted, “This is some 007 shit right here”. I couldn’t be more right.

So what the hell happened? First off is the development of a real life tractor beam. Yes, just like in Star Trek. You know, that beam that the Enterprise used whenever they wanted to stop a push around that asshole romulan, or grab some random space junk and put it into their cargo bay. Yeah, that. Think giant space net. Something that can pull shit using laser beams. And NASA is actually developing something like that. Yeah, I know most of you are thinking to yourselves, “Holy bajeezus! That is totally awesome sauce!”. Yeah, maybe. Listen to this next bit before you make any judgments.
Enterprise Tractor Beaming
You’ve probably heard about this one. A giant aircraft carrier sized meteor made a close flyby of earth last week. It’s come so close, it passed between the earth and the moon. No it didn’t hit, and had there was no possibility of it hitting, but shit man, It came between the earth and the moon! That’s pretty damn close. Like way too close!
Asteroid Hitting Earth
So we had, A, the development of a real life tractor beam, and, B, a giant meteor making a close flyby of earth. I don’t think it takes a genius to realize why that made me worry. Who hasn’t seen a James Bond flick? Octopussy, or Goldfinger, or some other evil genius steals the blueprints of a giant tractor beam from NASA in a volcano, and threatens to use it on the passing meteor unless the world gives him billions of dollars! Doesn’t anyone else see this happening??? There is another flyby of a large meteor happening soon! There’s one in 2013, and in 2029! And that’s just the ones we know about. W Octopussy could of put millions of dollars into some crazy asteroid detecting radar. He could catch us off guard real quick. We need to up our defenses on this, guys. We need James Bond (or Austin Powers, he seems to get the job done too).

Link Found Between Liking Cute Animals and Perverseness

Baby and CatThe liking of cute animals has been a staple of western civilization for centuries. In recent years, due to the advent of television and the internet, images of cute animals have spread across the globe. Countless books, television shows, and websites have been dedicated to the collection of cute animal pictures of videos for animal lovers viewing pleasure. However, a new psychological study shows that perhaps they’re doing this for something deeper than just a quick laugh. It has been found that there is a large link between liking and taking care of cute animals, and possible perverseness, more specifically, pedophilia.

In an experiment done at the University of Michigan, researchers were able to determine this perverseness via a controlled experiment using volunteers reactions to certain images. Researchers gathered a group of animal lovers, and another group with no strong feelings towards animals one way or another. The researches split the volunteers into two groups, with members from both the animal loving group and the neutral group. The control group was shown a set of pictures featuring cute animals, while the other group was given a set of images with a mix of not only cute animal photos, but pictures of children at the beach, children at the playground, children at school, children in the restroom, children playing in the dirt, children on slip and slides, children breast-feeding, and so on. For each picture, the viewers were able to select whether they had positive, neutral, or negative feeling towards what they were seeing.
Kid and Dog
The results were quite clear. From the control group, as expected, the animal lovers rated the animal pictures highly, while the neutral volunteers rated them for the most part in the middle. For the experiment group, not only did the animal lovers rate the animal pictures highly, an astounding 71% of the group also rated the pictures of children favorably. On the contrary, only 6% of the neutral group exposed to the children rated them favorably. What does this mean? There is an indisputable connection between liking cute animals and being attracted to children.

To most in the scientific community, this result serves as assurance of an idea already widely accepted. It is an easily observable fact that people scream who out at zoos in glee, or people who watch shows dedicated to just these animals, have some sort of psychological disorder. Now they have they proof they were after. The results are still preliminary, but researchers are now suggesting that parents keep their kids away from these freaks if seen. They may try to take your child as a pet and rape them.

Signing of from the zoo,

-Maxim
Baby and Cat Sleeping

Sleepy Saturdays: Ice Cream Cone or Klu Klux Klan Member?

Hello and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

I found this gem on CNN the other day. I think it is safe to say that the Klan is taking over the family ice cream business in their plans for a resurgence.

Careful guys. That family is full of KKK liars!

Captain Planet is a Good Alien

You may have seen this video making its rounds around the internet.

It’s a video of the famous Captain Planet. But the Captain Planet portrayed here is not the Captain Planet we grew up with and learned to love, this Captain Planet is a fucking impostor. This is pure propaganda by big corporations and polluters to destroy the image of the earths last defender. He’s the captain of the frickin’ planet, for gods sake. Why would you do this to him. Can’t you see that this person is just a black guy in makeup? Not convinced? Let me explain to you some things about the real green savior of the world.

Captain Planet does not fire things out of his genitalia

As much as we may imagine his package packing a punch, Captain Planet does not fire beams out of his junk. This is just ridiculous. Captain planet is blessed with the powers of all the five elements, earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. What would he need penis power for? He can make plenty of those with Earth + Fire + Water, and a little heart. With those powers combined, I’m sure he can you make you feel mighty fine if you let him.

Captain planet does does not swear

Captain planet is the embodiment of the earth’s power. He does not pollute his mouth with such foul sounds as “punkass”, “dickhole”, “bitches”, and “mother fucker”. What he does fill his mouth with, however, are gems like: “I feel like a brand new hero!”, “Next time, Planeteers, go solar. Not kaboom”, “Call me Captain Combustion, a spontaneous kinda guy”, and best of all, “Some days you’re the spider, some days you’re the fly. And it’s a fly day for me”. What a wordsmith.

Captain Planet says “The power is yours”, not “The power is mine”

This is the smoking gun. How could those stupid propagandists get such a simple Captain mannerism so wrong? Captain planet likes to give power, not receive it. Most captains would take a little bit of the power, just to try it once, but not our captain. He gives power to all the little children of the world. All of them. Like the tooth fairy, or Jesus.

Captain Planet is a good alien. He does not shoot shit out of his junk to turn humans into trees. He does not swear. And he gives a hole load of power to everyone around the world. If you can’t see through this propaganda, you’re beyond hope, and I pity you, and pray for the world.

Until next time,

-Maxim

Captain Planet

The Short Memories of Men

In this global recession millions all around the world are out of work. Countries are spending billions of dollars on their economies to create jobs and get people back to work. Yet there is a group who has not recievedd any attention from world governments, or even any coverage by the media. A group that has been suffering not for decades, not for centuries, but for millennia. They are the ancient gods of yore, long forgotten by men. Most if not all of their power is lost to them. Yet they are left to live among us. Immortal yes, but pained with unemployment, perhaps until the end of time. This is the story of three of these gods trying to survive in a strange world.

ZeusStuffed at the drive through booth of a Dairy Queen, the Greek god of thunder, and king of Mount Olympus, Zeus, talks to us in the parking lot. “It’s a load of bull crap if you ask me. These humans have ten years of trouble and they complain like it’s the end of the world. You know what that feels like to an immortal? I walk to the toilet to take a shit, come back and my boss is dead and some young up and comer asshole is asking me who I am. Who I am! We’ve been out of a job since that douche-bag Jesus told everyone to worship Big Blue Eyes. That’s what we called him back then, the little punk. Look at him now, with all his fame and power. He would of been nothing it if weren’t for us! We raised that guy from obscurity, gave him a chance. Now he’s fucking us all in the ass till the end of time.”

HeimdallrHere’s a god not doing too poorly. We caught up with the Norse god, Heimdallr, in a cramped office in Chinatown. Heimdallr was the deity charged to keep a lookout for the coming of Ragnorok, or as some may call it, the end of the world. He is also known to be the whitest of the gods. Big Blue Eyes gave Heimdallr a little bit more responsibility in the new order. “Yeah Ol’ Blue made me an angel or whatever. Something to do at least. I’m the angel in charge of skin pigment deficiencies. It’s not a glorious job or anything but somebody’s got to do it. No it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m super white. I’m white because I god damn choose to be white, asshole. He wouldn’t mock me… no… he wouldn’t…he couldn’t…”

OsirisLastly we caught up with the Egyptian god Osiris, god of death and guardian of the underworld. We found the green skinned god underground in a series of ancient sewers below Paris. “I am the king of rats. I wish to be called Rat King Omega. I control the rats. They are my friends and lovers. Big Blue Fag can’t take that away from me. He can’t control me or my rats! I’m the god of rats, the god of rats I say! I’ll give you one for a Euro. Feind, stop touching my blanket!”

So there you have it, three gods, three unhappy and mistreated souls. Destined to spend all of eternity at fast food chains, or swimming with the dregs of the earth. Perhaps if the human race began to care more about these forgotten gods, they would regain some of their power, and maybe be a little happier. They can only hope.

Until next time,

Maxim

Lost iPhone 5 Just an Elaborate Rouse, Steve Jobs Tape Revealed

Carboard iPhone 5Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.

“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”

The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.

The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.

No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.
I Believe You, STEVE

For more information visita a real news source.

America is Under Attack… And I Know Who’s Doing It

Welcome to part 3 of my vacation series! Have you been keeping up all week? I’m sure you have! Many of you know that last month I returned to my home sweet home in the beautiful United States, but what you probably didn’t know is that I also invited the girl who likes to call me her boyfriend. She happens to be Japanese and it was her first time out of Japan. How exciting, right? No, I was naive.

Everything seemed to be normal. We were havin a great time seeing the sights, driving around, shopping, and taking cute pictures with way to many peace signs.  But I soon realized that soon after we would leave an area, some strange sort of destruction would occur there. This kept happening over and over again, and I had begun to grow very suspicious. Listen to this…

For the first couple of days we drove up to see Niagara Falls. It was a beautiful place. Yet the next day, for the first time in decades, a Japanese college student fell fell into the river over the falls and to her death. They haven’t found the body. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she told me that people slip and fall on wet rocks all the time, this just happened to be on the side of a large waterfall. Curious.

Next. We spent the rest of our trip in New York. We had a great time. Until finally it was time to go home. We take off in an airplane, back to Japan. I returned home and soon after, the east coast has its first major earthquake in 50 years. I mentioned this to her as well. She told me that the east coast was due for a large earthquake, and it’s nothing to be scared of. “In Japan, we have earthquakes everyday, pussy!”, she boasted. Very curious.

And finally yesterday, yet again another huge natural disaster is on its way up the east coast. A once in a century, category 4 hurricane, which promises to be one of the most damaging and expensive hurricanes ever, and we just happened to leave just a couple of days ago, again. Coincidence? I think not. I was under the impression my girlfriend was a Japanese spy tasked with the destruction of America. Evil bitch.
Japanese Spy

Under the guise as her loving girlfriend, I entered her parents house (aka Ninja central) yesterday evening. I was looking for evidence of the terrible things she may have done, hoping not to find what I sought. What I found was worse than I could of possibly imagined.

The Japanese girl who fell in Niagara? A defecter who took asylum in the states years ago, feeding the US with information on the the movements of other covert ninja operatives in North America. My girlfriend made short work of her, though. Attaching a small slip gel dispensor on the womans shoes covertly, she patiently waited until the girl was taking photos next to the falls. Using a remote device, she dispensed the super secret Japanese engineered gel. The rest is history. She won’t be causing my girlfriend any trouble anymore.

How about our trip around New York and the surrounding area? Reconnaissance. We drove for countless hours in the countryside. Now that I think about it she was always holding this device which looked deceivingly like a cell phone. In actually, it was a geological surveryor, which could detect weaknesses in faultlines. After our departure from the states, the Japanese governement used the information she gathered for their secret underground plate shifting resinating wave. The resulting earthquake caused destruction to some of our most beloved monuments.

And the most recent and dangerous blow, in motion as we speak: My girlfriend had mentioned several times over the course of the trip that she was a “rain woman”, a cursed soul who causes rain to fall whenever they are walking around. It did rain a lot while we were there, but I just played it off as bad luck. Little did I know the Japanese government had actually developed a weather changing device. My girlfriends third and most calculating task was was to test this device for their master plan… creating and setting loose a massive hurricane to destroy the most populated city centers in the US. The category 4 hurricane is on its way as we speak.

How had I been so naive? My girlfriend had been using me all along. I was a tool in the an attack on my homeland, the likes which had never been seen since 1945. She brought us Pearl Harbor 2. How could I ever forgive myself?

Who knows what other diabolical schemes she and the ninjas have up their sleeve…
Banzai!

So, yeah, my girlfriends a spy, a fucking ninja. Hot!

Greatest Archeological Discovery In Last Century Found in Jerusalem

The BellA team has just announced that last week in Jerusalem they had uncovered one of the most astounding archeological finds of our time. The team, searching a series of ancient sewers under Jerusalem, found a half inch golden bell hidden among debris.   “It’s an astounding find” said Eli Shukron of the Israel Antiquities Authority, “You can only hope for a discovery like this in your lifetime. I’m quite thrilled that my team and I get a chance to research this brilliant object.”

It is easy to see why the bell is causing so much excitiment in the archeology world. When Shukron shook the bell for reporters yesterday, the sound was absolutley divine, and very familiar. The immediate consensus around the room was that the sound was almost exactly like the sound of when you bang two lego men together. “We came to the same conclusion.” Shukron explained. “The sound is so universal, so primal. Any child could recognize this sound.” The ramifications of this find could rock the basis of history. It’s a well known fact that the sound of two lego men are banging together can only occur when you are actually playing with legos, whether they be fighting, or when they run into each other by accident during deep space exploration. There is no other known way to reproduce the unique sound. To confirm the research teams suspicion, an X-ray was taken of the bell. This is what they found.
Bell X-ray
Legos were thought to be first created in 1932 by Danish Inventor Kirk Christiansen. The only possible explanation of this find is that Legos are far more ancient than anyone has ever dreamed. Researchers are pouring through all available information, trying to identify who’s bell this actually was, though they think they have found a very important clue. On the top of the bell is a small loop which they believe was the mark of a Jerusalem brothel founded around the same period as the bell, named Legothiam. “This is a very important clue as to the origin of the bell, and perhaps all Legos. This specially designed loop was probably threaded, and embroidered into the clothes owned by the prostitutes. The sound was was probably a call to men of the city to come to the brothel, similar to today.”

We have contacted lego and they gave us this statement: “We are quite certain that Kirk Christiansen created Legos, and we are calling for a full investigation into the matter”.

Many questions still remain in this mystery, but it is no doubt that this will probably rewrite history as we know it.

For more coverage on this story, please visit these reputable news sources:

Boston Globe

USA Today

The White House Rainbow Room Finally Revealed

The Rainbow RoomAs you probably know, Republicans and Democrats are hard at work trying to negotiate to raise to our nations debt ceiling. If they fail, they risk another economic meltdown similar to the one that occurred in 2008. Failure is not an option. These politicians are hard at work, meeting everyday to try and bridge the cap between their fundamental differences and beliefs. They’re working to save the American people. Needless to say, it is a very stressful situation for everyone involved. That being said, President Obama understands this, and has come up with a way for politicians to release their stress after intense negotiations. It’s called the Rainbow Room, and it has gained incredible popularity among politicians.

What actually happens inside the Rainbow Room however, has been the subject of intense scrutiny. We do know though, that it has gained so much popularity that it is beginning to affect the negotiations adversely. All members can think about is what happens after the meeting, so they can go to the rainbow room and do… whatever it is they do in there. President Obama was so distracted in one meeting, he lashed out at Representative Eric Cantor in frustration, and ended the meeting early. He could be heard after running through the halls of the White House screaming “Rainbow Room!!!”.

So what is the Rainbow Room? What we do know is the Rainbow Room is nothing like the other rooms of the white house, like the Blue Room, the Green Room, and the Red Room. We also know it was a secret project approved by President Obama right after he was sworn in, and only elected officials and White House staff are allowed to enter. No one has ever seen anything that goes on in the infamous Rainbow Room, until now. Through one of our secret White House insiders, we were able to acquire photos of an average night in the Rainbow Room. We warn you, some of these images are extremely graphic.
Representative Eric CantorRepresentative John BoehnerPresident Barack Obama

The photos give us more questions than answers, obviously. We will continue to investigate this “Rainbow Room”. We will make one observation though, it seems to be a place of incredible gayness.

-Maxim