Welcome again to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays, where it is my mission to get you out of that post Friday funk. Today on Sleepy Saturdays I have a video for you. Now, this isn’t your typical video. Most of you will be so confused and horrified, that you probably won’t even want to watch it until the end. But I have faith that you will come back. Without knowing you have already submitted your mind to the whim of the magical sheep, which I have fondly named Charlie. So without no further ado, I give you…Charlie, the magical sheep.
Monthly Archives: July 2011
Mini Robots Out to Destroy Humanity
What do you see when you look at this picture? It has eight legs, a screw like base, geometric shaped body… I think if you asked any kid what they thought that was, they would say it looks like a robot. But no, you go to biology class, and they tell you that it’s something called a virus. They make us sick, even kill us. Scientists don’t even consider these things alive. Yet they believe that they’re totally natural beings.
When did we get so naive? It’s obvious what it is. This is a microscopic killer robot. There is no other explanation. These robots seek out targets and destroy them indiscriminately. The question is, who designed these robots and how do we stop them?
Are our scientists being controlled by alien beings? Lying to us about the nature of these things? We must find out, and soon… before we all catch another cold. I will investigate this breakthrough further…until then, may god help you.
Testicular Deformations and Why Sex Ed is Important
Testicular Deformations and Why Sex Ed is Important.
A stunning review of my blog (and me) by Necrotic Hijinks. He was even kind enough to show me pictures of my birth. For this I am eternally grateful.
The End of the World
Greatest Archeological Discovery In Last Century Found in Jerusalem
A team has just announced that last week in Jerusalem they had uncovered one of the most astounding archeological finds of our time. The team, searching a series of ancient sewers under Jerusalem, found a half inch golden bell hidden among debris. “It’s an astounding find” said Eli Shukron of the Israel Antiquities Authority, “You can only hope for a discovery like this in your lifetime. I’m quite thrilled that my team and I get a chance to research this brilliant object.”
It is easy to see why the bell is causing so much excitiment in the archeology world. When Shukron shook the bell for reporters yesterday, the sound was absolutley divine, and very familiar. The immediate consensus around the room was that the sound was almost exactly like the sound of when you bang two lego men together. “We came to the same conclusion.” Shukron explained. “The sound is so universal, so primal. Any child could recognize this sound.” The ramifications of this find could rock the basis of history. It’s a well known fact that the sound of two lego men are banging together can only occur when you are actually playing with legos, whether they be fighting, or when they run into each other by accident during deep space exploration. There is no other known way to reproduce the unique sound. To confirm the research teams suspicion, an X-ray was taken of the bell. This is what they found.
Legos were thought to be first created in 1932 by Danish Inventor Kirk Christiansen. The only possible explanation of this find is that Legos are far more ancient than anyone has ever dreamed. Researchers are pouring through all available information, trying to identify who’s bell this actually was, though they think they have found a very important clue. On the top of the bell is a small loop which they believe was the mark of a Jerusalem brothel founded around the same period as the bell, named Legothiam. “This is a very important clue as to the origin of the bell, and perhaps all Legos. This specially designed loop was probably threaded, and embroidered into the clothes owned by the prostitutes. The sound was was probably a call to men of the city to come to the brothel, similar to today.”
We have contacted lego and they gave us this statement: “We are quite certain that Kirk Christiansen created Legos, and we are calling for a full investigation into the matter”.
Many questions still remain in this mystery, but it is no doubt that this will probably rewrite history as we know it.
For more coverage on this story, please visit these reputable news sources:
Sleepy Saturdays: Comic-Con
Welcome loyal readers to another edition of Maxim is too hung over to write aka Sleep Saturdays. Today on Sleepy Saturdays we celebrate the beginning of a great American icon, Comic-Con in San Diego. And the best thing about Comic-Con? All the awesome cosplay action. Here are some kick ass cosplay pics for your pleasure. Don’t work Handgelina too much now!
I feel like spiderman needs something a little…more.
Spartan man definitely has enough of it. Go give spidey some pointers.
Am I stupid for not knowing what these guys are? Still awesome. I love being in cardboard!
This guy makes me wet.
My hero. Don’t mess.
So far all you comic lovers out there, make the world a better place by dressing up as you favorite characters and strutting your stuff. Doesn’t even have to be at a convention. I guarantee wherever you go you will be extremely popular. The best part about it is I will love you for it.
Bro Operation Updates
Yo, a big wassup to all my bros down on the shore and beyond. This is DJ Eddie Q in for DJ Pauly D and DJ Danny J. Just wanna give all you kick-ass brosephs and ladies an update on our ongoing war against the geeked out nerd gang ‘Anonymous’. In case you haven’t been paying attention to Bro channel news updates, Elite Bro Force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X have been at it again. Thanks to their sweaty, muscly, tanned arms and blown out ultra tentacle hair (a recent upgrade thanks to the new Santini Carbon Bibs 2XL AGT fluid hair gel), they skull fucked almost 20 more Anon-cock-nerd Anonymous assholes (How clever is this guy right here?). Congrats guys. Way to continue our dominance over those fucking Anonymous gibronis’.
In other news, our broseph regional leader at the shore, DJ Pauly D, who has been a golden beacon of light for us bros in the ultra bromance movement, has been making a lot of news recently, and I just want to address any concerns the average bro might have over some rumors they may have heard. Yes, DJ Pauly D has pierced is joint. He pierced is crown jewel. I just wanted to confirm this with the community and let you know it is not gay. It is the most juiced up dong I have ever seen. I even took some pictures down to the bro council at Ronnie’s Gym/Tanning Boutique and we all agreed, what a fucking bro. To any of those fag-bros who want to go against the bro-tacular DJ Pauly D, you’re going to have to go up against me, DJ Eddie Q, first, aight? One more thing, due to the immense bro-ness of Pauly’s pierced joint, he has decided to pose for the respectable women’s magazine ‘Playgirl’. We’ve all agreed at the council that this is pretty fucking bro-tastic. If anyone wants to congratulate our juiced up brother, hit up Jenks down at the shore and get our fucking sweet ass muscle bro rep Pauly D some juiced-up jager-bombs for him and his all bro crew.
That’s it for the updates straight from DJ Eddie Q down at the shore. Keep it real, bros, and don’t forget to rip all those anonymous nerd-queers a new asshole if you see ’em!
By the way if any bros wanna upgrade to the new Santini Carbon Bibs 2XL AGT fluid hair gel, just let Vinny down at Flower Street Hair and Beauty know. He’ll hook you up and blow you out.
A Dirty Trick at Summer Camp
A large portion of this blog so far has been realizations of wrong doing from my childhood. As a child you may not realize how your actions affect the world around you. Most things are easily forgotten, and many times you just think of serious major events in your life as funny or even hilarious. Yesterday, as I laid in bed I suddenly remembered one of these days. What transpired was ethically and morally wrong and probably illegal. I was a major player in the operation and I loved every second of it. However, at my young malicious young age, I hadn’t quote realized the possible ramifications of my actions and the actions of others. Oh, innocence.
It was around the summer of ’95, at a one week sleep away camp in near Providence, Rhode Island. As with most summer camps, it was equipped with a large natural lake for swimming in. I loved swimming, so naturally this was my favorite part of the day. Every 15 to 20 minutes or so, the lifeguards would blow a whistle; we would then have to find our buddy, hold and raise our hands in the air so they knew everyone was accounted for. Pretty standard. Here’s where the story gets interesting.
One day, me and my buddy were getting ready for a nice long session of swimming when one of the lifeguards approached us. He asked us if we could help him with special project, and it was very important. Of course, as a lifeguard is supposed to be a very trustworthy individual, we agreed. He then took us to the woods and told my friend to pull down his trunks. Woah, wait, sorry, sorry. That’s not how it went. Let me continue the real story. He wanted my friend to go out and play in the lake for a couple of minutes, while he wanted me to go hide out in a shed until the next buddy check. Then during the next buddy check, he wanted my friend to go up to a lifeguard and tell him I was missing. We thought this was awesome. We were gonna trick everyone in the camp that I was drowning or dead. I was excited, he was excited. This was going to be great, and boy was it ever.
I was brought to the shed. A man was inside. His “thing” was gorging. He told me to pull down my trunks and show him my tight… woah, what the fuck. Where are these outbursts coming from? I must apologize as it is ruining the integrity of my story. Anyway, I was only in there for about 5 minutes but it felt like hours. Finally, the whistle blew and they started the buddy check. As planned, my friend came out and told the lifeguards that he couldn’t find me anywhere. And boy, was he convincing. I could hear the pain and worry in his voice. I could see the fear in his eyes. He was on the brink of tears. He deserved an oscar for that performance. Thats when all hell broke loose.
They made all the campers get out of the lake. The counselors, panicked, got in in a big line, and began combing the waters, diving around, all frantickly searching for me. A couple were crying hysterically. I couldn’t contain my laughter. This went on for about 3 minutes, just to the point where they all thought I was dead. One of the lifeguards then came to get me out of the shed, and presented me to the nearly dead from panic counselors. The missing camper, safe all along. They were incredibly relived of course. I got a few head locks, noogies, and “Urrrghh, youuu” while in tears from them. My memory kind of fades off after that, but me and my friend were thoroughly proud of ourselves. For some reason my butt hurt as well.
Now zoom back to today. As an adult I can put this event into some perspective. How fucked up was that? I mean seriously, making people thing a kid is dead? Drowned in a lake? And this wasn’t something they could do every week, or even every summer. It wouldn’t be believable that way. This is something that had have been never done before at the camp. Those lifeguards came up with it to fuck with everybody’s minds. To “train” them. I wonder what kind of ass munching these guys got from the counselors after that big drill of theirs. I wonder if they were fired. I still love those guys for giving me that amazing “get to see everyones reactions after your death” experience. It was awesome. I just didn’t understand at that age that child molestation, I mean, that that kind irresponsible action was probably not acceptable. I hope I’m mature enough to understand it now.
The Three Rules
In case you don’t know, I am a teacher in Japan. I am deep inside the Japanese education apparatus… deep, deep inside. A sleeper agent if you will. Summer vacation has just begun, and we had our first semester closing ceremony yesterday (yes, they have a ceremony for that). It basically was a lot of bowing, standing, and sitting, but there was one thing that caught my ear. After the ceremony one of the teachers went in front of the entire school and gave a speech outlying three rules that they absolutely must follow during summer break. The thing you must understand about these rules is the seriousness the tone of the teacher’s voice was while he said them. A seriousness so well conveyed, every single person in the room knew that if they broke the rules, they would destroy the balance of the universe, or at least Japan. Here are the rules and parts of the speech he gave:
1. Don’t die (死ぬな）
Don’t die. Don’t be dead. Don’t be beheaded. Don’t drown. Don’t get hit by a car. School is a safe place, people don’t die in school. I protect you in these walls. People only die outside in the scary world, where I can’t save you all the time. So don’t go outside of school and get killed, or I will haunt your eternal soul forever.
2. Don’t steal（取るな）
You god damn kids better not steal. Do not take one piece of candy, one spec of dust from anywhere. Do not take anything that does not belong to you. Don’t steal from your friends houses. When you are invited to someones house you are their guest. Even if your friend says you can borrow something and you take it, you are stealing. That is not their property to give and you just took it, you are beyond scum. I will find you, and I will give you my divine justice.
3. Don’t be a lump（だらだらしない）
You are all required to wake up everyday at 6:30 in the morning and do radio calisthenics. Do not lump around the fan all day talking into it. Yeah it makes your voice sound funny, but do it for one more second and the blades may cut your tongue out. You always have something to do at all times, whether it be the one months worth of homework we gave you, or helping your parents, or even just running around your house, do not stay still. You must moving. If you stop, we will find you. We know.
The teacher walked off the stage. Those kids were going to follow his rules, he knew it. He wasn’t exaggerating one bit, and they knew it. It was going to be a long summer.
All I could think about throughout the whole speech was, “Crap, Mr. Fan, don’t take my tongue!”.
The White House Rainbow Room Finally Revealed
As you probably know, Republicans and Democrats are hard at work trying to negotiate to raise to our nations debt ceiling. If they fail, they risk another economic meltdown similar to the one that occurred in 2008. Failure is not an option. These politicians are hard at work, meeting everyday to try and bridge the cap between their fundamental differences and beliefs. They’re working to save the American people. Needless to say, it is a very stressful situation for everyone involved. That being said, President Obama understands this, and has come up with a way for politicians to release their stress after intense negotiations. It’s called the Rainbow Room, and it has gained incredible popularity among politicians.
What actually happens inside the Rainbow Room however, has been the subject of intense scrutiny. We do know though, that it has gained so much popularity that it is beginning to affect the negotiations adversely. All members can think about is what happens after the meeting, so they can go to the rainbow room and do… whatever it is they do in there. President Obama was so distracted in one meeting, he lashed out at Representative Eric Cantor in frustration, and ended the meeting early. He could be heard after running through the halls of the White House screaming “Rainbow Room!!!”.
So what is the Rainbow Room? What we do know is the Rainbow Room is nothing like the other rooms of the white house, like the Blue Room, the Green Room, and the Red Room. We also know it was a secret project approved by President Obama right after he was sworn in, and only elected officials and White House staff are allowed to enter. No one has ever seen anything that goes on in the infamous Rainbow Room, until now. Through one of our secret White House insiders, we were able to acquire photos of an average night in the Rainbow Room. We warn you, some of these images are extremely graphic.
The photos give us more questions than answers, obviously. We will continue to investigate this “Rainbow Room”. We will make one observation though, it seems to be a place of incredible gayness.