Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.
Until next time,
P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?
As you probably know, Republicans and Democrats are hard at work trying to negotiate to raise to our nations debt ceiling. If they fail, they risk another economic meltdown similar to the one that occurred in 2008. Failure is not an option. These politicians are hard at work, meeting everyday to try and bridge the cap between their fundamental differences and beliefs. They’re working to save the American people. Needless to say, it is a very stressful situation for everyone involved. That being said, President Obama understands this, and has come up with a way for politicians to release their stress after intense negotiations. It’s called the Rainbow Room, and it has gained incredible popularity among politicians.
What actually happens inside the Rainbow Room however, has been the subject of intense scrutiny. We do know though, that it has gained so much popularity that it is beginning to affect the negotiations adversely. All members can think about is what happens after the meeting, so they can go to the rainbow room and do… whatever it is they do in there. President Obama was so distracted in one meeting, he lashed out at Representative Eric Cantor in frustration, and ended the meeting early. He could be heard after running through the halls of the White House screaming “Rainbow Room!!!”.
So what is the Rainbow Room? What we do know is the Rainbow Room is nothing like the other rooms of the white house, like the Blue Room, the Green Room, and the Red Room. We also know it was a secret project approved by President Obama right after he was sworn in, and only elected officials and White House staff are allowed to enter. No one has ever seen anything that goes on in the infamous Rainbow Room, until now. Through one of our secret White House insiders, we were able to acquire photos of an average night in the Rainbow Room. We warn you, some of these images are extremely graphic.
The photos give us more questions than answers, obviously. We will continue to investigate this “Rainbow Room”. We will make one observation though, it seems to be a place of incredible gayness.