The Death of a Newborn Shirt

Clean ClothesThe world is full of disgusting and awful things. Turn on the TV for a few seconds and you’ll see what I mean. I live in a relatively safe part of the world. I don’t have to deal with war, and murder. I don’t have to go out on the streets and sell blowjobs to buy crack, because I am so addicted to crack. Don’t gotta decide between killing a baby for a roll of bread. I was lucky to be raised in a middle class family. I don’t have to witness terrible things. I don’t have to decide between to impossibly evil things to survive. I was safe, right? Wrong. I did something terrible the other day… I destroyed something, something beautiful. It was a gift to the world really, a beacon of light just brought into the world. It had its whole life ahead of it. My girlfriend gave it to me as a christmas present. It was a beautiful white undershirt. It’s dead now, thanks to me… and all I could do is laugh hysterically as my girlfriend kicked me.

Lack of sleep can do amazing things to the body. I hadn’t really figured this out until recently, when I had come back from my parents house in the states to Japan. My lovely girlfriend picked me up at the airport and elected to keep me awake until a decent sleeping hour so I could get over jet lag a little easier. Oh, how nice of her! When we got to my place we exchanged Christmas gifts since I had been away for a while. She got me exactly what I wanted, two very white, beautiful, fresh undershirts to replace the two I had been wearing every day for six months without washing. She wanted me to take off that shirt, I also noticed the smell and was willing to part with it…our dating world was in alignment. I tried it on immediately for my fruitful and hopefully very long relationship with this white wonder. Fit perfectly, smelled great, all was right.

It was getting later in the evening, and it was getting time for dinner. Just before this my girlfriend had woke my desperate for sleep body up from an ill-advised nap that left me in a battle between the dream world and reality. Basically, I was a mess. My girlfriend, being the sweet Japanese spy that she is, sees how deliriously tired I am and says she will go out and pick up some food for us. Hurray! Not only did she do that, she also buys us ice cream! Double hurray!

I scarf down the delicious convenience store food and soon have my eyes on the ice cream bar she had bought me. Boy, did it look good. A hard chocolate center, covered in chocolate ice cream, covered by a hard candy shell. What more could you ask for? Triple chocolate explosion. I don’t remember anything about the actual eating of the chocolate bar. All I know is that I killed it. In a haze, much like a rabid raccoon, I absorbed the chocolate bar, not taking any care to my surroundings. I was blacked out for approximately one minute and thirty-seven seconds.

I came to. My girlfriend was standing over me in shock. She was looking at something. Not at my face…she was looking lower. Around my chest. I look down. This is what I see.
The Chocolate Stain
Yes, in a tired haze, while unconsciously enjoying delicious ice cream, I also managed to destroyed the beautiful new white undershirt that my girlfriend got me for Christmas. I looked at her, and the shirt, then back and her, and couldn’t stop laughing. Not a normal laugh, but the laugh of an insane sleep-deprived carny.

What a waste of life. That shirt can now never fulfill it’s purpose on this earth because of me. I basically killed a fetus. Don’t hate me. My girlfriend certainly does. At least it smells good.

Here’s to a better future for the world, where these things no longer happen.


Happy Hallo-ween!

The long awaited adult Halloween has come and gone. I say “adult” Halloween because we all know we aren’t waiting to go around and collect candy. We’re waiting to dress up like a complete asshole, get butt rocked wasted and pick up some girl dressed up as a slutty little red riding hood. Today was the real thing! Not nearly as exciting.

Thought I should show you all what I was this year. It was pretty much the epitome of awesome. Wish I could rock it for all of time.
Halloween Costume 2011
Yeah, that’s me on the left. I’d say it was one of my best of all time. Why don’t we compare it to some of me other recent costumes from Halloweens past…
Didn’t do Halloween last year for some dumb reason but lets warp back to 2009!
Halloween Costume 2009
I was a sexy slightly homosexual football player! Rockin right? You can clearly see the eyeshadow around my sexy ass eyes.
Warp back to 2008!
Halloween Costume 2008
I was some sort of shitty Koala. Not too proud of this one. Especially since I paid just about a dollar for whatever that is I was wearing on my head.
And finally, to 2007!
Halloween Costume 2007
Great, right? Costume 100% bought at wall-mart, where it was super easy to get size 60 waste pants and suspenders.

So that’s my last couple of Halloweens. Still think that this year topped them all for sexiness.

Anyway, hope you all have a great Halloween!


Yeah, about the title. I celebrated Halloween with my students. In all the classes I would set up some Halloween decorations and write in big letters “Happy Halloween!” on the blackboard. Anyway, when the partying (if you could call it that) was over and we were cleaning up, one of the kids erased Happy and ween and goes “Hey, Max, look! Hallo!!! I thought it was hilarious.

My Kids Like to Torture Pets Too

TMNTLast time on Maxim’s Madness we discussed my displeasure with how my students treated bugs. Throwing them like toys, ripping off their legs and presenting them to me as presents; great habits to allow a child to develop. Well, it doesn’t stop there. Despite the knowledge that these kids are sadistic, their teachers allow them to keep scores of pets, and task them to take care of them. We all had some sort of class pet growing up, sure, but I think these kids have you beat. Why you ask? It’s all solved by a little count.

Currently we have:
Two rabbits
A rooster
Not one, Not two, not three, not four, but FIVE turtles
A praying mantis

Can you believe it? What kind of crazy fucked in the head teacher would allow a group of kids so many pets? It blows my mind. Now you’re probably thinking, well, they can’t be that bad…at least they’re alive, right? Wrong. I present to you my evidence.

Turtles be fucked

First the turtles. Our kids always have at least one turtle. There are turtles appearing and disappearing and reappearing all the time. On one faithful day a couple of months ago, the kids found a very large turtle next to a river that runs next to us. Of course, the kids wanted to keep it as a pet, and from some inspiration from hell, the teachers agreed. Now this was a big fucking turtle. I mean, on par with some of the biggest turtles I had ever seen. I mean I’ve seen bigger in like an aquarium or something, but this is the wild! Those aquarium turtles don’t actually exist. Anyway, so imagine your laptop that was a turtle… maybe a little bit taller…thicker… that’s the turtle. It was a BIG turtle! So the teachers agreed to keep the it…only problem? Where the fuck they gonna keep a big fucking huge turtle? The usual place we keep turtles is a slightly larger than average bucket (no joke). So the teachers decided to put the big ass turtle in the bucket the size of the turtle. The kids loved it. Seeing the the turtle struggle to get out. Never being able to. Awesome. Kids laughter. Precious. Big turtle. Fun. Oh yeah, innocence. That turtle died in two weeks. They liked it enough to dig it a grave at least… what the fuck.

It’s not like they treat their normal sized turtles any better. Yeah, instead of one big turtle taking up all the room in the bucket, they put five in there. No rocks to lay on, nothing. The kids job is to change the water everyday and feed them, but in the process they have to remove the turtles from their bucket. So in the meantime they run around with the turtles like they are superturtles. Also when they finally put them back in their bucket they set aside a couple of minutes to shake up their water bucket to help the with turtle earthquake training (I guess?). Again, these aren’t the same kids day in and day out. Different kids have to clean the bucket each week. This is a be mean to animals epidemic. I need to kick the kids heads in one of these days.

Praying mantis death tribunal

Here’s a shorter, yet more direct story about our praying mantis. I have less experience with the torture these kids gave this poor guy, though I do know two important facts. First, the fairly large praying mantis is being kept in an old pencil case. Most people wold stop here and be like, “okay, that’s sad”, but it doesn’t stop. It actually gets worse. Second, the teacher had a meeting with the class to tell them that the school had run out of food for the mantis, and at this rate it probably die from starvation if nothing was done. Being the classes pet, she asked for some of the kids opinions, so they could have a vote on what to do. Here were the three main sides:

1. “I don’t care, I want it”
2. “Put another one in so it can die with a friend”
And the minority opinion 3. “We should let it go”

In the end, the class was unable to come to a consensus and the bug stayed where it was.
Awesome Praying Mantis
Okay….JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST! Am I some sort of liberal animal loving freak? Am I weird? Tell me! Is the whole world mad?!?!

I’m glad I vented all of that out. Sorry it took two whole posts to do it!

My Kids Like to Torture Bugs

Magnifying Glass MurderI don’t usually write rapid reactions to things that happened to me today, or even yesterday on Maxim’s Madness. I let them fester. I write careful satire and funny observations, constantly rereading and editing to see what lies or fibs I can add to my stories to make them better. Not lies, but…you know what I mean. Well anyway, today I am going to make an exception. I cannot let what happened to me today go untold, and I need to say this while it’s fresh. There is a tragedy of epic proportions going on in Japan and no ones seems to want to talk about it. I alluded to it a couple of months ago, but didn’t go too in depth. Here comes the rant.

Little fucking kindergartners in Japan are fuckin’ sadist freaks. There, I said it. Their teachers don’t do anything to stop then either. The daily torturing of animals I witness is just heartbreaking. Of course back in the day you always had that one kid in your class who liked to collect bugs, or burn ants with a magnifying glass, whatever, It was one kid. Well, imagine that kid times how ever many kintergarten kids there are in Japan. No bullshit.

The following events all took place within five minutes of each other.

As soon as I get to work today I have a young girl kindly inform me that they had found… something. Actually she said a Japanese word, “mimizu”, but I had no idea what that was. She kindly pointed me to where the action was and I went to investigate. I soon found out what “mimuzu” was, earthworms. They had found a bunch of earthworms after digging in some flowerbeds. Well, they were flowerbeds… yeah. As soon as I saw the worms the kids detected my distaste for them immediately. I did not want to be near those worms. I hate worms. One girl came in close to show me what she had found and I sort of backed off and told her “I see it fine from here. Very good!”. That wasn’t enough, she wanted me to hold it… or something. She came closer, I backed away. Big mistake. It suddenly became a game of “Let’s try and get Maxim to touch the worm”. Seconds later I was running across the field with 10 screaming kindergarteners running after me with worms. They won in the end. At least they were content with only pressing it against my clothes a bunch of times, never my skin. They then proceeded to take the worms and feed them to the birds. Poor worms… Next incident.

A minute later I get sucked into a giant game of tag. That’s usual enough. While in persuit of one particularly slimey child, I felt something hit me in the back. It didn’t hurt or anything, but obviously as a teacher I don’t take kidnly to having stuff being thrown at me. I turned around and found the laughing culprit right behind me. He quickly scoured to pick up what he threw at me, and threw it at me again. He missed, but this time I got a good look at what he was throwing at me. It was a fairly large grasshopper, fighting desperatly to get out of the demon child’s clutches. Horrified, I yelled at the kid that you shouldn’t throw a living thing like a toy, and to think about how the grasshopper feels. He responded to that by picking it up again and throwing it at his friend, who then picked it up and threw it back. I pleaded with the boys to let the poor soul go, but they said nothing and ran off with it. No idea what happened to the thing… probably dead. Next incident.

Literally the second after they ran off, the same girl who had been chasing me with worms came back to present me with a smaller grasshopper she had found. Having just been through a much worse ordeal, and with the grasshopper seemed to be in decent enough shape (living), I congratulated her, but also told her her I would be happy if she let it go. She did, to my surprise. However, soon after she put it down she ran back to me laughing, “Max, look!!!! It’s the grasshoppers leg! I let it go but I ripped it off too! HAHAHAHA”. I could see the grasshopper where she put it down… struggling to jump out of the busy field. The only thing I could think of was whether it was appropriate to put it out of its misery.

I am not exaggerating when I say this happened it the span of five minutes. It really did. It was horrible. They aren’t doing anything technically wrong, they are actually encouraged to go out and find bugs. Why are they so sadistic? This is not even the end of it, either. The kids also allowed to keep pets… we have eight. I’ll save their stories for another day.

In the meantime I will be thinking of ways to punish my kids for torturing little critters… I may need some help since the only thing I can think of is torturing them in return. Sigh…

Until next time,

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