I Was, like, in a Cave

So, like, I was, like, in a cave? Like, doing, like, not this? Should I, like, write some more, like, blog stuff? Like, should I? It’s like, a big long story, like, but, like, this book explains it, like, pretty well. So, like, go read my story on, like, death caves and, like, do you guys want more Maxim?

So, like, I was in this scary cave...

I Have Come Up With the Best Personality Quiz EvAr

Okay, you guys all have experienced something like this. You open up Facebook, or your email, or whatever you use to communicate with people, and see that all of your friends have sent you something like this…
First Four Word Personality Test

What the fuck? Happy face? Oh no, wait… It’s a trap! Personality quiz?? Crap, you read the instructions! Now you to take it because it says If you don’t send it to 50 other people you’re going to get your junk chopped off! So you spend 10 minutes looking for a god damn word and then when you finally find one, it’s something like, “peaceful”. Then you think “Peaceful!? What the hell? I’m not peaceful! I was just about to throw my computer right in the face of my girlffriend in frustration cause I couldn’t find frickin’ a word for ten minutes!”. Then you think, “This quiz is complete bullshit, we need something better!” And that’s where I come in, your faithful genius here at Maxim’s Madness.

I was tired of seeing all my friends either getting their junk chopped off, or getting answers that were complete bologna all the time. So I decided I was going to devote all my time from now on into developing the best darned personality quiz of all time. And after years of painstaking research, I finally did it.

Behold the awesomeness.



Note: You’ll probably need a pen and paper, unless you are some kind of genius.

1. Write down the first four things your eyes are drawn to in this picture.
A little girls room
2.For the first and third thing on your list, note the first letter. For the second and fourth thing, note the third letter.

3. Find the most awesome book in your house.

4. Add up the number of letters in the words of the four things you found. Whatever the sum is, go to that page in your awesome book.

5. Keeping in mind the letters taken from step two, start reading the page. When you find an word that starts with one of your letters, write it down. Anything goes, even pronouns and particles! You should have four by the end.

6. Try to make a sentence with your words, if you can’t, your journey has ended. You are bound for a miserable life full of upset and betrayal. Now get out off my site. If you were able to make a sentence, good for you! Move on to the next step.

7. Think about your sentence for a bit. Work it out in your head. Like most clues from the great beyond, the meaning won’t hit you all at once. Think about it for a few days. Let it seep deep into your mind. It give you the most profound insight on your soul you’ve ever had.


Here's what I got…

My four things: deer, jacket, divider, bed.
The letters: D, D, D, and C.
My book: A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin (It was the closest one to me at the time, but its still awesome!)
The page: 20
The words: dragon, do, coin, did.
The sentence: Did Coin do Dragon?

How erotic… I wonder who Coin and Dragon are. I feel like this is a sentence midway between some heavy gossip by two teenaged girls. But I don't even know who these two people are… I guess I'm…eavesdropping! Yes…I'm eavesdropping on two people! And who eavesdrops? Oh, shit! I'm a frickin spy! The quiz is telling me I should be a spy! Just like I’ve always wanted wanted. I’m so happy.

What did I say? 100% accurate, and scientifically provable.

Try it out! Tell me what you guys got!

Re-Virginize Your Hands

The Fountain of YouthI’m going to try and make this next blog post sound the least like an advertisement as I can, but it’s going to be incredibly hard. I have found something incredible. It makes me feel young, as young as a baby fresh out of the womb. It makes me want to touch myself. Not just touch, stroke, caress. It gives me pleasure. It make me happy. No, it’s not masturbation. Though equally amazing, I found out about that years ago. No, I am talking about Sabon hand scrub.

On my last trip to America, I had was drinking some beers and smoking from a pipe, when a mystical Greek woman told me about a soap company from Israel. People would come from all over the world would come to New York and seek out this place. She explained that in every store, they had a magical fountain activated by stepping on a weight activated plate, kind of like that temple in Indiana Jones. You would then try out different scrubs creams from far off and wondrous lands, giving you the power of amazing skin for all time. Well, needless to say, I was intrigued. I went out as soon as possible in search of this mystic store. I found it, just where the Greek said it would be. I went in. There was a magical fountain, again just like she said. The woman in the store asked me if I would like to try it out. “Oh, yes”, I replied. When I put my hands into the fountain, my life changed forever.

Sabon Hand Scrub
Well, do you want your skin to feel like a babies butt? How about your entire body? I can’t think of anyone who would say no to that question. Well, that’s what this cream/salt weird concoction does to your skin. You scoop up a big pink blob with a nice wooden spoon, rub your hands with it for a minute, and just like that your hands feel like they’ve been re-inserted into a woman’s uterus, cooked for 9 months and birthed out again anew. It is incredible.
Baby hands
I urge you guys to re-virginize your dirty hands and go out to buy/steal this stuff immediately. It really does make masturbating so much nicer.


Stalker Girlfriend: The Break-up

(This is actually kind of based on a true story believe it or not)
Pam (Maxim)
Stalker Girlfriend

A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I am completely devastated. We met in college and I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. Now that he’s gone I don’t know what to do with myself. Having lived with him for three of the five years we were together, living alone sounds like an unnatural and lonely concept, and one that I am dreading. My friends have told me to move on, but how can I after so many things remind me of him?

For example:

I went to Best Buy the other day to get some conciliatory DVDs to cry over. It just so happened that the DVD section was right next to where the X-Box’s were. When I saw them, it took all I had to stop from crying. My boyfriend loved X-Box. Although he would play for hours straight when he got home, he always thought of me first. He would even stop playing to watch CSI: Miami with me once a week. It was so comforting to hear the sounds of gunshots echoing throughout our apartment. Now I can’t sleep at night without the sweet sound of screams and laser beams. I’ve been forced to buy a copy of Starship Troopers and put it on repeat in my room just to cope.
Breaking up
Another thing he loved was tobacco. Yeah he liked to smoke cigarettes, but that was smelly. I got him to switch to special tobacco; I got him to switch to dipping tobacco. You know, the stuff you put under your lower lip. It was so considerate of him! I hate smokers, so he switched to dip just for me. Now instead of smoke to deal with, all I had to do was clean our rug from all the stains he caused when he spit out his dip on it. God… now that I don’t have to clean tobacco up all the time, what am I going to do with myself?

Lastly it’s the sex. I’m a small girl, but my boyfriend had plenty enough to compensate for that. I loved being crushed by his massive stature, the delicate dance between pain and pleasure. I felt like my bone structure actually molded just to accommodate him. Oh it was wonderful. How can I be with another? Nothing would fit right…

What should I do? I moved all the way from Arizona to live with him and be close to his family. I saw his mother the other day at the supermarket. All I could do was hide! I can’t just drop everything and leave this place and… I want to be near him. Even if I’m just looking at him and his family from afar. At least I know where they go shopping.

Am I crazy? Help me!



Superstar Training

Jesus Christ SuperstarAs most of you know, one of the major goals of this blog is to lift me into superstardom of proportions never before seen by man. I’ve known for a while now that this lofty goal is probably unnattainable, but I will never give up. Not just anyone can become a superstar though, honing the neccisary skills needed to be a great superstar requires intense daily training sessions. Most of these desired skills have been hidden from the the world for thousands of years, but using years of painstaking research done by me on past and current superstars, I have uncovered these viciously guarded secrets of the awesome. I’ve personally been testing them for years now, and I am definitely the coolest person I know. Proof enough, right? I would like to share my findings with you all today. Everything you need in four easy to follow steps.

1. Lots of Karaoke

Any superstar who wants to amount to anything has to have the voice of a thousand virgins in perfect harmony. To achieve this, you must practice everyday in front of your computer singing your favorite songs from youtube over and over again. Don’t waste that shower time either! Showers are great places to look at yourself naked in the mirror while singing. Get a feel for your body, it is your most important asset. Commutes to work are useful as well. Don’t be afraid to excersize those pipes in front of random strangers. They may even hand you a few bucks! Don’t forget to thank them in kind. Lastly, and most importantly, put your awesomeness to the test! Go down to the local karaoke bar and test those skills in a real performance setting! Get acquainted with a mic. Feel it in your hands. Get used the long cylindrical shape, you’ll be working with it a lot.

Recommended Songs:

Moving Out – Billy Joel

Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base

We Built This City – Starship

2. Hitting on Girls

No superstar is complete without his seven concubine groupies surrounding him (or her) at all times. Work on your “look”. Look at them like you don’t give a shit, and if they give you a dirty look back, bitch smack them for their insolence. Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t happen to much. The usual reaction is them telling their friend how cool you are. Then you know you have em’. Take out the chemicals, offer them some special “water”, and pounce. Nothing to it really. They’re your slave for life. Being the genuine sexy badass I am, my success rate is around 84.324215778 percent with this method. You probably won’t have as much sucess at me at first, but the more you do it the better (and sneakier) you get. Most superstars have even higher than me! Just look at R.Kelly.

3. Don’t be Fat

This is probably the hardest for most of you guys. It certainly is for me. A key part of being a superstar is not being a greasy load of lard. I do admit on the odd day I wake up with an empty bucket of fried chicken skins, an extra 32 pounds, and a belly which covers the view to my junk, but you must resist temptation as much as possible. I highly recommend this dance regiment. Not only will you lose weight, but it’s a must for any superstar. Sing and dance at the same time for double points.

4. Natural Talent/Selling Your Soul

Despite all the work you put in to being a completely awesome superstar, all man was not created equal when it comes to natrual coolness factor. Some people are just not an awesome supercool badass no matter what they do. If you are a pureblood coolio, props to you, bra! If not, I highly recommend selling your soul to the closest evil deity for some extra needed coolness right away. It may just give you that little edge you need to get ahead in life. If you already have the natural ability, you may want to sell that soul anyway, you won’t be needing it where you’re going.

So there you have it, four guaranteed ways to get you super star ready for your big day! Try them out and tell me how well they worked!

Until next time, superstars.