As most of you know, one of the major goals of this blog is to lift me into superstardom of proportions never before seen by man. I’ve known for a while now that this lofty goal is probably unnattainable, but I will never give up. Not just anyone can become a superstar though, honing the neccisary skills needed to be a great superstar requires intense daily training sessions. Most of these desired skills have been hidden from the the world for thousands of years, but using years of painstaking research done by me on past and current superstars, I have uncovered these viciously guarded secrets of the awesome. I’ve personally been testing them for years now, and I am definitely the coolest person I know. Proof enough, right? I would like to share my findings with you all today. Everything you need in four easy to follow steps.
1. Lots of Karaoke
Any superstar who wants to amount to anything has to have the voice of a thousand virgins in perfect harmony. To achieve this, you must practice everyday in front of your computer singing your favorite songs from youtube over and over again. Don’t waste that shower time either! Showers are great places to look at yourself naked in the mirror while singing. Get a feel for your body, it is your most important asset. Commutes to work are useful as well. Don’t be afraid to excersize those pipes in front of random strangers. They may even hand you a few bucks! Don’t forget to thank them in kind. Lastly, and most importantly, put your awesomeness to the test! Go down to the local karaoke bar and test those skills in a real performance setting! Get acquainted with a mic. Feel it in your hands. Get used the long cylindrical shape, you’ll be working with it a lot.
Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base
2. Hitting on Girls
No superstar is complete without his seven concubine groupies surrounding him (or her) at all times. Work on your “look”. Look at them like you don’t give a shit, and if they give you a dirty look back, bitch smack them for their insolence. Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t happen to much. The usual reaction is them telling their friend how cool you are. Then you know you have em’. Take out the chemicals, offer them some special “water”, and pounce. Nothing to it really. They’re your slave for life. Being the genuine sexy badass I am, my success rate is around 84.324215778 percent with this method. You probably won’t have as much sucess at me at first, but the more you do it the better (and sneakier) you get. Most superstars have even higher than me! Just look at R.Kelly.
3. Don’t be Fat
This is probably the hardest for most of you guys. It certainly is for me. A key part of being a superstar is not being a greasy load of lard. I do admit on the odd day I wake up with an empty bucket of fried chicken skins, an extra 32 pounds, and a belly which covers the view to my junk, but you must resist temptation as much as possible. I highly recommend this dance regiment. Not only will you lose weight, but it’s a must for any superstar. Sing and dance at the same time for double points.
4. Natural Talent/Selling Your Soul
Despite all the work you put in to being a completely awesome superstar, all man was not created equal when it comes to natrual coolness factor. Some people are just not an awesome supercool badass no matter what they do. If you are a pureblood coolio, props to you, bra! If not, I highly recommend selling your soul to the closest evil deity for some extra needed coolness right away. It may just give you that little edge you need to get ahead in life. If you already have the natural ability, you may want to sell that soul anyway, you won’t be needing it where you’re going.
So there you have it, four guaranteed ways to get you super star ready for your big day! Try them out and tell me how well they worked!
Until next time, superstars.
Dude, awesome post! Hilarious. You already are a fucking rockstar in my book. That’s not saying much but whatever.
No matter how small the book, I want to be a rockstar in it. It says a lot. Thanks, dude!
Wow, once again you have saved mankind from the foibles of mediocrity. I prefer that video and song when its danced by cris farley though. All that blubber jiggling.
Thank you. I do indeed like saving my fellow man.
Cris Farley is a comedian… are you saying my techniques are just a big JOKE!?
Once you’ve completed all your steps and as the natural result of that, become monstrously famous, I’mma run round the town screaming in people’s faces that I knew you in the before-times. This way, I shall also earn some small amount of fame in the ‘Crazy Lady Who Likes to Rant’ category. Everyone’s a winner!
Wow, I loved how you brought my steps to a whole new level like that. Do it, do it! Or you can try the steps yourslef and be a real superstar!
Can’t believe you’re giving away all your secrets!
It’s all part of my master plan… You’ll know what I’m talking about in a few years.
I can only get up to the 988 Virgin Score on the karaoke machines around here…. meanwhile my dick friend Andy gets 998. Do you think the karaoke machines could be broken?
WTF? Virgin score? What does that even mean??