Superstar Training

Jesus Christ SuperstarAs most of you know, one of the major goals of this blog is to lift me into superstardom of proportions never before seen by man. I’ve known for a while now that this lofty goal is probably unnattainable, but I will never give up. Not just anyone can become a superstar though, honing the neccisary skills needed to be a great superstar requires intense daily training sessions. Most of these desired skills have been hidden from the the world for thousands of years, but using years of painstaking research done by me on past and current superstars, I have uncovered these viciously guarded secrets of the awesome. I’ve personally been testing them for years now, and I am definitely the coolest person I know. Proof enough, right? I would like to share my findings with you all today. Everything you need in four easy to follow steps.

1. Lots of Karaoke

Any superstar who wants to amount to anything has to have the voice of a thousand virgins in perfect harmony. To achieve this, you must practice everyday in front of your computer singing your favorite songs from youtube over and over again. Don’t waste that shower time either! Showers are great places to look at yourself naked in the mirror while singing. Get a feel for your body, it is your most important asset. Commutes to work are useful as well. Don’t be afraid to excersize those pipes in front of random strangers. They may even hand you a few bucks! Don’t forget to thank them in kind. Lastly, and most importantly, put your awesomeness to the test! Go down to the local karaoke bar and test those skills in a real performance setting! Get acquainted with a mic. Feel it in your hands. Get used the long cylindrical shape, you’ll be working with it a lot.

Recommended Songs:

Moving Out – Billy Joel

Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base

We Built This City – Starship

2. Hitting on Girls

No superstar is complete without his seven concubine groupies surrounding him (or her) at all times. Work on your “look”. Look at them like you don’t give a shit, and if they give you a dirty look back, bitch smack them for their insolence. Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t happen to much. The usual reaction is them telling their friend how cool you are. Then you know you have em’. Take out the chemicals, offer them some special “water”, and pounce. Nothing to it really. They’re your slave for life. Being the genuine sexy badass I am, my success rate is around 84.324215778 percent with this method. You probably won’t have as much sucess at me at first, but the more you do it the better (and sneakier) you get. Most superstars have even higher than me! Just look at R.Kelly.

3. Don’t be Fat

This is probably the hardest for most of you guys. It certainly is for me. A key part of being a superstar is not being a greasy load of lard. I do admit on the odd day I wake up with an empty bucket of fried chicken skins, an extra 32 pounds, and a belly which covers the view to my junk, but you must resist temptation as much as possible. I highly recommend this dance regiment. Not only will you lose weight, but it’s a must for any superstar. Sing and dance at the same time for double points.

4. Natural Talent/Selling Your Soul

Despite all the work you put in to being a completely awesome superstar, all man was not created equal when it comes to natrual coolness factor. Some people are just not an awesome supercool badass no matter what they do. If you are a pureblood coolio, props to you, bra! If not, I highly recommend selling your soul to the closest evil deity for some extra needed coolness right away. It may just give you that little edge you need to get ahead in life. If you already have the natural ability, you may want to sell that soul anyway, you won’t be needing it where you’re going.

So there you have it, four guaranteed ways to get you super star ready for your big day! Try them out and tell me how well they worked!

Until next time, superstars.


Reading Rainbow Flash Mob: My Ideas

Reading RainbowRumor has it that LeVar Burton and some unnamed organization are planning to do a Reading Rainbow themed flash mob . This is possibly the best idea ever imagined. What isn’t available, and I think everyone in their right mind wants to know, are the details of what, when, and where this thing is going down! I’m thinking that they don’t quite know exactly what they want to do yet. Of course they want it to be frickin’ awesome, but maybe the talent and ideas around LeVar are lacking. Well, if they want a great idea look no further than your trusty blogger, Maxim. I have come up with a genius Reading Rainbow flash mob idea that is surely the best ever conceived. It is kind of complicated though, so I split it up into several parts for easy understanding. In addition this plan may need police and fire department cooperation in order for everyone not to get arrested. I guess you could say it’s a bit dangerous.

Part 1: The Book Burning
Book burning
The first part of my incredible flash mob is to stage a very large Nuremberg style book burning, led by a bunch of actors who happen to resemble neo-nazis. Everyone participating in this book burning will be part of the show. The mob shouldn’t be burning just any sort of books, they should all be burning children’s books. The neo-nazi actors will spur hate speech and angry anti-children book rhetoric, specifically targeting the lies that those kinds of books teach children. For example, something like how the book “Sunny With A Chance of Meatballs” lies to children about weather patterns, and consequently destroys our competitiveness in the sciences worldwide. Obviously, the bigger mob the mob, the bigger the fire and attention it will receive, so we want it to be big. I would recommend everyone bring at least 3-4 books to burn.

Part 2: The Pleading Onlooker
Think of the children
A woman will run on stage, grab the mic from the neo-nazi lookalikes and plead with the audience to stop what they are doing, and of course to think of the children. The grumpy neo-nazis will stage a struggle with the woman for the mic. They grab her, but before they can to take the mic out of her hands she screams one more thing: “HELP, HELP! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” That’s his cue.

Part 3: The Entrance

Suddenly, from large hidden speakers cleverly placed around the area, a sexy heavenly voice from above, LeVar, will say: “Did somebody say…children?” This begins the reading rainbow song. Well, not the actual song, you know, the part with the fluttering butterfly, and the nameless instrument sound thingy? The crowd will quiet and stop throwing their books. Enter the dashing LeVar Burton onto the scene. He will be riding on top of a parade float that looks like a giant rainbow with hundred of suspended books floating like butterflies. LeVar jumps off the float, backflips onto the stage, does another flip, high kicks the neo-nazi actors (who also happen to be stuntmen) and throws them into the fire, burning them alive. LeVar stands there for a while, looking like a complete badass in front of silenced crowd. He picks up the microphone from off the floor. “Don’t. Burn. Books” he says. A members from the mob scream, “Why”? He replies, “I’ll tell you why”.
Part 4: The Song and Dance

LeVar erupts into song, “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high…”. A lone man from the book burning mob sings “Take a look”, another woman sings “It’s in a book” and then crowd erupts into chorus “Reading Rainbow!”. After that LeVar keeps singing and the dancing begins. I was thinking that everyone be would be part of a pre-arranged color coded rainbow team wearing pre-arranged clothing of that color. That way they could make all sorts of cool rainbow formations. I’ll leave all that to an awesome choreographer, not my specialty.

So there you have it! Truly amazing isn’t it? And nothing like this has even been done before, I can assure you. So LeVar, if you were to ever do this, it would immortalize you as the god of flash mobbing and high kicking forever, guaranteed. Just letting you know.

Hope it happens!


P.S. Fun fact- I was actually on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was a kid, and got a chance to meet LeVar. Well, not really meet… but I did get his autograph! It was an episode on carousels, and they used the carousel around my house for the opening and ending sequence. At the end, he does his signature “See ya next time” all of us ran into the carousel and for the ending credits we’re all riding it. I got to sit one horse away from Levar. I got two or three closeups, too! Best moment of my life?