Superstar Training

Jesus Christ SuperstarAs most of you know, one of the major goals of this blog is to lift me into superstardom of proportions never before seen by man. I’ve known for a while now that this lofty goal is probably unnattainable, but I will never give up. Not just anyone can become a superstar though, honing the neccisary skills needed to be a great superstar requires intense daily training sessions. Most of these desired skills have been hidden from the the world for thousands of years, but using years of painstaking research done by me on past and current superstars, I have uncovered these viciously guarded secrets of the awesome. I’ve personally been testing them for years now, and I am definitely the coolest person I know. Proof enough, right? I would like to share my findings with you all today. Everything you need in four easy to follow steps.

1. Lots of Karaoke

Any superstar who wants to amount to anything has to have the voice of a thousand virgins in perfect harmony. To achieve this, you must practice everyday in front of your computer singing your favorite songs from youtube over and over again. Don’t waste that shower time either! Showers are great places to look at yourself naked in the mirror while singing. Get a feel for your body, it is your most important asset. Commutes to work are useful as well. Don’t be afraid to excersize those pipes in front of random strangers. They may even hand you a few bucks! Don’t forget to thank them in kind. Lastly, and most importantly, put your awesomeness to the test! Go down to the local karaoke bar and test those skills in a real performance setting! Get acquainted with a mic. Feel it in your hands. Get used the long cylindrical shape, you’ll be working with it a lot.

Recommended Songs:

Moving Out – Billy Joel

Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base

We Built This City – Starship

2. Hitting on Girls

No superstar is complete without his seven concubine groupies surrounding him (or her) at all times. Work on your “look”. Look at them like you don’t give a shit, and if they give you a dirty look back, bitch smack them for their insolence. Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t happen to much. The usual reaction is them telling their friend how cool you are. Then you know you have em’. Take out the chemicals, offer them some special “water”, and pounce. Nothing to it really. They’re your slave for life. Being the genuine sexy badass I am, my success rate is around 84.324215778 percent with this method. You probably won’t have as much sucess at me at first, but the more you do it the better (and sneakier) you get. Most superstars have even higher than me! Just look at R.Kelly.

3. Don’t be Fat

This is probably the hardest for most of you guys. It certainly is for me. A key part of being a superstar is not being a greasy load of lard. I do admit on the odd day I wake up with an empty bucket of fried chicken skins, an extra 32 pounds, and a belly which covers the view to my junk, but you must resist temptation as much as possible. I highly recommend this dance regiment. Not only will you lose weight, but it’s a must for any superstar. Sing and dance at the same time for double points.

4. Natural Talent/Selling Your Soul

Despite all the work you put in to being a completely awesome superstar, all man was not created equal when it comes to natrual coolness factor. Some people are just not an awesome supercool badass no matter what they do. If you are a pureblood coolio, props to you, bra! If not, I highly recommend selling your soul to the closest evil deity for some extra needed coolness right away. It may just give you that little edge you need to get ahead in life. If you already have the natural ability, you may want to sell that soul anyway, you won’t be needing it where you’re going.

So there you have it, four guaranteed ways to get you super star ready for your big day! Try them out and tell me how well they worked!

Until next time, superstars.


Sleepy Saturdays: Comic-Con

Comic-Con LogoWelcome loyal readers to another edition of Maxim is too hung over to write aka Sleep Saturdays. Today on Sleepy Saturdays we celebrate the beginning of a great American icon, Comic-Con in San Diego. And the best thing about Comic-Con? All the awesome cosplay action. Here are some kick ass cosplay pics for your pleasure. Don’t work Handgelina too much now!

Black SpidermanI feel like spiderman needs something a little…more.
SpartanSpartan man definitely has enough of it. Go give spidey some pointers.
Block warriors.Am I stupid for not knowing what these guys are? Still awesome. I love being in cardboard!
Some Star Wars DudeThis guy makes me wet.
Storm TrooperMy hero. Don’t mess.

So far all you comic lovers out there, make the world a better place by dressing up as you favorite characters and strutting your stuff. Doesn’t even have to be at a convention. I guarantee wherever you go you will be extremely popular. The best part about it is I will love you for it.

Happy Saturday!


The “F” Word and Mad Libs

Anyone who knows me knows I say this word a lot. Maybe a little bit too much. I’ve even had the occasional “stop cussing so much you dumb shit” thrown at me. So what? It’s not my fault. It’s society! I was an innocent boy. I didn’t know anything of this horrid word! I still remember the day I was made to scream the word at the top of my lungs in front of my house, not knowing the poison that had entered me. After that it was all over. The word took over my life.

Now add this glorious word to Mad Libs. If anyone doesn’t remember Mad Libs, it was a game where you would fill in a bunch of random nouns, verbs, adjectives and so on. When you were done, you would then read a short passage, putting in your chosen words in blank spaces for a hilarious outcome. While I was younger we had a bunch of these books lying around, so, armed with my new word, and not knowing what any of the parts of speech meant, would put fuck, and other funny words, into madlibs.

Here is me trying to emulate my mad libs when ten. Libbed words in bold.

Good Stuff

Are you bothered by fuck fuck? Do you feel penishead every day? Does your poop hurt? Then fuckadilly is for you! This turd, fucker treat is chock-full of cock.

Here is what Douche Slaboosh of Dumbass, Montana had to say about fuckadilly. “I start every day with fuckadilly. It’s simply bastard! Even my fucking loves it.”

Don’t delay! Buy fuckadilly today!

Now that was pretty awesome. Though I do have to admit, I have gotten slightly better and mad libs now that I know what a verb is. Here is adult Maxim doing mad libs.

New Year’s Resolutions

It was New Year’s Day, and I was watching penisball on TV with my friends Shirly Fucku, Amanda Huggenkiss, Bob Fart, and Chad Douche.

“Hey, Amanda Huggenkiss,” Bob Fart said, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

“I am going to learn to play the ass flute,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents douchy.”

“That’s slutty,” said Shirly Fucku. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless spectral bats and pistol shrimps. They are so cute. How about you, Bob Fart?”

“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the dildos and the semen in the dishwasher without being asked.”

“I want to improve my grades,” said Chad Douche. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”

They all turned to me.

“What is your New Year’s Resolution, Maxim?”

“I’m not making one,” I said. “I’m perfectly black already!”

What do you think? Have I improved? Try doing some yourself. I can assure you, it’s just as funny doing it now as it was back then.


Sleepy Saturdays: Monsters Under Your Bed

I never personally believed in this, but I’ve been giving it some seriously thought recently. If you actually believed that there were monsters under your bed, how frickin’ scary would that have been? Just some huge malevolent force chillin’ under your bed. These monsters don’t just appear out of nowhere. First you need something to give you idea; Steven Spielberg’s “Poltergeist” would work (the origin of all clown fears, damn clown monster). I must of seen this movie hundreds of times when I was a kid.

The next step is imagination, and a kids imagination can royally fuck them. Look at these real monsters that kids have come up with:

And there you have it. The basis for all mentally disturbed children. You think child abuse, and divorces fuck up children? Imagine a kid thinking there’s a huge thing trying to eat them under their bed all the time. No comparison.


I Love You, Norman Reedus

I know many of you are going, “Who the hell is Norman Reedus?”. Well, let me explain. It begins with Lady Gaga. I absolutely love her new video for the song “Judas”. I don’t want to deny this fact anymore. Well, I haven’t really been denying, it’s just that I don’t come across as an awesome bro badass who also happens to watch Lady Gaga videos. Now you know, you can be both. Okay, so, Judas, woah, I just love that shit, okay? If you’re not familiar with the video I suggest you go watch it now. Yeah, the song is catchy, yeah, Lady Gaga looks like a bad ass biker chick, but there was something else, something hidden that has kept drawing me back to this video time and time again. I didn’t know what it was… until now.

It’s this guy:

Now most of you know this sexy guy from the cult flick “The Boondock Saints”. Yeah, I saw it once, whatever. It was okay. It’s totally unrelated. I didn’t even realize that he played that Irish douche. What did come into my head when I saw him in the video, was the words”complete and utter badass”. I finally realized that I kept watching this music video just to see this guy. He’s only in the thing for like 33 seconds, but shit man, him in his tight leather jacket, with that rugged “Come get some!” attitude. His “I’m a fucking pimp” face. Holy shit. Holy shit… I don’t even know what to say, it’s just that I had to put this down somewhere. I love this guy. His name is Norman Reedus. And he is a complete and utter badass. Wow. Wow. Wow.


P.S. You can still be a bro and confess you’re love for an awesome dude. Stop being a douche.

How People Found Me: Top 10

In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).


We did it Bros! VIC-TO-RY!

Have all you bros out there heard the news? Thanks to the quick mobilization of the elite Bro force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X, Lulzsec, the group full of nerds hacking our most precious websites, has ran away to their mommies. We knew it would be an easy fight, since these nerds are nothing compared to bro power, but we had no idea it would be this easy. Only six days after our initial call to arms, we destroyed their whole chicken-shit organization. We found one of their leaders through the ancient bro power of nerdsense down on Chester by kinkos. He had some gay robot nerd shit guarding his place, but from the reports, the team just got juiced as hell and kicked all that stuff to shit.

I really just want to thank all the bros who participated around the country. Without your incredible brosephness, this would not of been possible. Just wanna give another shout out to DJ Danny J, for stepping it up in the absence of DJ Pauly D, and also Vinny and the boys for just being all around bro channel elite gentleman during this whole ordeal.

This is just a lesson to all the nerd groups out there. You thought that you were on top, with your dumb nerd attacks on the CIA, well we’re getting back on top, just like in High School, and we’ll kick your ass. So be afraid. It isn’t over yet, gibroni.

Now we can finally start making our homemade porn videos again, and log into our favorite tanning websites to check out the latest bro styles. To celebrate we got a big party down at Jenks tonight. So get your hair dryer and blow your hair out like it’s never been out. Lets go down to the shore and rock that shit.

In the words of the bro god Johnny Drama… VICTORY!

Caught Vancouver Riot Looter Saves Tree the Same Night, All is Forgiven

A UBC Vancouver student, caught red handed on a YouTube video  looting a tuxedo store during the recent hockey riots, has been forgiven by the city for saving a tree from other, more violent, rioters.

Identified by netizens from the video, Camille Cacnio had received almost universal condemnation from citizens of Vancouver, and many other Canadians over her actions. Under pressure from intense criticism, she wrote one of the most classy apology letters of all time, blaming everyone and everything but herself for her crime, “The place (was) already broken into, most of the contents of the store have already been stolen, so what difference does it make if I take a couple things”?

Her brilliantly written 3500 word “apology letter”, evoking many aspects of sociology and psychology, and using a variety of sources from scientific journals, was extremely well received. Stating that she “did not even plan” to participate in a riot that day, and how “on a regular day (she) wouldn’t condone looting”, her letter was readily accepted by the community, despite doing both. “I was convinced”, commented a once angry Vancouverite, “At first I thought that her and the mob was an embarrassment to to all of Canada, but thanks to her letter, I realized that we were no better than the mob ourselves by calling her out on it”.

The pants looting thief Camille, after a brilliantly written 15 paragraph section, which skilfully informed everyone that she was the victim of mob mentality, particularly moved everyone with her next section of the letter, entitled, “If you still don’t believe I’m a good person”. It read:”As many of you already know, I am majoring in Conservation Biology at UBC. I strongly belirve(sic) in ecological conservation and sustainability. That night, I saw a few people that were trying to knock trees down. So what did I do? I yelled at them, saying “Pleaaseee, not the treees!!!!” And what did they do? They stopped. And I felt like a hero.”

“Until she shared that brave story with us, I wasn’t in her boat either”, said another Vancouverite. “She was a hero. We Canadians value each and every one of our billions of trees. After all, our flag is a leaf”. The mayor of Vancouver, also moved by her heroics, will be giving Cacnio the key to the city, and a criminal pardon for saving the tree.

Though there are still some unconvinced by the apology letter, they will probably be converted soon as an effigy of the hero Camille is raised next to the saved tree. That, and the key to the city ceremony will be on Friday.

What could of happened to the tree if Cacnio hadn't saved it...

External Links:
The genius apology letter
More on the looters of the Vancouver riots

I’m Sorry I Disappoint You

I could tell as soon as I arrived that they were afraid. There I was, a Jew from Brooklyn. In Japan, I may as well of been Michael Jordan. Everyone stared at me with eager anticipation as I warmed up. A lot of people came up to ask me where I was from. I told them I was from New York City. Yes, the world Mecca of basketball New York fucking City bitch, what? Oh yeah, I was the fucking man. I finished my stretches, laced up my shoes, took a basketball, and walked out on the court. I hadn’t been on a court for a long time. It felt good. I walked towards the basket. I stop, set my feet, adjust my grip, and take my first shot. A collective gasp fills the room. An air ball. The basket is higher than I remember. I shoot again. I shoot too hard and it bounces off the top of the backboard and back into my hands. I then sloppily go in for a layup. I let go of the ball and it flows through the air, right over the basket. A guy realizes the truth and comes over to give me some pointers. Yes, I suck at basketball.

This is a sad story. Probably not for you, the reader, but for me, as a person. In Japan, as a foreign American guy, there are many preconceptions about you. For example, I’m supposed to speak none of the native tongue, only eat hamburgers, be fat, not be able to use chopsticks, love coffee to death, and mostly just be loud and obnoxious. These are things that a lot of Japanese not only think about of Americans, but most white non-Japanese in general. I have learned to accept these things, and politely (and sometimes not so politely) inform the person gawking at my use of chopsticks, that I have used them since I was twelve, and I learned how to in Brooklyn, NY from countless nights of Chinese takeout. But recently, there has been one thing thought of me that really hit me in the heart, because I wish it to be true. It also blew out in the open one of my misperceptions of Japanese people. It’s basketball. They think all Americans (even the white ones) are really good at basketball. And I thought (key word THOUGHT), that Japanese people were pretty lame at it (since they are all short or something).

Yeah, I was wrong. Most everyone I have played with so far is amazing. I am totally jealous. And most of them are just as tall, or taller than me. Most of the time. I end up massively disappointing every single person I play with. But there’s something deep inside the people I play with, even after seeing how terrible I am, that think I should have some sort of genetic disposition for playing. So despite them knowing fully well that I am atrocious, they play extra hard against me. The most talented, and scariest players defend me, and my fat ass has to run all over to defend them. They’ll be like, “MAXIM, YOU’RE MINE!” right before we start. All I can do is sigh and get my ass kicked.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake this notion that I should be good at basketball. It’s a sad reality. All I can do is show them quick that I suck, sit down, and take the beating that my white ass deserves.


Wrestlemania 1990: IT ISN’T OVER!

Were you one of those assholes who watched professional wrestling when you were a kid? Do you still watch it now? Really? What did you like about it I wonder? The muscles? The tights? The bulges? (My favorite part) The acting? Doesn’t really matter. I got good news for all you WWE “golden age” fanboys out there. Warp back to 1990 baby, because we got ourselves a good one, and this time…it’s for realz.

Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. They hate each other now more than ever. For reasons unknown except to the almighty wrestling gods, these two have begun their feud all over again. Hulk Hogan and his wife partner swapping whores? Hulk on all day coke binges? These are just some of the accusations coming from the the Warriors camp. Hulks reaction… I’m gonna sue the shit out of you!


It's Rocky VI all over again!

Yeah, Warrior! Give ’em that pre match smack talk!

Seriously, though, wtf. Why is the Warrior complaining that Hulks wanted him to screw his wife? That sounds awesome!

Until next time.