Sleepy Saturdays: Berries and Cream

Welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

During my college years, I was a funny man. I was a clownish man. I was a…berries man. Not really, but everyone said I was, all because of this commercial. It defined my freshman year.

Well, apparently this guy is my twin. And you know what… I can see it.

Have a great weekend!

-Maxim

Berries and Cream

The Drunken Subway Encounter

I feel like the older I get, the more I do things that can get me into trouble. I’m not talking about dumb trouble, like where you pimp slap your girlfriend for a very valiant and valid reason, and she won’t talk to you for a week. That’s easy to get out of: a nice firm smack on the butt and the good ol’ “make me a sandwich, beautiful” does it every time. Yeah, not that. What I’m talking about is the kind of trouble that can get you in jail (see Getting Out of Fights) and/or on the sexual predators list. So of course, being me, literally the day after I arrive back home I do just that.

I give you… the Drunken Subway Encounter.

Touching the Leg 1
Touching the Leg 2
Touching the Leg 3
Touching the Leg 4
Touching the Leg 5
Touching the Leg 6

Just tell me how lucky I am that this woman didn’t start screaming that I was sexual assaulting her on the train? She actually didn’t say anything… she probably liked it for all I know. I always get out of these situations completely unscathed. How do I do it, you ask? I get that a lot. It’s more simple than you think…
My Pilgrimage
Perhaps, though, I should start being more careful. Next time I may not be so… wait, what am I talking about? I’ll be fine.

Did You Miss Me?

Bear sucking faceHello lovelies! I am back from my vacation and am ready to put our little cove of madness back into gear full time. It was almost a month ago when I raced out of this hell bent, radiactive country known as J-Land, and went back to the land of mashed potato mountains known as America Town. I know that many of you were at the brink of giving up all hope of my return, but here I am, in the flesh, with over 15,000 miles added on that meter that records distance, whatever it’s called.

Oh yes, fresh back from….fresh…yeah….came back…just a couple of hours ago…uh huh…crap. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I got to come clean. I’ve been trying to be totally honest with all of you throughout this entire brain probing blog experience and If I start lying now, who knows where the truth eating will end. I’ve actually been back for three days. Three entire days. I’ve been sitting here, sleeping, laying down, drinking excessivly, with all the time in the world, and I hadn’t even thought about filling in you, my lovers. I’ve cheated you all of three days of awesomeness, and I feel down right bad about it. I hope I haven’t lost your trust.

So, to make it up to all of you, for the rest of this week I will be updating everyday until Saturday. That’s right, a new awesome anecdote related to my vacation, or just some memory being home reminded me of. Should be absolutely amazing. So, look forward to it people, you’re in for some fun!

Just to tie you over here is something awesome I found at home.

Jesus Truck

I love America.

How I Discovered Porn

I think every living, breathing person on this earth has watched porn at one time or another. Do you remember the exact moment it happened? Did you catch your parents watching it? Did your brother show it to you? Did someone at school tell you about it? Did you have HBO as a kid? I bet you can’t even remember exactly how you learned about this fundamental human right. Well, it just so happens I remember exactly how I did. And I got to say, it changed my life forever.

I was a young, strapping, innocent boy of around 9 or 10. If you’ve kept up on the blog at all, definitely around my exploratory girl toy phase. This was the time when the internet really starting booming, and my house was connected, oh yeah. We had a brand new Mac Power PC 6500 with 300 MHz of pure silicone heaven, connected to a blazingly fast 56k dial-up modem. We could be hooked up to the internet in all of 1.5 minutes. It was amazing.

A lot of times when my older brother would have friends over, I would shadow them. I was pretty cool myself, and had hundreds of my own friends, but there was something really special about hanging out with 14 year-olds. It was so awesome. So one day, my brother had a friend over named Aaron. My brother thought it would be a good idea to go on our new computer and surf the web for a little. They went on to the best search engine at the time, excite, and were trying to figure out what they were going to look up. With a malicious look on his face, Aaron jumped into the drivers seat and typed in four letters. The most important and influential four letter of my life. P-O-R-N, porn. Me not having heard of this word before thought nothing of it, but my brother, with superhuman speed and agility, jumped over his friend, and deleted the search. This was the impetus that would change everything.

As a curious and tech savvy 10 year old would, I committed the word to memory, and waited for a time where I had the computer to myself to see what this forbidden word was. When the time finally arrived, I went back to excite, typed in the word, and hit search. What awaited me was beyond anything in my wildest dreams.

A world of naked women lay before me. All I had to do was click, and I had access to blonds, brunettes, asians, whatever! Pictures of all the most beautiful women I had ever seen, with breasts! I had discovered the greatest thing in my life. Better than toys, better than friends, definitely better than school. I had been so entranced by porn that I had become immediately addicted. I wanted to watch it at all times. I started pretending I was sick so I could stay at home at watch it. I remember looking at a list of my absences and I had missed over 20 days for the school year. There are only about 20 weekdays in month, so I missed about a month of school that year to look at pictures of naked women. That has to be a record for a 10 year old.

Since my mom has an avid reader of my blog now (fuck), and I had never told her this story (or anyone for that matter), I had to come clean to her her before publishing; just to make sure she wouldn’t still be angry over something I did almost 15 years ago. She was surprised, but also told me “It’s totally normal for an elementary school boy to do that kind of SHIT”. Love you, Mom.

If you want to talk to your kids about porn, like my parents failed to do with me, go to this website… it will help. Hahahahaaahhahahahaahhaahhahah!

The Porn Talk

I Played With Girls Toys and Enjoyed It

GI Joes, Transformers, Remote Control Cars, and Legos. Yeah, I played with all those things. I enjoyed them very much. But there was something else, something much more… feminine that I liked to play with. My parents never had a problem with it, and I never gave it a second thought until now. I remember this very fondly, but I also do realize that what I was really doing was playing with girly toys.
When I was younger I had many girl friends. I had more girl friends then I did boy friends (They all wanted to marry by the way, not to boast). I would go to these girl friends houses and play with them. One friend in particular I really had a good time with. So what did we play? We played house, and we played house with Barbie dolls. She had it all. She had tons of Barbies, a Barbie dream house, a Barbie convertible, and of course Ken, Barbie’s cool boyfriend. I would be Ken, and my friend would be Barbie. We were married, (or soon to be married) and we had a life together, with a house, and a car, and a dog. Sometimes we would put our dolls in bed and make them kiss, cause that’s what adults did in bed. I wouldn’t look of course, because that was gross.

I loved this. That’s all I wanted to do. For a while I hadn’t brought this girly infection back home with me, but it wasn’t contained for long. One day I went to my this girls house, and she had the coolest Barbie doll I had ever seen. It was Aladdin, from the recently released Aladdin disney movie. It was awesome. It came with two costumes, Aladdin street rat, and Aladdin prince. It also had a little pet Apu! It could fly in my mind. Pure awesome. I played with it a couple of times at my friends house untill I couldn’t help myself and I asked my mom to get it for me for Christmas. In a house that didn’t allow any videogames (which at this time meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis), this was my best option that year. The girly toys had invaded my home. It was badass.

This went on and off till around 4th grade. After that I had changed schools, and lost of of my girlfriends so I had to play with boy stuff again. Well, it was good while it lasted.

I’m not ashamed of my dabbling into girls toys. It was awesome. I had a great time. Sometimes I would strip my dolls down and would make them dance naked. Totally not girly. And look at me now, a badass bro, ruling the world with my words. It was worth every minute.

-Maxim

How People Found Me: Top 10

In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).

-Maxim

My Path to Cultdom

A couple of posts ago I talked about some of the crazy Buddhist cults we have all around the world. And yes, I announced that I had in fact been a part of one. Today, I’ll try and tell my story and a little bit about the group. All these events happened about a year ago.

Fujitaisekiji Kenshokai, members in the millions

It was late spring of 2010. My second year on the job teaching. My main concern at the time? Women. Oh, yes, I was obsessed. I could not find a loving companion to rock the casaba with. My life was not complete. Of course I had women I was interested in, the problem was they weren’t interested in me. To this day I still don’t know why, cause I’m totally awesome. Anyway, a few months prior, the school got a new cute female teacher! She was nice, energetic, and young! Oh yes, I had the eyes for this voluptuous pussycat. But, being that were in a work environment, I couldn’t really do anything about it. But one day out of the blue she actually asked me out! It was completely random! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. My first break in months. Ever since this job had started, I had seriously the worst luck with women ever, and now I was finally getting asked out by a girl. Not only a regular girl, but a girl who wasn’t afraid to take the initiative. Frickin sexy, and super rare in Japan.

They day of the big date came! She decides to come by car and picks me up. We go to a cafe in a place only accessible by car (this will come into play later). So we start a talkin’! We were talking for about five minutes before I realized that we didn’t really have anything in common, and being with her was a drag. Still wanted to get into bed with her though so I was riding it out like a trooper. That’s when she dropped the first bombshell. She had a boyfriend. Now, okay, I shouldn’t have been too upset. But really, my heart was aching. And not the kind of aching you get when you’re heartbroken. This aching was full of “What the fuck!?” and “Why am I here!?”. This is also where she makes her second and most sneaky move. She tells me that actually, she invited me out for a reason. A reason? She takes out a book and asks me what I feel about buddhism. Crap! By this point I’m already far into her trap. She then spends the next hour taking to me about buddhism, this guy named Nichiren (a Japanese buddhist prophet), and this special group that she’s part of. Here were the main selling points:

-All young people!
-You look damn good when you die!
-You will get everything you want in life!
-No bad things will ever happen to you!
-Doomsday philosophy!

The literature she showed me. It's entitled "A Japan that goes against the great sage Nichiren is doomed".

I’m quite stunned at this point. Was this actually happening to me? I couldn’t do much other than nod. All I could do was wait for the inevitable question. And when that question came all I could do was nod my head and say “Ok, I’ll try it”. Now you’re probably asking yourself why I even said yes. It’s a hard question to answer. Well not really. One, I have a hard time saying no to anything, and two, I had just realized why she had brought me to this cafe only accessible by car… crap.

Have you ever imagined what it’s like in a cult center? I feel like I had some idea from watching TV and movies my entire life, but when I was actually brought to one , I realized that it was worse than I could possible imagine. When I walked into the place it was a sensory overload. First thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled like a dank hospital. Like your dying grandma in a hospice. Not pleasant. Second, the sounds. The muffled sounds of someone yelling from a TV, applause, and crying babies. Yeah, crying babies. And third, the sights. It was a very small, darkly lit room, with people sitting around in fetal position. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable.

My hot recruiter shuffles me into another room (the previous room was more like a hallway). I was surprised to see about 60 people stuffed into a space the size of a bedroom, watching a recording of speeches made at what seemed to be a large gathering of the cult. The room was packed, but I managed to find a little bit of space to sit down. I felt like I was being watched at all times, I literally kept looking behind me just in case someone was getting ready to stab me. What can I say, it was my first time at a cult center! One strange thing I noticed was the way they clapped at the television. We were definitely watching a DVD, yet everyone in the room felt the need to clap at the end of everyones speeches like they were actually there. Yes, I clapped along as well to avoid getting stabbed. Finally, when Mr. Supreme Leader Asai Sensei got up to speak, everyone sat up and looked very attentive. He spoke about how Japan was going to be invaded by China, and how a big earthquake was coming. After all that, everyone in Japan would finally realize that this cult was the way to go. Pretty standard if you ask me. The end of the speech brought thunderous applause (still a recording, by the way).

After the speeches were done, they turned on the lights, and people started trickling out. It was now time for my initiation ceremony. After a small fee of about 6 bucks, I was given my prayer beads and prayer book. We chanted for about 20 minutes and that was it! I was officially a cultist! The woman who preformed the ceremony asked me after why I had decided to join them, I couldn’t say a thing. It was also explained to me that every time you chant (you’re supposed to twice a day), you must face towards Mt. Fuji. Islam needs to file for some copyright infringement on this shit. It was a long day, and my recruiter finally let me go home and reflect on what I had just done.

After a great deal of soul searching, I told my recruiter I was through after about a week. It took about a month to actually get her to stop trying to convince me otherwise. She even called in backup in the form of another cultist from a city about 500 miles away to try and stop me from quitting. Thinking about it, I’m lucky I got out at all.

Moral of the story, beware of hot chicks who ask you out out of the blue, they’re actually cult recruiters.

-Maxim