I have never fought anyone. That’s right, other than my brother when we were kids, I have never been on the receiving end of any punches, kicks, or tackles, nor have ever given them. So why is that? If you have read anything on this blog you should know by now that I am not a nice guy. I am an asshole. I make people angry. I’m an instigator. I’m the type of person who pisses people off enough to get them to want to fight you. Now don’t get me wrong, that has happened on a number of occasions, but it never escalated into fights involving me. Nope not me… just other people.

I have come up with a series of defenses. Now I don’t want you to think I’m running away. These are just natural defenses that come out when shits going down; I can’t control em. I really would love to get into a fight and dole out some of my divine justice, It just ain’t happening. These defenses are seriously full proof. Here are two good ones.

The Pee Defense: This one’s pretty easy. When someone is pissing you off, say an inflammatory comment loud enough for the person to hear. Right after you say it, head to the bathroom and take a piss. Example: When I was in college, a drunken brigand friend of our roommate came over to our house. We had just finished up a party and we all wanted to get some sleep. But this extremely drunk tall muscular soccer player wouldn’t stop playing beer pong, and was being loud and annoying. So I made some comment rather loudly to my friends to the effect of “This cockass douchebag needs to get the fuck out of here right now”. I was also pretty drunk and had been holding back a whole bunch of pee. So I said what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom immediately. I was pulling down my pants in the stall when I heard the yelling outside. I stopped my flow, pulled up my pants without zipping, and ran outside to see what was going on. My large football player friend and that drunken brigand were at each others throats. My large football player swiftly dodged some punches and pushed him out of our house. Me? I was on the side jumping up and down cursing at him, but not fighting. After he was out of the house I stood by the window and gave him the finger for a while. After thing died down, I asked my roommate what had happened and he told me that the annoying guy had mistakenly thought that my friend had said my comment and got attacked. It’s not that I didn’t want to stand behind my words, I just really go to pee and missed my chance.

The Smiling defense: I’m not an angry asshole. You’ll never see me lash out at someone in anger. I have fun with it. People don’t usually stand around and watch if you’re in an establishment fighting. So if you run over and look at two people arguing and and see one happy guy and one angry guy, you know who started the aggression, right? Anyway here’s another story. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. We had observed some older weird guys in tuxedo’s wandering around the bar trying to pick up girls. They were failing miserably. Later that night after they had given up, one was sitting at the bar, so while I was ordering my next drink, I started a conversation with him. I started it with something like, “Not having much luck with the ladies tonight, are ya”? We talked a bit, he told me he was I doctor, I told him he looked pretty pathetic in that tuxedo; needless to say, it devolved from there. It got to the point where he threatened me with a blade he “had”, and I threatened him with a gun I “had”. The bartender overheard the rising tensions and he called over the bouncer. And since I had an innocent gleeful smile on my face during the whole time, and he looked like a maniac, the bouncer very physically kicked him out of the bar. I was safe, and I got out of another fight.

So if you’re ever want to be a real dick to someone but are afraid they’ll kick your ass for it, just utilize those two strategies and you’re golden! Good luck to you all!

-Maxim