Getting Out of Fights

I have never fought anyone. That’s right, other than my brother when we were kids, I have never been on the receiving end of any punches, kicks, or tackles, nor have ever given them. So why is that? If you have read anything on this blog you should know by now that I am not a nice guy. I am an asshole. I make people angry. I’m an instigator. I’m the type of person who pisses people off enough to get them to want to fight you. Now don’t get me wrong, that has happened on a number of occasions, but it never escalated into fights involving me. Nope not me… just other people.

I have come up with a series of defenses. Now I don’t want you to think I’m running away. These are just natural defenses that come out when shits going down; I can’t control em. I really would love to get into a fight and dole out some of my divine justice, It just ain’t happening. These defenses are seriously full proof. Here are two good ones.

The Pee Defense: This one’s pretty easy. When someone is pissing you off, say an inflammatory comment loud enough for the person to hear. Right after you say it, head to the bathroom and take a piss. Example: When I was in college, a drunken brigand friend of our roommate came over to our house. We had just finished up a party and we all wanted to get some sleep. But this extremely drunk tall muscular soccer player wouldn’t stop playing beer pong, and was being loud and annoying. So I made some comment rather loudly to my friends to the effect of “This cockass douchebag needs to get the fuck out of here right now”. I was also pretty drunk and had been holding back a whole bunch of pee. So I said what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom immediately. I was pulling down my pants in the stall when I heard the yelling outside. I stopped my flow, pulled up my pants without zipping, and ran outside to see what was going on. My large football player friend and that drunken brigand were at each others throats. My large football player swiftly dodged some punches and pushed him out of our house. Me? I was on the side jumping up and down cursing at him, but not fighting. After he was out of the house I stood by the window and gave him the finger for a while. After thing died down, I asked my roommate what had happened and he told me that the annoying guy had mistakenly thought that my friend had said my comment and got attacked. It’s not that I didn’t want to stand behind my words, I just really go to pee and missed my chance.

The Smiling defense: I’m not an angry asshole. You’ll never see me lash out at someone in anger. I have fun with it. People don’t usually stand around and watch if you’re in an establishment fighting. So if you run over and look at two people arguing and and see one happy guy and one angry guy, you know who started the aggression, right? Anyway here’s another story. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. We had observed some older weird guys in tuxedo’s wandering around the bar trying to pick up girls. They were failing miserably. Later that night after they had given up, one was sitting at the bar, so while I was ordering my next drink, I started a conversation with him. I started it with something like, “Not having much luck with the ladies tonight, are ya”? We talked a bit, he told me he was I doctor, I told him he looked pretty pathetic in that tuxedo; needless to say, it devolved from there. It got to the point where he threatened me with a blade he “had”, and I threatened him with a gun I “had”. The bartender overheard the rising tensions and he called over the bouncer. And since I had an innocent gleeful smile on my face during the whole time, and he looked like a maniac, the bouncer very physically kicked him out of the bar. I was safe, and I got out of another fight.

So if you’re ever want to be a real dick to someone but are afraid they’ll kick your ass for it, just utilize those two strategies and you’re golden! Good luck to you all!

-Maxim

Coming Out of the Closet (Kinda)

Okay, so I’m an asshole. I can’t get away from it. I love to make fun of people and I love make them feel horrible about themselves. It’s like a social African safari with me. You have the weak little zebras and gazelles, and you got the fucking lions. Not to boast, but I’m definitely a fucking lion. Now, it’s not always, black and white, lion and gazelle. Most of the times there are levels in between, like hyenas, or vultures, or elephants. The difference is, lions actively seek out and kill the gazelles. Those other freeloaders start picking at the corpse once you’re done. No, you don’t have to be a terribly strong person to be a lion, you just got to act like one. So if some poor person gives me the opportunity to make an ass out of them, eight times out of ten I’ll probably take it. It’s a bad habit, but I can’t help it.

So back on topic. There was this gazelle, no, not even a gazelle. Gazelles at least run away. This guy was a sheep or something. He was a self proclaimed introvert that introduced himself to me one day at a bar. And so the story begins…

Most times when you make fun of someone, they do one of two things. Take it like a man and make fun of themselves with you, or leave/not want to hang out with you anymore/hate you. But there are also people who just don’t get it. They just don’t understand that that they are the butt of all the jokes. That we’re not laughing with them, we’re laughing at them. Yes, he was that guy. But you know, once I got started thinking about this guy I realized, without this guy, the nights were not nearly as fun. So I would call him to go out with the specific reason just to make fun of him. Yes, I am that much of an asshole. My friends were already over it, but I just couldn’t get enough.

We didn’t just make fun of him directly. We would lie to him. We would create personalities. We would perform elaborate plays. I was the jew-hating racist, and my friend was my partner in hate-crime. This guy would passively listen to most of our personalities, simply dismissing our rouse as “not intelelectual enough for (his) participation”, sometimes throwing in the “Are you guys being serious?”. However, when it came to me and my friend talking about our violent love affair, or our escapades in bed, he got all in a huff. He loved women, and only women,e he proclaimed. He did not want to hear of our “disgusting and unnatural” talk of homosexual love. Yes, he was one of the most homophobic people I had ever met. Naturally, since this bothered him the most, we pushed it the most.

Sadly to say he moved away after about six months. Yes, it was sad but we got over it pretty quickly. Here’s where the story gets interesting.

Zoom ahead six months to now. I’ve had absolutly no contact with this kid since he left. Then out of the blue I get a call from him. I didn’t pick up. I was done with this guy. He called again 10 minutes later. Hmm, no. Not picking up that one either. He called again. Didn’t pick up, BUT, it got my mind wondering. “WTF?”, I thought. “Is this kid ok? Am I his one phone call from the police station? Is he out for vengence? Is he standing in front of my apartment with an axe?” I couldn’t possibly imagine what this kid would want from me after 6 months. I mean, he wasn’t exaclty the most social guy ever, but I’m sure he had found someone in that big city he moved to to annoy. My curiosity got the better of me, and I called him back. I’ll try to cronical the conversation the best I can.

Me: Hey, how are you?
Him: Hey, I’m good. How’s life over there?
Me: Same as it’s always been I guess.
Him: You know I’m over here in the city now.
Me: Yeah, I know, I know.
(small talk)
Him: Okay, let me jut get to the point
Me: Okay…
Him: Remember 4 or 5 months ago you invited me out to drink at…what was that bar again? Saylaaa….seeelaa….
Me: Swla. (Pronounced soola)
Him: Yeah, Swla. Remember that?
Me: 4 or 5 months ago?
Him: Yeah, you made a comment to me to the effect that you wanted me to go with you on the last train back to your neighborhood to stay over…
Me: Wait…what? Can you say that again?
(at this point i’m thinking he needs a place to stay)
Him: You know, you invited me out, and you wanted me to come with you on the last train to your apartment.
Me: Okay, sure…
Him: Ok, I’ll just say it. Were you coming on to me?
Me: Um…..what do you mean?
Him: I mean were you actually coming on to me?

At this point it all comes back. After months of not speaking to this guy, I had forgotten the extent in which I had preformed my act in front of him. I didn’t remember the specific episode he was talking about, but I had certainly alluded to him many times that I wanted to…do him… Not really, just to bother him… you know…since he was so…homophobic… At this point I had to decide on whether to continue the act, or to just tell him straight up we were making fun of him the whole time. I chose the middle path, like Bhutan.

Me: Yeah, man. I don’t know. It was a long time ago.
Him: Yeah it was.
Me: So, man. I dunno, it’s been a really long time. Have you been thinking about this for a while?
Him: Not that much.
Me: I just mean, you call me out of the blue when I haven’t seen or spoken to you for 6 months. It must of been on your mind a lot.
Him: I’m just curious. I’m a curious person.
(he changes the subject)
Him: So how’s your girlfriend? Things going good?

Couldn’t get a straight answer out of him, but by now it was pretty obvious. It’s always the most homophobic people. We talked a little bit more. Sensing I really couldn’t contain myself anymore, I decide to end the conversation.

Me: Yeah, I should go. I’m kinda busy right now. I’m working on my blog.
Him: Seems like everyone has blogs these days.
Me: Yeah, but it’s a comedy blog, it’s not really about me so much (Except now). Thinking maybe I want to get into comedy.
Him: If you can make me laugh right now you can be a comedian.
Me: No, not like stand up, more like well thought out, written material.
Him: Make me laugh right now and you can be a comedian.
Me: I…can’t….
Him: I just crushed your dreams.
Me: I really got to go…
Him: Ok. If you ever need a random friend to talk to, or a place to vent, give me a call.
Me: Thanks…you too man.
Him: You shouldn’t of said that! Haha!
Me: ha..ha.. Bye.
Him: Bye.

And that was it. I can’t believe he was brooding over this for months. It’s kind of sad really. That I was the guy he half came out to. Makes me think that I should try and fix my assholeish ways to aovid things like this in the future. Nah. It’s sad but its still hilarious.

Till next time.

-Maxim