Category Archives: Monsters

The Monster in St. Louis

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St. Louis SkylineThere is something on the loose in St. Louis. Something terrible, something monstrous. The people of the city are blissfully ignorant of what lives among them. I’ve told the story I am about to tell you to many of my friends, and none of them believe me, but I know what I saw. It is real, I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes. And I remember it vividly to this day.

When I was in middle school, my mom and I would often drive down to St. Louis to visit my grandma. I loved going because it was an incredibly long drive (about 1000 miles), and the time we spent in St. Louis got me out of school for weeks at a time. The way I remember it, St. Louis was a nice town. It had the gateway arch. The St. Louis Cardinals at famous Busch Stadium. It introduced me to American shopping malls as big as whole cities. It had this awesomely delicious chain called Steak and Shake, and this awesome frozen custard place called Ted Drewes. It had frickin’ IHOP (We don’t have those in NY)! They also got tornadoes. I love tornadoes! One day there was a tornado watch and it was so exciting, oh my god! St. Louis basically had everything I could ever want.

Except this…
Ahh! Real Monsters!
One day we were in the car riding down a normal residential street on a beautiful day. All the houses had nice front yards with nicely trimmed grass, trees everywhere. The quintessential American street. I was in the back of the car looking out the window; that’s when I saw it. There was a group of three or four people standing on a lawn. They were gathered around something. At first I couldn’t make out what it was… the shape too unnatural to be real. Maybe I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I rubbed my eyes in hopes that it would go away, but no, it was real. It was a person, if you could call it that. More beast than man really. So, what was so monstrous about this thing? Well, it was a guy showing off his massive two foot long erect penis.

This thing was gargantuan. I cannot stress this enough. How a person could survive with such a large penis plagues me to this day. There is was no doubt in my mind that it was a penis. I have to admit, I was in a moving vehicle, and this guy was about 20 feet away from me. Many of my friends say it could have been anything, a broom, or a bottle. But that can’t be true. Now although I was only eleven or twelve, I knew what an erect penis looked like, probably more than the average eleven or twelve year old. It wasn’t just straight like a stick, it was curved slightly upwards, like a dick! Totally different. And this guy wasn’t just standing still with his penis. He was showing it off in super pose style, with his hands moving around it in a way that seemed to be giving it power.

As soon as I saw it, it was gone. We drove away. I never told my mom. She was in the car but I didn’t tell her. What was I supposed to say? “Hey Mom, there’s a monster penis over there!” Totally unnecessary. Well, she knows now anyway.

So what do you think? Real, or did I see something that wasn’t there? All I know is it’s something I will never forget.

This is fake, but it was kind of like this.

Good day, and good penis.

-Maxim

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Thing

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Welcome to another edition of the Monsters Around Town, where we introduce you to all sorts of different monsters living among us humans. This week we sat down with a big fan favorite, the Thing. You may remember him from a film of the same title, as the monster that takes over people’s bodies, impersonate them, tricks that persons friends into thinking it’s really the original person, then killing and impersonating all of the friends! Here’s our exclusive unedited interview.
The Thing
*DISCLAMER* Maxim’s Madness does not condone monster racism, or any other form of discrimination. Any offensive comments made are the views of the interviewer, and not those of Maxim’s Madness.
MM: Where the hell is he? We’ve been waiting here hours for that frankie.

Intern: I don’t know, but it’s said he can take control over anyone’s body… so…maybe he’s already here. Maybe he’s been here for hours…inside one of us.

MM: First of all, it’s not a he or a she, it’s an IT. I don’t even know why they even make me interview these frankie assholes in the first place. They just want to eat us.

Assistant (Fred): Frankie is a very hateful word, Maxim.

MM: Whatcha talking about, Fred? You a frankie lover?

Assistant?: FrankenSTEIN was a great monster; he led our people from being mere forest dwellers to respected citizens accepted by society. You would do well to remember that. That’s part of the reason I agreed to do this show. To let people know the plight of–

MM: What do you mean our people? Wait…Thing?

Assistant (The Thing): Some people call me that.

MM: Thinnnggggggg. What’s up, man?

The Thing: Mm hmm.

MM: It was really hard to track you down, Thing. Are you always in somebody else’s body?

Assistant: You talking to me, boss?

MM: Boss? What? Fred?? The thing was just in you, dude! Where’d that frankie go?

Assistant: The Thing was in me? COOL!

*door opens, closes again*

Jeff Bridges: Over here. I thought I told you to stop using that hateful word.

MM: What the…Thing? You took over Jeff Bridges? The Dude? Look at that frankieover there. The Dude is the fucking MAN!

The Dude

Thing: He is one of my vassals. And with him, I will teach you a lesson. That word brings my people pain, and disrespects our leader. Now I will cause you pain.
*The Thing takes a knife and stabs himself(Jeff Bridges) in the gut*

MM: Oh, dear god! You fucking frankie! You stabbed the Dude! How could you stab the fucking DUDE?

The Thing: I will…ahggggggggh… kill…aackhh…everyone…kkaaaakchhh…you love! Don’t call us…graaaghwaawa… frankies.

*collapses*

MM: Shit. Is he dead?

Intern: Looks pretty dead…

MM: I mean the frankie.

*door opens and closes*

Kim Kardashian: I am not dead. Will this body give me your attention?

MM: Thiiiingggggg! You got hot!
Kim Kardashian
The Thing: I was told this was going to be an interview so…

MM: By the way, are you give the Dude a proper burial or you just going to leave him there?

The Thing: …are you going to ask me a question?

MM: That is a question. You know you have to give his ashes to the wind… spread them into the sea… it’s the Lebowski way… or do you frankies don’t even give us that courtesy? You just eat us, or stab us in the gut!

*The Thing reaches out and touches the bulge in Maxim’s pants*

The Thing: How is that. Will you ask a question now? Look, I’m beautiful.

MM: Dudeeee, the frankie is touching my balls, gross! You gay or something? Have it your way frankie. Ok, question, how are you taking over all these famous peoples bodies so quickly?

The Thing: I have a dungeon. A dungeon of celebrities.

MM: So why pick Kim Kardashian? She’s a bitch.

The Thing: I like to look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful.

MM: Uhh, gay. And who else you got in this celeb dungeon of yours?

The Thing: Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber, Gene Simmons…

MM: GENE SIMMONS?

The Thing: Gene Simmons.

MM: SHOW ME GENE SIMMONS!

The Thing: You don’t make demands to the Th—

MM: Don’t make me ask twice, forest frankie. Just show me Gene Simons.

The Thing: I will. But you must promise to give me some time to explain more about that hateful word. Also, if you say it again I may not be able to hold back my aggression towards you…

MM: Right, right, monsters, frankies, whatever. Now show me the Simmons!

The Thing: Wait here.

*Kim Cardashien leaves*

MM: This is gonna to be great.

*Door opens, closes*

Gene Simmons: Here he is.

MM: GEORGEOUS! I love Gene Simmons! Can I touch your tongue? Yes? Thanks! Boy, is it getting hot in here, or what? I LOVE Gene SIMMONSSS! And I thought I would only be interviewing boring frankies for the rest of my life.

The Thing: ffffffffFFFFFFRRAAAAANKKKKKIEEEEEEE!?

MM:Oh, shit! Gotta run!

And there you have it! Keep checking back for more interviews with the Monsters Around Town. If you have any suggestion for future interviews, please make your voice heard in the comments section!

Frankie

America is Under Attack… And I Know Who’s Doing It

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Welcome to part 3 of my vacation series! Have you been keeping up all week? I’m sure you have! Many of you know that last month I returned to my home sweet home in the beautiful United States, but what you probably didn’t know is that I also invited the girl who likes to call me her boyfriend. She happens to be Japanese and it was her first time out of Japan. How exciting, right? No, I was naive.

Everything seemed to be normal. We were havin a great time seeing the sights, driving around, shopping, and taking cute pictures with way to many peace signs.  But I soon realized that soon after we would leave an area, some strange sort of destruction would occur there. This kept happening over and over again, and I had begun to grow very suspicious. Listen to this…

For the first couple of days we drove up to see Niagara Falls. It was a beautiful place. Yet the next day, for the first time in decades, a Japanese college student fell fell into the river over the falls and to her death. They haven’t found the body. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she told me that people slip and fall on wet rocks all the time, this just happened to be on the side of a large waterfall. Curious.

Next. We spent the rest of our trip in New York. We had a great time. Until finally it was time to go home. We take off in an airplane, back to Japan. I returned home and soon after, the east coast has its first major earthquake in 50 years. I mentioned this to her as well. She told me that the east coast was due for a large earthquake, and it’s nothing to be scared of. “In Japan, we have earthquakes everyday, pussy!”, she boasted. Very curious.

And finally yesterday, yet again another huge natural disaster is on its way up the east coast. A once in a century, category 4 hurricane, which promises to be one of the most damaging and expensive hurricanes ever, and we just happened to leave just a couple of days ago, again. Coincidence? I think not. I was under the impression my girlfriend was a Japanese spy tasked with the destruction of America. Evil bitch.
Japanese Spy

Under the guise as her loving girlfriend, I entered her parents house (aka Ninja central) yesterday evening. I was looking for evidence of the terrible things she may have done, hoping not to find what I sought. What I found was worse than I could of possibly imagined.

The Japanese girl who fell in Niagara? A defecter who took asylum in the states years ago, feeding the US with information on the the movements of other covert ninja operatives in North America. My girlfriend made short work of her, though. Attaching a small slip gel dispensor on the womans shoes covertly, she patiently waited until the girl was taking photos next to the falls. Using a remote device, she dispensed the super secret Japanese engineered gel. The rest is history. She won’t be causing my girlfriend any trouble anymore.

How about our trip around New York and the surrounding area? Reconnaissance. We drove for countless hours in the countryside. Now that I think about it she was always holding this device which looked deceivingly like a cell phone. In actually, it was a geological surveryor, which could detect weaknesses in faultlines. After our departure from the states, the Japanese governement used the information she gathered for their secret underground plate shifting resinating wave. The resulting earthquake caused destruction to some of our most beloved monuments.

And the most recent and dangerous blow, in motion as we speak: My girlfriend had mentioned several times over the course of the trip that she was a “rain woman”, a cursed soul who causes rain to fall whenever they are walking around. It did rain a lot while we were there, but I just played it off as bad luck. Little did I know the Japanese government had actually developed a weather changing device. My girlfriends third and most calculating task was was to test this device for their master plan… creating and setting loose a massive hurricane to destroy the most populated city centers in the US. The category 4 hurricane is on its way as we speak.

How had I been so naive? My girlfriend had been using me all along. I was a tool in the an attack on my homeland, the likes which had never been seen since 1945. She brought us Pearl Harbor 2. How could I ever forgive myself?

Who knows what other diabolical schemes she and the ninjas have up their sleeve…
Banzai!

So, yeah, my girlfriends a spy, a fucking ninja. Hot!

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Blob

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I wonder how many people nowadays even remember this gelatinous ball of acidic goo. A single bacteria genetically mutated in space, comes back to earth to wreak havoc on us humans. The blob chills in its victims, on ceilings, even traveling through drain pipes to get what it wants, which is to quench its insatiable hunger.

It is the blob, and we sat down with it to ask some questions in this exclusive interview.

MM: So I just want to start off by saying I’m a big fan of yours. You know when I was young, I would always be afraid that you would come in through the vent above my toilet when I was taking a dump.

Blob: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, that’s classic. I was into that for a while. Not so much anymore, after the lawsuits.

MM: You know a lot of people think that you kill indiscriminately, but that’s not true is it?

Blob: No man, like all monsters, I got certain tastes. I mean, I do absorb my victims into my own being, so I got to choose carefully.

MM: So we got a lot of questions from our readers. A lot of them want to know how if you’ve ever gotten close to anyone? Or do you just eat everyone before you get that chance?

Blob: No, I go out with a bunch of guys in the neighborhood once in a while for a few drinks. That group has noticeably gotten smaller though. It’s hard to control my urges when drunk.

MM: I see. So we haven’t seen you around lately, what have you been up to?

Blob: Well, as you know I was mostly destroyed back in ’88. I’ve had to keep a low profile after that, so I opened up a small cat cafe in Portland, Oregon. I’m doing quite well for myself.

MM:Cat cafe?

Blob:Yeah, it’s all the rage in Japan. People come in and there are just a bunch of cats everywhere. People can order drinks and hang out with all the cats. It’s getting quite popular.

MM: There are actually places like that? I’ll have to stop by sometime. Big cat fan. So Blob, I have to ask you, you’re an acidic pile of goo with a taste for human flesh, how do you stop yourself from killing everyone and everything in site?

Blob: I have no comment on that.

MM: Hey, my assistants gone! Blob, you didn’t!

Blob: Hah hah!

Hope you enjoyed our interview with the famous Blob! And if you’re ever in the Portland area, don’t forget to check out his cafe, Witty Kitty Witty.

Until next time,

Maxim