Monthly Archives: June 2011

I Played With Girls Toys and Enjoyed It

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GI Joes, Transformers, Remote Control Cars, and Legos. Yeah, I played with all those things. I enjoyed them very much. But there was something else, something much more… feminine that I liked to play with. My parents never had a problem with it, and I never gave it a second thought until now. I remember this very fondly, but I also do realize that what I was really doing was playing with girly toys.
When I was younger I had many girl friends. I had more girl friends then I did boy friends (They all wanted to marry by the way, not to boast). I would go to these girl friends houses and play with them. One friend in particular I really had a good time with. So what did we play? We played house, and we played house with Barbie dolls. She had it all. She had tons of Barbies, a Barbie dream house, a Barbie convertible, and of course Ken, Barbie’s cool boyfriend. I would be Ken, and my friend would be Barbie. We were married, (or soon to be married) and we had a life together, with a house, and a car, and a dog. Sometimes we would put our dolls in bed and make them kiss, cause that’s what adults did in bed. I wouldn’t look of course, because that was gross.

I loved this. That’s all I wanted to do. For a while I hadn’t brought this girly infection back home with me, but it wasn’t contained for long. One day I went to my this girls house, and she had the coolest Barbie doll I had ever seen. It was Aladdin, from the recently released Aladdin disney movie. It was awesome. It came with two costumes, Aladdin street rat, and Aladdin prince. It also had a little pet Apu! It could fly in my mind. Pure awesome. I played with it a couple of times at my friends house untill I couldn’t help myself and I asked my mom to get it for me for Christmas. In a house that didn’t allow any videogames (which at this time meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis), this was my best option that year. The girly toys had invaded my home. It was badass.

This went on and off till around 4th grade. After that I had changed schools, and lost of of my girlfriends so I had to play with boy stuff again. Well, it was good while it lasted.

I’m not ashamed of my dabbling into girls toys. It was awesome. I had a great time. Sometimes I would strip my dolls down and would make them dance naked. Totally not girly. And look at me now, a badass bro, ruling the world with my words. It was worth every minute.

-Maxim

I Love You, Norman Reedus

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I know many of you are going, “Who the hell is Norman Reedus?”. Well, let me explain. It begins with Lady Gaga. I absolutely love her new video for the song “Judas”. I don’t want to deny this fact anymore. Well, I haven’t really been denying, it’s just that I don’t come across as an awesome bro badass who also happens to watch Lady Gaga videos. Now you know, you can be both. Okay, so, Judas, woah, I just love that shit, okay? If you’re not familiar with the video I suggest you go watch it now. Yeah, the song is catchy, yeah, Lady Gaga looks like a bad ass biker chick, but there was something else, something hidden that has kept drawing me back to this video time and time again. I didn’t know what it was… until now.

It’s this guy:

Now most of you know this sexy guy from the cult flick “The Boondock Saints”. Yeah, I saw it once, whatever. It was okay. It’s totally unrelated. I didn’t even realize that he played that Irish douche. What did come into my head when I saw him in the video, was the words”complete and utter badass”. I finally realized that I kept watching this music video just to see this guy. He’s only in the thing for like 33 seconds, but shit man, him in his tight leather jacket, with that rugged “Come get some!” attitude. His “I’m a fucking pimp” face. Holy shit. Holy shit… I don’t even know what to say, it’s just that I had to put this down somewhere. I love this guy. His name is Norman Reedus. And he is a complete and utter badass. Wow. Wow. Wow.

-Maxim

P.S. You can still be a bro and confess you’re love for an awesome dude. Stop being a douche.

How People Found Me: Top 10

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In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).

-Maxim

We did it Bros! VIC-TO-RY!

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Have all you bros out there heard the news? Thanks to the quick mobilization of the elite Bro force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X, Lulzsec, the group full of nerds hacking our most precious websites, has ran away to their mommies. We knew it would be an easy fight, since these nerds are nothing compared to bro power, but we had no idea it would be this easy. Only six days after our initial call to arms, we destroyed their whole chicken-shit organization. We found one of their leaders through the ancient bro power of nerdsense down on Chester by kinkos. He had some gay robot nerd shit guarding his place, but from the reports, the team just got juiced as hell and kicked all that stuff to shit.

I really just want to thank all the bros who participated around the country. Without your incredible brosephness, this would not of been possible. Just wanna give another shout out to DJ Danny J, for stepping it up in the absence of DJ Pauly D, and also Vinny and the boys for just being all around bro channel elite gentleman during this whole ordeal.

This is just a lesson to all the nerd groups out there. You thought that you were on top, with your dumb nerd attacks on the CIA, well we’re getting back on top, just like in High School, and we’ll kick your ass. So be afraid. It isn’t over yet, gibroni.

Now we can finally start making our homemade porn videos again, and log into our favorite tanning websites to check out the latest bro styles. To celebrate we got a big party down at Jenks tonight. So get your hair dryer and blow your hair out like it’s never been out. Lets go down to the shore and rock that shit.

In the words of the bro god Johnny Drama… VICTORY!

Sleepy Saturdays: Drinking Strange Liquids

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Hmm…..I wonder whats in the glass? Looks pretty good. These beautiful kiwis sure look…happy…scared? What could the mystery liquid be?

Oh, okay. It’s made from this you say? Strange white liquid. Interesting. I like many white liquids… Milk…calpis….glue. Those women are drinking something like that, right? What’s that? It’s milky but it’s not milk? No, it couldn’t be….

WHAT!? Horse semen!? Those three girls are drinking shots of horse semen? You say it tastes like custard? Sweet jesus.  People do a lot of strange things in this world, but the guy who first tasted his horses semen and discovered it tasted like custard is not right in the head. Though what can you expect, people sleep with horses, the next logical step is drinking their semen.

This is all true by the way.

Link to article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/22/horse-semen-shots-custard_n_882053.html

Getting Out of Fights

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I have never fought anyone. That’s right, other than my brother when we were kids, I have never been on the receiving end of any punches, kicks, or tackles, nor have ever given them. So why is that? If you have read anything on this blog you should know by now that I am not a nice guy. I am an asshole. I make people angry. I’m an instigator. I’m the type of person who pisses people off enough to get them to want to fight you. Now don’t get me wrong, that has happened on a number of occasions, but it never escalated into fights involving me. Nope not me… just other people.

I have come up with a series of defenses. Now I don’t want you to think I’m running away. These are just natural defenses that come out when shits going down; I can’t control em. I really would love to get into a fight and dole out some of my divine justice, It just ain’t happening. These defenses are seriously full proof. Here are two good ones.

The Pee Defense: This one’s pretty easy. When someone is pissing you off, say an inflammatory comment loud enough for the person to hear. Right after you say it, head to the bathroom and take a piss. Example: When I was in college, a drunken brigand friend of our roommate came over to our house. We had just finished up a party and we all wanted to get some sleep. But this extremely drunk tall muscular soccer player wouldn’t stop playing beer pong, and was being loud and annoying. So I made some comment rather loudly to my friends to the effect of “This cockass douchebag needs to get the fuck out of here right now”. I was also pretty drunk and had been holding back a whole bunch of pee. So I said what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom immediately. I was pulling down my pants in the stall when I heard the yelling outside. I stopped my flow, pulled up my pants without zipping, and ran outside to see what was going on. My large football player friend and that drunken brigand were at each others throats. My large football player swiftly dodged some punches and pushed him out of our house. Me? I was on the side jumping up and down cursing at him, but not fighting. After he was out of the house I stood by the window and gave him the finger for a while. After thing died down, I asked my roommate what had happened and he told me that the annoying guy had mistakenly thought that my friend had said my comment and got attacked. It’s not that I didn’t want to stand behind my words, I just really go to pee and missed my chance.

The Smiling defense: I’m not an angry asshole. You’ll never see me lash out at someone in anger. I have fun with it. People don’t usually stand around and watch if you’re in an establishment fighting. So if you run over and look at two people arguing and and see one happy guy and one angry guy, you know who started the aggression, right? Anyway here’s another story. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. We had observed some older weird guys in tuxedo’s wandering around the bar trying to pick up girls. They were failing miserably. Later that night after they had given up, one was sitting at the bar, so while I was ordering my next drink, I started a conversation with him. I started it with something like, “Not having much luck with the ladies tonight, are ya”? We talked a bit, he told me he was I doctor, I told him he looked pretty pathetic in that tuxedo; needless to say, it devolved from there. It got to the point where he threatened me with a blade he “had”, and I threatened him with a gun I “had”. The bartender overheard the rising tensions and he called over the bouncer. And since I had an innocent gleeful smile on my face during the whole time, and he looked like a maniac, the bouncer very physically kicked him out of the bar. I was safe, and I got out of another fight.

So if you’re ever want to be a real dick to someone but are afraid they’ll kick your ass for it, just utilize those two strategies and you’re golden! Good luck to you all!

-Maxim

Caught Vancouver Riot Looter Saves Tree the Same Night, All is Forgiven

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A UBC Vancouver student, caught red handed on a YouTube video  looting a tuxedo store during the recent hockey riots, has been forgiven by the city for saving a tree from other, more violent, rioters.

Identified by netizens from the video, Camille Cacnio had received almost universal condemnation from citizens of Vancouver, and many other Canadians over her actions. Under pressure from intense criticism, she wrote one of the most classy apology letters of all time, blaming everyone and everything but herself for her crime, “The place (was) already broken into, most of the contents of the store have already been stolen, so what difference does it make if I take a couple things”?

Her brilliantly written 3500 word “apology letter”, evoking many aspects of sociology and psychology, and using a variety of sources from scientific journals, was extremely well received. Stating that she “did not even plan” to participate in a riot that day, and how “on a regular day (she) wouldn’t condone looting”, her letter was readily accepted by the community, despite doing both. “I was convinced”, commented a once angry Vancouverite, “At first I thought that her and the mob was an embarrassment to to all of Canada, but thanks to her letter, I realized that we were no better than the mob ourselves by calling her out on it”.

The pants looting thief Camille, after a brilliantly written 15 paragraph section, which skilfully informed everyone that she was the victim of mob mentality, particularly moved everyone with her next section of the letter, entitled, “If you still don’t believe I’m a good person”. It read:”As many of you already know, I am majoring in Conservation Biology at UBC. I strongly belirve(sic) in ecological conservation and sustainability. That night, I saw a few people that were trying to knock trees down. So what did I do? I yelled at them, saying “Pleaaseee, not the treees!!!!” And what did they do? They stopped. And I felt like a hero.”

“Until she shared that brave story with us, I wasn’t in her boat either”, said another Vancouverite. “She was a hero. We Canadians value each and every one of our billions of trees. After all, our flag is a leaf”. The mayor of Vancouver, also moved by her heroics, will be giving Cacnio the key to the city, and a criminal pardon for saving the tree.

Though there are still some unconvinced by the apology letter, they will probably be converted soon as an effigy of the hero Camille is raised next to the saved tree. That, and the key to the city ceremony will be on Friday.

What could of happened to the tree if Cacnio hadn't saved it...

External Links:
The genius apology letter
More on the looters of the Vancouver riots

I Get Sexually Abused at Work

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I can’t keep it to myself anymore. It’s been going on for about 2 years now, almost on a daily basis. Being shown things; being touched inappropriately. I tell them to stop, that it isn’t right, but they don’t listen. In an environment such as the elementary school, you may think that getting sexually abused by children is just a joke, but it’s a very serious problem for many adults. Parents and teachers are afraid to speak out everywhere. The society we live in forgives these children, and tells them that what they do is ok since they are just kids and can’t help it. But not anymore. We must put an end to abuse by children.

Here’s some examples just from today:

We were around the pool. I didn’t bring my bathing suit, so I was crouching down by the side of the pool watching the children. Some of the kids didn’t have their bathing suits either, so they had to sit around and wait as well. The pants I was wearing were pretty tight, so while I was crouching down, my underwear was showing a little bit. The kids were sitting right behind me, giggling. One snuck up behind me, and pulled my pants down a little. I told him to stop and he ran back to the group. I pulled down my shirt and pulled up my pants. After a minute one ran behind me and lifted my shirt to see my underwear again. They kept doing this for another 20 minutes. It was humiliating. Some people would say that dressing like brings on this kind of behavior. Just goes to show what kind of messed up society we live in, blaming the victim of abuse when we really should be blaming the abuser.

It’s not the victim’s fault. Try and understand.

A little later, another kid called out my name and told me to look over at him. To my horror his penis was sticking out. I quickly looked away. He was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away crying.

Again, just one day. I’ve experienced much more. From being asked directly what my penis looks like, to full on grabs of my junk (their short stature allows easy access), to fingers being stuck up my ass (again, easy access). No person should have to work in those kinds conditions. That’s why I am coming out publicly and asking other men and woman who get sexually abused by children, wherever they may be, to speak out. Let’s tell these children that it is not okay to abuse us. We have the power. We are not alone.

-Maxim

A Call to All Bros

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My bros. The world is turning upside down. We are now living in an age where our massive sex appeal, our incredibly large muscles, our quick tempers, our awesome tans, and our popped collars are losing their influence. What’s taking its place? Online hacker nerds. Yes, our arch enemies. The scrawny weiner kids with glasses we beat up at school are now claiming that they’re the shit. These guys, using names like “lulzsec”, “Anonymous”, and “/b/tards”, are going around, fucking with the CIA, fucking with Sony, and fucking with our countries shit. Now I know every self respecting Bro who loves their country should be up in arms about this, but I don’t see any action from the very respectful bro representatives at “the shore”. I mean, DJ Pauly D hasn’t said a thing, and you know that asshole Vinny won’t do anything. Our leadership is incapable. We got to take this into our own hands.

True bros know what really counts in this world. Muscles, tans, and of course, just being the fucking man all the time. That’s why I am calling up all the real bro’s in the world to fight against these ninnies. They may be able to hack into our computer, steal our naked photos, steal our social security numbers, our credit card information, our tanning salon account IDs, but they can’t, I repeat, CAN’T, steal our muscles. So we’re gonna use them. We will make them pay for the Denial of Service attacks on the Javina’s Tanning Salon, and Ronnie’s Man the Fuck Up Gym’s websites. We will go around the country, searching for these nerds wherever they may be, and kick those damn lizard fucking foureyes’ asses!

Here’s what those gibronis look like:

You remember those assholes, right? All right bros, let’s go get those nerds.

Sleepy Saturdays: Before and After

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Oh, young Arnold. You sexy beast. Who could of known that you would become this blob of grossness in a speedo. Fuck it, I take it back. I’d do ’em both. LOVE YOU ARNIE!!!! ❤


A boxer before and after a fight. Before he’s so confident and sharp. And a lil’ angry lookin’. After he’s tilting his head like a sad puppy about to say “Ma-ma?”

Crystal meth addict. Before: Aww, I’m so sad…. I got arrested! Wah, wah, wah. After: YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I’M GONNA CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOU’RE THROAT RARAARAGA ARAGRAGRAGR AGRAGRAGRAGRARGARGRAGRARGARGAGRAGR!