How People Found Me: Top 10

In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).

-Maxim

Guess What Mental Disease You Probably Have?

Do you find you often procrastinate? Do you forget things? Is your desk usually a mess? Are you bored often? If you said “yes” to all (or some) of the above questions, don’t be alarmed… you just have adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Yes, the condition usually only associated with children is now estimated to affect an alarming 4% of all American adults. That’s like seven bajillion people. That means you. You’re probably thinking, “But those symptoms are so broad. Everyone is like that sometimes!” Think again, buster. Go to a psychologist immediately, because the consequences if you don’t could destroy your life and haunt you forever.

So you don’t believe me, huh? Check out some of these real stories and see how their lives were ruined by undiagnosed adult ADHD.

Heather Sinclair was a librarian at the public library. Despite her dynamic and ever challenging profession, she was bored at work often. Her mind would wander. After her shift was done she would often rush home to do things that she found entertaining. With her mind always wondering, she had forgotten to email her dad on his birthday. Heather’s father, who lived off the messages received from his children, was thrown into distress. He then died from a sudden onset of polyglandular Addison’s disease (an illness where sudden emotion shock can kill you). If she had only realized that she had a serious mental illness, she could of saved him the trauma, but no, she forgot. Her father is now dead because of it.

Here’s another one.

Sam Robinson was a 26 year old C average student at Kingsborough Community College. Sure, if you had asked him before, he would he would have told you that he’s just an average Joe, trying to get a better education. But all of his procrastination had deadly consequences. He had three midterms the next week and he hadn’t begun studying. He decided that doing the work was impossible, so instead, he enlisted the help of the Russian mob. He instructed them to hack into his professors computers and steal the answer keys. Little did he know that he was an idiot for asking the Russian mob to hack into anything to begin with. Instead, they found the professors and got the answers out of them by force. One of his professors tried to defend himself, and was killed in the struggle. When they came back to Sam and demanded more money for the extra work, he couldn’t pay and tried to get out of the deal. The mob didn’t take too kindly to this. They took his family hostage. He went to the police, and they killed his parents for his betrayal. Sam is now being kept under the witness protection program. If only he had realized that it could have all been avoided if he had just asked his drug dealing roommate for cocktail of Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Concerta, he would have been fine. Too late. His parents are dead. ADHD is to blame.

There are countless stories. And they all end the same way.

You’re still not convinced? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like it’s unnatural to sit at a desk for hours. Like its unnatural that you should want to do all tasks promptly. You think we evolved from cave people that magically had something exciting to do all the time? You think ADHD is a modern creation?!? You’re worse off than I thought.

I highly recommend that any people suffering from these symptoms go seek medical help immediately. We can only hope that you will reach those pills in time. All of your family’s lives depend on it.