Monthly Archives: September 2011

Captain Planet is a Good Alien

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You may have seen this video making its rounds around the internet.

It’s a video of the famous Captain Planet. But the Captain Planet portrayed here is not the Captain Planet we grew up with and learned to love, this Captain Planet is a fucking impostor. This is pure propaganda by big corporations and polluters to destroy the image of the earths last defender. He’s the captain of the frickin’ planet, for gods sake. Why would you do this to him. Can’t you see that this person is just a black guy in makeup? Not convinced? Let me explain to you some things about the real green savior of the world.

Captain Planet does not fire things out of his genitalia

As much as we may imagine his package packing a punch, Captain Planet does not fire beams out of his junk. This is just ridiculous. Captain planet is blessed with the powers of all the five elements, earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. What would he need penis power for? He can make plenty of those with Earth + Fire + Water, and a little heart. With those powers combined, I’m sure he can you make you feel mighty fine if you let him.

Captain planet does does not swear

Captain planet is the embodiment of the earth’s power. He does not pollute his mouth with such foul sounds as “punkass”, “dickhole”, “bitches”, and “mother fucker”. What he does fill his mouth with, however, are gems like: “I feel like a brand new hero!”, “Next time, Planeteers, go solar. Not kaboom”, “Call me Captain Combustion, a spontaneous kinda guy”, and best of all, “Some days you’re the spider, some days you’re the fly. And it’s a fly day for me”. What a wordsmith.

Captain Planet says “The power is yours”, not “The power is mine”

This is the smoking gun. How could those stupid propagandists get such a simple Captain mannerism so wrong? Captain planet likes to give power, not receive it. Most captains would take a little bit of the power, just to try it once, but not our captain. He gives power to all the little children of the world. All of them. Like the tooth fairy, or Jesus.

Captain Planet is a good alien. He does not shoot shit out of his junk to turn humans into trees. He does not swear. And he gives a hole load of power to everyone around the world. If you can’t see through this propaganda, you’re beyond hope, and I pity you, and pray for the world.

Until next time,

-Maxim

Captain Planet

Superstar Training

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Jesus Christ SuperstarAs most of you know, one of the major goals of this blog is to lift me into superstardom of proportions never before seen by man. I’ve known for a while now that this lofty goal is probably unnattainable, but I will never give up. Not just anyone can become a superstar though, honing the neccisary skills needed to be a great superstar requires intense daily training sessions. Most of these desired skills have been hidden from the the world for thousands of years, but using years of painstaking research done by me on past and current superstars, I have uncovered these viciously guarded secrets of the awesome. I’ve personally been testing them for years now, and I am definitely the coolest person I know. Proof enough, right? I would like to share my findings with you all today. Everything you need in four easy to follow steps.

1. Lots of Karaoke

Any superstar who wants to amount to anything has to have the voice of a thousand virgins in perfect harmony. To achieve this, you must practice everyday in front of your computer singing your favorite songs from youtube over and over again. Don’t waste that shower time either! Showers are great places to look at yourself naked in the mirror while singing. Get a feel for your body, it is your most important asset. Commutes to work are useful as well. Don’t be afraid to excersize those pipes in front of random strangers. They may even hand you a few bucks! Don’t forget to thank them in kind. Lastly, and most importantly, put your awesomeness to the test! Go down to the local karaoke bar and test those skills in a real performance setting! Get acquainted with a mic. Feel it in your hands. Get used the long cylindrical shape, you’ll be working with it a lot.

Recommended Songs:

Moving Out – Billy Joel

Don’t Turn Around – Ace of Base

We Built This City – Starship

2. Hitting on Girls

No superstar is complete without his seven concubine groupies surrounding him (or her) at all times. Work on your “look”. Look at them like you don’t give a shit, and if they give you a dirty look back, bitch smack them for their insolence. Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t happen to much. The usual reaction is them telling their friend how cool you are. Then you know you have em’. Take out the chemicals, offer them some special “water”, and pounce. Nothing to it really. They’re your slave for life. Being the genuine sexy badass I am, my success rate is around 84.324215778 percent with this method. You probably won’t have as much sucess at me at first, but the more you do it the better (and sneakier) you get. Most superstars have even higher than me! Just look at R.Kelly.

3. Don’t be Fat

This is probably the hardest for most of you guys. It certainly is for me. A key part of being a superstar is not being a greasy load of lard. I do admit on the odd day I wake up with an empty bucket of fried chicken skins, an extra 32 pounds, and a belly which covers the view to my junk, but you must resist temptation as much as possible. I highly recommend this dance regiment. Not only will you lose weight, but it’s a must for any superstar. Sing and dance at the same time for double points.

4. Natural Talent/Selling Your Soul

Despite all the work you put in to being a completely awesome superstar, all man was not created equal when it comes to natrual coolness factor. Some people are just not an awesome supercool badass no matter what they do. If you are a pureblood coolio, props to you, bra! If not, I highly recommend selling your soul to the closest evil deity for some extra needed coolness right away. It may just give you that little edge you need to get ahead in life. If you already have the natural ability, you may want to sell that soul anyway, you won’t be needing it where you’re going.

So there you have it, four guaranteed ways to get you super star ready for your big day! Try them out and tell me how well they worked!

Until next time, superstars.

-Maxim

Tatooine Found?

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Binary Star SystemWe got some exciting stuff for you today! This story caught my attention a couple of days ago and I feel it is my duty to inform the public. The Kepler telescope, a telescope designed for searching for extra-solar planets, has discovered a planet orbiting two suns. The planet is thought to be an uninhabited gas giant.

Scientists are hailing this as a breakthrough discovery since it is the first planet found to orbit a binary star system. Though I think they’re missing something even more important… some have suggested, and I think rightfully, that this planet is probably the famous planet from the Star Wars universe, Tatooine. You remember, Luke Skywalker’s home? The one with all the desert and the two suns? Yeah, you remember. Think about it, many of you know that the whole Star Wars saga takes place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”. right? Okay. Most of you also know that when we observe a far away object from earth, we are observing the object as it appeared in the past, depending on how many light years it is away from us. So why shouldn’t it be Tatooine? It fits the bill! Well, I’ve done my own calculations, and I’m pretty sure that we can pinpoint, based on the distance of the system, and the exact time I have figured to be “a long, long time ago” to be, that we are looking at the Tatooine shortly after the events of Return of the Jedi. Don’t question my calculations! Anyway, pretty cool, right?

However, this discovery is also quite troubling. Since Tatooine appears like it is no longer inhabitable, I think we can safely say that Tatooine has been assaulted by some sort of incredibly destructive force not yet known even by the great sage George Lucas. Something maybe even more powerful than Darth Vader… but not the Death Star…the Death Star would destroy the planet, right? Anyway, since we have been dependent on the famous historian Lucas for all information on that part of the universe so far, and there has been no word from his camp on this matter, it may just go to show that perhaps he just doesn’t know. Maybe there are no records from this galaxy after Return of the Jedi. Maybe whatever happened to Tatooine has affected the whole Star Wars universe. Maybe there is nothing left.

I urge NASA to refocus the Kepler telescope on this area and see if we can discover more planets from the Star Wars universe. We must find out the fate of our friends. If not to help them, but to at least make another movie.

Luke Skywalker, Tatooine

Making new discoveries every day,

-Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Drive Recklessly

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Hello netizens and welcome to another addition of Sleepy Saturdays, a quick injection of weekend humor. This week on Sleepy Saturdays I give you an impossible situation: Would you kill a person if you knew they would cause the destruction of the entire world? And had a time machine? This video addresses all those problems and more. Enjoy!

Amazing. Raises some great questions.

Happy Saturdays!
Satueday
-Maxim

Experiment on Cats

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Glow in the dark catFor those of you living under a rock, perhaps one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the 21st century was reported the other day. Scientists injected genes from several different animals into a feline egg. The boring part is that some of the injected genes come from AIDS resistant monkeys, with the intention that perhaps these genes would help fight off AIDS in the cats…whatever, not important. The interesting part is that they also injected genes from a certain type of awesome jellyfish. This very special type of jellyfish glow when ultraviolet light is shined on them. Again, they put these genes into the cats. So… glowy jellyfish genes + cats = glowing green cats? A joke? No, it’s serious. The experiments so far have been quite successful, the cats fucking glow. There are real pictures out there of glowing green kitties. And it doesn’t stop there; scientists are planning to continue the research in the effectiveness of these genes on the cats in the future. So we are experimenting on cats. And it totally rocks. Until now I could safely say that experimenting on animals was wrong. What good can out of testing shampoo on a monkey? But this? It changes everything. Imagine the possibilities. Glowing humans. Glowing penis. Real light sabers. What we need now is more cat experimentation.

I can see why a large percent of the population may not want to do this for cuteness reasons, but come on… haven’t any of you seen Cats vs. Dogs? Cats are evil. I feel like I am one of the few people in the world who understands this. And now that cats have been found useful to experiment on, I see no problem to let them regain their honor by voluntarily giving themselves in for the goodness of all mankind. What harm did a little glowy action ever do to anyone? I implore everyone in possession of a cat to turn it in to your local authorities so we can begin the experimentation as soon as possible, for the good of the world.

Now that we’ve established that experimenting on cats is ok, and you’re saving mankind by giving up your cats, we must look for ways to move the research forward. Glowing cats are incredible, but we must branch out from just glow, to other amazing potential augmentations. The question is, what should we do next? Should we go for multiple limbs, or laser eyes implants? The possibilities are endless. Love to hear your ideas.

We are entering a new age, ushered in by our scientific prowess, and cats. These are very exciting times. Let’s not keep the human race in the dark ages, the age with no glowing cats and humans. We can move out of the dark, and into the light! Experiment on more cats! Let’s do it!

Glowing Cat 2

The Short Memories of Men

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In this global recession millions all around the world are out of work. Countries are spending billions of dollars on their economies to create jobs and get people back to work. Yet there is a group who has not recievedd any attention from world governments, or even any coverage by the media. A group that has been suffering not for decades, not for centuries, but for millennia. They are the ancient gods of yore, long forgotten by men. Most if not all of their power is lost to them. Yet they are left to live among us. Immortal yes, but pained with unemployment, perhaps until the end of time. This is the story of three of these gods trying to survive in a strange world.

ZeusStuffed at the drive through booth of a Dairy Queen, the Greek god of thunder, and king of Mount Olympus, Zeus, talks to us in the parking lot. “It’s a load of bull crap if you ask me. These humans have ten years of trouble and they complain like it’s the end of the world. You know what that feels like to an immortal? I walk to the toilet to take a shit, come back and my boss is dead and some young up and comer asshole is asking me who I am. Who I am! We’ve been out of a job since that douche-bag Jesus told everyone to worship Big Blue Eyes. That’s what we called him back then, the little punk. Look at him now, with all his fame and power. He would of been nothing it if weren’t for us! We raised that guy from obscurity, gave him a chance. Now he’s fucking us all in the ass till the end of time.”

HeimdallrHere’s a god not doing too poorly. We caught up with the Norse god, Heimdallr, in a cramped office in Chinatown. Heimdallr was the deity charged to keep a lookout for the coming of Ragnorok, or as some may call it, the end of the world. He is also known to be the whitest of the gods. Big Blue Eyes gave Heimdallr a little bit more responsibility in the new order. “Yeah Ol’ Blue made me an angel or whatever. Something to do at least. I’m the angel in charge of skin pigment deficiencies. It’s not a glorious job or anything but somebody’s got to do it. No it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m super white. I’m white because I god damn choose to be white, asshole. He wouldn’t mock me… no… he wouldn’t…he couldn’t…”

OsirisLastly we caught up with the Egyptian god Osiris, god of death and guardian of the underworld. We found the green skinned god underground in a series of ancient sewers below Paris. “I am the king of rats. I wish to be called Rat King Omega. I control the rats. They are my friends and lovers. Big Blue Fag can’t take that away from me. He can’t control me or my rats! I’m the god of rats, the god of rats I say! I’ll give you one for a Euro. Feind, stop touching my blanket!”

So there you have it, three gods, three unhappy and mistreated souls. Destined to spend all of eternity at fast food chains, or swimming with the dregs of the earth. Perhaps if the human race began to care more about these forgotten gods, they would regain some of their power, and maybe be a little happier. They can only hope.

Until next time,

Maxim

The “Tea” Party

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I Heart TeaRecently, something called the “tea party” has gained popularity throughout the United States. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some dealings with the so called “tea” party and I have to say, they are a bunch of dirty liars. As a fellow tea lover myself, I graciously invited my local tea enthusiasts to my humble abode for a tea enthusiast get together. I was very excited. I painstakingly prepared a tea party that would impress even the most seasoned tea drinker; Tiny bite sized sandwiches, scones, biscuits, sweet tarts, crackers, and of course many different varieties of tea. I even drove all the way to the the fancy supermarket in Doylestown to get some extra special flavors.

When the faithful day finally came, however, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. What an ignorant, stupid, and loud bunch of people. They put shame the namesake that they have so clumsely taken for their own. They are ruining my way of life. They are ruining everything! Why can’t they just change their name to something else? They don’t have tea parties! It doesn’t make any sense! What they call a tea party is just gathering at some place yelling and screaming about some guy named O-bam-a. Who the hell is O-bam-a!? Alabama? Is O-bam-acare some sort of medicinal tea that they all don’t like? I think NOT. They had no interest in my tea and sandwiches. They even had the audacity, after I specifically mentioned on my invitation to “dress for the wonderful occasion” to come in party costumes. I meant button downs and slacks, not 1776 Boston sailor univforms! Perverts! I’ve made a formal complaint to the Tea Association of the United States to let everyone know about these mad men. I hope they are brought to justice soon.

Signing off quite angrily,

Maxim

The Tea Party

Sleepy Saturdays: One Sock Mystery

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Hello, and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays. Having spent a lot of time by myself in my life, I think I am able to loook at myself and observe any possible quirks I may have better than someone who is not myself. That being said I think I have found one that merits some attention.

At home, I find I often only wear one sock.

One Sock Yes

I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know when it started. Most times I don’t even know how I got down to only one sock, as if I enter some sort of mental black hole. All I know is that it happens and its slightly weird.

Have any of you heard of anything like this? I would certainly like an explanaition as to someone would only wear one sock, as I do not know myself. Confused!

Thoughts?

Reading Rainbow Flash Mob: My Ideas

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Reading RainbowRumor has it that LeVar Burton and some unnamed organization are planning to do a Reading Rainbow themed flash mob . This is possibly the best idea ever imagined. What isn’t available, and I think everyone in their right mind wants to know, are the details of what, when, and where this thing is going down! I’m thinking that they don’t quite know exactly what they want to do yet. Of course they want it to be frickin’ awesome, but maybe the talent and ideas around LeVar are lacking. Well, if they want a great idea look no further than your trusty blogger, Maxim. I have come up with a genius Reading Rainbow flash mob idea that is surely the best ever conceived. It is kind of complicated though, so I split it up into several parts for easy understanding. In addition this plan may need police and fire department cooperation in order for everyone not to get arrested. I guess you could say it’s a bit dangerous.

Part 1: The Book Burning
Book burning
The first part of my incredible flash mob is to stage a very large Nuremberg style book burning, led by a bunch of actors who happen to resemble neo-nazis. Everyone participating in this book burning will be part of the show. The mob shouldn’t be burning just any sort of books, they should all be burning children’s books. The neo-nazi actors will spur hate speech and angry anti-children book rhetoric, specifically targeting the lies that those kinds of books teach children. For example, something like how the book “Sunny With A Chance of Meatballs” lies to children about weather patterns, and consequently destroys our competitiveness in the sciences worldwide. Obviously, the bigger mob the mob, the bigger the fire and attention it will receive, so we want it to be big. I would recommend everyone bring at least 3-4 books to burn.

Part 2: The Pleading Onlooker
Think of the children
A woman will run on stage, grab the mic from the neo-nazi lookalikes and plead with the audience to stop what they are doing, and of course to think of the children. The grumpy neo-nazis will stage a struggle with the woman for the mic. They grab her, but before they can to take the mic out of her hands she screams one more thing: “HELP, HELP! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” That’s his cue.

Part 3: The Entrance

Suddenly, from large hidden speakers cleverly placed around the area, a sexy heavenly voice from above, LeVar, will say: “Did somebody say…children?” This begins the reading rainbow song. Well, not the actual song, you know, the part with the fluttering butterfly, and the nameless instrument sound thingy? The crowd will quiet and stop throwing their books. Enter the dashing LeVar Burton onto the scene. He will be riding on top of a parade float that looks like a giant rainbow with hundred of suspended books floating like butterflies. LeVar jumps off the float, backflips onto the stage, does another flip, high kicks the neo-nazi actors (who also happen to be stuntmen) and throws them into the fire, burning them alive. LeVar stands there for a while, looking like a complete badass in front of silenced crowd. He picks up the microphone from off the floor. “Don’t. Burn. Books” he says. A members from the mob scream, “Why”? He replies, “I’ll tell you why”.
High-Kick
Part 4: The Song and Dance

LeVar erupts into song, “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high…”. A lone man from the book burning mob sings “Take a look”, another woman sings “It’s in a book” and then crowd erupts into chorus “Reading Rainbow!”. After that LeVar keeps singing and the dancing begins. I was thinking that everyone be would be part of a pre-arranged color coded rainbow team wearing pre-arranged clothing of that color. That way they could make all sorts of cool rainbow formations. I’ll leave all that to an awesome choreographer, not my specialty.

So there you have it! Truly amazing isn’t it? And nothing like this has even been done before, I can assure you. So LeVar, if you were to ever do this, it would immortalize you as the god of flash mobbing and high kicking forever, guaranteed. Just letting you know.

Hope it happens!

-Maxim

P.S. Fun fact- I was actually on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was a kid, and got a chance to meet LeVar. Well, not really meet… but I did get his autograph! It was an episode on carousels, and they used the carousel around my house for the opening and ending sequence. At the end, he does his signature “See ya next time” all of us ran into the carousel and for the ending credits we’re all riding it. I got to sit one horse away from Levar. I got two or three closeups, too! Best moment of my life?