Tatooine Found?

Binary Star SystemWe got some exciting stuff for you today! This story caught my attention a couple of days ago and I feel it is my duty to inform the public. The Kepler telescope, a telescope designed for searching for extra-solar planets, has discovered a planet orbiting two suns. The planet is thought to be an uninhabited gas giant.

Scientists are hailing this as a breakthrough discovery since it is the first planet found to orbit a binary star system. Though I think they’re missing something even more important… some have suggested, and I think rightfully, that this planet is probably the famous planet from the Star Wars universe, Tatooine. You remember, Luke Skywalker’s home? The one with all the desert and the two suns? Yeah, you remember. Think about it, many of you know that the whole Star Wars saga takes place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”. right? Okay. Most of you also know that when we observe a far away object from earth, we are observing the object as it appeared in the past, depending on how many light years it is away from us. So why shouldn’t it be Tatooine? It fits the bill! Well, I’ve done my own calculations, and I’m pretty sure that we can pinpoint, based on the distance of the system, and the exact time I have figured to be “a long, long time ago” to be, that we are looking at the Tatooine shortly after the events of Return of the Jedi. Don’t question my calculations! Anyway, pretty cool, right?

However, this discovery is also quite troubling. Since Tatooine appears like it is no longer inhabitable, I think we can safely say that Tatooine has been assaulted by some sort of incredibly destructive force not yet known even by the great sage George Lucas. Something maybe even more powerful than Darth Vader… but not the Death Star…the Death Star would destroy the planet, right? Anyway, since we have been dependent on the famous historian Lucas for all information on that part of the universe so far, and there has been no word from his camp on this matter, it may just go to show that perhaps he just doesn’t know. Maybe there are no records from this galaxy after Return of the Jedi. Maybe whatever happened to Tatooine has affected the whole Star Wars universe. Maybe there is nothing left.

I urge NASA to refocus the Kepler telescope on this area and see if we can discover more planets from the Star Wars universe. We must find out the fate of our friends. If not to help them, but to at least make another movie.

Luke Skywalker, Tatooine

Making new discoveries every day,


Experiment on Cats

Glow in the dark catFor those of you living under a rock, perhaps one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the 21st century was reported the other day. Scientists injected genes from several different animals into a feline egg. The boring part is that some of the injected genes come from AIDS resistant monkeys, with the intention that perhaps these genes would help fight off AIDS in the cats…whatever, not important. The interesting part is that they also injected genes from a certain type of awesome jellyfish. This very special type of jellyfish glow when ultraviolet light is shined on them. Again, they put these genes into the cats. So… glowy jellyfish genes + cats = glowing green cats? A joke? No, it’s serious. The experiments so far have been quite successful, the cats fucking glow. There are real pictures out there of glowing green kitties. And it doesn’t stop there; scientists are planning to continue the research in the effectiveness of these genes on the cats in the future. So we are experimenting on cats. And it totally rocks. Until now I could safely say that experimenting on animals was wrong. What good can out of testing shampoo on a monkey? But this? It changes everything. Imagine the possibilities. Glowing humans. Glowing penis. Real light sabers. What we need now is more cat experimentation.

I can see why a large percent of the population may not want to do this for cuteness reasons, but come on… haven’t any of you seen Cats vs. Dogs? Cats are evil. I feel like I am one of the few people in the world who understands this. And now that cats have been found useful to experiment on, I see no problem to let them regain their honor by voluntarily giving themselves in for the goodness of all mankind. What harm did a little glowy action ever do to anyone? I implore everyone in possession of a cat to turn it in to your local authorities so we can begin the experimentation as soon as possible, for the good of the world.

Now that we’ve established that experimenting on cats is ok, and you’re saving mankind by giving up your cats, we must look for ways to move the research forward. Glowing cats are incredible, but we must branch out from just glow, to other amazing potential augmentations. The question is, what should we do next? Should we go for multiple limbs, or laser eyes implants? The possibilities are endless. Love to hear your ideas.

We are entering a new age, ushered in by our scientific prowess, and cats. These are very exciting times. Let’s not keep the human race in the dark ages, the age with no glowing cats and humans. We can move out of the dark, and into the light! Experiment on more cats! Let’s do it!

Glowing Cat 2

No Science or Religion? What Would You Think?

Our worldview is based on many things. And you can count on the fact that either science or religion has messed with your head and influenced your ideas about stuff. For example, most people know that the earth revolves around the sun, and that the sun is a giant nuclear fusion machine composed of hydrogen and helium burning at millions of degrees. You learned that once in school, right? Okay, maybe you didn’t, stupid, but even without science we would have religion. Everyone would be taught that the earth is the center of the universe, and the sun is some god, or a big lamp created by god, or something about the gods, and god god god, whatever! There’s no way out! You either have one or the other!

So imagine a world without science or religion, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, on some land mass, with a bunch of animals, and all you have is your imagination. What would you think everything was? I mean, the human mind comes up with reasons to explain everything, even if they’re completely false. What would you think the stars were? The sun? The moon? Mountains? Lighting? I took a shot at it.

Here’s my ignorant self trying to explain some stuff to so called “enlightened” persons:

Sun Tarot

The thing that lights my day. The thing that warms me. The thing that hurts my eyes when I look at it. The thing that allows me to kill ants with my magnifying glass. I’m referring to the giant bright thing in the sky, that is Raktooku. Yeah, that’s where my ancestors come from. It’s like an island or something. But some evil ancient monkeys started a forest fire on it like a billion years. As you can see, it hasn’t stopped burning. We all had to escape to this green place, which I now call my home. Ever since I figured that out, I kill monkeys whenever I see them and burn them in fire.

Moon Tarot Card

So you remember those evil monkeys I was talking about? Yeah, they live on that other big ball in the sky; the bright silver one. That place is called Shaloopa. Shaloopa sucks big time. That place used to be pretty cool and green like my house, but the monkeys are just so stupid and evil that they ate all their trees, burned all their houses, and drank all their water. They left nothing behind. That’s why they keep coming down into my house, trying to start stuff. I’m just like, I’m so gonna burn you up.

Those sparkly things? Oh, I love them! I look at them a lot when Raktookoo floats away. Sometimes those stupid flammable monkeys get in the way on Shaloopa, but I just make it disappear with my thumb magic. You don’t know thumb magic? Yeah, I can take my short stubby finger and cover all of Shaloopa. Disappears just like that! Pretty awesome, right? Back to twinkly sparklies. That’s an easy one. One day it was raining and I had to go into a cave. I started a fire, and all the rocks around starting shining! I guess you could say it was my “Ah, hah” moment. So yes, my house, Raktookoo, and Shaloopa are in a big shiny rock cave. I am afraid, however, that if I don’t kill and burn enough monkeys, they will break our great cave and we’ll all be destroyed. That reminds me, I should go kill some more monkeys.

Okay, so I turned into a pyro monkey killer. Hey, it could happen to you! What would you turn into with your mind a blank blob? Think about it. You may surprise yourself. Damn monkeys…
Fire breathing gorilla