Stalker Girlfriend: The Break-up

(This is actually kind of based on a true story believe it or not)
Pam (Maxim)
Stalker Girlfriend

A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I am completely devastated. We met in college and I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. Now that he’s gone I don’t know what to do with myself. Having lived with him for three of the five years we were together, living alone sounds like an unnatural and lonely concept, and one that I am dreading. My friends have told me to move on, but how can I after so many things remind me of him?

For example:

I went to Best Buy the other day to get some conciliatory DVDs to cry over. It just so happened that the DVD section was right next to where the X-Box’s were. When I saw them, it took all I had to stop from crying. My boyfriend loved X-Box. Although he would play for hours straight when he got home, he always thought of me first. He would even stop playing to watch CSI: Miami with me once a week. It was so comforting to hear the sounds of gunshots echoing throughout our apartment. Now I can’t sleep at night without the sweet sound of screams and laser beams. I’ve been forced to buy a copy of Starship Troopers and put it on repeat in my room just to cope.
Breaking up
Another thing he loved was tobacco. Yeah he liked to smoke cigarettes, but that was smelly. I got him to switch to special tobacco; I got him to switch to dipping tobacco. You know, the stuff you put under your lower lip. It was so considerate of him! I hate smokers, so he switched to dip just for me. Now instead of smoke to deal with, all I had to do was clean our rug from all the stains he caused when he spit out his dip on it. God… now that I don’t have to clean tobacco up all the time, what am I going to do with myself?

Lastly it’s the sex. I’m a small girl, but my boyfriend had plenty enough to compensate for that. I loved being crushed by his massive stature, the delicate dance between pain and pleasure. I felt like my bone structure actually molded just to accommodate him. Oh it was wonderful. How can I be with another? Nothing would fit right…

What should I do? I moved all the way from Arizona to live with him and be close to his family. I saw his mother the other day at the supermarket. All I could do was hide! I can’t just drop everything and leave this place and… I want to be near him. Even if I’m just looking at him and his family from afar. At least I know where they go shopping.

Am I crazy? Help me!



The Great Heist

Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
The Heist

America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.

Until next time,


P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?

America is Under Attack… And I Know Who’s Doing It

Welcome to part 3 of my vacation series! Have you been keeping up all week? I’m sure you have! Many of you know that last month I returned to my home sweet home in the beautiful United States, but what you probably didn’t know is that I also invited the girl who likes to call me her boyfriend. She happens to be Japanese and it was her first time out of Japan. How exciting, right? No, I was naive.

Everything seemed to be normal. We were havin a great time seeing the sights, driving around, shopping, and taking cute pictures with way to many peace signs.  But I soon realized that soon after we would leave an area, some strange sort of destruction would occur there. This kept happening over and over again, and I had begun to grow very suspicious. Listen to this…

For the first couple of days we drove up to see Niagara Falls. It was a beautiful place. Yet the next day, for the first time in decades, a Japanese college student fell fell into the river over the falls and to her death. They haven’t found the body. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she told me that people slip and fall on wet rocks all the time, this just happened to be on the side of a large waterfall. Curious.

Next. We spent the rest of our trip in New York. We had a great time. Until finally it was time to go home. We take off in an airplane, back to Japan. I returned home and soon after, the east coast has its first major earthquake in 50 years. I mentioned this to her as well. She told me that the east coast was due for a large earthquake, and it’s nothing to be scared of. “In Japan, we have earthquakes everyday, pussy!”, she boasted. Very curious.

And finally yesterday, yet again another huge natural disaster is on its way up the east coast. A once in a century, category 4 hurricane, which promises to be one of the most damaging and expensive hurricanes ever, and we just happened to leave just a couple of days ago, again. Coincidence? I think not. I was under the impression my girlfriend was a Japanese spy tasked with the destruction of America. Evil bitch.
Japanese Spy

Under the guise as her loving girlfriend, I entered her parents house (aka Ninja central) yesterday evening. I was looking for evidence of the terrible things she may have done, hoping not to find what I sought. What I found was worse than I could of possibly imagined.

The Japanese girl who fell in Niagara? A defecter who took asylum in the states years ago, feeding the US with information on the the movements of other covert ninja operatives in North America. My girlfriend made short work of her, though. Attaching a small slip gel dispensor on the womans shoes covertly, she patiently waited until the girl was taking photos next to the falls. Using a remote device, she dispensed the super secret Japanese engineered gel. The rest is history. She won’t be causing my girlfriend any trouble anymore.

How about our trip around New York and the surrounding area? Reconnaissance. We drove for countless hours in the countryside. Now that I think about it she was always holding this device which looked deceivingly like a cell phone. In actually, it was a geological surveryor, which could detect weaknesses in faultlines. After our departure from the states, the Japanese governement used the information she gathered for their secret underground plate shifting resinating wave. The resulting earthquake caused destruction to some of our most beloved monuments.

And the most recent and dangerous blow, in motion as we speak: My girlfriend had mentioned several times over the course of the trip that she was a “rain woman”, a cursed soul who causes rain to fall whenever they are walking around. It did rain a lot while we were there, but I just played it off as bad luck. Little did I know the Japanese government had actually developed a weather changing device. My girlfriends third and most calculating task was was to test this device for their master plan… creating and setting loose a massive hurricane to destroy the most populated city centers in the US. The category 4 hurricane is on its way as we speak.

How had I been so naive? My girlfriend had been using me all along. I was a tool in the an attack on my homeland, the likes which had never been seen since 1945. She brought us Pearl Harbor 2. How could I ever forgive myself?

Who knows what other diabolical schemes she and the ninjas have up their sleeve…

So, yeah, my girlfriends a spy, a fucking ninja. Hot!

Women Have Been Lying to Men for Thousands of Years

You know the old saying, “Giving birth is like squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon”. That’s what women use to describe that gross process to stupid men like me. But I’ve recently discovered evidence that this whole idea of a so called “painful childbirth”, is just a big rouse thousands of years in the making. Yes, a rouse just to give women an edge during fights with us guys. It’s the end all to any challenge of their power! What can we say back to “we give childbirth”? How about, “Well when we pass kidney stones, it hurts like hell, too”. Nah, that won’t work. We had nothing, until now.

The secret has been revealed, gentlemen. Giving birth to a child is actually an incredibly pleasurable experience. In fact, it gives many women orgasms. How can that be, you ask? Let’s hear what Dr. Christiane Northrup, an OBGYN and author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”, has to say about it: “When the babies coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.” WHAT THE HELL!? You’re telling me that not only are women getting orgasms from giving birth, but the tool of that orgasm is their own baby going out of their vagina. Just think about that for a second.

First, why didn’t we realize this before, and second, GROSS! Women have made a grave mistake letting this secret slip out. No longer will women have the upper hand. No longer will we bow down and sit idly by while the control the earth. We know the truth. They’re just a bunch of goddamned baby perverts. Gross, gross, gross.

For more information about orgasms during childbirth, watch this.

My Path to Cultdom

A couple of posts ago I talked about some of the crazy Buddhist cults we have all around the world. And yes, I announced that I had in fact been a part of one. Today, I’ll try and tell my story and a little bit about the group. All these events happened about a year ago.

Fujitaisekiji Kenshokai, members in the millions

It was late spring of 2010. My second year on the job teaching. My main concern at the time? Women. Oh, yes, I was obsessed. I could not find a loving companion to rock the casaba with. My life was not complete. Of course I had women I was interested in, the problem was they weren’t interested in me. To this day I still don’t know why, cause I’m totally awesome. Anyway, a few months prior, the school got a new cute female teacher! She was nice, energetic, and young! Oh yes, I had the eyes for this voluptuous pussycat. But, being that were in a work environment, I couldn’t really do anything about it. But one day out of the blue she actually asked me out! It was completely random! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. My first break in months. Ever since this job had started, I had seriously the worst luck with women ever, and now I was finally getting asked out by a girl. Not only a regular girl, but a girl who wasn’t afraid to take the initiative. Frickin sexy, and super rare in Japan.

They day of the big date came! She decides to come by car and picks me up. We go to a cafe in a place only accessible by car (this will come into play later). So we start a talkin’! We were talking for about five minutes before I realized that we didn’t really have anything in common, and being with her was a drag. Still wanted to get into bed with her though so I was riding it out like a trooper. That’s when she dropped the first bombshell. She had a boyfriend. Now, okay, I shouldn’t have been too upset. But really, my heart was aching. And not the kind of aching you get when you’re heartbroken. This aching was full of “What the fuck!?” and “Why am I here!?”. This is also where she makes her second and most sneaky move. She tells me that actually, she invited me out for a reason. A reason? She takes out a book and asks me what I feel about buddhism. Crap! By this point I’m already far into her trap. She then spends the next hour taking to me about buddhism, this guy named Nichiren (a Japanese buddhist prophet), and this special group that she’s part of. Here were the main selling points:

-All young people!
-You look damn good when you die!
-You will get everything you want in life!
-No bad things will ever happen to you!
-Doomsday philosophy!

The literature she showed me. It's entitled "A Japan that goes against the great sage Nichiren is doomed".

I’m quite stunned at this point. Was this actually happening to me? I couldn’t do much other than nod. All I could do was wait for the inevitable question. And when that question came all I could do was nod my head and say “Ok, I’ll try it”. Now you’re probably asking yourself why I even said yes. It’s a hard question to answer. Well not really. One, I have a hard time saying no to anything, and two, I had just realized why she had brought me to this cafe only accessible by car… crap.

Have you ever imagined what it’s like in a cult center? I feel like I had some idea from watching TV and movies my entire life, but when I was actually brought to one , I realized that it was worse than I could possible imagine. When I walked into the place it was a sensory overload. First thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled like a dank hospital. Like your dying grandma in a hospice. Not pleasant. Second, the sounds. The muffled sounds of someone yelling from a TV, applause, and crying babies. Yeah, crying babies. And third, the sights. It was a very small, darkly lit room, with people sitting around in fetal position. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable.

My hot recruiter shuffles me into another room (the previous room was more like a hallway). I was surprised to see about 60 people stuffed into a space the size of a bedroom, watching a recording of speeches made at what seemed to be a large gathering of the cult. The room was packed, but I managed to find a little bit of space to sit down. I felt like I was being watched at all times, I literally kept looking behind me just in case someone was getting ready to stab me. What can I say, it was my first time at a cult center! One strange thing I noticed was the way they clapped at the television. We were definitely watching a DVD, yet everyone in the room felt the need to clap at the end of everyones speeches like they were actually there. Yes, I clapped along as well to avoid getting stabbed. Finally, when Mr. Supreme Leader Asai Sensei got up to speak, everyone sat up and looked very attentive. He spoke about how Japan was going to be invaded by China, and how a big earthquake was coming. After all that, everyone in Japan would finally realize that this cult was the way to go. Pretty standard if you ask me. The end of the speech brought thunderous applause (still a recording, by the way).

After the speeches were done, they turned on the lights, and people started trickling out. It was now time for my initiation ceremony. After a small fee of about 6 bucks, I was given my prayer beads and prayer book. We chanted for about 20 minutes and that was it! I was officially a cultist! The woman who preformed the ceremony asked me after why I had decided to join them, I couldn’t say a thing. It was also explained to me that every time you chant (you’re supposed to twice a day), you must face towards Mt. Fuji. Islam needs to file for some copyright infringement on this shit. It was a long day, and my recruiter finally let me go home and reflect on what I had just done.

After a great deal of soul searching, I told my recruiter I was through after about a week. It took about a month to actually get her to stop trying to convince me otherwise. She even called in backup in the form of another cultist from a city about 500 miles away to try and stop me from quitting. Thinking about it, I’m lucky I got out at all.

Moral of the story, beware of hot chicks who ask you out out of the blue, they’re actually cult recruiters.