You know the old saying, “Giving birth is like squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon”. That’s what women use to describe that gross process to stupid men like me. But I’ve recently discovered evidence that this whole idea of a so called “painful childbirth”, is just a big rouse thousands of years in the making. Yes, a rouse just to give women an edge during fights with us guys. It’s the end all to any challenge of their power! What can we say back to “we give childbirth”? How about, “Well when we pass kidney stones, it hurts like hell, too”. Nah, that won’t work. We had nothing, until now.

The secret has been revealed, gentlemen. Giving birth to a child is actually an incredibly pleasurable experience. In fact, it gives many women orgasms. How can that be, you ask? Let’s hear what Dr. Christiane Northrup, an OBGYN and author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”, has to say about it: “When the babies coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.” WHAT THE HELL!? You’re telling me that not only are women getting orgasms from giving birth, but the tool of that orgasm is their own baby going out of their vagina. Just think about that for a second.

First, why didn’t we realize this before, and second, GROSS! Women have made a grave mistake letting this secret slip out. No longer will women have the upper hand. No longer will we bow down and sit idly by while the control the earth. We know the truth. They’re just a bunch of goddamned baby perverts. Gross, gross, gross.

For more information about orgasms during childbirth, watch this.