Okay, Okay, I’m Fat…Thanks Guys

Sam is fat.I live in Japan. In Japan it is socially acceptable to tell you straight up if you have gotten fat. The conversation would go something like this:

“Hey, dude. Long time no see!”
“Yeah, for real! Hey, you got so fat!”

No precursor, no buildup, nothing. People will just tell you because it is a completely normal thing to say after they haven’t seen you for a while. So I’ve gotten used to it. I’m not really on the receiving end of it too much, but I occasionally get it from my girlfriend, who just loves to look at the rolls my stomach makes when I’m bend over, and then she rubs them.

Anyway!

I don’t think I have to tell you that this is NOT acceptable behavior in the U.S., or for that matter, most of the English speaking world. You don’t walk up to your friend who gained 5 pounds over the summer to tell them that you can see their love handles now. You don’t even go up to your super fat friend who used to be skinny and tell them they’ve gotten blimp sized and they should chill the fuck out with the food. Hell, People sue their doctors for telling them that they are fat and need to go on a diet or die from diabetes.

So when I went home for a couple of weeks for Christmas, being called a fat ass was the last thing I was expecting. Boy, was I wrong. I get home and one of the first things my mother says to me is, “Aww, you got a little belly don’t’cha!”. Oh, thanks mom. Something was amiss, usually they tell me how great I look. Whatever, I’ll take it, she is my mother after all. She gets some leeway since she loves me and just wants me to be healthy and all that junk. But then my sister says it. Fuck you. And then I meet up with a friend, he says it. Dude! Another friend, she says it. And then another, and another. THey all say it. What ever happened to not being a dick? You know, I was never too concerned with my weight, but going to a place with awesome social blocks placed against straight up calling people fat, and being bombarded with how big my belly got… you got to wonder… have I gotten fat? Am I a lard ball?

Ok, I do have to admit I have gone through a one month period where my body fat was bursting out from under my clothes (I want to delete those photos so bad), but its not THAT bad. It’s just a belly! Even my Japanese friends haven’t said anything… and they love calling people fat! What’s up people?!

Besides all rational thought, however, I have decided to cut down on my eating habits. So basically, fuck you guys. I’m fucking fat now, happy?!

Yes, you are fat.

Have a great day,
Maxim

The Death of a Newborn Shirt

Clean ClothesThe world is full of disgusting and awful things. Turn on the TV for a few seconds and you’ll see what I mean. I live in a relatively safe part of the world. I don’t have to deal with war, and murder. I don’t have to go out on the streets and sell blowjobs to buy crack, because I am so addicted to crack. Don’t gotta decide between killing a baby for a roll of bread. I was lucky to be raised in a middle class family. I don’t have to witness terrible things. I don’t have to decide between to impossibly evil things to survive. I was safe, right? Wrong. I did something terrible the other day… I destroyed something, something beautiful. It was a gift to the world really, a beacon of light just brought into the world. It had its whole life ahead of it. My girlfriend gave it to me as a christmas present. It was a beautiful white undershirt. It’s dead now, thanks to me… and all I could do is laugh hysterically as my girlfriend kicked me.

Lack of sleep can do amazing things to the body. I hadn’t really figured this out until recently, when I had come back from my parents house in the states to Japan. My lovely girlfriend picked me up at the airport and elected to keep me awake until a decent sleeping hour so I could get over jet lag a little easier. Oh, how nice of her! When we got to my place we exchanged Christmas gifts since I had been away for a while. She got me exactly what I wanted, two very white, beautiful, fresh undershirts to replace the two I had been wearing every day for six months without washing. She wanted me to take off that shirt, I also noticed the smell and was willing to part with it…our dating world was in alignment. I tried it on immediately for my fruitful and hopefully very long relationship with this white wonder. Fit perfectly, smelled great, all was right.

It was getting later in the evening, and it was getting time for dinner. Just before this my girlfriend had woke my desperate for sleep body up from an ill-advised nap that left me in a battle between the dream world and reality. Basically, I was a mess. My girlfriend, being the sweet Japanese spy that she is, sees how deliriously tired I am and says she will go out and pick up some food for us. Hurray! Not only did she do that, she also buys us ice cream! Double hurray!

I scarf down the delicious convenience store food and soon have my eyes on the ice cream bar she had bought me. Boy, did it look good. A hard chocolate center, covered in chocolate ice cream, covered by a hard candy shell. What more could you ask for? Triple chocolate explosion. I don’t remember anything about the actual eating of the chocolate bar. All I know is that I killed it. In a haze, much like a rabid raccoon, I absorbed the chocolate bar, not taking any care to my surroundings. I was blacked out for approximately one minute and thirty-seven seconds.

I came to. My girlfriend was standing over me in shock. She was looking at something. Not at my face…she was looking lower. Around my chest. I look down. This is what I see.
The Chocolate Stain
Yes, in a tired haze, while unconsciously enjoying delicious ice cream, I also managed to destroyed the beautiful new white undershirt that my girlfriend got me for Christmas. I looked at her, and the shirt, then back and her, and couldn’t stop laughing. Not a normal laugh, but the laugh of an insane sleep-deprived carny.

What a waste of life. That shirt can now never fulfill it’s purpose on this earth because of me. I basically killed a fetus. Don’t hate me. My girlfriend certainly does. At least it smells good.

Here’s to a better future for the world, where these things no longer happen.

-Maxim

We Are Porn People

Most people eventually garner some sort of interest in their parents past、although they aren’t always willing to reveal it willingly. Hell, some people literally have to point a gun to their folk’s heads just to get anything out of them. My dad just happens to be one of those people. It took a good 24 years, but I finally thought I had a general idea of what my dad accomplished in his life. I was satisfied. I didn’t think I had to fish anymore. Little did I know that when I came home for Christmas, I would find out a family secret hidden from us children. Let me be the first to say, it was probably for the better.

If you have read this blog in the past, you may know that I’ve had some interesting sexual experiences in my life. Some completely volunteered, some forced down upon me. Well, it appears that this isn’t just something that I’ve been lucky (unlucky?) enough to experience…this shit runs in the family. We are porn people. A simple bunch, really…but inextricably locked to the world of porn. Why? Listen to this.

So I was wondering aimlessly around my house, mindin’ my own business when I found myself in my parent’s room. My dad, as usual, was relaxing in his chair, simultaneously writing furiously, and switching between watching the oldest movies in existence, and a local horse racing channel. On my parents dresser, I noticed a book. Not a particularly strange sight, as we have a thousand books in places all over the house, but I picked it up and looked at it absent-mindedly anyway.

The book was called ‘Isle of Lust’ by Levi Sanford. On the cover was a woman facing away, hugging a man, and wearing a dress that gave us a very detailed look at her rear end. The tagline was: “With sultry sirens in the sun, every day is SIN-day”. This book was old too, the pages had turned that ting of orange like all books over 30 years old did. The price was proudly displayed right next to the title, 60 cents. “What is this shit?” I wondered, knowing that this wasn’t exactly the kind of books my parents read. “Hey, Dad? What is this smut book doing on your dresser?” I asked. “Oh, yeah…I wrote that.” He responded, quite nonchalantly. “You wrote it? But who’s Levi Sanford?” I asked. “Yeah, that’s my pen name; I had a lot of back then. Wrote a bunch of soft-core smut novels.” An intense feeling of joy filled up my heart. All I could think after that was, “I am so reading this”.

After some pushing, I find out that my dad, looking for work writing after college, did freelance for this smut publishing firm. He could write anything he wanted with one condition, there had to have a sex scene every ten pages. Only ten!? Don’t worry, my dad assured me there was no penetration.

So how did my dad do? Here’s one of the many gems from Isle of Lust by Levi Sanford:

A cold shiver of dread and excitement swept over him and he found her lips.  They were soft and wet and half-parted allowing his darting tongue to enter.  Their teeth clicked as the soft crushing kiss turned into a thousand tiny bites till her could taste the sweetness of blood. Her body writhed in sensuous rhythm as she guided his hand to secret, sensitive spots, urging him to probe and dig, uttering short commands.

He could see her lips moving as though she were praying, but it wasn’t prayers that he heard. She was mouthing all sorts of foul obscenities as his hands and his body twisted and pressed her soft flesh.

I don’t know about you, but I already have a boner.

Oh, so you think Isle of Lust looks great? Check out some of these other titles by none other than my old man.

The Moonlighters by Gil Herbert: The shocking story of a small factory town that gave birth to a call-girl ring made up of the wives of the night-shift workers!!!

Ginny by Gil Herbert: An office girl with intentions…intentions less than honorable!

The Sin Travelers by Don Holliday: They wanted kicks… and they didn’t care how they got them!

If you want to get your hands on some of these vintage classics, head over to this great website, vintagesleaze.com, for all of your vintage sleaze needs! Yes, this is a real site, and yes, there are people who collect and sell this shit to people who think today’s smut isn’t enough… they need the granny smut.

So yes, it’s no wonder that my life has been lined with all the naughty and gross things in the world. It is in my DNA. We are porn people and I won’t deny it any longer! Why don’t you try asking your parents about their past? You may find out you’re a porn person too!

Have a great one!

Sincerely,

-Maxim

Re-Virginize Your Hands

The Fountain of YouthI’m going to try and make this next blog post sound the least like an advertisement as I can, but it’s going to be incredibly hard. I have found something incredible. It makes me feel young, as young as a baby fresh out of the womb. It makes me want to touch myself. Not just touch, stroke, caress. It gives me pleasure. It make me happy. No, it’s not masturbation. Though equally amazing, I found out about that years ago. No, I am talking about Sabon hand scrub.

On my last trip to America, I had was drinking some beers and smoking from a pipe, when a mystical Greek woman told me about a soap company from Israel. People would come from all over the world would come to New York and seek out this place. She explained that in every store, they had a magical fountain activated by stepping on a weight activated plate, kind of like that temple in Indiana Jones. You would then try out different scrubs creams from far off and wondrous lands, giving you the power of amazing skin for all time. Well, needless to say, I was intrigued. I went out as soon as possible in search of this mystic store. I found it, just where the Greek said it would be. I went in. There was a magical fountain, again just like she said. The woman in the store asked me if I would like to try it out. “Oh, yes”, I replied. When I put my hands into the fountain, my life changed forever.

Why?
Sabon Hand Scrub
Well, do you want your skin to feel like a babies butt? How about your entire body? I can’t think of anyone who would say no to that question. Well, that’s what this cream/salt weird concoction does to your skin. You scoop up a big pink blob with a nice wooden spoon, rub your hands with it for a minute, and just like that your hands feel like they’ve been re-inserted into a woman’s uterus, cooked for 9 months and birthed out again anew. It is incredible.
Baby hands
I urge you guys to re-virginize your dirty hands and go out to buy/steal this stuff immediately. It really does make masturbating so much nicer.

-Maxim

Happy Hallo-ween!

The long awaited adult Halloween has come and gone. I say “adult” Halloween because we all know we aren’t waiting to go around and collect candy. We’re waiting to dress up like a complete asshole, get butt rocked wasted and pick up some girl dressed up as a slutty little red riding hood. Today was the real thing! Not nearly as exciting.

Thought I should show you all what I was this year. It was pretty much the epitome of awesome. Wish I could rock it for all of time.
Halloween Costume 2011
Yeah, that’s me on the left. I’d say it was one of my best of all time. Why don’t we compare it to some of me other recent costumes from Halloweens past…
Didn’t do Halloween last year for some dumb reason but lets warp back to 2009!
Halloween Costume 2009
I was a sexy slightly homosexual football player! Rockin right? You can clearly see the eyeshadow around my sexy ass eyes.
Warp back to 2008!
Halloween Costume 2008
I was some sort of shitty Koala. Not too proud of this one. Especially since I paid just about a dollar for whatever that is I was wearing on my head.
And finally, to 2007!
Halloween Costume 2007
Great, right? Costume 100% bought at wall-mart, where it was super easy to get size 60 waste pants and suspenders.

So that’s my last couple of Halloweens. Still think that this year topped them all for sexiness.

Anyway, hope you all have a great Halloween!

-Maxim

P.S.
Yeah, about the title. I celebrated Halloween with my students. In all the classes I would set up some Halloween decorations and write in big letters “Happy Halloween!” on the blackboard. Anyway, when the partying (if you could call it that) was over and we were cleaning up, one of the kids erased Happy and ween and goes “Hey, Max, look! Hallo!!! I thought it was hilarious.

The Monster in St. Louis

St. Louis SkylineThere is something on the loose in St. Louis. Something terrible, something monstrous. The people of the city are blissfully ignorant of what lives among them. I’ve told the story I am about to tell you to many of my friends, and none of them believe me, but I know what I saw. It is real, I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes. And I remember it vividly to this day.

When I was in middle school, my mom and I would often drive down to St. Louis to visit my grandma. I loved going because it was an incredibly long drive (about 1000 miles), and the time we spent in St. Louis got me out of school for weeks at a time. The way I remember it, St. Louis was a nice town. It had the gateway arch. The St. Louis Cardinals at famous Busch Stadium. It introduced me to American shopping malls as big as whole cities. It had this awesomely delicious chain called Steak and Shake, and this awesome frozen custard place called Ted Drewes. It had frickin’ IHOP (We don’t have those in NY)! They also got tornadoes. I love tornadoes! One day there was a tornado watch and it was so exciting, oh my god! St. Louis basically had everything I could ever want.

Except this…
Ahh! Real Monsters!
One day we were in the car riding down a normal residential street on a beautiful day. All the houses had nice front yards with nicely trimmed grass, trees everywhere. The quintessential American street. I was in the back of the car looking out the window; that’s when I saw it. There was a group of three or four people standing on a lawn. They were gathered around something. At first I couldn’t make out what it was… the shape too unnatural to be real. Maybe I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I rubbed my eyes in hopes that it would go away, but no, it was real. It was a person, if you could call it that. More beast than man really. So, what was so monstrous about this thing? Well, it was a guy showing off his massive two foot long erect penis.

This thing was gargantuan. I cannot stress this enough. How a person could survive with such a large penis plagues me to this day. There is was no doubt in my mind that it was a penis. I have to admit, I was in a moving vehicle, and this guy was about 20 feet away from me. Many of my friends say it could have been anything, a broom, or a bottle. But that can’t be true. Now although I was only eleven or twelve, I knew what an erect penis looked like, probably more than the average eleven or twelve year old. It wasn’t just straight like a stick, it was curved slightly upwards, like a dick! Totally different. And this guy wasn’t just standing still with his penis. He was showing it off in super pose style, with his hands moving around it in a way that seemed to be giving it power.

As soon as I saw it, it was gone. We drove away. I never told my mom. She was in the car but I didn’t tell her. What was I supposed to say? “Hey Mom, there’s a monster penis over there!” Totally unnecessary. Well, she knows now anyway.

So what do you think? Real, or did I see something that wasn’t there? All I know is it’s something I will never forget.

This is fake, but it was kind of like this.

Good day, and good penis.

-Maxim

The Barkeep with the Javilin Tongue

Cow TongueDo you remember when you first turned 21? That year may not have any special meaning for some of you, but in the states, it’s just about the most special birthday you’ve got. It is the day you are legally allowed to purchase alcohol. I remember this important time of my life very well. Well actually, I don’t remember it well at all. I was fucking wasted for most of it. But I do remember one specific incident. This incident was so shocking, so traumatizing, that it shot me out of my drunken stupor and made my brain remember. Oh crap, thinking about, this actually happened when I was 22, but shit man, I still wasn’t over turning 21! That bit is totally relevant!

Anyway, It was the summer of 2009, fresh out of college and not caring about anything future related, except absolutely fuck-tard wasted tonight and every night. I was out with my friend on a random weekday. We were drinking margaritas when my friend had the brilliant idea of going to the local dive bar. I hated that bar, but being pretty wasted already off of cheap Mexican tequila, I agreed happily. When we got to the bar it was pretty dead, but you know, it was a dive bar, and it was some random ass weekday. Couldn’t really blame the shithole. My friend was friends with everyone who had ever entered this bar, including the bartender, so we sat at the bar and started talking to her.

Let me describe this bartender to you for a moment. She wasn’t a thin woman. No, actually she was pretty large. She was also in her 50’s and married. Oh, and dreadfully ugly.

Continuing on, my friend was off playing pool or something and I was left with barkeep. She had made up some amazing concoction she labeled simply “the shit” and she was offering them for free, since she was pretty drunk herself of the incredibly alcoholic monstrosities.

So we were talking, and she was telling me about her kids, and about her long life… and she was listening to me, a recent college graduate blabbering on about being young and stupid. Her eyes grow larger after each passing minute.At the time I didn’t know what this meant, probably because she was jealous of my youth. But seriously, I was too drunk to possibly be making any sense to her, what could she of possibly found so interesting? Well, I soon found out.

How what I am about to say came to be I cannot say, but before I knew it this bartenders tongue was in my mouth. Now let me make this clear, I was not fighting this. Probably because I couldn’t. This tongue she had, guys, it was like a javelin. Rock hard, pointy edged, this thing could pierce armor. She had this in my mouth, exploring, cutting my gums. It was the most incredible and most horrible thing I have ever experienced. She was a fat, married, ugly 50 year old, with a weaponized tongue, and I made out with her.
Female tounges.
Being completely deadbeat wasted, I was pretty pleased with myself right after it ended. My friend even came over to congratulate me. However, the next day the realization of what I did came over me, and a sort of a sick feeling came over my body… like I had been raped. Maybe I had been, maybe I hadn’t, but it definitely wasn’t a fine moment in the life of Maxim.

So anyway, yeah. Nothing else to say. Enjoy that.

-Maxim