Do you remember when you first turned 21? That year may not have any special meaning for some of you, but in the states, it’s just about the most special birthday you’ve got. It is the day you are legally allowed to purchase alcohol. I remember this important time of my life very well. Well actually, I don’t remember it well at all. I was fucking wasted for most of it. But I do remember one specific incident. This incident was so shocking, so traumatizing, that it shot me out of my drunken stupor and made my brain remember. Oh crap, thinking about, this actually happened when I was 22, but shit man, I still wasn’t over turning 21! That bit is totally relevant!

Anyway, It was the summer of 2009, fresh out of college and not caring about anything future related, except absolutely fuck-tard wasted tonight and every night. I was out with my friend on a random weekday. We were drinking margaritas when my friend had the brilliant idea of going to the local dive bar. I hated that bar, but being pretty wasted already off of cheap Mexican tequila, I agreed happily. When we got to the bar it was pretty dead, but you know, it was a dive bar, and it was some random ass weekday. Couldn’t really blame the shithole. My friend was friends with everyone who had ever entered this bar, including the bartender, so we sat at the bar and started talking to her.

Let me describe this bartender to you for a moment. She wasn’t a thin woman. No, actually she was pretty large. She was also in her 50’s and married. Oh, and dreadfully ugly.

Continuing on, my friend was off playing pool or something and I was left with barkeep. She had made up some amazing concoction she labeled simply “the shit” and she was offering them for free, since she was pretty drunk herself of the incredibly alcoholic monstrosities.

So we were talking, and she was telling me about her kids, and about her long life… and she was listening to me, a recent college graduate blabbering on about being young and stupid. Her eyes grow larger after each passing minute.At the time I didn’t know what this meant, probably because she was jealous of my youth. But seriously, I was too drunk to possibly be making any sense to her, what could she of possibly found so interesting? Well, I soon found out.

How what I am about to say came to be I cannot say, but before I knew it this bartenders tongue was in my mouth. Now let me make this clear, I was not fighting this. Probably because I couldn’t. This tongue she had, guys, it was like a javelin. Rock hard, pointy edged, this thing could pierce armor. She had this in my mouth, exploring, cutting my gums. It was the most incredible and most horrible thing I have ever experienced. She was a fat, married, ugly 50 year old, with a weaponized tongue, and I made out with her.

Being completely deadbeat wasted, I was pretty pleased with myself right after it ended. My friend even came over to congratulate me. However, the next day the realization of what I did came over me, and a sort of a sick feeling came over my body… like I had been raped. Maybe I had been, maybe I hadn’t, but it definitely wasn’t a fine moment in the life of Maxim.

So anyway, yeah. Nothing else to say. Enjoy that.

-Maxim