Solar Panels: What Democrats Don’t Want You to Know

President Obama at SolyndraRecently, a company called Solyndra has come under fire by republicans for taking a federal loan and subsequently going out of business, losing American taxpayers millions of dollars. This company was part of the Obama administration’s so called “green initiative”, investing in companies that produce green energy. Republicans want to hold accountable those administration members who loaned in spite of previous knowledge that the company was not doing too well in the first place. In addition to Solyndra’s half a billion dollars, another 3.75 billion dollars went to fund other solar panel manufacturers, the details just being made public recently.

Republicans are fighting a valiant battle against these green solar companies, but not for that bullshit I just mentioned. Everyone knows that 3.75 billion dollars is bubcus. No one gives a shit. Let me give you an inside story you’re not going to hear on any of those main stream media outlets. Republican party officials have come across extremely sensitive information that has planet-wide implications. Because of this new information, the republican leadership has decided to use whatever means necessary to stop the production of solar panels. However, it has also been decided that alerting the public of this extreamly sensitive information could cause massive world destabilization if released. And I don’t blame them, it’s pretty fucked. So, republicans are using whatever means neccisary to stop these things from being made, including bitching about a pocket change. Hey, it’s working right?

Evil Solar PanelsSo what is this information republicans are sitting on that not only caused them to be so anti-solar, but can’t be released to the public? I was able to get my hands on this information with my super spy skills! My girlfriend helped I guess. Well, it’s not that they’ll all be paid millions of dollars in campaign donations from big oil. That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it? It’s actually quite the opposite. Solar panels are going to destroy the planet. Yes, DESTROY the planet. How so? By absorbing the sun. We all know how solar panels work, right? Specially designed panels produce energy by absorbing the suns rays and converting it into power we can use. But did we ever think about what this was doing to the thing producing those rays? Did we actually think the suns energy would last forever, especially if we kept absorbing it for our own selfish uses? Think again. I’ve done some calculations, and at our current pace of sun energy consumption, the sun will be depleted of energy in just under 5 billion years. Simply terrifying.

So why is the current administration so keen on depleting this precious resource? Those bastards have the same information the republicans do. Why don’t they stop this madness? Why pass on the problem to our childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens times a billion childrens, children? Money. It’s always about the money. There’s thousands of dollars to be made for those who support these evil industries. What greed. Well, now we know better Mr. President.

The earth and the sun.

A picture of the earth and the sun from space. The blue spot is the earth. Look how much of the sun its sucking up! We're so fucked.

I call for everyone and their mothers to go out tomorrow and destroy all solar panals! For the good of the planet!


The “Tea” Party

I Heart TeaRecently, something called the “tea party” has gained popularity throughout the United States. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some dealings with the so called “tea” party and I have to say, they are a bunch of dirty liars. As a fellow tea lover myself, I graciously invited my local tea enthusiasts to my humble abode for a tea enthusiast get together. I was very excited. I painstakingly prepared a tea party that would impress even the most seasoned tea drinker; Tiny bite sized sandwiches, scones, biscuits, sweet tarts, crackers, and of course many different varieties of tea. I even drove all the way to the the fancy supermarket in Doylestown to get some extra special flavors.

When the faithful day finally came, however, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. What an ignorant, stupid, and loud bunch of people. They put shame the namesake that they have so clumsely taken for their own. They are ruining my way of life. They are ruining everything! Why can’t they just change their name to something else? They don’t have tea parties! It doesn’t make any sense! What they call a tea party is just gathering at some place yelling and screaming about some guy named O-bam-a. Who the hell is O-bam-a!? Alabama? Is O-bam-acare some sort of medicinal tea that they all don’t like? I think NOT. They had no interest in my tea and sandwiches. They even had the audacity, after I specifically mentioned on my invitation to “dress for the wonderful occasion” to come in party costumes. I meant button downs and slacks, not 1776 Boston sailor univforms! Perverts! I’ve made a formal complaint to the Tea Association of the United States to let everyone know about these mad men. I hope they are brought to justice soon.

Signing off quite angrily,


The Tea Party