Recently, a company called Solyndra has come under fire by republicans for taking a federal loan and subsequently going out of business, losing American taxpayers millions of dollars. This company was part of the Obama administration’s so called “green initiative”, investing in companies that produce green energy. Republicans want to hold accountable those administration members who loaned in spite of previous knowledge that the company was not doing too well in the first place. In addition to Solyndra’s half a billion dollars, another 3.75 billion dollars went to fund other solar panel manufacturers, the details just being made public recently.

Republicans are fighting a valiant battle against these green solar companies, but not for that bullshit I just mentioned. Everyone knows that 3.75 billion dollars is bubcus. No one gives a shit. Let me give you an inside story you’re not going to hear on any of those main stream media outlets. Republican party officials have come across extremely sensitive information that has planet-wide implications. Because of this new information, the republican leadership has decided to use whatever means necessary to stop the production of solar panels. However, it has also been decided that alerting the public of this extreamly sensitive information could cause massive world destabilization if released. And I don’t blame them, it’s pretty fucked. So, republicans are using whatever means neccisary to stop these things from being made, including bitching about a pocket change. Hey, it’s working right?

So what is this information republicans are sitting on that not only caused them to be so anti-solar, but can’t be released to the public? I was able to get my hands on this information with my super spy skills! My girlfriend helped I guess. Well, it’s not that they’ll all be paid millions of dollars in campaign donations from big oil. That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it? It’s actually quite the opposite. Solar panels are going to destroy the planet. Yes, DESTROY the planet. How so? By absorbing the sun. We all know how solar panels work, right? Specially designed panels produce energy by absorbing the suns rays and converting it into power we can use. But did we ever think about what this was doing to the thing producing those rays? Did we actually think the suns energy would last forever, especially if we kept absorbing it for our own selfish uses? Think again. I’ve done some calculations, and at our current pace of sun energy consumption, the sun will be depleted of energy in just under 5 billion years. Simply terrifying.

So why is the current administration so keen on depleting this precious resource? Those bastards have the same information the republicans do. Why don’t they stop this madness? Why pass on the problem to our childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens times a billion childrens, children? Money. It’s always about the money. There’s thousands of dollars to be made for those who support these evil industries. What greed. Well, now we know better Mr. President.

I call for everyone and their mothers to go out tomorrow and destroy all solar panals! For the good of the planet!

-Maxim