Category Archives: Bros

Bro Operation Updates

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Bros AngryYo, a big wassup to all my bros down on the shore and beyond. This is DJ Eddie Q in for DJ Pauly D and DJ Danny J. Just wanna give all you kick-ass brosephs and ladies an update on our ongoing war against the geeked out nerd gang ‘Anonymous’. In case you haven’t been paying attention to Bro channel news updates, Elite Bro Force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X have been at it again. Thanks to their sweaty, muscly, tanned arms and blown out ultra tentacle hair (a recent upgrade thanks to the new Santini Carbon Bibs 2XL AGT fluid hair gel), they skull fucked almost 20 more Anon-cock-nerd Anonymous assholes (How clever is this guy right here?). Congrats guys. Way to continue our dominance over those fucking Anonymous gibronis’.

DJ Pauly DIn other news, our broseph regional leader at the shore, DJ Pauly D, who has been a golden beacon of light for us bros in the ultra bromance movement, has been making a lot of news recently, and I just want to address any concerns the average bro might have over some rumors they may have heard. Yes, DJ Pauly D has pierced is joint. He pierced is crown jewel. I just wanted to confirm this with the community and let you know it is not gay. It is the most juiced up dong I have ever seen. I even took some pictures down to the bro council at Ronnie’s Gym/Tanning Boutique and we all agreed, what a fucking bro. To any of those fag-bros who want to go against the bro-tacular DJ Pauly D, you’re going to have to go up against me, DJ Eddie Q, first, aight? One more thing, due to the immense bro-ness of Pauly’s pierced joint, he has decided to pose for the respectable women’s magazine ‘Playgirl’. We’ve all agreed at the council that this is pretty fucking bro-tastic. If anyone wants to congratulate our juiced up brother, hit up Jenks down at the shore and get our fucking sweet ass muscle bro rep Pauly D some juiced-up jager-bombs for him and his all bro crew.

That’s it for the updates straight from DJ Eddie Q down at the shore. Keep it real, bros, and don’t forget to rip all those anonymous nerd-queers a new asshole if you see ’em!

By the way if any bros wanna upgrade to the new Santini Carbon Bibs 2XL AGT fluid hair gel, just let Vinny down at Flower Street Hair and Beauty know. He’ll hook you up and blow you out.
Bros kissing.

I Played With Girls Toys and Enjoyed It

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GI Joes, Transformers, Remote Control Cars, and Legos. Yeah, I played with all those things. I enjoyed them very much. But there was something else, something much more… feminine that I liked to play with. My parents never had a problem with it, and I never gave it a second thought until now. I remember this very fondly, but I also do realize that what I was really doing was playing with girly toys.
When I was younger I had many girl friends. I had more girl friends then I did boy friends (They all wanted to marry by the way, not to boast). I would go to these girl friends houses and play with them. One friend in particular I really had a good time with. So what did we play? We played house, and we played house with Barbie dolls. She had it all. She had tons of Barbies, a Barbie dream house, a Barbie convertible, and of course Ken, Barbie’s cool boyfriend. I would be Ken, and my friend would be Barbie. We were married, (or soon to be married) and we had a life together, with a house, and a car, and a dog. Sometimes we would put our dolls in bed and make them kiss, cause that’s what adults did in bed. I wouldn’t look of course, because that was gross.

I loved this. That’s all I wanted to do. For a while I hadn’t brought this girly infection back home with me, but it wasn’t contained for long. One day I went to my this girls house, and she had the coolest Barbie doll I had ever seen. It was Aladdin, from the recently released Aladdin disney movie. It was awesome. It came with two costumes, Aladdin street rat, and Aladdin prince. It also had a little pet Apu! It could fly in my mind. Pure awesome. I played with it a couple of times at my friends house untill I couldn’t help myself and I asked my mom to get it for me for Christmas. In a house that didn’t allow any videogames (which at this time meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis), this was my best option that year. The girly toys had invaded my home. It was badass.

This went on and off till around 4th grade. After that I had changed schools, and lost of of my girlfriends so I had to play with boy stuff again. Well, it was good while it lasted.

I’m not ashamed of my dabbling into girls toys. It was awesome. I had a great time. Sometimes I would strip my dolls down and would make them dance naked. Totally not girly. And look at me now, a badass bro, ruling the world with my words. It was worth every minute.

-Maxim

I Love You, Norman Reedus

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I know many of you are going, “Who the hell is Norman Reedus?”. Well, let me explain. It begins with Lady Gaga. I absolutely love her new video for the song “Judas”. I don’t want to deny this fact anymore. Well, I haven’t really been denying, it’s just that I don’t come across as an awesome bro badass who also happens to watch Lady Gaga videos. Now you know, you can be both. Okay, so, Judas, woah, I just love that shit, okay? If you’re not familiar with the video I suggest you go watch it now. Yeah, the song is catchy, yeah, Lady Gaga looks like a bad ass biker chick, but there was something else, something hidden that has kept drawing me back to this video time and time again. I didn’t know what it was… until now.

It’s this guy:

Now most of you know this sexy guy from the cult flick “The Boondock Saints”. Yeah, I saw it once, whatever. It was okay. It’s totally unrelated. I didn’t even realize that he played that Irish douche. What did come into my head when I saw him in the video, was the words”complete and utter badass”. I finally realized that I kept watching this music video just to see this guy. He’s only in the thing for like 33 seconds, but shit man, him in his tight leather jacket, with that rugged “Come get some!” attitude. His “I’m a fucking pimp” face. Holy shit. Holy shit… I don’t even know what to say, it’s just that I had to put this down somewhere. I love this guy. His name is Norman Reedus. And he is a complete and utter badass. Wow. Wow. Wow.

-Maxim

P.S. You can still be a bro and confess you’re love for an awesome dude. Stop being a douche.

We did it Bros! VIC-TO-RY!

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Have all you bros out there heard the news? Thanks to the quick mobilization of the elite Bro force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X, Lulzsec, the group full of nerds hacking our most precious websites, has ran away to their mommies. We knew it would be an easy fight, since these nerds are nothing compared to bro power, but we had no idea it would be this easy. Only six days after our initial call to arms, we destroyed their whole chicken-shit organization. We found one of their leaders through the ancient bro power of nerdsense down on Chester by kinkos. He had some gay robot nerd shit guarding his place, but from the reports, the team just got juiced as hell and kicked all that stuff to shit.

I really just want to thank all the bros who participated around the country. Without your incredible brosephness, this would not of been possible. Just wanna give another shout out to DJ Danny J, for stepping it up in the absence of DJ Pauly D, and also Vinny and the boys for just being all around bro channel elite gentleman during this whole ordeal.

This is just a lesson to all the nerd groups out there. You thought that you were on top, with your dumb nerd attacks on the CIA, well we’re getting back on top, just like in High School, and we’ll kick your ass. So be afraid. It isn’t over yet, gibroni.

Now we can finally start making our homemade porn videos again, and log into our favorite tanning websites to check out the latest bro styles. To celebrate we got a big party down at Jenks tonight. So get your hair dryer and blow your hair out like it’s never been out. Lets go down to the shore and rock that shit.

In the words of the bro god Johnny Drama… VICTORY!

A Call to All Bros

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My bros. The world is turning upside down. We are now living in an age where our massive sex appeal, our incredibly large muscles, our quick tempers, our awesome tans, and our popped collars are losing their influence. What’s taking its place? Online hacker nerds. Yes, our arch enemies. The scrawny weiner kids with glasses we beat up at school are now claiming that they’re the shit. These guys, using names like “lulzsec”, “Anonymous”, and “/b/tards”, are going around, fucking with the CIA, fucking with Sony, and fucking with our countries shit. Now I know every self respecting Bro who loves their country should be up in arms about this, but I don’t see any action from the very respectful bro representatives at “the shore”. I mean, DJ Pauly D hasn’t said a thing, and you know that asshole Vinny won’t do anything. Our leadership is incapable. We got to take this into our own hands.

True bros know what really counts in this world. Muscles, tans, and of course, just being the fucking man all the time. That’s why I am calling up all the real bro’s in the world to fight against these ninnies. They may be able to hack into our computer, steal our naked photos, steal our social security numbers, our credit card information, our tanning salon account IDs, but they can’t, I repeat, CAN’T, steal our muscles. So we’re gonna use them. We will make them pay for the Denial of Service attacks on the Javina’s Tanning Salon, and Ronnie’s Man the Fuck Up Gym’s websites. We will go around the country, searching for these nerds wherever they may be, and kick those damn lizard fucking foureyes’ asses!

Here’s what those gibronis look like:

You remember those assholes, right? All right bros, let’s go get those nerds.