I Have Come Up With the Best Personality Quiz EvAr

Okay, you guys all have experienced something like this. You open up Facebook, or your email, or whatever you use to communicate with people, and see that all of your friends have sent you something like this…
First Four Word Personality Test

What the fuck? Happy face? Oh no, wait… It’s a trap! Personality quiz?? Crap, you read the instructions! Now you to take it because it says If you don’t send it to 50 other people you’re going to get your junk chopped off! So you spend 10 minutes looking for a god damn word and then when you finally find one, it’s something like, “peaceful”. Then you think “Peaceful!? What the hell? I’m not peaceful! I was just about to throw my computer right in the face of my girlffriend in frustration cause I couldn’t find frickin’ a word for ten minutes!”. Then you think, “This quiz is complete bullshit, we need something better!” And that’s where I come in, your faithful genius here at Maxim’s Madness.

I was tired of seeing all my friends either getting their junk chopped off, or getting answers that were complete bologna all the time. So I decided I was going to devote all my time from now on into developing the best darned personality quiz of all time. And after years of painstaking research, I finally did it.

Behold the awesomeness.

    THE FRICKIN’ BEST PERSONALITY QUIZ EVAR!!! Omg!

😉

Note: You’ll probably need a pen and paper, unless you are some kind of genius.

1. Write down the first four things your eyes are drawn to in this picture.
A little girls room
2.For the first and third thing on your list, note the first letter. For the second and fourth thing, note the third letter.

3. Find the most awesome book in your house.

4. Add up the number of letters in the words of the four things you found. Whatever the sum is, go to that page in your awesome book.

5. Keeping in mind the letters taken from step two, start reading the page. When you find an word that starts with one of your letters, write it down. Anything goes, even pronouns and particles! You should have four by the end.

6. Try to make a sentence with your words, if you can’t, your journey has ended. You are bound for a miserable life full of upset and betrayal. Now get out off my site. If you were able to make a sentence, good for you! Move on to the next step.

7. Think about your sentence for a bit. Work it out in your head. Like most clues from the great beyond, the meaning won’t hit you all at once. Think about it for a few days. Let it seep deep into your mind. It give you the most profound insight on your soul you’ve ever had.

8. SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE OR I WILL PERSONALLY EAT YOUR GENITALS! ❤

Here's what I got…

My four things: deer, jacket, divider, bed.
The letters: D, D, D, and C.
My book: A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin (It was the closest one to me at the time, but its still awesome!)
The page: 20
The words: dragon, do, coin, did.
The sentence: Did Coin do Dragon?

How erotic… I wonder who Coin and Dragon are. I feel like this is a sentence midway between some heavy gossip by two teenaged girls. But I don't even know who these two people are… I guess I'm…eavesdropping! Yes…I'm eavesdropping on two people! And who eavesdrops? Oh, shit! I'm a frickin spy! The quiz is telling me I should be a spy! Just like I’ve always wanted wanted. I’m so happy.

What did I say? 100% accurate, and scientifically provable.

Try it out! Tell me what you guys got!

Sleepy Saturdays: Berries and Cream

Welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

During my college years, I was a funny man. I was a clownish man. I was a…berries man. Not really, but everyone said I was, all because of this commercial. It defined my freshman year.

Well, apparently this guy is my twin. And you know what… I can see it.

Have a great weekend!

-Maxim

Berries and Cream

Sleepy Saturdays: Vacation

It’s Sleepy Saturday, and we’ve reached the fourth and final post of the all week blog theme on my vacation (Here are parts 1, 2, and 3 in case you missed them). The end came so fast. I’m almost not ready to let it go. However, we must move on to other pastures. We cannot stand idly by as the world moves on. We must  continue, we must rise, we must triumph!

So to mark the end of this beautiful theme on vacation, I give you pictures and movies from some of the best vacations ever had by man.

Laying by truckWhat a great vacation spot! Don’t you remember being on the road with your parents, seeing something on the side of the road, and having to stop and check it out? What better than a tipped over coal truck! Free futons and pillows to boot! Sweeeeeet.

Awesome vacay picThe worst? Don’t you mean… the best? How can you put that label on sailing through the tropical ocean on a fucking dolphin!? Not only that, but the bitch in the front is like, “Hey, look! No hands” and shit. Just try and beat that. Try.

Vacation Coffee ComicThe age old tale of forgetting something incredibly important that you had to do while already on the vacation. This specific example would definitely call for the cancellation of said vacation and quick return back to Shanksville.

The GriswoldsLast, but not least, we have this joyful bunch. Which one of you doesn’t know what this photo is of? I loathe you, by the way. For those who do, congratulations. Of course, it’s a photo of the Griswolds of National Lampoon’s Vacation fame; hands down the best vacationing family of all time. Proof:

Don’t fuck with Chevy Chase.

And that wraps up our week! I hope you enjoyed the vacation! Tune in next week for some brand new Madness!

Catch you later, folks!

-Maxim

Little Treasures

Going back to the place you grew up in is an extraordinary experience. While there, you may find yourself being a little bit more sentimental than you are used to. Walking around with eyes closed, taking in all the sights, sounds and smells. The sensations touch something deep inside you. Ancient feelings rushed to the forefront of your mind, born anew. You notice that, for better or worse, your home will always be a part of you, having a profound influence on who you are today, and what you will become. On my recent trip back to the place of my upbringing, being there conjured up an unexpected memory. Something that had happened while I was very young, perhaps eight or nine, which had stayed hidden from in my sub conscience for years. Yet, when it finally came back, I remembered it as clear and as vividly as it were yesterday. An event so storied and powerful, it’s a wonder I even forgot.

I almost ate poop.

Now I know what you’re thinking. No, I wasn’t some savage going throughout the house, lurking in the shadows behind the toilet, pouncing just before the flush to gorge on the delicious morsels. I was a semi-normal child. I didn’t even like poop or the act of pooping, and for good reason! Not only did my dad constantly think that I was constipated, giving me way too many suppositories, but I was also afraid the blob was going to come down and eat me while I was alone in the bathroom. It was a double poop hating whammy jam.

So eating poop, yes. It started with a deep love of chocolate. Oh, I was a vicious little fuck. I would climb over mountains of tables and counters, sneak into ever-watched keeps of highly secured cabinets, all to reach my prized chocolate, or chocolate cookies, or whatever we had in the house. I would sneak two for breakfast, five for lunch, and ten for dinner. I would go shopping with my mother with the sole purpose of getting to that choclate heaven, the super market, and raid the aisles with the skill and precisian of a Roman Centurion. If we didn’t have a suitable treat in the house, I would, like MacGyver, create a concoction of semi-sweet chocolate chips in a spoon of chunky peanut butter…or six, a suitable snack for the weary chocolate madman. I could of been slightly chubby then, but shit, I wanted my chocolate. Bitches knew not to get in my way.

One day I found a chocolate chip on the floor. I was ecstatic. It was like finding buried treasure. I quickly, without thought as to how long it had been on the floor or how it had gotten there, picked it up and ate it. It was delicious. I was the chocolate conjurer, a chocolate pirate.

A couple weeks later I found yet another chocolate chip on the floor. “Sweet! Another chocolate chip!” I thought to myself, “The chocolate pirate strikes again! Come here my little treasure”. I picked up the chip, was about to put it into my mouth, and for some reason that I cannot comprehend, I stopped. I looked at the chip. It looked like the last one I had eaten, slightly deformed. Probably due to being left on the floor and stepped on for the past couple of days, but that shouldn’t of been a problem. Why I smelt the chip I do not know, but I did. It quite the smell I expected. I smelt again, and again, and again. Wait, no, was it…yes, It was…poop. I threw it back on the floor, happy. I had caught myself before putting the poop in my mouth. It didn’t deter me in the slightest. “My sisters, of course”, I thought, “The chocolate pirate evades yet another trap from the Kraken’s vile butt”. I was a genius. Great memory, huh? Ahh, being home again.
Chocolate or Poop

Now I realize that there is great attention paid to the similarities between chocolate and poop. I feel that many of you, the awesome readers of this blog, may have their own confusing poop for chocolate stories themselves; Whether it be finding a nice warm turd in a baking pan, or being presented with a brown present from your son or daughter. I want to know these stories! I happen to have grown a great appreciation for the ever chancing brown substance that we create. Please, feel free to share in the comments section!

Until next time!

-Maxim

Did You Miss Me?

Bear sucking faceHello lovelies! I am back from my vacation and am ready to put our little cove of madness back into gear full time. It was almost a month ago when I raced out of this hell bent, radiactive country known as J-Land, and went back to the land of mashed potato mountains known as America Town. I know that many of you were at the brink of giving up all hope of my return, but here I am, in the flesh, with over 15,000 miles added on that meter that records distance, whatever it’s called.

Oh yes, fresh back from….fresh…yeah….came back…just a couple of hours ago…uh huh…crap. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I got to come clean. I’ve been trying to be totally honest with all of you throughout this entire brain probing blog experience and If I start lying now, who knows where the truth eating will end. I’ve actually been back for three days. Three entire days. I’ve been sitting here, sleeping, laying down, drinking excessivly, with all the time in the world, and I hadn’t even thought about filling in you, my lovers. I’ve cheated you all of three days of awesomeness, and I feel down right bad about it. I hope I haven’t lost your trust.

So, to make it up to all of you, for the rest of this week I will be updating everyday until Saturday. That’s right, a new awesome anecdote related to my vacation, or just some memory being home reminded me of. Should be absolutely amazing. So, look forward to it people, you’re in for some fun!

Just to tie you over here is something awesome I found at home.

Jesus Truck

I love America.

Sleepy Saturdays: Magical Sheep

Welcome again to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays, where it is my mission to get you out of that post Friday funk. Today on Sleepy Saturdays I have a video for you. Now, this isn’t your typical video. Most of you will be so confused and horrified, that you probably won’t even want to watch it until the end. But I have faith that you will come back. Without knowing you have already submitted your mind to the whim of the magical sheep, which I have fondly named Charlie. So without no further ado, I give you…Charlie, the magical sheep.

8 Journalists Dead After Attending Facebook Event

On Friday, July 8th, Mark Zuckerberg hosted a Facebook event where they announced a partnership with the global internet calling platform Skype. Now Facebook users can video chat with anyone on their friends list via Skype without having to install any software on their computer. Sounds great, Zucky! Go get back at those freaks at Google! However, strange events have taken place that have put a dark shadow on the whole announcement. Today, days after the press event, eight journalists who attended the event were found dead in their homes due to apparent suicide. However, all signs showed that these men and women were all happy and all together normal people. So what was the cause for these untimely deaths? It has police stumped. The only thing authorities have to work on is the assumption is that something happened during the conference. Something sinister. Something evil.

The event started normally enough. The Zuckster came out in his classic t-shirt and genes sporting man-boobs. Everyone was happy. A buzz filled the air. The lights dimmed. The presentation began. Little did they know that some were in for a deadly surprise. Here’s what the presentation consisted of, a lot of this:

And this:

Some of this:

And of course, this:

The immediate reaction from the press, due to the large amount of log and derivative graphs, was predictable:

“omg! I’ll just read about it later. This is like water torture.”

“Im gona play solitaire if he doesn’t get on with it”

“Someone needs to bump him to get him to stop saying UM”

“After this, I need an UM detox program..”

“Logarithmic graphs? Jesus Christ.”

“Why did I get an invite to this?”

“*sigh* just say it already, we don’t care about this filler stuff,”

“Get to the point!”

“Zzzzzzzz.”

All seemingly normal reactions to a very, very, very boring presentation. But some other comments of a different sort also started popping up:

“@Facebook event. Can only see #black.”

“Zuck’s eyes are burning with emerald hatred. My heart is on fire.”

“Want to die. I offer my soul to the harbinger.”

It was the consensus of most of the press that Zuck Zook was never a good presenter; after all, he is just a big nerd who started Facebook to get laid. But after the event, as most people just went on with their lives, others followed a darker path. A path to suicide. No one knows why these 8 people decided to take their lives. All we know is that they all attended the conference, and the conference was extremely boring. Could they have been bored to death? Perhaps we’ll never know.

-Maxim