8 Journalists Dead After Attending Facebook Event

On Friday, July 8th, Mark Zuckerberg hosted a Facebook event where they announced a partnership with the global internet calling platform Skype. Now Facebook users can video chat with anyone on their friends list via Skype without having to install any software on their computer. Sounds great, Zucky! Go get back at those freaks at Google! However, strange events have taken place that have put a dark shadow on the whole announcement. Today, days after the press event, eight journalists who attended the event were found dead in their homes due to apparent suicide. However, all signs showed that these men and women were all happy and all together normal people. So what was the cause for these untimely deaths? It has police stumped. The only thing authorities have to work on is the assumption is that something happened during the conference. Something sinister. Something evil.

The event started normally enough. The Zuckster came out in his classic t-shirt and genes sporting man-boobs. Everyone was happy. A buzz filled the air. The lights dimmed. The presentation began. Little did they know that some were in for a deadly surprise. Here’s what the presentation consisted of, a lot of this:

And this:

Some of this:

And of course, this:

The immediate reaction from the press, due to the large amount of log and derivative graphs, was predictable:

“omg! I’ll just read about it later. This is like water torture.”

“Im gona play solitaire if he doesn’t get on with it”

“Someone needs to bump him to get him to stop saying UM”

“After this, I need an UM detox program..”

“Logarithmic graphs? Jesus Christ.”

“Why did I get an invite to this?”

“*sigh* just say it already, we don’t care about this filler stuff,”

“Get to the point!”

“Zzzzzzzz.”

All seemingly normal reactions to a very, very, very boring presentation. But some other comments of a different sort also started popping up:

“@Facebook event. Can only see #black.”

“Zuck’s eyes are burning with emerald hatred. My heart is on fire.”

“Want to die. I offer my soul to the harbinger.”

It was the consensus of most of the press that Zuck Zook was never a good presenter; after all, he is just a big nerd who started Facebook to get laid. But after the event, as most people just went on with their lives, others followed a darker path. A path to suicide. No one knows why these 8 people decided to take their lives. All we know is that they all attended the conference, and the conference was extremely boring. Could they have been bored to death? Perhaps we’ll never know.

-Maxim

Guess What Mental Disease You Probably Have?

Do you find you often procrastinate? Do you forget things? Is your desk usually a mess? Are you bored often? If you said “yes” to all (or some) of the above questions, don’t be alarmed… you just have adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Yes, the condition usually only associated with children is now estimated to affect an alarming 4% of all American adults. That’s like seven bajillion people. That means you. You’re probably thinking, “But those symptoms are so broad. Everyone is like that sometimes!” Think again, buster. Go to a psychologist immediately, because the consequences if you don’t could destroy your life and haunt you forever.

So you don’t believe me, huh? Check out some of these real stories and see how their lives were ruined by undiagnosed adult ADHD.

Heather Sinclair was a librarian at the public library. Despite her dynamic and ever challenging profession, she was bored at work often. Her mind would wander. After her shift was done she would often rush home to do things that she found entertaining. With her mind always wondering, she had forgotten to email her dad on his birthday. Heather’s father, who lived off the messages received from his children, was thrown into distress. He then died from a sudden onset of polyglandular Addison’s disease (an illness where sudden emotion shock can kill you). If she had only realized that she had a serious mental illness, she could of saved him the trauma, but no, she forgot. Her father is now dead because of it.

Here’s another one.

Sam Robinson was a 26 year old C average student at Kingsborough Community College. Sure, if you had asked him before, he would he would have told you that he’s just an average Joe, trying to get a better education. But all of his procrastination had deadly consequences. He had three midterms the next week and he hadn’t begun studying. He decided that doing the work was impossible, so instead, he enlisted the help of the Russian mob. He instructed them to hack into his professors computers and steal the answer keys. Little did he know that he was an idiot for asking the Russian mob to hack into anything to begin with. Instead, they found the professors and got the answers out of them by force. One of his professors tried to defend himself, and was killed in the struggle. When they came back to Sam and demanded more money for the extra work, he couldn’t pay and tried to get out of the deal. The mob didn’t take too kindly to this. They took his family hostage. He went to the police, and they killed his parents for his betrayal. Sam is now being kept under the witness protection program. If only he had realized that it could have all been avoided if he had just asked his drug dealing roommate for cocktail of Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Concerta, he would have been fine. Too late. His parents are dead. ADHD is to blame.

There are countless stories. And they all end the same way.

You’re still not convinced? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like it’s unnatural to sit at a desk for hours. Like its unnatural that you should want to do all tasks promptly. You think we evolved from cave people that magically had something exciting to do all the time? You think ADHD is a modern creation?!? You’re worse off than I thought.

I highly recommend that any people suffering from these symptoms go seek medical help immediately. We can only hope that you will reach those pills in time. All of your family’s lives depend on it.