Guess What Mental Disease You Probably Have?

Do you find you often procrastinate? Do you forget things? Is your desk usually a mess? Are you bored often? If you said “yes” to all (or some) of the above questions, don’t be alarmed… you just have adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Yes, the condition usually only associated with children is now estimated to affect an alarming 4% of all American adults. That’s like seven bajillion people. That means you. You’re probably thinking, “But those symptoms are so broad. Everyone is like that sometimes!” Think again, buster. Go to a psychologist immediately, because the consequences if you don’t could destroy your life and haunt you forever.

So you don’t believe me, huh? Check out some of these real stories and see how their lives were ruined by undiagnosed adult ADHD.

Heather Sinclair was a librarian at the public library. Despite her dynamic and ever challenging profession, she was bored at work often. Her mind would wander. After her shift was done she would often rush home to do things that she found entertaining. With her mind always wondering, she had forgotten to email her dad on his birthday. Heather’s father, who lived off the messages received from his children, was thrown into distress. He then died from a sudden onset of polyglandular Addison’s disease (an illness where sudden emotion shock can kill you). If she had only realized that she had a serious mental illness, she could of saved him the trauma, but no, she forgot. Her father is now dead because of it.

Here’s another one.

Sam Robinson was a 26 year old C average student at Kingsborough Community College. Sure, if you had asked him before, he would he would have told you that he’s just an average Joe, trying to get a better education. But all of his procrastination had deadly consequences. He had three midterms the next week and he hadn’t begun studying. He decided that doing the work was impossible, so instead, he enlisted the help of the Russian mob. He instructed them to hack into his professors computers and steal the answer keys. Little did he know that he was an idiot for asking the Russian mob to hack into anything to begin with. Instead, they found the professors and got the answers out of them by force. One of his professors tried to defend himself, and was killed in the struggle. When they came back to Sam and demanded more money for the extra work, he couldn’t pay and tried to get out of the deal. The mob didn’t take too kindly to this. They took his family hostage. He went to the police, and they killed his parents for his betrayal. Sam is now being kept under the witness protection program. If only he had realized that it could have all been avoided if he had just asked his drug dealing roommate for cocktail of Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Concerta, he would have been fine. Too late. His parents are dead. ADHD is to blame.

There are countless stories. And they all end the same way.

You’re still not convinced? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like it’s unnatural to sit at a desk for hours. Like its unnatural that you should want to do all tasks promptly. You think we evolved from cave people that magically had something exciting to do all the time? You think ADHD is a modern creation?!? You’re worse off than I thought.

I highly recommend that any people suffering from these symptoms go seek medical help immediately. We can only hope that you will reach those pills in time. All of your family’s lives depend on it.

Golden Child Sells His Kidney for an iPad 2

Shit, have you guys heard about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad 2? Talk about desperate…

Smoke that crack, yeah...

A photo taken of the Golden Child before the operation.

LHASA, Tibet (AP) — The Golden Child, a young Tibetan holy monk from Eddie Murphy fame, masquerading as a Chinese teenager named Zheng, has sold his kidney for about 3000 dollars to get enough money to buy an iPad 2. When he returned home from the operation, his followers noticed something was strange when the Golden Child came back with the the new tablet and a thousand dollars worth of ecstasy pills. They promptly called the authorities when they heard what happened.

The young mystic was allegedly corrupted by desire brought on by so called “cool” advertisements from Apple. Sources claim that the young boy had grown tired of being sought out by Tibetan monks from around the world who wanted to use him for his healing powers and blessings. “It’s a big drag” said the Golden Child, “With the iPad 2, I could find an app for doing all that, dipshit”. The Golden Child, who since birth has lived only on tea leaves given to him by his followers, could not afford the massive 499 dollar price tag. He sought alternative means.

I'm too lazy to move my hand.

A typical advertisement from Apple.

The alleged perpetrator Sardo Numpsa, the demon lord foiled years ago by the Chosen One Eddie Murphy, had returned from the underworld looking for ways to obtain the Golden Child’s kidney. He had heard it would grant the owner the means to do an unlimited amount of illicit drugs with no negative side effects. “Why should only the Golden Child have that power? Demons are very sensitive to smoking rocks and doing nazi crank, we need extra protection”, adding “He’s the golden child; he could just poop out a new kidney”.

Earlier this week the golden child, while purportedly high off methamphetamine and elephant tranquilizers had discovered an ad offering fast cash for young Buddhist kidneys, and quickly responded. Asked why he was not suspicious of the advertisement, the golden child responded that it “looked like the real shit” and we should “get off (his) big golden balls”.

The internet age demon, out for the Golden Child's kidney.

The Demon Lord posed as this respectable organ dealer.

Demon Lord Numpsa posed on the advertisement as a distinguished family Chinese organ dealer. He paid for the golden child, now disguised as a young Chinese teenager named Zheng, to travel to a hospital in Chenzhou City, Hunan Province, to get the operation done. When asked why the golden child hadn’t seen through Demon Lord Numpsa’s disguise he responded, “I dunno, I was fucked on methadone”.

While the Golden Child’s monestary has filed a complaint against Demon Lord Numpsa, according to one of the Golden Child’s followers he a has “no interest” in seeking justice as he “had already pooped out a replacement kidney, and is tricked out from 4 hits of X and 12 straight hours playing Geometry Wars for his new tab”.

What a bad-ass.

The mystical Eddie Murphy.