Lost iPhone 5 Just an Elaborate Rouse, Steve Jobs Tape Revealed

Carboard iPhone 5Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.

“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”

The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.

The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.

No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.
I Believe You, STEVE

For more information visita a real news source.

Golden Child Sells His Kidney for an iPad 2

Shit, have you guys heard about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad 2? Talk about desperate…

Smoke that crack, yeah...

A photo taken of the Golden Child before the operation.

LHASA, Tibet (AP) — The Golden Child, a young Tibetan holy monk from Eddie Murphy fame, masquerading as a Chinese teenager named Zheng, has sold his kidney for about 3000 dollars to get enough money to buy an iPad 2. When he returned home from the operation, his followers noticed something was strange when the Golden Child came back with the the new tablet and a thousand dollars worth of ecstasy pills. They promptly called the authorities when they heard what happened.

The young mystic was allegedly corrupted by desire brought on by so called “cool” advertisements from Apple. Sources claim that the young boy had grown tired of being sought out by Tibetan monks from around the world who wanted to use him for his healing powers and blessings. “It’s a big drag” said the Golden Child, “With the iPad 2, I could find an app for doing all that, dipshit”. The Golden Child, who since birth has lived only on tea leaves given to him by his followers, could not afford the massive 499 dollar price tag. He sought alternative means.

I'm too lazy to move my hand.

A typical advertisement from Apple.

The alleged perpetrator Sardo Numpsa, the demon lord foiled years ago by the Chosen One Eddie Murphy, had returned from the underworld looking for ways to obtain the Golden Child’s kidney. He had heard it would grant the owner the means to do an unlimited amount of illicit drugs with no negative side effects. “Why should only the Golden Child have that power? Demons are very sensitive to smoking rocks and doing nazi crank, we need extra protection”, adding “He’s the golden child; he could just poop out a new kidney”.

Earlier this week the golden child, while purportedly high off methamphetamine and elephant tranquilizers had discovered an ad offering fast cash for young Buddhist kidneys, and quickly responded. Asked why he was not suspicious of the advertisement, the golden child responded that it “looked like the real shit” and we should “get off (his) big golden balls”.

The internet age demon, out for the Golden Child's kidney.

The Demon Lord posed as this respectable organ dealer.

Demon Lord Numpsa posed on the advertisement as a distinguished family Chinese organ dealer. He paid for the golden child, now disguised as a young Chinese teenager named Zheng, to travel to a hospital in Chenzhou City, Hunan Province, to get the operation done. When asked why the golden child hadn’t seen through Demon Lord Numpsa’s disguise he responded, “I dunno, I was fucked on methadone”.

While the Golden Child’s monestary has filed a complaint against Demon Lord Numpsa, according to one of the Golden Child’s followers he a has “no interest” in seeking justice as he “had already pooped out a replacement kidney, and is tricked out from 4 hits of X and 12 straight hours playing Geometry Wars for his new tab”.

What a bad-ass.

The mystical Eddie Murphy.