Hello and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!
I found this gem on CNN the other day. I think it is safe to say that the Klan is taking over the family ice cream business in their plans for a resurgence.
Careful guys. That family is full of KKK liars!
Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.
“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”
The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.
The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.
No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.
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A team has just announced that last week in Jerusalem they had uncovered one of the most astounding archeological finds of our time. The team, searching a series of ancient sewers under Jerusalem, found a half inch golden bell hidden among debris. “It’s an astounding find” said Eli Shukron of the Israel Antiquities Authority, “You can only hope for a discovery like this in your lifetime. I’m quite thrilled that my team and I get a chance to research this brilliant object.”
It is easy to see why the bell is causing so much excitiment in the archeology world. When Shukron shook the bell for reporters yesterday, the sound was absolutley divine, and very familiar. The immediate consensus around the room was that the sound was almost exactly like the sound of when you bang two lego men together. “We came to the same conclusion.” Shukron explained. “The sound is so universal, so primal. Any child could recognize this sound.” The ramifications of this find could rock the basis of history. It’s a well known fact that the sound of two lego men are banging together can only occur when you are actually playing with legos, whether they be fighting, or when they run into each other by accident during deep space exploration. There is no other known way to reproduce the unique sound. To confirm the research teams suspicion, an X-ray was taken of the bell. This is what they found.
Legos were thought to be first created in 1932 by Danish Inventor Kirk Christiansen. The only possible explanation of this find is that Legos are far more ancient than anyone has ever dreamed. Researchers are pouring through all available information, trying to identify who’s bell this actually was, though they think they have found a very important clue. On the top of the bell is a small loop which they believe was the mark of a Jerusalem brothel founded around the same period as the bell, named Legothiam. “This is a very important clue as to the origin of the bell, and perhaps all Legos. This specially designed loop was probably threaded, and embroidered into the clothes owned by the prostitutes. The sound was was probably a call to men of the city to come to the brothel, similar to today.”
We have contacted lego and they gave us this statement: “We are quite certain that Kirk Christiansen created Legos, and we are calling for a full investigation into the matter”.
Many questions still remain in this mystery, but it is no doubt that this will probably rewrite history as we know it.
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