Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.

“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”

The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.

The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.

No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.

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