No Science or Religion? What Would You Think?

Our worldview is based on many things. And you can count on the fact that either science or religion has messed with your head and influenced your ideas about stuff. For example, most people know that the earth revolves around the sun, and that the sun is a giant nuclear fusion machine composed of hydrogen and helium burning at millions of degrees. You learned that once in school, right? Okay, maybe you didn’t, stupid, but even without science we would have religion. Everyone would be taught that the earth is the center of the universe, and the sun is some god, or a big lamp created by god, or something about the gods, and god god god, whatever! There’s no way out! You either have one or the other!

So imagine a world without science or religion, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, on some land mass, with a bunch of animals, and all you have is your imagination. What would you think everything was? I mean, the human mind comes up with reasons to explain everything, even if they’re completely false. What would you think the stars were? The sun? The moon? Mountains? Lighting? I took a shot at it.

Here’s my ignorant self trying to explain some stuff to so called “enlightened” persons:

Sun Tarot

The thing that lights my day. The thing that warms me. The thing that hurts my eyes when I look at it. The thing that allows me to kill ants with my magnifying glass. I’m referring to the giant bright thing in the sky, that is Raktooku. Yeah, that’s where my ancestors come from. It’s like an island or something. But some evil ancient monkeys started a forest fire on it like a billion years. As you can see, it hasn’t stopped burning. We all had to escape to this green place, which I now call my home. Ever since I figured that out, I kill monkeys whenever I see them and burn them in fire.

Moon Tarot Card

So you remember those evil monkeys I was talking about? Yeah, they live on that other big ball in the sky; the bright silver one. That place is called Shaloopa. Shaloopa sucks big time. That place used to be pretty cool and green like my house, but the monkeys are just so stupid and evil that they ate all their trees, burned all their houses, and drank all their water. They left nothing behind. That’s why they keep coming down into my house, trying to start stuff. I’m just like, I’m so gonna burn you up.

Those sparkly things? Oh, I love them! I look at them a lot when Raktookoo floats away. Sometimes those stupid flammable monkeys get in the way on Shaloopa, but I just make it disappear with my thumb magic. You don’t know thumb magic? Yeah, I can take my short stubby finger and cover all of Shaloopa. Disappears just like that! Pretty awesome, right? Back to twinkly sparklies. That’s an easy one. One day it was raining and I had to go into a cave. I started a fire, and all the rocks around starting shining! I guess you could say it was my “Ah, hah” moment. So yes, my house, Raktookoo, and Shaloopa are in a big shiny rock cave. I am afraid, however, that if I don’t kill and burn enough monkeys, they will break our great cave and we’ll all be destroyed. That reminds me, I should go kill some more monkeys.

Okay, so I turned into a pyro monkey killer. Hey, it could happen to you! What would you turn into with your mind a blank blob? Think about it. You may surprise yourself. Damn monkeys…
Fire breathing gorilla

Buddhist Cults: Yes They Do Exist

When people think of cults, Buddhists probably aren’t the first group that comes to mind. You probably think of Tom Cruise and scientology, or crazy suicide kool-aid. But there are many cults based on the facets of Buddhism all over the world. I should know, I joined one.

But before I get into my experience with crazy Buddhist cults, here are a couple of famous ones you’ve probably already heard of.

Soka Gakkai, 12 million members

These guys are spreading around the world like wildfire. You may of received one of their pamphlets, seen one of their commercials, talked to one of their many members (including Orlando Bloom), or walked around one of their beautiful college campuses. Seems like a nice little, happy, group of Buddhist.

Their leader, Daisaku Ikeda, seems like a pretty cool dude too, except those dreams he has of taking over the cworld (he’s actually been quoted saying stuff like this).  Their members devote their lives to his word. Their main goal is the conversion of large populations of people, so they can take over and control governments. His first target? Japan! He already has a very large following there, including, yes, a political party with members in parliament. Yikes!

The Dhammakaya Movement, members in the millions

This one pretty weird. It’s based in Thailand. The central complex, the biggest buddhist temple in the world, seriously looks like giant UFO, and houses around a hundred thousand people. If that wasn’t enough, they’re currently building one that houses a million. Yes, a million fucking buddhists all in one building. Followers surround this UFO and practice elaborately choreographed nazi-like rallies. They group claims that they are are non profit, but at the same time hey actively encourage people to give thei monks money and gifts, saying it would bring them good Karma. Fucked up right? Can’t get enough? Tune into their 24 hour cable channel for all the half naked, orange robed monk you can get. Creepy as shit.

Aum Shinrikyo, At it’s height about 50,000 members

Ohhhh, Aum. Where to even begin? How could a group that gets its ideas from such a peaceful religions be so deliciously evil? Not only did they make home brood sarin gas and release it into two Japanese population centers, they’ve been linked to several assassinations of lawyers and ex-members. Yes, assassinations.

The founder, Shoko Asahara, started it off as a yoga class at his one room apartment in Tokyo. How he got from that to a 1 billion dollar net worth religious organization that wanted to destroy the world is beyond me. And don’t forget the head gear they were made to wear. They were rigged up with electrodes that were said to focus the brain waves of Asahara straight into the heads of the wearer. So who were all these people stupid enough to follow this guy? Mostly highly educated, rich professionals. Yeah, whatever. Show me that electrode hat you wore again? Yeah.. you’re a retard.

So, yes, I joined a buddhist cult. I’d say out of these three it was somewhere in the middle on the craziness scale. Anyway, I’ll get into all that next time!

Cya around guys!


Golden Child Sells His Kidney for an iPad 2

Shit, have you guys heard about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad 2? Talk about desperate…

Smoke that crack, yeah...

A photo taken of the Golden Child before the operation.

LHASA, Tibet (AP) — The Golden Child, a young Tibetan holy monk from Eddie Murphy fame, masquerading as a Chinese teenager named Zheng, has sold his kidney for about 3000 dollars to get enough money to buy an iPad 2. When he returned home from the operation, his followers noticed something was strange when the Golden Child came back with the the new tablet and a thousand dollars worth of ecstasy pills. They promptly called the authorities when they heard what happened.

The young mystic was allegedly corrupted by desire brought on by so called “cool” advertisements from Apple. Sources claim that the young boy had grown tired of being sought out by Tibetan monks from around the world who wanted to use him for his healing powers and blessings. “It’s a big drag” said the Golden Child, “With the iPad 2, I could find an app for doing all that, dipshit”. The Golden Child, who since birth has lived only on tea leaves given to him by his followers, could not afford the massive 499 dollar price tag. He sought alternative means.

I'm too lazy to move my hand.

A typical advertisement from Apple.

The alleged perpetrator Sardo Numpsa, the demon lord foiled years ago by the Chosen One Eddie Murphy, had returned from the underworld looking for ways to obtain the Golden Child’s kidney. He had heard it would grant the owner the means to do an unlimited amount of illicit drugs with no negative side effects. “Why should only the Golden Child have that power? Demons are very sensitive to smoking rocks and doing nazi crank, we need extra protection”, adding “He’s the golden child; he could just poop out a new kidney”.

Earlier this week the golden child, while purportedly high off methamphetamine and elephant tranquilizers had discovered an ad offering fast cash for young Buddhist kidneys, and quickly responded. Asked why he was not suspicious of the advertisement, the golden child responded that it “looked like the real shit” and we should “get off (his) big golden balls”.

The internet age demon, out for the Golden Child's kidney.

The Demon Lord posed as this respectable organ dealer.

Demon Lord Numpsa posed on the advertisement as a distinguished family Chinese organ dealer. He paid for the golden child, now disguised as a young Chinese teenager named Zheng, to travel to a hospital in Chenzhou City, Hunan Province, to get the operation done. When asked why the golden child hadn’t seen through Demon Lord Numpsa’s disguise he responded, “I dunno, I was fucked on methadone”.

While the Golden Child’s monestary has filed a complaint against Demon Lord Numpsa, according to one of the Golden Child’s followers he a has “no interest” in seeking justice as he “had already pooped out a replacement kidney, and is tricked out from 4 hits of X and 12 straight hours playing Geometry Wars for his new tab”.

What a bad-ass.

The mystical Eddie Murphy.