The “Tea” Party

I Heart TeaRecently, something called the “tea party” has gained popularity throughout the United States. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some dealings with the so called “tea” party and I have to say, they are a bunch of dirty liars. As a fellow tea lover myself, I graciously invited my local tea enthusiasts to my humble abode for a tea enthusiast get together. I was very excited. I painstakingly prepared a tea party that would impress even the most seasoned tea drinker; Tiny bite sized sandwiches, scones, biscuits, sweet tarts, crackers, and of course many different varieties of tea. I even drove all the way to the the fancy supermarket in Doylestown to get some extra special flavors.

When the faithful day finally came, however, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. What an ignorant, stupid, and loud bunch of people. They put shame the namesake that they have so clumsely taken for their own. They are ruining my way of life. They are ruining everything! Why can’t they just change their name to something else? They don’t have tea parties! It doesn’t make any sense! What they call a tea party is just gathering at some place yelling and screaming about some guy named O-bam-a. Who the hell is O-bam-a!? Alabama? Is O-bam-acare some sort of medicinal tea that they all don’t like? I think NOT. They had no interest in my tea and sandwiches. They even had the audacity, after I specifically mentioned on my invitation to “dress for the wonderful occasion” to come in party costumes. I meant button downs and slacks, not 1776 Boston sailor univforms! Perverts! I’ve made a formal complaint to the Tea Association of the United States to let everyone know about these mad men. I hope they are brought to justice soon.

Signing off quite angrily,

Maxim

The Tea Party

The Four Year Old Artist

When I was very young I took art classes. My mom would invite all my friends to my house, and paid someone to come and teach us art. I don’t know how old I was but it was probably around kindergarten. My mom recently told me that I created some sort of clay sculpture that the art teacher said was absolutely ingenious. She also said I was better than anyone in the class and I should continue to pursue art to nurture my “gift”. I have no recollection of this and my mom said that this sculpture was broken shortly after I made it, though, I can imagine how it probably looked. Judging from other pieces of art I created from this time, it was probably a formless blob. Yes, my formless clay blob was a work of frickin’ genius.

Warping back to today, I can only wonder where all my artistic talent has gone. Today at work I was urged by some kindergarteners to draw something for them. I drew an awesome stick-figure, sticking his tongue out, giving the thumbs up sign. I was ridiculed by the group of girls for the next hour (I get ridiculed a lot, by the way). They showed me all the awesome art that they’ve drawn, and it was incredible… well, for kindergartners. But these six year olds girls were light years ahead of me. They then took my drawing and ran all over showing it to as many people as they could. Everyone laughed at me. Then for the rest of recess they continuously snook up behind me and slapped me hard in the back for my indiscretion. That shit hurt.

So anyway, this 4 year old australian girl is getting a lot of attention in the art community. She has an exhibition of her work showing in New York, and she is getting offers up to 30,000 dollars for one piece. I got to say the amount of hoola-hoops people are going through to peg this girl as an art prodigy are absolutely staggering.

First, lets take a look at two of her featured works:

Get it? No? Here are some explanations the artist gave while showing off her work. I took the liberty to mark the parts of the paintings she is talking about.

"That's corral, and that is a corralSSS, and that is the dolphin waving to the rock".

"That is the river, and that is the boat with allllll of the rrrainbow...uhh. b-b-birdies going to their mommy. And thats the...errr. baby bird coming to the same mommy".

So what genre of art would you put these paintings in? If the first thing that came to your head was “abstract expressionism with a dash of surrealism”, you’re right! That’s what the art community is calling her work. Now take a moment and think back to my clay blob… or any kids art for that matter. Expressing themselves? Check. Abstract? Check. Why? Because usually kids can’t draw for shit. You know it’s true. How many times does a kid come up to their parents and say “Look what I drew in class today!” and the parents goes “Ohhh… what a cute puppy!” and the child replies “It’s not a puppy, it’s a horseshoe crab…asshole!” and runs away crying. I challenge this girl to paint anything that isn’t blobs of paint with glued on dolphins. Seriously.

A big reason why they’re claiming that she’s a real artist, and not just some kid throwing paint around, is because she’s consistent. The gallery director, Angela di Bello, explains that her children were painters as well. But her children’s painting didn’t look the same each time, they weren’t consistant. That’s why they weren’t real artists. Remember those girls who made fun of me today for my stick figure drawing? Yeah, they were pretty awesome at drawing but, the one thing is, all their drawings looked exactly the fucking same. They just draw the same things over and over again. Thats what  kids do. They like princesses? They’re gonna draw a hundred princesses. Princess needs a pony? Yeah, those hundred princesses are each getting their pony.

You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah, that all may be true, but these paintings look a lot better than my kids paintings.” Wanna know why? If your child showed an interest in painting, most parents would give their kids some water colors and a sheet of paper. This girls parents are artists. They’ve been giving their daughter unlimited professional paints and canvases literally since she was in diapers. They basically put her in a room with a canvas, paint, and toys and tell her to go at it. Tell me, what kid couldn’t do that?

So, one’s gotta ask… Who’s getting the money from all these paintings? Certainly not the little kid. Yeah, it’s the parents. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, if you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, watch this video. And pay extra attention to the little girl. She’s, well…special.