The Three Rules

Don't mess 2345In case you don’t know, I am a teacher in Japan. I am deep inside the Japanese education apparatus… deep, deep inside. A sleeper agent if you will. Summer vacation has just begun, and we had our first semester closing ceremony yesterday (yes, they have a ceremony for that). It basically was a lot of bowing, standing, and sitting, but there was one thing that caught my ear. After the ceremony one of the teachers went in front of the entire school and gave a speech outlying three rules that they absolutely must follow during summer break. The thing you must understand about these rules is the seriousness the tone of the teacher’s voice was while he said them. A seriousness so well conveyed, every single person in the room knew that if they broke the rules, they would destroy the balance of the universe, or at least Japan. Here are the rules and parts of the speech he gave:

1. Don’t die (死ぬな)

Don’t die. Don’t be dead. Don’t be beheaded. Don’t drown. Don’t get hit by a car. School is a safe place, people don’t die in school. I protect you in these walls. People only die outside in the scary world, where I can’t save you all the time. So don’t go outside of school and get killed, or I will haunt your eternal soul forever.

2. Don’t steal(取るな)

You god damn kids better not steal. Do not take one piece of candy, one spec of dust from anywhere. Do not take anything that does not belong to you. Don’t steal from your friends houses. When you are invited to someones house you are their guest. Even if your friend says you can borrow something and you take it, you are stealing. That is not their property to give and you just took it, you are beyond scum. I will find you, and I will give you my divine justice.

3. Don’t be a lump(だらだらしない)

You are all required to wake up everyday at 6:30 in the morning and do radio calisthenics. Do not lump around the fan all day talking into it. Yeah it makes your voice sound funny, but do it for one more second and the blades may cut your tongue out. You always have something to do at all times, whether it be the one months worth of homework we gave you, or helping your parents, or even just running around your house, do not stay still. You must moving. If you stop, we will find you. We know.

The teacher walked off the stage. Those kids were going to follow his rules, he knew it. He wasn’t exaggerating one bit, and they knew it. It was going to be a long summer.

All I could think about throughout the whole speech was, “Crap, Mr. Fan, don’t take my tongue!”.

I Get Sexually Abused at Work

I can’t keep it to myself anymore. It’s been going on for about 2 years now, almost on a daily basis. Being shown things; being touched inappropriately. I tell them to stop, that it isn’t right, but they don’t listen. In an environment such as the elementary school, you may think that getting sexually abused by children is just a joke, but it’s a very serious problem for many adults. Parents and teachers are afraid to speak out everywhere. The society we live in forgives these children, and tells them that what they do is ok since they are just kids and can’t help it. But not anymore. We must put an end to abuse by children.

Here’s some examples just from today:

We were around the pool. I didn’t bring my bathing suit, so I was crouching down by the side of the pool watching the children. Some of the kids didn’t have their bathing suits either, so they had to sit around and wait as well. The pants I was wearing were pretty tight, so while I was crouching down, my underwear was showing a little bit. The kids were sitting right behind me, giggling. One snuck up behind me, and pulled my pants down a little. I told him to stop and he ran back to the group. I pulled down my shirt and pulled up my pants. After a minute one ran behind me and lifted my shirt to see my underwear again. They kept doing this for another 20 minutes. It was humiliating. Some people would say that dressing like brings on this kind of behavior. Just goes to show what kind of messed up society we live in, blaming the victim of abuse when we really should be blaming the abuser.

It’s not the victim’s fault. Try and understand.

A little later, another kid called out my name and told me to look over at him. To my horror his penis was sticking out. I quickly looked away. He was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away crying.

Again, just one day. I’ve experienced much more. From being asked directly what my penis looks like, to full on grabs of my junk (their short stature allows easy access), to fingers being stuck up my ass (again, easy access). No person should have to work in those kinds conditions. That’s why I am coming out publicly and asking other men and woman who get sexually abused by children, wherever they may be, to speak out. Let’s tell these children that it is not okay to abuse us. We have the power. We are not alone.

-Maxim

The Four Year Old Artist

When I was very young I took art classes. My mom would invite all my friends to my house, and paid someone to come and teach us art. I don’t know how old I was but it was probably around kindergarten. My mom recently told me that I created some sort of clay sculpture that the art teacher said was absolutely ingenious. She also said I was better than anyone in the class and I should continue to pursue art to nurture my “gift”. I have no recollection of this and my mom said that this sculpture was broken shortly after I made it, though, I can imagine how it probably looked. Judging from other pieces of art I created from this time, it was probably a formless blob. Yes, my formless clay blob was a work of frickin’ genius.

Warping back to today, I can only wonder where all my artistic talent has gone. Today at work I was urged by some kindergarteners to draw something for them. I drew an awesome stick-figure, sticking his tongue out, giving the thumbs up sign. I was ridiculed by the group of girls for the next hour (I get ridiculed a lot, by the way). They showed me all the awesome art that they’ve drawn, and it was incredible… well, for kindergartners. But these six year olds girls were light years ahead of me. They then took my drawing and ran all over showing it to as many people as they could. Everyone laughed at me. Then for the rest of recess they continuously snook up behind me and slapped me hard in the back for my indiscretion. That shit hurt.

So anyway, this 4 year old australian girl is getting a lot of attention in the art community. She has an exhibition of her work showing in New York, and she is getting offers up to 30,000 dollars for one piece. I got to say the amount of hoola-hoops people are going through to peg this girl as an art prodigy are absolutely staggering.

First, lets take a look at two of her featured works:

Get it? No? Here are some explanations the artist gave while showing off her work. I took the liberty to mark the parts of the paintings she is talking about.

"That's corral, and that is a corralSSS, and that is the dolphin waving to the rock".

"That is the river, and that is the boat with allllll of the rrrainbow...uhh. b-b-birdies going to their mommy. And thats the...errr. baby bird coming to the same mommy".

So what genre of art would you put these paintings in? If the first thing that came to your head was “abstract expressionism with a dash of surrealism”, you’re right! That’s what the art community is calling her work. Now take a moment and think back to my clay blob… or any kids art for that matter. Expressing themselves? Check. Abstract? Check. Why? Because usually kids can’t draw for shit. You know it’s true. How many times does a kid come up to their parents and say “Look what I drew in class today!” and the parents goes “Ohhh… what a cute puppy!” and the child replies “It’s not a puppy, it’s a horseshoe crab…asshole!” and runs away crying. I challenge this girl to paint anything that isn’t blobs of paint with glued on dolphins. Seriously.

A big reason why they’re claiming that she’s a real artist, and not just some kid throwing paint around, is because she’s consistent. The gallery director, Angela di Bello, explains that her children were painters as well. But her children’s painting didn’t look the same each time, they weren’t consistant. That’s why they weren’t real artists. Remember those girls who made fun of me today for my stick figure drawing? Yeah, they were pretty awesome at drawing but, the one thing is, all their drawings looked exactly the fucking same. They just draw the same things over and over again. Thats what  kids do. They like princesses? They’re gonna draw a hundred princesses. Princess needs a pony? Yeah, those hundred princesses are each getting their pony.

You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah, that all may be true, but these paintings look a lot better than my kids paintings.” Wanna know why? If your child showed an interest in painting, most parents would give their kids some water colors and a sheet of paper. This girls parents are artists. They’ve been giving their daughter unlimited professional paints and canvases literally since she was in diapers. They basically put her in a room with a canvas, paint, and toys and tell her to go at it. Tell me, what kid couldn’t do that?

So, one’s gotta ask… Who’s getting the money from all these paintings? Certainly not the little kid. Yeah, it’s the parents. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, if you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, watch this video. And pay extra attention to the little girl. She’s, well…special.