My Kids Like to Torture Pets Too

TMNTLast time on Maxim’s Madness we discussed my displeasure with how my students treated bugs. Throwing them like toys, ripping off their legs and presenting them to me as presents; great habits to allow a child to develop. Well, it doesn’t stop there. Despite the knowledge that these kids are sadistic, their teachers allow them to keep scores of pets, and task them to take care of them. We all had some sort of class pet growing up, sure, but I think these kids have you beat. Why you ask? It’s all solved by a little count.

Currently we have:
Two rabbits
A rooster
Not one, Not two, not three, not four, but FIVE turtles
A praying mantis

Can you believe it? What kind of crazy fucked in the head teacher would allow a group of kids so many pets? It blows my mind. Now you’re probably thinking, well, they can’t be that bad…at least they’re alive, right? Wrong. I present to you my evidence.

Turtles be fucked

First the turtles. Our kids always have at least one turtle. There are turtles appearing and disappearing and reappearing all the time. On one faithful day a couple of months ago, the kids found a very large turtle next to a river that runs next to us. Of course, the kids wanted to keep it as a pet, and from some inspiration from hell, the teachers agreed. Now this was a big fucking turtle. I mean, on par with some of the biggest turtles I had ever seen. I mean I’ve seen bigger in like an aquarium or something, but this is the wild! Those aquarium turtles don’t actually exist. Anyway, so imagine your laptop that was a turtle… maybe a little bit taller…thicker… that’s the turtle. It was a BIG turtle! So the teachers agreed to keep the it…only problem? Where the fuck they gonna keep a big fucking huge turtle? The usual place we keep turtles is a slightly larger than average bucket (no joke). So the teachers decided to put the big ass turtle in the bucket the size of the turtle. The kids loved it. Seeing the the turtle struggle to get out. Never being able to. Awesome. Kids laughter. Precious. Big turtle. Fun. Oh yeah, innocence. That turtle died in two weeks. They liked it enough to dig it a grave at least… what the fuck.

It’s not like they treat their normal sized turtles any better. Yeah, instead of one big turtle taking up all the room in the bucket, they put five in there. No rocks to lay on, nothing. The kids job is to change the water everyday and feed them, but in the process they have to remove the turtles from their bucket. So in the meantime they run around with the turtles like they are superturtles. Also when they finally put them back in their bucket they set aside a couple of minutes to shake up their water bucket to help the with turtle earthquake training (I guess?). Again, these aren’t the same kids day in and day out. Different kids have to clean the bucket each week. This is a be mean to animals epidemic. I need to kick the kids heads in one of these days.

Praying mantis death tribunal

Here’s a shorter, yet more direct story about our praying mantis. I have less experience with the torture these kids gave this poor guy, though I do know two important facts. First, the fairly large praying mantis is being kept in an old pencil case. Most people wold stop here and be like, “okay, that’s sad”, but it doesn’t stop. It actually gets worse. Second, the teacher had a meeting with the class to tell them that the school had run out of food for the mantis, and at this rate it probably die from starvation if nothing was done. Being the classes pet, she asked for some of the kids opinions, so they could have a vote on what to do. Here were the three main sides:

1. “I don’t care, I want it”
2. “Put another one in so it can die with a friend”
And the minority opinion 3. “We should let it go”

In the end, the class was unable to come to a consensus and the bug stayed where it was.
Awesome Praying Mantis
Okay….JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST! Am I some sort of liberal animal loving freak? Am I weird? Tell me! Is the whole world mad?!?!

I’m glad I vented all of that out. Sorry it took two whole posts to do it!

My Kids Like to Torture Bugs

Magnifying Glass MurderI don’t usually write rapid reactions to things that happened to me today, or even yesterday on Maxim’s Madness. I let them fester. I write careful satire and funny observations, constantly rereading and editing to see what lies or fibs I can add to my stories to make them better. Not lies, but…you know what I mean. Well anyway, today I am going to make an exception. I cannot let what happened to me today go untold, and I need to say this while it’s fresh. There is a tragedy of epic proportions going on in Japan and no ones seems to want to talk about it. I alluded to it a couple of months ago, but didn’t go too in depth. Here comes the rant.

Little fucking kindergartners in Japan are fuckin’ sadist freaks. There, I said it. Their teachers don’t do anything to stop then either. The daily torturing of animals I witness is just heartbreaking. Of course back in the day you always had that one kid in your class who liked to collect bugs, or burn ants with a magnifying glass, whatever, It was one kid. Well, imagine that kid times how ever many kintergarten kids there are in Japan. No bullshit.

The following events all took place within five minutes of each other.

As soon as I get to work today I have a young girl kindly inform me that they had found… something. Actually she said a Japanese word, “mimizu”, but I had no idea what that was. She kindly pointed me to where the action was and I went to investigate. I soon found out what “mimuzu” was, earthworms. They had found a bunch of earthworms after digging in some flowerbeds. Well, they were flowerbeds… yeah. As soon as I saw the worms the kids detected my distaste for them immediately. I did not want to be near those worms. I hate worms. One girl came in close to show me what she had found and I sort of backed off and told her “I see it fine from here. Very good!”. That wasn’t enough, she wanted me to hold it… or something. She came closer, I backed away. Big mistake. It suddenly became a game of “Let’s try and get Maxim to touch the worm”. Seconds later I was running across the field with 10 screaming kindergarteners running after me with worms. They won in the end. At least they were content with only pressing it against my clothes a bunch of times, never my skin. They then proceeded to take the worms and feed them to the birds. Poor worms… Next incident.

A minute later I get sucked into a giant game of tag. That’s usual enough. While in persuit of one particularly slimey child, I felt something hit me in the back. It didn’t hurt or anything, but obviously as a teacher I don’t take kidnly to having stuff being thrown at me. I turned around and found the laughing culprit right behind me. He quickly scoured to pick up what he threw at me, and threw it at me again. He missed, but this time I got a good look at what he was throwing at me. It was a fairly large grasshopper, fighting desperatly to get out of the demon child’s clutches. Horrified, I yelled at the kid that you shouldn’t throw a living thing like a toy, and to think about how the grasshopper feels. He responded to that by picking it up again and throwing it at his friend, who then picked it up and threw it back. I pleaded with the boys to let the poor soul go, but they said nothing and ran off with it. No idea what happened to the thing… probably dead. Next incident.

Literally the second after they ran off, the same girl who had been chasing me with worms came back to present me with a smaller grasshopper she had found. Having just been through a much worse ordeal, and with the grasshopper seemed to be in decent enough shape (living), I congratulated her, but also told her her I would be happy if she let it go. She did, to my surprise. However, soon after she put it down she ran back to me laughing, “Max, look!!!! It’s the grasshoppers leg! I let it go but I ripped it off too! HAHAHAHA”. I could see the grasshopper where she put it down… struggling to jump out of the busy field. The only thing I could think of was whether it was appropriate to put it out of its misery.

I am not exaggerating when I say this happened it the span of five minutes. It really did. It was horrible. They aren’t doing anything technically wrong, they are actually encouraged to go out and find bugs. Why are they so sadistic? This is not even the end of it, either. The kids also allowed to keep pets… we have eight. I’ll save their stories for another day.

In the meantime I will be thinking of ways to punish my kids for torturing little critters… I may need some help since the only thing I can think of is torturing them in return. Sigh…

Until next time,

-Maxim
Help Us!

The Four Year Old Artist

When I was very young I took art classes. My mom would invite all my friends to my house, and paid someone to come and teach us art. I don’t know how old I was but it was probably around kindergarten. My mom recently told me that I created some sort of clay sculpture that the art teacher said was absolutely ingenious. She also said I was better than anyone in the class and I should continue to pursue art to nurture my “gift”. I have no recollection of this and my mom said that this sculpture was broken shortly after I made it, though, I can imagine how it probably looked. Judging from other pieces of art I created from this time, it was probably a formless blob. Yes, my formless clay blob was a work of frickin’ genius.

Warping back to today, I can only wonder where all my artistic talent has gone. Today at work I was urged by some kindergarteners to draw something for them. I drew an awesome stick-figure, sticking his tongue out, giving the thumbs up sign. I was ridiculed by the group of girls for the next hour (I get ridiculed a lot, by the way). They showed me all the awesome art that they’ve drawn, and it was incredible… well, for kindergartners. But these six year olds girls were light years ahead of me. They then took my drawing and ran all over showing it to as many people as they could. Everyone laughed at me. Then for the rest of recess they continuously snook up behind me and slapped me hard in the back for my indiscretion. That shit hurt.

So anyway, this 4 year old australian girl is getting a lot of attention in the art community. She has an exhibition of her work showing in New York, and she is getting offers up to 30,000 dollars for one piece. I got to say the amount of hoola-hoops people are going through to peg this girl as an art prodigy are absolutely staggering.

First, lets take a look at two of her featured works:

Get it? No? Here are some explanations the artist gave while showing off her work. I took the liberty to mark the parts of the paintings she is talking about.

"That's corral, and that is a corralSSS, and that is the dolphin waving to the rock".

"That is the river, and that is the boat with allllll of the rrrainbow...uhh. b-b-birdies going to their mommy. And thats the...errr. baby bird coming to the same mommy".

So what genre of art would you put these paintings in? If the first thing that came to your head was “abstract expressionism with a dash of surrealism”, you’re right! That’s what the art community is calling her work. Now take a moment and think back to my clay blob… or any kids art for that matter. Expressing themselves? Check. Abstract? Check. Why? Because usually kids can’t draw for shit. You know it’s true. How many times does a kid come up to their parents and say “Look what I drew in class today!” and the parents goes “Ohhh… what a cute puppy!” and the child replies “It’s not a puppy, it’s a horseshoe crab…asshole!” and runs away crying. I challenge this girl to paint anything that isn’t blobs of paint with glued on dolphins. Seriously.

A big reason why they’re claiming that she’s a real artist, and not just some kid throwing paint around, is because she’s consistent. The gallery director, Angela di Bello, explains that her children were painters as well. But her children’s painting didn’t look the same each time, they weren’t consistant. That’s why they weren’t real artists. Remember those girls who made fun of me today for my stick figure drawing? Yeah, they were pretty awesome at drawing but, the one thing is, all their drawings looked exactly the fucking same. They just draw the same things over and over again. Thats what  kids do. They like princesses? They’re gonna draw a hundred princesses. Princess needs a pony? Yeah, those hundred princesses are each getting their pony.

You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah, that all may be true, but these paintings look a lot better than my kids paintings.” Wanna know why? If your child showed an interest in painting, most parents would give their kids some water colors and a sheet of paper. This girls parents are artists. They’ve been giving their daughter unlimited professional paints and canvases literally since she was in diapers. They basically put her in a room with a canvas, paint, and toys and tell her to go at it. Tell me, what kid couldn’t do that?

So, one’s gotta ask… Who’s getting the money from all these paintings? Certainly not the little kid. Yeah, it’s the parents. Fucking assholes.

Anyway, if you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, watch this video. And pay extra attention to the little girl. She’s, well…special.