Sleepy Saturdays: Berries and Cream

Welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

During my college years, I was a funny man. I was a clownish man. I was a…berries man. Not really, but everyone said I was, all because of this commercial. It defined my freshman year.

Well, apparently this guy is my twin. And you know what… I can see it.

Have a great weekend!

-Maxim

Berries and Cream

My Kids Like to Torture Pets Too

TMNTLast time on Maxim’s Madness we discussed my displeasure with how my students treated bugs. Throwing them like toys, ripping off their legs and presenting them to me as presents; great habits to allow a child to develop. Well, it doesn’t stop there. Despite the knowledge that these kids are sadistic, their teachers allow them to keep scores of pets, and task them to take care of them. We all had some sort of class pet growing up, sure, but I think these kids have you beat. Why you ask? It’s all solved by a little count.

Currently we have:
Two rabbits
A rooster
Not one, Not two, not three, not four, but FIVE turtles
A praying mantis

Can you believe it? What kind of crazy fucked in the head teacher would allow a group of kids so many pets? It blows my mind. Now you’re probably thinking, well, they can’t be that bad…at least they’re alive, right? Wrong. I present to you my evidence.

Turtles be fucked

First the turtles. Our kids always have at least one turtle. There are turtles appearing and disappearing and reappearing all the time. On one faithful day a couple of months ago, the kids found a very large turtle next to a river that runs next to us. Of course, the kids wanted to keep it as a pet, and from some inspiration from hell, the teachers agreed. Now this was a big fucking turtle. I mean, on par with some of the biggest turtles I had ever seen. I mean I’ve seen bigger in like an aquarium or something, but this is the wild! Those aquarium turtles don’t actually exist. Anyway, so imagine your laptop that was a turtle… maybe a little bit taller…thicker… that’s the turtle. It was a BIG turtle! So the teachers agreed to keep the it…only problem? Where the fuck they gonna keep a big fucking huge turtle? The usual place we keep turtles is a slightly larger than average bucket (no joke). So the teachers decided to put the big ass turtle in the bucket the size of the turtle. The kids loved it. Seeing the the turtle struggle to get out. Never being able to. Awesome. Kids laughter. Precious. Big turtle. Fun. Oh yeah, innocence. That turtle died in two weeks. They liked it enough to dig it a grave at least… what the fuck.

It’s not like they treat their normal sized turtles any better. Yeah, instead of one big turtle taking up all the room in the bucket, they put five in there. No rocks to lay on, nothing. The kids job is to change the water everyday and feed them, but in the process they have to remove the turtles from their bucket. So in the meantime they run around with the turtles like they are superturtles. Also when they finally put them back in their bucket they set aside a couple of minutes to shake up their water bucket to help the with turtle earthquake training (I guess?). Again, these aren’t the same kids day in and day out. Different kids have to clean the bucket each week. This is a be mean to animals epidemic. I need to kick the kids heads in one of these days.

Praying mantis death tribunal

Here’s a shorter, yet more direct story about our praying mantis. I have less experience with the torture these kids gave this poor guy, though I do know two important facts. First, the fairly large praying mantis is being kept in an old pencil case. Most people wold stop here and be like, “okay, that’s sad”, but it doesn’t stop. It actually gets worse. Second, the teacher had a meeting with the class to tell them that the school had run out of food for the mantis, and at this rate it probably die from starvation if nothing was done. Being the classes pet, she asked for some of the kids opinions, so they could have a vote on what to do. Here were the three main sides:

1. “I don’t care, I want it”
2. “Put another one in so it can die with a friend”
And the minority opinion 3. “We should let it go”

In the end, the class was unable to come to a consensus and the bug stayed where it was.
Awesome Praying Mantis
Okay….JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST! Am I some sort of liberal animal loving freak? Am I weird? Tell me! Is the whole world mad?!?!

I’m glad I vented all of that out. Sorry it took two whole posts to do it!

My Kids Like to Torture Bugs

Magnifying Glass MurderI don’t usually write rapid reactions to things that happened to me today, or even yesterday on Maxim’s Madness. I let them fester. I write careful satire and funny observations, constantly rereading and editing to see what lies or fibs I can add to my stories to make them better. Not lies, but…you know what I mean. Well anyway, today I am going to make an exception. I cannot let what happened to me today go untold, and I need to say this while it’s fresh. There is a tragedy of epic proportions going on in Japan and no ones seems to want to talk about it. I alluded to it a couple of months ago, but didn’t go too in depth. Here comes the rant.

Little fucking kindergartners in Japan are fuckin’ sadist freaks. There, I said it. Their teachers don’t do anything to stop then either. The daily torturing of animals I witness is just heartbreaking. Of course back in the day you always had that one kid in your class who liked to collect bugs, or burn ants with a magnifying glass, whatever, It was one kid. Well, imagine that kid times how ever many kintergarten kids there are in Japan. No bullshit.

The following events all took place within five minutes of each other.

As soon as I get to work today I have a young girl kindly inform me that they had found… something. Actually she said a Japanese word, “mimizu”, but I had no idea what that was. She kindly pointed me to where the action was and I went to investigate. I soon found out what “mimuzu” was, earthworms. They had found a bunch of earthworms after digging in some flowerbeds. Well, they were flowerbeds… yeah. As soon as I saw the worms the kids detected my distaste for them immediately. I did not want to be near those worms. I hate worms. One girl came in close to show me what she had found and I sort of backed off and told her “I see it fine from here. Very good!”. That wasn’t enough, she wanted me to hold it… or something. She came closer, I backed away. Big mistake. It suddenly became a game of “Let’s try and get Maxim to touch the worm”. Seconds later I was running across the field with 10 screaming kindergarteners running after me with worms. They won in the end. At least they were content with only pressing it against my clothes a bunch of times, never my skin. They then proceeded to take the worms and feed them to the birds. Poor worms… Next incident.

A minute later I get sucked into a giant game of tag. That’s usual enough. While in persuit of one particularly slimey child, I felt something hit me in the back. It didn’t hurt or anything, but obviously as a teacher I don’t take kidnly to having stuff being thrown at me. I turned around and found the laughing culprit right behind me. He quickly scoured to pick up what he threw at me, and threw it at me again. He missed, but this time I got a good look at what he was throwing at me. It was a fairly large grasshopper, fighting desperatly to get out of the demon child’s clutches. Horrified, I yelled at the kid that you shouldn’t throw a living thing like a toy, and to think about how the grasshopper feels. He responded to that by picking it up again and throwing it at his friend, who then picked it up and threw it back. I pleaded with the boys to let the poor soul go, but they said nothing and ran off with it. No idea what happened to the thing… probably dead. Next incident.

Literally the second after they ran off, the same girl who had been chasing me with worms came back to present me with a smaller grasshopper she had found. Having just been through a much worse ordeal, and with the grasshopper seemed to be in decent enough shape (living), I congratulated her, but also told her her I would be happy if she let it go. She did, to my surprise. However, soon after she put it down she ran back to me laughing, “Max, look!!!! It’s the grasshoppers leg! I let it go but I ripped it off too! HAHAHAHA”. I could see the grasshopper where she put it down… struggling to jump out of the busy field. The only thing I could think of was whether it was appropriate to put it out of its misery.

I am not exaggerating when I say this happened it the span of five minutes. It really did. It was horrible. They aren’t doing anything technically wrong, they are actually encouraged to go out and find bugs. Why are they so sadistic? This is not even the end of it, either. The kids also allowed to keep pets… we have eight. I’ll save their stories for another day.

In the meantime I will be thinking of ways to punish my kids for torturing little critters… I may need some help since the only thing I can think of is torturing them in return. Sigh…

Until next time,

-Maxim
Help Us!

Culty Kyushu

Kyushu MapI had a couple of three day weekends over the past month and I decided to take advantage and go on a nice three day and two night vacation. The destination? Kyushu, one of the four major Japanese islands. Since coming to Japan I have only visited two of the these islands, Honshu and Shikoku, and to eager to discover some new places. So how was my trip? Well, the easiest way to describe it would be to say… it was very culty. That’s right culty. It would be easy for the untrained eye to walk across this island and not see anything particularly out of the normal other than the usual Japanese idiosyncrasies. However, what I witnessed in my three days traveling around this large island was frightening to say the least.
Fukuoka Food Stands
The first five minutes after arriving were normal enough, me and my travel companion had to kill time between our train arrival and our bus departure in Fukuoka, the biggest city on the island. We decided to walk around and search for some illusive street venders which were supposedly famous in the city. We couldn’t find one. Very curious indeed. How could a city famous for its food on the street, have none anywhere to be found? Cult activity? Hmmm.

On our way back from our long walk we stumbled upon a large Buddhist temple. The temple seemed pretty popular since loads of cars were going in and out. They even needed a guy directing traffic outside. Thinking it was possibly some famous attraction in the city, we went inside the walls. It took us ten seconds to figure out something wasn’t quite right. This was no temple, it was more like an office complex, with weird symbols gilded on every orifice. A sudden feeling of dread took over me. Flash backs to my own cult experience filled my mind as we ran past the guard to get out of there. Did I mention that the cult I had joined was founded in Kyushu? Did I tell you that? It’s kind of important. Anyway, my friend informed me that since we had entered the grounds, the tracker implants that my cult had injected into me unknowingly, had probably triggered alarms at the main cult base, and that they would be after me. Crap! In the end, no secret cult agents came pouring out to get us, but the idea did keep us on edge for the rest of the vacation.
Saigondenji Temple
The next incident came during our second day of vacation. We were chillin’ around an active volcano called Mount Aso. We were walking around the area when we came across the ruins of an old Buddhist temple. My friend, being a real working archeologist, did a quick survey of the area. After about a minute he was able to determine the cause of its destruction, fire. We couldn’t say when it burned down but it was fairly being that all the trees and were burnt to shit and the ground all the metal around was warped to all hell. We thought about the nature of fire for a second. Fire…fire…fire… We looked at each other and quickly came to the same realization. Fire? Burned down Buddhist temple? Those dirty cults, they struck again. You could feel the sacrilege in the air, the hatred, the suffering. Needless to say we got out of there real quick.
Ken-chans
Next incident. On that same day we set up camp in a town called Takachiho. The area is famous for its place in Japanese mythology. We found a hotel quickly enough, and even did a little sightseeing before we decided to get unhealthily drunk. We had eyed an interesting looking bar/restaurant (called an “izakaya” in Japan) when we arrived, so we decided to go honor the funny looking establishment with our patronage. We went inside and was greeted by a man wearing large glasses with perfectly circular lenses, and a greased back 1950’s style yakuza haircut. He directed us to the counter. The very large barkeep, and owner of the place, was quick to inform us that he was a karate and boxing master, and to look at the photos of himself plastered all over the restaurant. Most of the photos were idealized pictures of the bartender in a sea of clouds wearing traditional garb and inspirational messages written in large fonts. Not only was this picture all over the bar, but on three or four large flags waving in the wind outside. It was obvious at that point that we had walked right into a cult base. We finished our food and drink and got out as soon as we could, not after cautiously accepting a clear unknown drink from the man which may have been brainwashing potion.

We had planned to get out of the cult populated town early the next morning, but the bus we planned to get on was conveniently full. We had to wait for another five hours for the next one. We decided we probably shouldn’t stay in one place to avoid detection, so we began circling around the area, not frequenting one place for more than a half hour. However, when we stopped to eat in a place we chose for its lack of customers, as soon as we sat down a group of young people came in. They numbered seven and by the looks of them (skinny jeans, bandanas, and long hair) they were trouble. For a while none of them did anything suspicious and we were beginning to feel a little bit at ease, but then came the look. A girl, the obvious leader of the group, sporting wild long black hair and fake eyelashes, turned her head and began to stare at us, mouth slightly opened, eyes wide. I looked at her back, but she continued to stare. A staring contest ensued. I nodded at her, a “ok, please stop staring at me now” sort of desperate nod. She nodded back, but she wouldn’t look away, mouth still slightly open. She was salivating. My heart beat faster. I was scared. I was no match for her mouth derived powers. We quickly ran out of the store, but the cult outriders were soon on our backs. They chased us around until we begged a passing bus to let us on. We never would of gotten away if we hadn’t suddenly became parkour masters. Driving away we could see them dissolve into cultish mist through the back window.

The time finally came for our bus, and we were glad to leave. It was the scariest experience of our lives. How could an island as big as Kyushu be so densly populated by crazy cultists who want to burn us at the stake? Needless to say, I’m back safe in the normal Japan, where you find only the occasional cult. It’s a good feeling to be alive after a brush of death. Won’t be going back anytime soon…unless… unless they tracked my movements back here. Woah. I forgot about the tracker. Crap, better hide.

See you next time?

-Maxim

Ken-chan
Ken-chans worker

Reading Rainbow Flash Mob: My Ideas

Reading RainbowRumor has it that LeVar Burton and some unnamed organization are planning to do a Reading Rainbow themed flash mob . This is possibly the best idea ever imagined. What isn’t available, and I think everyone in their right mind wants to know, are the details of what, when, and where this thing is going down! I’m thinking that they don’t quite know exactly what they want to do yet. Of course they want it to be frickin’ awesome, but maybe the talent and ideas around LeVar are lacking. Well, if they want a great idea look no further than your trusty blogger, Maxim. I have come up with a genius Reading Rainbow flash mob idea that is surely the best ever conceived. It is kind of complicated though, so I split it up into several parts for easy understanding. In addition this plan may need police and fire department cooperation in order for everyone not to get arrested. I guess you could say it’s a bit dangerous.

Part 1: The Book Burning
Book burning
The first part of my incredible flash mob is to stage a very large Nuremberg style book burning, led by a bunch of actors who happen to resemble neo-nazis. Everyone participating in this book burning will be part of the show. The mob shouldn’t be burning just any sort of books, they should all be burning children’s books. The neo-nazi actors will spur hate speech and angry anti-children book rhetoric, specifically targeting the lies that those kinds of books teach children. For example, something like how the book “Sunny With A Chance of Meatballs” lies to children about weather patterns, and consequently destroys our competitiveness in the sciences worldwide. Obviously, the bigger mob the mob, the bigger the fire and attention it will receive, so we want it to be big. I would recommend everyone bring at least 3-4 books to burn.

Part 2: The Pleading Onlooker
Think of the children
A woman will run on stage, grab the mic from the neo-nazi lookalikes and plead with the audience to stop what they are doing, and of course to think of the children. The grumpy neo-nazis will stage a struggle with the woman for the mic. They grab her, but before they can to take the mic out of her hands she screams one more thing: “HELP, HELP! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” That’s his cue.

Part 3: The Entrance

Suddenly, from large hidden speakers cleverly placed around the area, a sexy heavenly voice from above, LeVar, will say: “Did somebody say…children?” This begins the reading rainbow song. Well, not the actual song, you know, the part with the fluttering butterfly, and the nameless instrument sound thingy? The crowd will quiet and stop throwing their books. Enter the dashing LeVar Burton onto the scene. He will be riding on top of a parade float that looks like a giant rainbow with hundred of suspended books floating like butterflies. LeVar jumps off the float, backflips onto the stage, does another flip, high kicks the neo-nazi actors (who also happen to be stuntmen) and throws them into the fire, burning them alive. LeVar stands there for a while, looking like a complete badass in front of silenced crowd. He picks up the microphone from off the floor. “Don’t. Burn. Books” he says. A members from the mob scream, “Why”? He replies, “I’ll tell you why”.
High-Kick
Part 4: The Song and Dance

LeVar erupts into song, “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high…”. A lone man from the book burning mob sings “Take a look”, another woman sings “It’s in a book” and then crowd erupts into chorus “Reading Rainbow!”. After that LeVar keeps singing and the dancing begins. I was thinking that everyone be would be part of a pre-arranged color coded rainbow team wearing pre-arranged clothing of that color. That way they could make all sorts of cool rainbow formations. I’ll leave all that to an awesome choreographer, not my specialty.

So there you have it! Truly amazing isn’t it? And nothing like this has even been done before, I can assure you. So LeVar, if you were to ever do this, it would immortalize you as the god of flash mobbing and high kicking forever, guaranteed. Just letting you know.

Hope it happens!

-Maxim

P.S. Fun fact- I was actually on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was a kid, and got a chance to meet LeVar. Well, not really meet… but I did get his autograph! It was an episode on carousels, and they used the carousel around my house for the opening and ending sequence. At the end, he does his signature “See ya next time” all of us ran into the carousel and for the ending credits we’re all riding it. I got to sit one horse away from Levar. I got two or three closeups, too! Best moment of my life?

The Great Heist

Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
The Heist

America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.

Until next time,

Maxim

P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?