I’m going to try and make this next blog post sound the least like an advertisement as I can, but it’s going to be incredibly hard. I have found something incredible. It makes me feel young, as young as a baby fresh out of the womb. It makes me want to touch myself. Not just touch, stroke, caress. It gives me pleasure. It make me happy. No, it’s not masturbation. Though equally amazing, I found out about that years ago. No, I am talking about Sabon hand scrub.

On my last trip to America, I had was drinking some beers and smoking from a pipe, when a mystical Greek woman told me about a soap company from Israel. People would come from all over the world would come to New York and seek out this place. She explained that in every store, they had a magical fountain activated by stepping on a weight activated plate, kind of like that temple in Indiana Jones. You would then try out different scrubs creams from far off and wondrous lands, giving you the power of amazing skin for all time. Well, needless to say, I was intrigued. I went out as soon as possible in search of this mystic store. I found it, just where the Greek said it would be. I went in. There was a magical fountain, again just like she said. The woman in the store asked me if I would like to try it out. “Oh, yes”, I replied. When I put my hands into the fountain, my life changed forever.

Why?

Well, do you want your skin to feel like a babies butt? How about your entire body? I can’t think of anyone who would say no to that question. Well, that’s what this cream/salt weird concoction does to your skin. You scoop up a big pink blob with a nice wooden spoon, rub your hands with it for a minute, and just like that your hands feel like they’ve been re-inserted into a woman’s uterus, cooked for 9 months and birthed out again anew. It is incredible.

I urge you guys to re-virginize your dirty hands and go out to buy/steal this stuff immediately. It really does make masturbating so much nicer.

-Maxim