September 11th, 2001
Location: 127 East 22nd Street, New York, NY; school.
Craziest day of my life. Some had crazier.
Shout out to my New York peeps.
Happy Birthday, sis.
Hello, and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays. Having spent a lot of time by myself in my life, I think I am able to loook at myself and observe any possible quirks I may have better than someone who is not myself. That being said I think I have found one that merits some attention.
At home, I find I often only wear one sock.
I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know when it started. Most times I don’t even know how I got down to only one sock, as if I enter some sort of mental black hole. All I know is that it happens and its slightly weird.
Have any of you heard of anything like this? I would certainly like an explanaition as to someone would only wear one sock, as I do not know myself. Confused!
Rumor has it that LeVar Burton and some unnamed organization are planning to do a Reading Rainbow themed flash mob . This is possibly the best idea ever imagined. What isn’t available, and I think everyone in their right mind wants to know, are the details of what, when, and where this thing is going down! I’m thinking that they don’t quite know exactly what they want to do yet. Of course they want it to be frickin’ awesome, but maybe the talent and ideas around LeVar are lacking. Well, if they want a great idea look no further than your trusty blogger, Maxim. I have come up with a genius Reading Rainbow flash mob idea that is surely the best ever conceived. It is kind of complicated though, so I split it up into several parts for easy understanding. In addition this plan may need police and fire department cooperation in order for everyone not to get arrested. I guess you could say it’s a bit dangerous.
Part 1: The Book Burning
The first part of my incredible flash mob is to stage a very large Nuremberg style book burning, led by a bunch of actors who happen to resemble neo-nazis. Everyone participating in this book burning will be part of the show. The mob shouldn’t be burning just any sort of books, they should all be burning children’s books. The neo-nazi actors will spur hate speech and angry anti-children book rhetoric, specifically targeting the lies that those kinds of books teach children. For example, something like how the book “Sunny With A Chance of Meatballs” lies to children about weather patterns, and consequently destroys our competitiveness in the sciences worldwide. Obviously, the bigger mob the mob, the bigger the fire and attention it will receive, so we want it to be big. I would recommend everyone bring at least 3-4 books to burn.
Part 2: The Pleading Onlooker
A woman will run on stage, grab the mic from the neo-nazi lookalikes and plead with the audience to stop what they are doing, and of course to think of the children. The grumpy neo-nazis will stage a struggle with the woman for the mic. They grab her, but before they can to take the mic out of her hands she screams one more thing: “HELP, HELP! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” That’s his cue.
Part 3: The Entrance
Suddenly, from large hidden speakers cleverly placed around the area, a sexy heavenly voice from above, LeVar, will say: “Did somebody say…children?” This begins the reading rainbow song. Well, not the actual song, you know, the part with the fluttering butterfly, and the nameless instrument sound thingy? The crowd will quiet and stop throwing their books. Enter the dashing LeVar Burton onto the scene. He will be riding on top of a parade float that looks like a giant rainbow with hundred of suspended books floating like butterflies. LeVar jumps off the float, backflips onto the stage, does another flip, high kicks the neo-nazi actors (who also happen to be stuntmen) and throws them into the fire, burning them alive. LeVar stands there for a while, looking like a complete badass in front of silenced crowd. He picks up the microphone from off the floor. “Don’t. Burn. Books” he says. A members from the mob scream, “Why”? He replies, “I’ll tell you why”.
Part 4: The Song and Dance
LeVar erupts into song, “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high…”. A lone man from the book burning mob sings “Take a look”, another woman sings “It’s in a book” and then crowd erupts into chorus “Reading Rainbow!”. After that LeVar keeps singing and the dancing begins. I was thinking that everyone be would be part of a pre-arranged color coded rainbow team wearing pre-arranged clothing of that color. That way they could make all sorts of cool rainbow formations. I’ll leave all that to an awesome choreographer, not my specialty.
So there you have it! Truly amazing isn’t it? And nothing like this has even been done before, I can assure you. So LeVar, if you were to ever do this, it would immortalize you as the god of flash mobbing and high kicking forever, guaranteed. Just letting you know.
Hope it happens!
P.S. Fun fact- I was actually on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was a kid, and got a chance to meet LeVar. Well, not really meet… but I did get his autograph! It was an episode on carousels, and they used the carousel around my house for the opening and ending sequence. At the end, he does his signature “See ya next time” all of us ran into the carousel and for the ending credits we’re all riding it. I got to sit one horse away from Levar. I got two or three closeups, too! Best moment of my life?
Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.
“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”
The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.
The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.
Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.
Until next time,
P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?
Hello everyone, and happy Saturday! Typhoon rocking its way through Japan at the moment and I find myself right in the center. Fun! I’ll have more on that later this week, but I just want you all to know that maybe a little spies boyfriend had something to do with it. REVENGE!
In this edition of our weekly, too hung over to read a lot, blog posting, I would like to show you a simple video. Not just any other video, this video made me cry. Now a lot of you are saying, “That isn’t funny. What the fuck, Maxim?” Well, let me explain. This blog was founded on the principles of self-humilation and emasculation. If you don’t find emasculating me funny, there’s something wrong with you.
Normal people will look at this video, think its pretty corney, and that would be the end of it. Me on the other hand, have not been able to escape from the grasp of this video since they day I first saw it almost three years ago. It has burrowed into my heart and soul so deep, I dare say I may not be free of its grasp until the day I die. So do what you will, call me a bitch, a pussy, or any other slur about my manhood. I’m going to take it in stride, in fact I encourage it. And who knows, maybe it will pull at one of you cold bastard’s emotional heartstrings as well. Ok, so enough blabbering, here’s the video…
So that’s it. I cried like a baby. Even after all the countless viewings over all these years, when I watched that video again while writing this, tears came to my eyes. It’s some strange mix of Whitney Houston and lions that leaves me crawling for a tissue box. Again, I know some of you are heartless sons of bitches with no souls, but I want those of you who cried while watching this to speak up and show themselves. Be a man for gods sake. We can console in each other. Cuddle session?
Anyway, enjoy your weekend. It’s Saturday, wooo!
Welcome to another edition of the Monsters Around Town, where we introduce you to all sorts of different monsters living among us humans. This week we sat down with a big fan favorite, the Thing. You may remember him from a film of the same title, as the monster that takes over people’s bodies, impersonate them, tricks that persons friends into thinking it’s really the original person, then killing and impersonating all of the friends! Here’s our exclusive unedited interview.
*DISCLAMER* Maxim’s Madness does not condone monster racism, or any other form of discrimination. Any offensive comments made are the views of the interviewer, and not those of Maxim’s Madness.
MM: Where the hell is he? We’ve been waiting here hours for that frankie.
Intern: I don’t know, but it’s said he can take control over anyone’s body… so…maybe he’s already here. Maybe he’s been here for hours…inside one of us.
MM: First of all, it’s not a he or a she, it’s an IT. I don’t even know why they even make me interview these frankie assholes in the first place. They just want to eat us.
Assistant (Fred): Frankie is a very hateful word, Maxim.
MM: Whatcha talking about, Fred? You a frankie lover?
Assistant?: FrankenSTEIN was a great monster; he led our people from being mere forest dwellers to respected citizens accepted by society. You would do well to remember that. That’s part of the reason I agreed to do this show. To let people know the plight of–
MM: What do you mean our people? Wait…Thing?
Assistant (The Thing): Some people call me that.
MM: Thinnnggggggg. What’s up, man?
The Thing: Mm hmm.
MM: It was really hard to track you down, Thing. Are you always in somebody else’s body?
Assistant: You talking to me, boss?
MM: Boss? What? Fred?? The thing was just in you, dude! Where’d that frankie go?
Assistant: The Thing was in me? COOL!
*door opens, closes again*
Jeff Bridges: Over here. I thought I told you to stop using that hateful word.
MM: What the…Thing? You took over Jeff Bridges? The Dude? Look at that frankieover there. The Dude is the fucking MAN!
Thing: He is one of my vassals. And with him, I will teach you a lesson. That word brings my people pain, and disrespects our leader. Now I will cause you pain.
*The Thing takes a knife and stabs himself(Jeff Bridges) in the gut*
MM: Oh, dear god! You fucking frankie! You stabbed the Dude! How could you stab the fucking DUDE?
The Thing: I will…ahggggggggh… kill…aackhh…everyone…kkaaaakchhh…you love! Don’t call us…graaaghwaawa… frankies.
MM: Shit. Is he dead?
Intern: Looks pretty dead…
MM: I mean the frankie.
*door opens and closes*
Kim Kardashian: I am not dead. Will this body give me your attention?
MM: By the way, are you give the Dude a proper burial or you just going to leave him there?
The Thing: …are you going to ask me a question?
MM: That is a question. You know you have to give his ashes to the wind… spread them into the sea… it’s the Lebowski way… or do you frankies don’t even give us that courtesy? You just eat us, or stab us in the gut!
*The Thing reaches out and touches the bulge in Maxim’s pants*
The Thing: How is that. Will you ask a question now? Look, I’m beautiful.
MM: Dudeeee, the frankie is touching my balls, gross! You gay or something? Have it your way frankie. Ok, question, how are you taking over all these famous peoples bodies so quickly?
The Thing: I have a dungeon. A dungeon of celebrities.
MM: So why pick Kim Kardashian? She’s a bitch.
The Thing: I like to look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful.
MM: Uhh, gay. And who else you got in this celeb dungeon of yours?
The Thing: Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber, Gene Simmons…
MM: GENE SIMMONS?
The Thing: Gene Simmons.
MM: SHOW ME GENE SIMMONS!
The Thing: You don’t make demands to the Th—
MM: Don’t make me ask twice, forest frankie. Just show me Gene Simons.
The Thing: I will. But you must promise to give me some time to explain more about that hateful word. Also, if you say it again I may not be able to hold back my aggression towards you…
MM: Right, right, monsters, frankies, whatever. Now show me the Simmons!
The Thing: Wait here.
*Kim Cardashien leaves*
MM: This is gonna to be great.
*Door opens, closes*
Gene Simmons: Here he is.
MM: GEORGEOUS! I love Gene Simmons! Can I touch your tongue? Yes? Thanks! Boy, is it getting hot in here, or what? I LOVE Gene SIMMONSSS! And I thought I would only be interviewing boring frankies for the rest of my life.
The Thing: ffffffffFFFFFFRRAAAAANKKKKKIEEEEEEE!?
MM:Oh, shit! Gotta run!
And there you have it! Keep checking back for more interviews with the Monsters Around Town. If you have any suggestion for future interviews, please make your voice heard in the comments section!