The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Thing

Welcome to another edition of the Monsters Around Town, where we introduce you to all sorts of different monsters living among us humans. This week we sat down with a big fan favorite, the Thing. You may remember him from a film of the same title, as the monster that takes over people’s bodies, impersonate them, tricks that persons friends into thinking it’s really the original person, then killing and impersonating all of the friends! Here’s our exclusive unedited interview.
The Thing
*DISCLAMER* Maxim’s Madness does not condone monster racism, or any other form of discrimination. Any offensive comments made are the views of the interviewer, and not those of Maxim’s Madness.
MM: Where the hell is he? We’ve been waiting here hours for that frankie.

Intern: I don’t know, but it’s said he can take control over anyone’s body… so…maybe he’s already here. Maybe he’s been here for hours…inside one of us.

MM: First of all, it’s not a he or a she, it’s an IT. I don’t even know why they even make me interview these frankie assholes in the first place. They just want to eat us.

Assistant (Fred): Frankie is a very hateful word, Maxim.

MM: Whatcha talking about, Fred? You a frankie lover?

Assistant?: FrankenSTEIN was a great monster; he led our people from being mere forest dwellers to respected citizens accepted by society. You would do well to remember that. That’s part of the reason I agreed to do this show. To let people know the plight of–

MM: What do you mean our people? Wait…Thing?

Assistant (The Thing): Some people call me that.

MM: Thinnnggggggg. What’s up, man?

The Thing: Mm hmm.

MM: It was really hard to track you down, Thing. Are you always in somebody else’s body?

Assistant: You talking to me, boss?

MM: Boss? What? Fred?? The thing was just in you, dude! Where’d that frankie go?

Assistant: The Thing was in me? COOL!

*door opens, closes again*

Jeff Bridges: Over here. I thought I told you to stop using that hateful word.

MM: What the…Thing? You took over Jeff Bridges? The Dude? Look at that frankieover there. The Dude is the fucking MAN!

The Dude

Thing: He is one of my vassals. And with him, I will teach you a lesson. That word brings my people pain, and disrespects our leader. Now I will cause you pain.
*The Thing takes a knife and stabs himself(Jeff Bridges) in the gut*

MM: Oh, dear god! You fucking frankie! You stabbed the Dude! How could you stab the fucking DUDE?

The Thing: I will…ahggggggggh… kill…aackhh…everyone…kkaaaakchhh…you love! Don’t call us…graaaghwaawa… frankies.

*collapses*

MM: Shit. Is he dead?

Intern: Looks pretty dead…

MM: I mean the frankie.

*door opens and closes*

Kim Kardashian: I am not dead. Will this body give me your attention?

MM: Thiiiingggggg! You got hot!
Kim Kardashian
The Thing: I was told this was going to be an interview so…

MM: By the way, are you give the Dude a proper burial or you just going to leave him there?

The Thing: …are you going to ask me a question?

MM: That is a question. You know you have to give his ashes to the wind… spread them into the sea… it’s the Lebowski way… or do you frankies don’t even give us that courtesy? You just eat us, or stab us in the gut!

*The Thing reaches out and touches the bulge in Maxim’s pants*

The Thing: How is that. Will you ask a question now? Look, I’m beautiful.

MM: Dudeeee, the frankie is touching my balls, gross! You gay or something? Have it your way frankie. Ok, question, how are you taking over all these famous peoples bodies so quickly?

The Thing: I have a dungeon. A dungeon of celebrities.

MM: So why pick Kim Kardashian? She’s a bitch.

The Thing: I like to look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful.

MM: Uhh, gay. And who else you got in this celeb dungeon of yours?

The Thing: Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber, Gene Simmons…

MM: GENE SIMMONS?

The Thing: Gene Simmons.

MM: SHOW ME GENE SIMMONS!

The Thing: You don’t make demands to the Th—

MM: Don’t make me ask twice, forest frankie. Just show me Gene Simons.

The Thing: I will. But you must promise to give me some time to explain more about that hateful word. Also, if you say it again I may not be able to hold back my aggression towards you…

MM: Right, right, monsters, frankies, whatever. Now show me the Simmons!

The Thing: Wait here.

*Kim Cardashien leaves*

MM: This is gonna to be great.

*Door opens, closes*

Gene Simmons: Here he is.

MM: GEORGEOUS! I love Gene Simmons! Can I touch your tongue? Yes? Thanks! Boy, is it getting hot in here, or what? I LOVE Gene SIMMONSSS! And I thought I would only be interviewing boring frankies for the rest of my life.

The Thing: ffffffffFFFFFFRRAAAAANKKKKKIEEEEEEE!?

MM:Oh, shit! Gotta run!

And there you have it! Keep checking back for more interviews with the Monsters Around Town. If you have any suggestion for future interviews, please make your voice heard in the comments section!

Frankie

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Blob

I wonder how many people nowadays even remember this gelatinous ball of acidic goo. A single bacteria genetically mutated in space, comes back to earth to wreak havoc on us humans. The blob chills in its victims, on ceilings, even traveling through drain pipes to get what it wants, which is to quench its insatiable hunger.

It is the blob, and we sat down with it to ask some questions in this exclusive interview.

MM: So I just want to start off by saying I’m a big fan of yours. You know when I was young, I would always be afraid that you would come in through the vent above my toilet when I was taking a dump.

Blob: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, that’s classic. I was into that for a while. Not so much anymore, after the lawsuits.

MM: You know a lot of people think that you kill indiscriminately, but that’s not true is it?

Blob: No man, like all monsters, I got certain tastes. I mean, I do absorb my victims into my own being, so I got to choose carefully.

MM: So we got a lot of questions from our readers. A lot of them want to know how if you’ve ever gotten close to anyone? Or do you just eat everyone before you get that chance?

Blob: No, I go out with a bunch of guys in the neighborhood once in a while for a few drinks. That group has noticeably gotten smaller though. It’s hard to control my urges when drunk.

MM: I see. So we haven’t seen you around lately, what have you been up to?

Blob: Well, as you know I was mostly destroyed back in ’88. I’ve had to keep a low profile after that, so I opened up a small cat cafe in Portland, Oregon. I’m doing quite well for myself.

MM:Cat cafe?

Blob:Yeah, it’s all the rage in Japan. People come in and there are just a bunch of cats everywhere. People can order drinks and hang out with all the cats. It’s getting quite popular.

MM: There are actually places like that? I’ll have to stop by sometime. Big cat fan. So Blob, I have to ask you, you’re an acidic pile of goo with a taste for human flesh, how do you stop yourself from killing everyone and everything in site?

Blob: I have no comment on that.

MM: Hey, my assistants gone! Blob, you didn’t!

Blob: Hah hah!

Hope you enjoyed our interview with the famous Blob! And if you’re ever in the Portland area, don’t forget to check out his cafe, Witty Kitty Witty.

Until next time,

Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Monsters Under Your Bed

I never personally believed in this, but I’ve been giving it some seriously thought recently. If you actually believed that there were monsters under your bed, how frickin’ scary would that have been? Just some huge malevolent force chillin’ under your bed. These monsters don’t just appear out of nowhere. First you need something to give you idea; Steven Spielberg’s “Poltergeist” would work (the origin of all clown fears, damn clown monster). I must of seen this movie hundreds of times when I was a kid.

The next step is imagination, and a kids imagination can royally fuck them. Look at these real monsters that kids have come up with:



And there you have it. The basis for all mentally disturbed children. You think child abuse, and divorces fuck up children? Imagine a kid thinking there’s a huge thing trying to eat them under their bed all the time. No comparison.

-Maxim