Caught Vancouver Riot Looter Saves Tree the Same Night, All is Forgiven

A UBC Vancouver student, caught red handed on a YouTube video  looting a tuxedo store during the recent hockey riots, has been forgiven by the city for saving a tree from other, more violent, rioters.

Identified by netizens from the video, Camille Cacnio had received almost universal condemnation from citizens of Vancouver, and many other Canadians over her actions. Under pressure from intense criticism, she wrote one of the most classy apology letters of all time, blaming everyone and everything but herself for her crime, “The place (was) already broken into, most of the contents of the store have already been stolen, so what difference does it make if I take a couple things”?

Her brilliantly written 3500 word “apology letter”, evoking many aspects of sociology and psychology, and using a variety of sources from scientific journals, was extremely well received. Stating that she “did not even plan” to participate in a riot that day, and how “on a regular day (she) wouldn’t condone looting”, her letter was readily accepted by the community, despite doing both. “I was convinced”, commented a once angry Vancouverite, “At first I thought that her and the mob was an embarrassment to to all of Canada, but thanks to her letter, I realized that we were no better than the mob ourselves by calling her out on it”.

The pants looting thief Camille, after a brilliantly written 15 paragraph section, which skilfully informed everyone that she was the victim of mob mentality, particularly moved everyone with her next section of the letter, entitled, “If you still don’t believe I’m a good person”. It read:”As many of you already know, I am majoring in Conservation Biology at UBC. I strongly belirve(sic) in ecological conservation and sustainability. That night, I saw a few people that were trying to knock trees down. So what did I do? I yelled at them, saying “Pleaaseee, not the treees!!!!” And what did they do? They stopped. And I felt like a hero.”

“Until she shared that brave story with us, I wasn’t in her boat either”, said another Vancouverite. “She was a hero. We Canadians value each and every one of our billions of trees. After all, our flag is a leaf”. The mayor of Vancouver, also moved by her heroics, will be giving Cacnio the key to the city, and a criminal pardon for saving the tree.

Though there are still some unconvinced by the apology letter, they will probably be converted soon as an effigy of the hero Camille is raised next to the saved tree. That, and the key to the city ceremony will be on Friday.

What could of happened to the tree if Cacnio hadn't saved it...

External Links:
The genius apology letter
More on the looters of the Vancouver riots

The World Will End

In my previous post I mentioned something about some sort of something song that I wrote. Well, even though I can’t play the guitar or sing for shit, I still think it is a piece of lyrical genius. The song is still missing a bridge and a one verse, but I thought I would share it. It would be a crime not too. Again, I must advise all people reading the song to read it silently with the voice of Jack Black in your head. Words in all caps are there for emphasis. Use your Jack Black head voice to scream those parts.

The World Will End

by Maxim

It’s a nice nice sunny day

All the animals come to play

With those fuzzy wuzzy tails I want to touch!

 

One comes up close to me

And he says one simple thing

The world is gonna end… you’re gonna DIE!

 

It starts off slow at first with

*The thunder and the lightning

But the next thing you know

You’re  running from RABID BEARS

 

*Chorus*

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

We all need help

We’re so fucking screwed

 

People running scared

From all those rabid bears

Do not realize that it’s a trap

 

The bears have formed a pact

With the dogs and the cats

And soon that pet chiwawa has your HEAD

 

You thought it was a good idea

To put Snickle fritz on youtube

But little did you know

It has led to your doom.

 

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

Those dogs are pissed.

We’re so fucking screwed

 

Bob right down the street

Told me something neat

He said that there’s a way to save the earth!

 

He says we must go on a quest

Into the hornet’s nest

And kill that snickle fritz, YES, one and for all!

 

That chiwawa’s a beast

Don’t let his looks deceive you!

He’ll tear out your heart

And turn it to poo!

 

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

Snickle fritz!!!!!

We’re so fucking screwed

 

 

Thats all I have for now. Makes you wanna step on a couple of chiwawa’s heads doesn’t it? Still got to figure off how to kill of snicklefritz…that bitch.

Cya around, bloggies.

-Maxim