Do any of you read the news? Do the people writing the news even read what they are writing, because any sane person would of noticed something a little strange going on recently. I’m going to break the news to you right on this blog, because I believe I have a responsibility to the citizens of the world… and I don’t want to die.
I do read the news, often, and things like this don’t escape these keen eyes, no they don’t. I read two things in the news this past week. Yeah, sure, they were seemingly unrelated…one about a naturally occurring phenomenon and one about a breakthrough in scientific research. Sounds fun, right? Wrong. Although I had read them about a week apart from each other, as soon as I finished reading the second article, something clicked in my head. I read the article again, not knowing what this feeling could be. Suddenly my mind flashed back to an article I had read a week before. I read that one again, too. A feeling of dread swarmed over me, “I can’t believe we’ve actually come to this?” As the realization seeped through my brain as I read more and more, I suddenly blurted, “This is some 007 shit right here”. I couldn’t be more right.
So what the hell happened? First off is the development of a real life tractor beam. Yes, just like in Star Trek. You know, that beam that the Enterprise used whenever they wanted to stop a push around that asshole romulan, or grab some random space junk and put it into their cargo bay. Yeah, that. Think giant space net. Something that can pull shit using laser beams. And NASA is actually developing something like that. Yeah, I know most of you are thinking to yourselves, “Holy bajeezus! That is totally awesome sauce!”. Yeah, maybe. Listen to this next bit before you make any judgments.
You’ve probably heard about this one. A giant aircraft carrier sized meteor made a close flyby of earth last week. It’s come so close, it passed between the earth and the moon. No it didn’t hit, and had there was no possibility of it hitting, but shit man, It came between the earth and the moon! That’s pretty damn close. Like way too close!
So we had, A, the development of a real life tractor beam, and, B, a giant meteor making a close flyby of earth. I don’t think it takes a genius to realize why that made me worry. Who hasn’t seen a James Bond flick? Octopussy, or Goldfinger, or some other evil genius steals the blueprints of a giant tractor beam from NASA in a volcano, and threatens to use it on the passing meteor unless the world gives him billions of dollars! Doesn’t anyone else see this happening??? There is another flyby of a large meteor happening soon! There’s one in 2013, and in 2029! And that’s just the ones we know about. W Octopussy could of put millions of dollars into some crazy asteroid detecting radar. He could catch us off guard real quick. We need to up our defenses on this, guys. We need James Bond (or Austin Powers, he seems to get the job done too).