Oh, young Arnold. You sexy beast. Who could of known that you would become this blob of grossness in a speedo. Fuck it, I take it back. I’d do ’em both. LOVE YOU ARNIE!!!! ❤
A boxer before and after a fight. Before he’s so confident and sharp. And a lil’ angry lookin’. After he’s tilting his head like a sad puppy about to say “Ma-ma?”
Crystal meth addict. Before: Aww, I’m so sad…. I got arrested! Wah, wah, wah. After: YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I’M GONNA CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOU’RE THROAT RARAARAGA ARAGRAGRAGR AGRAGRAGRAGRARGARGRAGRARGARGAGRAGR!
I could tell as soon as I arrived that they were afraid. There I was, a Jew from Brooklyn. In Japan, I may as well of been Michael Jordan. Everyone stared at me with eager anticipation as I warmed up. A lot of people came up to ask me where I was from. I told them I was from New York City. Yes, the world Mecca of basketball New York fucking City bitch, what? Oh yeah, I was the fucking man. I finished my stretches, laced up my shoes, took a basketball, and walked out on the court. I hadn’t been on a court for a long time. It felt good. I walked towards the basket. I stop, set my feet, adjust my grip, and take my first shot. A collective gasp fills the room. An air ball. The basket is higher than I remember. I shoot again. I shoot too hard and it bounces off the top of the backboard and back into my hands. I then sloppily go in for a layup. I let go of the ball and it flows through the air, right over the basket. A guy realizes the truth and comes over to give me some pointers. Yes, I suck at basketball.
This is a sad story. Probably not for you, the reader, but for me, as a person. In Japan, as a foreign American guy, there are many preconceptions about you. For example, I’m supposed to speak none of the native tongue, only eat hamburgers, be fat, not be able to use chopsticks, love coffee to death, and mostly just be loud and obnoxious. These are things that a lot of Japanese not only think about of Americans, but most white non-Japanese in general. I have learned to accept these things, and politely (and sometimes not so politely) inform the person gawking at my use of chopsticks, that I have used them since I was twelve, and I learned how to in Brooklyn, NY from countless nights of Chinese takeout. But recently, there has been one thing thought of me that really hit me in the heart, because I wish it to be true. It also blew out in the open one of my misperceptions of Japanese people. It’s basketball. They think all Americans (even the white ones) are really good at basketball. And I thought (key word THOUGHT), that Japanese people were pretty lame at it (since they are all short or something).
Yeah, I was wrong. Most everyone I have played with so far is amazing. I am totally jealous. And most of them are just as tall, or taller than me. Most of the time. I end up massively disappointing every single person I play with. But there’s something deep inside the people I play with, even after seeing how terrible I am, that think I should have some sort of genetic disposition for playing. So despite them knowing fully well that I am atrocious, they play extra hard against me. The most talented, and scariest players defend me, and my fat ass has to run all over to defend them. They’ll be like, “MAXIM, YOU’RE MINE!” right before we start. All I can do is sigh and get my ass kicked.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake this notion that I should be good at basketball. It’s a sad reality. All I can do is show them quick that I suck, sit down, and take the beating that my white ass deserves.
Do you find you often procrastinate? Do you forget things? Is your desk usually a mess? Are you bored often? If you said “yes” to all (or some) of the above questions, don’t be alarmed… you just have adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Yes, the condition usually only associated with children is now estimated to affect an alarming 4% of all American adults. That’s like seven bajillion people. That means you. You’re probably thinking, “But those symptoms are so broad. Everyone is like that sometimes!” Think again, buster. Go to a psychologist immediately, because the consequences if you don’t could destroy your life and haunt you forever.
So you don’t believe me, huh? Check out some of these real stories and see how their lives were ruined by undiagnosed adult ADHD.
Heather Sinclair was a librarian at the public library. Despite her dynamic and ever challenging profession, she was bored at work often. Her mind would wander. After her shift was done she would often rush home to do things that she found entertaining. With her mind always wondering, she had forgotten to email her dad on his birthday. Heather’s father, who lived off the messages received from his children, was thrown into distress. He then died from a sudden onset of polyglandular Addison’s disease (an illness where sudden emotion shock can kill you). If she had only realized that she had a serious mental illness, she could of saved him the trauma, but no, she forgot. Her father is now dead because of it.
Here’s another one.
Sam Robinson was a 26 year old C average student at Kingsborough Community College. Sure, if you had asked him before, he would he would have told you that he’s just an average Joe, trying to get a better education. But all of his procrastination had deadly consequences. He had three midterms the next week and he hadn’t begun studying. He decided that doing the work was impossible, so instead, he enlisted the help of the Russian mob. He instructed them to hack into his professors computers and steal the answer keys. Little did he know that he was an idiot for asking the Russian mob to hack into anything to begin with. Instead, they found the professors and got the answers out of them by force. One of his professors tried to defend himself, and was killed in the struggle. When they came back to Sam and demanded more money for the extra work, he couldn’t pay and tried to get out of the deal. The mob didn’t take too kindly to this. They took his family hostage. He went to the police, and they killed his parents for his betrayal. Sam is now being kept under the witness protection program. If only he had realized that it could have all been avoided if he had just asked his drug dealing roommate for cocktail of Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Concerta, he would have been fine. Too late. His parents are dead. ADHD is to blame.
There are countless stories. And they all end the same way.
You’re still not convinced? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like it’s unnatural to sit at a desk for hours. Like its unnatural that you should want to do all tasks promptly. You think we evolved from cave people that magically had something exciting to do all the time? You think ADHD is a modern creation?!? You’re worse off than I thought.
I highly recommend that any people suffering from these symptoms go seek medical help immediately. We can only hope that you will reach those pills in time. All of your family’s lives depend on it.
Pee controls my life, and it probably controls yours. Pee can ruin a day. Pee can get on your clothes. Pee can enter your mouth. Pee can control minds. This isn’t bullshit. Our bladders are incredibly schixofrenic. Sometimes you feel like you just don’t have to pee at all all day, and it’s awesome. But sometimes your sitting in a really important meeting, or watching a movie, or doing anything that you want to do and you have to pee every 2 seconds. What is it about pee? Why is it sometimes I can be sitting down and just completely ignore my pee for hours, and other times, like right before I’m about to bang my GF, I get all conscious about my pee and it ruins everything. WHAT IS IT ABOUT PEE? Why hasn’t there been any technological advances with this crap (pee)? Sure we have fancy toilets and the like, but why do I have to get up and go to the bathroom anyway. We have portable music, portable computers, portable drinks (that cause me to pee), but when I got to do the most basic biological function, I got to run around drunk asking store managers at 3 in the morning to use their bathroom, and when they all reject me, having to just do it in the street like a savage. LIKE A SAVAGE! We need new technology. We need the iPee.
Pee Chances
Pee can change your life as well. How many times has pee changed the course of your day? Whether it’s waiting for someone to pee, or journeying around for that special place where you can let it go. You could have a chance encounter with someone special! You could find the love of your life because of your urge to pee. It’s totally possible. What else in the world is so regular, yet so profound.
Pee Conclusions
Everyone pees. Men pee, women pee, the President pees, Kim Jung Il pees. We are all connected in the fact that we pee. It can be annoying, but we can all be profoundly changed by its strange power.
How does pee affect your life?
Notes
Ladies rejoice! There is actually a “portible urination device” on the market for you guys! It’s called the “Shewee”. Yes, the SheWee. Holy jesus.
Were you one of those assholes who watched professional wrestling when you were a kid? Do you still watch it now? Really? What did you like about it I wonder? The muscles? The tights? The bulges? (My favorite part) The acting? Doesn’t really matter. I got good news for all you WWE “golden age” fanboys out there. Warp back to 1990 baby, because we got ourselves a good one, and this time…it’s for realz.
Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. They hate each other now more than ever. For reasons unknown except to the almighty wrestling gods, these two have begun their feud all over again. Hulk Hogan and his wife partner swapping whores? Hulk on all day coke binges? These are just some of the accusations coming from the the Warriors camp. Hulks reaction… I’m gonna sue the shit out of you!
*DING DING DING* HERE WE GO FOLKS! LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
It's Rocky VI all over again!
Yeah, Warrior! Give ’em that pre match smack talk!
Seriously, though, wtf. Why is the Warrior complaining that Hulks wanted him to screw his wife? That sounds awesome!
When I was very young I took art classes. My mom would invite all my friends to my house, and paid someone to come and teach us art. I don’t know how old I was but it was probably around kindergarten. My mom recently told me that I created some sort of clay sculpture that the art teacher said was absolutely ingenious. She also said I was better than anyone in the class and I should continue to pursue art to nurture my “gift”. I have no recollection of this and my mom said that this sculpture was broken shortly after I made it, though, I can imagine how it probably looked. Judging from other pieces of art I created from this time, it was probably a formless blob. Yes, my formless clay blob was a work of frickin’ genius.
Warping back to today, I can only wonder where all my artistic talent has gone. Today at work I was urged by some kindergarteners to draw something for them. I drew an awesome stick-figure, sticking his tongue out, giving the thumbs up sign. I was ridiculed by the group of girls for the next hour (I get ridiculed a lot, by the way). They showed me all the awesome art that they’ve drawn, and it was incredible… well, for kindergartners. But these six year olds girls were light years ahead of me. They then took my drawing and ran all over showing it to as many people as they could. Everyone laughed at me. Then for the rest of recess they continuously snook up behind me and slapped me hard in the back for my indiscretion. That shit hurt.
So anyway, this 4 year old australian girl is getting a lot of attention in the art community. She has an exhibition of her work showing in New York, and she is getting offers up to 30,000 dollars for one piece. I got to say the amount of hoola-hoops people are going through to peg this girl as an art prodigy are absolutely staggering.
First, lets take a look at two of her featured works:
Get it? No? Here are some explanations the artist gave while showing off her work. I took the liberty to mark the parts of the paintings she is talking about.
"That's corral, and that is a corralSSS, and that is the dolphin waving to the rock".
"That is the river, and that is the boat with allllll of the rrrainbow...uhh. b-b-birdies going to their mommy. And thats the...errr. baby bird coming to the same mommy".
So what genre of art would you put these paintings in? If the first thing that came to your head was “abstract expressionism with a dash of surrealism”, you’re right! That’s what the art community is calling her work. Now take a moment and think back to my clay blob… or any kids art for that matter. Expressing themselves? Check. Abstract? Check. Why? Because usually kids can’t draw for shit. You know it’s true. How many times does a kid come up to their parents and say “Look what I drew in class today!” and the parents goes “Ohhh… what a cute puppy!” and the child replies “It’s not a puppy, it’s a horseshoe crab…asshole!” and runs away crying. I challenge this girl to paint anything that isn’t blobs of paint with glued on dolphins. Seriously.
A big reason why they’re claiming that she’s a real artist, and not just some kid throwing paint around, is because she’s consistent. The gallery director, Angela di Bello, explains that her children were painters as well. But her children’s painting didn’t look the same each time, they weren’t consistant. That’s why they weren’t real artists. Remember those girls who made fun of me today for my stick figure drawing? Yeah, they were pretty awesome at drawing but, the one thing is, all their drawings looked exactly the fucking same. They just draw the same things over and over again. Thats what kids do. They like princesses? They’re gonna draw a hundred princesses. Princess needs a pony? Yeah, those hundred princesses are each getting their pony.
You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah, that all may be true, but these paintings look a lot better than my kids paintings.” Wanna know why? If your child showed an interest in painting, most parents would give their kids some water colors and a sheet of paper. This girls parents are artists. They’ve been giving their daughter unlimited professional paints and canvases literally since she was in diapers. They basically put her in a room with a canvas, paint, and toys and tell her to go at it. Tell me, what kid couldn’t do that?
So, one’s gotta ask… Who’s getting the money from all these paintings? Certainly not the little kid. Yeah, it’s the parents. Fucking assholes.
Anyway, if you still don’t understand what I’m talking about, watch this video. And pay extra attention to the little girl. She’s, well…special.
Shit, have you guys heard about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad 2? Talk about desperate…
A photo taken of the Golden Child before the operation.
LHASA, Tibet (AP) — The Golden Child, a young Tibetan holy monk from Eddie Murphy fame, masquerading as a Chinese teenager named Zheng, has sold his kidney for about 3000 dollars to get enough money to buy an iPad 2. When he returned home from the operation, his followers noticed something was strange when the Golden Child came back with the the new tablet and a thousand dollars worth of ecstasy pills. They promptly called the authorities when they heard what happened.
The young mystic was allegedly corrupted by desire brought on by so called “cool” advertisements from Apple. Sources claim that the young boy had grown tired of being sought out by Tibetan monks from around the world who wanted to use him for his healing powers and blessings. “It’s a big drag” said the Golden Child, “With the iPad 2, I could find an app for doing all that, dipshit”. The Golden Child, who since birth has lived only on tea leaves given to him by his followers, could not afford the massive 499 dollar price tag. He sought alternative means.
A typical advertisement from Apple.
The alleged perpetrator Sardo Numpsa, the demon lord foiled years ago by the Chosen One Eddie Murphy, had returned from the underworld looking for ways to obtain the Golden Child’s kidney. He had heard it would grant the owner the means to do an unlimited amount of illicit drugs with no negative side effects. “Why should only the Golden Child have that power? Demons are very sensitive to smoking rocks and doing nazi crank, we need extra protection”, adding “He’s the golden child; he could just poop out a new kidney”.
Earlier this week the golden child, while purportedly high off methamphetamine and elephant tranquilizers had discovered an ad offering fast cash for young Buddhist kidneys, and quickly responded. Asked why he was not suspicious of the advertisement, the golden child responded that it “looked like the real shit” and we should “get off (his) big golden balls”.
The Demon Lord posed as this respectable organ dealer.
Demon Lord Numpsa posed on the advertisement as a distinguished family Chinese organ dealer. He paid for the golden child, now disguised as a young Chinese teenager named Zheng, to travel to a hospital in Chenzhou City, Hunan Province, to get the operation done. When asked why the golden child hadn’t seen through Demon Lord Numpsa’s disguise he responded, “I dunno, I was fucked on methadone”.
While the Golden Child’s monestary has filed a complaint against Demon Lord Numpsa, according to one of the Golden Child’s followers he a has “no interest” in seeking justice as he “had already pooped out a replacement kidney, and is tricked out from 4 hits of X and 12 straight hours playing Geometry Wars for his new tab”.
Squiggly lines are everywhere. I’m using them right now. You’ve probably used them too. They’re very convenient. But in my world travels, I’ve seen that different countries use different kinds of squiggly lines. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why the hell would they use DIFFERENT squiggly lines? Our squiggly lines are just fine…and more American!” That’s a great question. I’ve been researching for days on the subject and I think I’ve found the reason. Most of them are anti-American, anti-Western hippies. Now I have been living in one of these countries for a while now, and I think I have begun to decipher some of their squiggly lines. If we could all try and learn some of their squiggly lines, I think we could really stick it to them. I will share with you some of my findings today.
Country: J-Land, Squiggly Lines: Canji (pronounced CAN like coke can, and JI like gee-whiz)
Now it has been said that there are over a million Canji in J-Land. From the outsiders perspective it may seem like a pretty daunting task to learn them all! According to legend, they made the first Canji by just using the shape of the object to write the squiggly line. Neat, huh? Thanks to me I have found three of the simplest and most important Canjis. I will teach them to you today.
Canji #1
Canji number one is one of the most important squiggly lines in J-Land. It’s quite simple!
Remember, they based these squiggly lines off of real objects. What do you think it means? Take a guess!
You’re right! It is the Canji for person!
Canji #2:
Here is Canji number two. Equally as important as number one.
I know, it is a lot harder then Canji number one. Don’t get scared off! Just remember that they used REAL THINGS to make their system of squiggly lines! Do you have it?
Right again! It’s the Canji for mouth.
Canji #3
Here it is, the last Canji. Actually, it’s two for one! One of the most important in all of J-Land.
Have you figured it out yet? By now you should be a pro!
Wow, great job! It’s the Canji for Tetris. Isn’t it amazing that they had the forethought to create a squiggly line for Tetris, even though it wouldn’t be created for thousands of years?
That does it for todays edition of Squiggly Lines Around the World. Remember these next time you’re in J-Land (and China!), and really stick it to those hippies.
In my previous post I mentioned something about some sort of something song that I wrote. Well, even though I can’t play the guitar or sing for shit, I still think it is a piece of lyrical genius. The song is still missing a bridge and a one verse, but I thought I would share it. It would be a crime not too. Again, I must advise all people reading the song to read it silently with the voice of Jack Black in your head. Words in all caps are there for emphasis. Use your Jack Black head voice to scream those parts.
The World Will End
by Maxim
It’s a nice nice sunny day
All the animals come to play
With those fuzzy wuzzy tails I want to touch!
One comes up close to me
And he says one simple thing
The world is gonna end… you’re gonna DIE!
It starts off slow at first with
*The thunder and the lightning
But the next thing you know
You’re running from RABID BEARS
*Chorus*
The world will end
There’s nothing to lose
We all need help
We’re so fucking screwed
People running scared
From all those rabid bears
Do not realize that it’s a trap
The bears have formed a pact
With the dogs and the cats
And soon that pet chiwawa has your HEAD
You thought it was a good idea
To put Snickle fritz on youtube
But little did you know
It has led to your doom.
The world will end
There’s nothing to lose
Those dogs are pissed.
We’re so fucking screwed
Bob right down the street
Told me something neat
He said that there’s a way to save the earth!
He says we must go on a quest
Into the hornet’s nest
And kill that snickle fritz, YES, one and for all!
That chiwawa’s a beast
Don’t let his looks deceive you!
He’ll tear out your heart
And turn it to poo!
The world will end
There’s nothing to lose
Snickle fritz!!!!!
We’re so fucking screwed
Thats all I have for now. Makes you wanna step on a couple of chiwawa’s heads doesn’t it? Still got to figure off how to kill of snicklefritz…that bitch.
This is it. The beginning. My blog. Let me just inform you that I have started this on a complete whim with no idea of where this will be going. Will I even continue writing through the week? As with most people, that’s probably based on how popular and awesome it becomes…which I must say is very, very likely.
The question: Can I even do this?
The answer: Probably not, but my heart says YES!
Let’s break this down.
Reasons why I can:
Extreme short term confidence: I usually start things with this amazing confidence that I will be able to succeed and excel above all others. This includes when I get into drunk fights against opponents much larger than me.
An inordinate amount of free time: This is a doozy. The down time I have at my job allows my mind to wander to the abyss of my imagination. This is where I get many of my ideas, including the one where I decided I want to be some sort of rock star.
Interesting interests: This may be a piggyback off the confidence thing, but I think what I like is interesting and other people should like it… or learn to! Not to come off as a self-centered jerk or anything but… yeah… I REALLY DO THINK THAT!
I'm the one on the right.
Reasons why I can’t:
I can’t write: You may have noticed by now, but I can’t write for shit. Excuse the language. If I could write, I would be able to replace shit with some other magical, less offensive, word to express my feelings. I’m more of a verbal wordsmith. I run my mouth off and piss people off. I can’t do that in writing! For most people this would be a deal breaker… you can’t write then don’t. Keep to facebook. But not I.
I give things up quickly: Remember when I said I have lots of confidence in the short term? Well, that runs out awfully fast. An example: Yesterday I wrote a song. I thought this song would make me an immediate rock star. I got home and realized I couldn’t even play my own song on the guitar… and my voice doesn’t sound like Jack Black (that’s the way I sung it in my head).
I’ve got no friends: Pretty self explanatory.
It won’t become awesome.
It’s slightly embarrassing.
Boobs.
Woah, got super negative at the end there! What happened to all that confidence?! Anyway, logic states, based on my proven method of reasoning, that I shouldn’t do this. But I’m gonna.
Stay classy and keep reading, blogsphere. To end, one of the ultimate confidence songs of all time… from the Karate Kid with Mr. Miyagi… “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito.
Maxim's Madness 