Testicular Deformations and Why Sex Ed is Important.
A stunning review of my blog (and me) by Necrotic Hijinks. He was even kind enough to show me pictures of my birth. For this I am eternally grateful.
A large portion of this blog so far has been realizations of wrong doing from my childhood. As a child you may not realize how your actions affect the world around you. Most things are easily forgotten, and many times you just think of serious major events in your life as funny or even hilarious. Yesterday, as I laid in bed I suddenly remembered one of these days. What transpired was ethically and morally wrong and probably illegal. I was a major player in the operation and I loved every second of it. However, at my young malicious young age, I hadn’t quote realized the possible ramifications of my actions and the actions of others. Oh, innocence.
It was around the summer of ’95, at a one week sleep away camp in near Providence, Rhode Island. As with most summer camps, it was equipped with a large natural lake for swimming in. I loved swimming, so naturally this was my favorite part of the day. Every 15 to 20 minutes or so, the lifeguards would blow a whistle; we would then have to find our buddy, hold and raise our hands in the air so they knew everyone was accounted for. Pretty standard. Here’s where the story gets interesting.
One day, me and my buddy were getting ready for a nice long session of swimming when one of the lifeguards approached us. He asked us if we could help him with special project, and it was very important. Of course, as a lifeguard is supposed to be a very trustworthy individual, we agreed. He then took us to the woods and told my friend to pull down his trunks. Woah, wait, sorry, sorry. That’s not how it went. Let me continue the real story. He wanted my friend to go out and play in the lake for a couple of minutes, while he wanted me to go hide out in a shed until the next buddy check. Then during the next buddy check, he wanted my friend to go up to a lifeguard and tell him I was missing. We thought this was awesome. We were gonna trick everyone in the camp that I was drowning or dead. I was excited, he was excited. This was going to be great, and boy was it ever.
I was brought to the shed. A man was inside. His “thing” was gorging. He told me to pull down my trunks and show him my tight… woah, what the fuck. Where are these outbursts coming from? I must apologize as it is ruining the integrity of my story. Anyway, I was only in there for about 5 minutes but it felt like hours. Finally, the whistle blew and they started the buddy check. As planned, my friend came out and told the lifeguards that he couldn’t find me anywhere. And boy, was he convincing. I could hear the pain and worry in his voice. I could see the fear in his eyes. He was on the brink of tears. He deserved an oscar for that performance. Thats when all hell broke loose.
They made all the campers get out of the lake. The counselors, panicked, got in in a big line, and began combing the waters, diving around, all frantickly searching for me. A couple were crying hysterically. I couldn’t contain my laughter. This went on for about 3 minutes, just to the point where they all thought I was dead. One of the lifeguards then came to get me out of the shed, and presented me to the nearly dead from panic counselors. The missing camper, safe all along. They were incredibly relived of course. I got a few head locks, noogies, and “Urrrghh, youuu” while in tears from them. My memory kind of fades off after that, but me and my friend were thoroughly proud of ourselves. For some reason my butt hurt as well.
Now zoom back to today. As an adult I can put this event into some perspective. How fucked up was that? I mean seriously, making people thing a kid is dead? Drowned in a lake? And this wasn’t something they could do every week, or even every summer. It wouldn’t be believable that way. This is something that had have been never done before at the camp. Those lifeguards came up with it to fuck with everybody’s minds. To “train” them. I wonder what kind of ass munching these guys got from the counselors after that big drill of theirs. I wonder if they were fired. I still love those guys for giving me that amazing “get to see everyones reactions after your death” experience. It was awesome. I just didn’t understand at that age that child molestation, I mean, that that kind irresponsible action was probably not acceptable. I hope I’m mature enough to understand it now.
-Maxim
In case you don’t know, I am a teacher in Japan. I am deep inside the Japanese education apparatus… deep, deep inside. A sleeper agent if you will. Summer vacation has just begun, and we had our first semester closing ceremony yesterday (yes, they have a ceremony for that). It basically was a lot of bowing, standing, and sitting, but there was one thing that caught my ear. After the ceremony one of the teachers went in front of the entire school and gave a speech outlying three rules that they absolutely must follow during summer break. The thing you must understand about these rules is the seriousness the tone of the teacher’s voice was while he said them. A seriousness so well conveyed, every single person in the room knew that if they broke the rules, they would destroy the balance of the universe, or at least Japan. Here are the rules and parts of the speech he gave:
1. Don’t die (死ぬな）
Don’t die. Don’t be dead. Don’t be beheaded. Don’t drown. Don’t get hit by a car. School is a safe place, people don’t die in school. I protect you in these walls. People only die outside in the scary world, where I can’t save you all the time. So don’t go outside of school and get killed, or I will haunt your eternal soul forever.
2. Don’t steal（取るな）
You god damn kids better not steal. Do not take one piece of candy, one spec of dust from anywhere. Do not take anything that does not belong to you. Don’t steal from your friends houses. When you are invited to someones house you are their guest. Even if your friend says you can borrow something and you take it, you are stealing. That is not their property to give and you just took it, you are beyond scum. I will find you, and I will give you my divine justice.
3. Don’t be a lump（だらだらしない）
You are all required to wake up everyday at 6:30 in the morning and do radio calisthenics. Do not lump around the fan all day talking into it. Yeah it makes your voice sound funny, but do it for one more second and the blades may cut your tongue out. You always have something to do at all times, whether it be the one months worth of homework we gave you, or helping your parents, or even just running around your house, do not stay still. You must moving. If you stop, we will find you. We know.
The teacher walked off the stage. Those kids were going to follow his rules, he knew it. He wasn’t exaggerating one bit, and they knew it. It was going to be a long summer.
All I could think about throughout the whole speech was, “Crap, Mr. Fan, don’t take my tongue!”.
I think you guys should know by now I’m pretty non-functional on Saturdays. Hung over, tired, and sleepy. I can’t even think, let alone write. That’s why on my Sleepy Saturdays I bring you the best hangover cures to sooth that aching headache, and maybe even make your stone face smile. Today I present to you one of the most perverted ideas for a show ever, Sailor Moon. Five Japanese school girls who turn into panty flashing superhero school girls. Amazing. Well, needless to say, I watched. I liked this show way too much. I could have been watching for another reason, but I can’t confirm that, see “How I Discovered Porn”.
So for all you closet Sailor Moon fans out there, here’s a trip down memory lane:
I know this song by heart. Dead serious.
Here’s where she gets all naked. Sweet!
Ahh. Wasn’t that nice? Are you filled with the warm bubbly feelings of nostalgia? I hope so. I leave you with this. If you can’t tell, that’s Sailor Mars giving a super badass kick in a skirt. Enjoy!
Our worldview is based on many things. And you can count on the fact that either science or religion has messed with your head and influenced your ideas about stuff. For example, most people know that the earth revolves around the sun, and that the sun is a giant nuclear fusion machine composed of hydrogen and helium burning at millions of degrees. You learned that once in school, right? Okay, maybe you didn’t, stupid, but even without science we would have religion. Everyone would be taught that the earth is the center of the universe, and the sun is some god, or a big lamp created by god, or something about the gods, and god god god, whatever! There’s no way out! You either have one or the other!
So imagine a world without science or religion, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, on some land mass, with a bunch of animals, and all you have is your imagination. What would you think everything was? I mean, the human mind comes up with reasons to explain everything, even if they’re completely false. What would you think the stars were? The sun? The moon? Mountains? Lighting? I took a shot at it.
Here’s my ignorant self trying to explain some stuff to so called “enlightened” persons:
The thing that lights my day. The thing that warms me. The thing that hurts my eyes when I look at it. The thing that allows me to kill ants with my magnifying glass. I’m referring to the giant bright thing in the sky, that is Raktooku. Yeah, that’s where my ancestors come from. It’s like an island or something. But some evil ancient monkeys started a forest fire on it like a billion years. As you can see, it hasn’t stopped burning. We all had to escape to this green place, which I now call my home. Ever since I figured that out, I kill monkeys whenever I see them and burn them in fire.
So you remember those evil monkeys I was talking about? Yeah, they live on that other big ball in the sky; the bright silver one. That place is called Shaloopa. Shaloopa sucks big time. That place used to be pretty cool and green like my house, but the monkeys are just so stupid and evil that they ate all their trees, burned all their houses, and drank all their water. They left nothing behind. That’s why they keep coming down into my house, trying to start stuff. I’m just like, I’m so gonna burn you up.
Those sparkly things? Oh, I love them! I look at them a lot when Raktookoo floats away. Sometimes those stupid flammable monkeys get in the way on Shaloopa, but I just make it disappear with my thumb magic. You don’t know thumb magic? Yeah, I can take my short stubby finger and cover all of Shaloopa. Disappears just like that! Pretty awesome, right? Back to twinkly sparklies. That’s an easy one. One day it was raining and I had to go into a cave. I started a fire, and all the rocks around starting shining! I guess you could say it was my “Ah, hah” moment. So yes, my house, Raktookoo, and Shaloopa are in a big shiny rock cave. I am afraid, however, that if I don’t kill and burn enough monkeys, they will break our great cave and we’ll all be destroyed. That reminds me, I should go kill some more monkeys.
Okay, so I turned into a pyro monkey killer. Hey, it could happen to you! What would you turn into with your mind a blank blob? Think about it. You may surprise yourself. Damn monkeys…
Anyone who knows me knows I say this word a lot. Maybe a little bit too much. I’ve even had the occasional “stop cussing so much you dumb shit” thrown at me. So what? It’s not my fault. It’s society! I was an innocent boy. I didn’t know anything of this horrid word! I still remember the day I was made to scream the word at the top of my lungs in front of my house, not knowing the poison that had entered me. After that it was all over. The word took over my life.
Now add this glorious word to Mad Libs. If anyone doesn’t remember Mad Libs, it was a game where you would fill in a bunch of random nouns, verbs, adjectives and so on. When you were done, you would then read a short passage, putting in your chosen words in blank spaces for a hilarious outcome. While I was younger we had a bunch of these books lying around, so, armed with my new word, and not knowing what any of the parts of speech meant, would put fuck, and other funny words, into madlibs.
Here is me trying to emulate my mad libs when ten. Libbed words in bold.
Good Stuff
Are you bothered by fuck fuck? Do you feel penishead every day? Does your poop hurt? Then fuckadilly is for you! This turd, fucker treat is chock-full of cock.
Here is what Douche Slaboosh of Dumbass, Montana had to say about fuckadilly. “I start every day with fuckadilly. It’s simply bastard! Even my fucking loves it.”
Don’t delay! Buy fuckadilly today!
Now that was pretty awesome. Though I do have to admit, I have gotten slightly better and mad libs now that I know what a verb is. Here is adult Maxim doing mad libs.
New Year’s Resolutions
It was New Year’s Day, and I was watching penisball on TV with my friends Shirly Fucku, Amanda Huggenkiss, Bob Fart, and Chad Douche.
“Hey, Amanda Huggenkiss,” Bob Fart said, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”
“I am going to learn to play the ass flute,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents douchy.”
“That’s slutty,” said Shirly Fucku. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless spectral bats and pistol shrimps. They are so cute. How about you, Bob Fart?”
“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the dildos and the semen in the dishwasher without being asked.”
“I want to improve my grades,” said Chad Douche. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”
They all turned to me.
“What is your New Year’s Resolution, Maxim?”
“I’m not making one,” I said. “I’m perfectly black already!”
What do you think? Have I improved? Try doing some yourself. I can assure you, it’s just as funny doing it now as it was back then.
-Maxim
I think every living, breathing person on this earth has watched porn at one time or another. Do you remember the exact moment it happened? Did you catch your parents watching it? Did your brother show it to you? Did someone at school tell you about it? Did you have HBO as a kid? I bet you can’t even remember exactly how you learned about this fundamental human right. Well, it just so happens I remember exactly how I did. And I got to say, it changed my life forever.
I was a young, strapping, innocent boy of around 9 or 10. If you’ve kept up on the blog at all, definitely around my exploratory girl toy phase. This was the time when the internet really starting booming, and my house was connected, oh yeah. We had a brand new Mac Power PC 6500 with 300 MHz of pure silicone heaven, connected to a blazingly fast 56k dial-up modem. We could be hooked up to the internet in all of 1.5 minutes. It was amazing.
A lot of times when my older brother would have friends over, I would shadow them. I was pretty cool myself, and had hundreds of my own friends, but there was something really special about hanging out with 14 year-olds. It was so awesome. So one day, my brother had a friend over named Aaron. My brother thought it would be a good idea to go on our new computer and surf the web for a little. They went on to the best search engine at the time, excite, and were trying to figure out what they were going to look up. With a malicious look on his face, Aaron jumped into the drivers seat and typed in four letters. The most important and influential four letter of my life. P-O-R-N, porn. Me not having heard of this word before thought nothing of it, but my brother, with superhuman speed and agility, jumped over his friend, and deleted the search. This was the impetus that would change everything.
As a curious and tech savvy 10 year old would, I committed the word to memory, and waited for a time where I had the computer to myself to see what this forbidden word was. When the time finally arrived, I went back to excite, typed in the word, and hit search. What awaited me was beyond anything in my wildest dreams.
A world of naked women lay before me. All I had to do was click, and I had access to blonds, brunettes, asians, whatever! Pictures of all the most beautiful women I had ever seen, with breasts! I had discovered the greatest thing in my life. Better than toys, better than friends, definitely better than school. I had been so entranced by porn that I had become immediately addicted. I wanted to watch it at all times. I started pretending I was sick so I could stay at home at watch it. I remember looking at a list of my absences and I had missed over 20 days for the school year. There are only about 20 weekdays in month, so I missed about a month of school that year to look at pictures of naked women. That has to be a record for a 10 year old.
Since my mom has an avid reader of my blog now (fuck), and I had never told her this story (or anyone for that matter), I had to come clean to her her before publishing; just to make sure she wouldn’t still be angry over something I did almost 15 years ago. She was surprised, but also told me “It’s totally normal for an elementary school boy to do that kind of SHIT”. Love you, Mom.
If you want to talk to your kids about porn, like my parents failed to do with me, go to this website… it will help. Hahahahaaahhahahahaahhaahhahah!
GI Joes, Transformers, Remote Control Cars, and Legos. Yeah, I played with all those things. I enjoyed them very much. But there was something else, something much more… feminine that I liked to play with. My parents never had a problem with it, and I never gave it a second thought until now. I remember this very fondly, but I also do realize that what I was really doing was playing with girly toys.
When I was younger I had many girl friends. I had more girl friends then I did boy friends (They all wanted to marry by the way, not to boast). I would go to these girl friends houses and play with them. One friend in particular I really had a good time with. So what did we play? We played house, and we played house with Barbie dolls. She had it all. She had tons of Barbies, a Barbie dream house, a Barbie convertible, and of course Ken, Barbie’s cool boyfriend. I would be Ken, and my friend would be Barbie. We were married, (or soon to be married) and we had a life together, with a house, and a car, and a dog. Sometimes we would put our dolls in bed and make them kiss, cause that’s what adults did in bed. I wouldn’t look of course, because that was gross.
I loved this. That’s all I wanted to do. For a while I hadn’t brought this girly infection back home with me, but it wasn’t contained for long. One day I went to my this girls house, and she had the coolest Barbie doll I had ever seen. It was Aladdin, from the recently released Aladdin disney movie. It was awesome. It came with two costumes, Aladdin street rat, and Aladdin prince. It also had a little pet Apu! It could fly in my mind. Pure awesome. I played with it a couple of times at my friends house untill I couldn’t help myself and I asked my mom to get it for me for Christmas. In a house that didn’t allow any videogames (which at this time meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis), this was my best option that year. The girly toys had invaded my home. It was badass.
This went on and off till around 4th grade. After that I had changed schools, and lost of of my girlfriends so I had to play with boy stuff again. Well, it was good while it lasted.
I’m not ashamed of my dabbling into girls toys. It was awesome. I had a great time. Sometimes I would strip my dolls down and would make them dance naked. Totally not girly. And look at me now, a badass bro, ruling the world with my words. It was worth every minute.
-Maxim
I know many of you are going, “Who the hell is Norman Reedus?”. Well, let me explain. It begins with Lady Gaga. I absolutely love her new video for the song “Judas”. I don’t want to deny this fact anymore. Well, I haven’t really been denying, it’s just that I don’t come across as an awesome bro badass who also happens to watch Lady Gaga videos. Now you know, you can be both. Okay, so, Judas, woah, I just love that shit, okay? If you’re not familiar with the video I suggest you go watch it now. Yeah, the song is catchy, yeah, Lady Gaga looks like a bad ass biker chick, but there was something else, something hidden that has kept drawing me back to this video time and time again. I didn’t know what it was… until now.
It’s this guy:
Now most of you know this sexy guy from the cult flick “The Boondock Saints”. Yeah, I saw it once, whatever. It was okay. It’s totally unrelated. I didn’t even realize that he played that Irish douche. What did come into my head when I saw him in the video, was the words”complete and utter badass”. I finally realized that I kept watching this music video just to see this guy. He’s only in the thing for like 33 seconds, but shit man, him in his tight leather jacket, with that rugged “Come get some!” attitude. His “I’m a fucking pimp” face. Holy shit. Holy shit… I don’t even know what to say, it’s just that I had to put this down somewhere. I love this guy. His name is Norman Reedus. And he is a complete and utter badass. Wow. Wow. Wow.
-Maxim
P.S. You can still be a bro and confess you’re love for an awesome dude. Stop being a douche.
In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.
“i’m coming after you bro”
I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.
“arnold fuck you asshole gif”
The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!
“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”
This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.
“desperate pee women”
I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.
“japanese ass”
Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!
“i love an asshole”
Oh, do I love me some asshole.
“god gonna cut ya down”
Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.
“russian mafia dick”
Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.
“camille cacnio chinese thief”
I thought she was Thai. Oh well.
“if jesus comes back hang him again”
Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?
And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).
-Maxim
Maxim's Madness 