Author Archives: Maxim

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About Maxim

Big dreams, low motivation and drive. I feel like this has been the theme of my life. I wanted to go to a great university, almost failed out of High School. I wanted to be an awesome video editor, quit that in college. I want to be a rock star, haven't quit that dream...yet. Currently I am spending the prime of my life in rural Japan teaching English to kids. For many this may seem like the coolest thing in the world; for me, it's purgatory. A time sink till I find my true calling...which should include me being a rock star, or something related. This blog is my madness. An eye into the mind of someone who may or may not be a complete asshole.

Sleepy Saturdays: Drinking Strange Liquids

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Hmm…..I wonder whats in the glass? Looks pretty good. These beautiful kiwis sure look…happy…scared? What could the mystery liquid be?

Oh, okay. It’s made from this you say? Strange white liquid. Interesting. I like many white liquids… Milk…calpis….glue. Those women are drinking something like that, right? What’s that? It’s milky but it’s not milk? No, it couldn’t be….

WHAT!? Horse semen!? Those three girls are drinking shots of horse semen? You say it tastes like custard? Sweet jesus.  People do a lot of strange things in this world, but the guy who first tasted his horses semen and discovered it tasted like custard is not right in the head. Though what can you expect, people sleep with horses, the next logical step is drinking their semen.

This is all true by the way.

Link to article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/22/horse-semen-shots-custard_n_882053.html

Getting Out of Fights

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I have never fought anyone. That’s right, other than my brother when we were kids, I have never been on the receiving end of any punches, kicks, or tackles, nor have ever given them. So why is that? If you have read anything on this blog you should know by now that I am not a nice guy. I am an asshole. I make people angry. I’m an instigator. I’m the type of person who pisses people off enough to get them to want to fight you. Now don’t get me wrong, that has happened on a number of occasions, but it never escalated into fights involving me. Nope not me… just other people.

I have come up with a series of defenses. Now I don’t want you to think I’m running away. These are just natural defenses that come out when shits going down; I can’t control em. I really would love to get into a fight and dole out some of my divine justice, It just ain’t happening. These defenses are seriously full proof. Here are two good ones.

The Pee Defense: This one’s pretty easy. When someone is pissing you off, say an inflammatory comment loud enough for the person to hear. Right after you say it, head to the bathroom and take a piss. Example: When I was in college, a drunken brigand friend of our roommate came over to our house. We had just finished up a party and we all wanted to get some sleep. But this extremely drunk tall muscular soccer player wouldn’t stop playing beer pong, and was being loud and annoying. So I made some comment rather loudly to my friends to the effect of “This cockass douchebag needs to get the fuck out of here right now”. I was also pretty drunk and had been holding back a whole bunch of pee. So I said what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom immediately. I was pulling down my pants in the stall when I heard the yelling outside. I stopped my flow, pulled up my pants without zipping, and ran outside to see what was going on. My large football player friend and that drunken brigand were at each others throats. My large football player swiftly dodged some punches and pushed him out of our house. Me? I was on the side jumping up and down cursing at him, but not fighting. After he was out of the house I stood by the window and gave him the finger for a while. After thing died down, I asked my roommate what had happened and he told me that the annoying guy had mistakenly thought that my friend had said my comment and got attacked. It’s not that I didn’t want to stand behind my words, I just really go to pee and missed my chance.

The Smiling defense: I’m not an angry asshole. You’ll never see me lash out at someone in anger. I have fun with it. People don’t usually stand around and watch if you’re in an establishment fighting. So if you run over and look at two people arguing and and see one happy guy and one angry guy, you know who started the aggression, right? Anyway here’s another story. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. We had observed some older weird guys in tuxedo’s wandering around the bar trying to pick up girls. They were failing miserably. Later that night after they had given up, one was sitting at the bar, so while I was ordering my next drink, I started a conversation with him. I started it with something like, “Not having much luck with the ladies tonight, are ya”? We talked a bit, he told me he was I doctor, I told him he looked pretty pathetic in that tuxedo; needless to say, it devolved from there. It got to the point where he threatened me with a blade he “had”, and I threatened him with a gun I “had”. The bartender overheard the rising tensions and he called over the bouncer. And since I had an innocent gleeful smile on my face during the whole time, and he looked like a maniac, the bouncer very physically kicked him out of the bar. I was safe, and I got out of another fight.

So if you’re ever want to be a real dick to someone but are afraid they’ll kick your ass for it, just utilize those two strategies and you’re golden! Good luck to you all!

-Maxim

Caught Vancouver Riot Looter Saves Tree the Same Night, All is Forgiven

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A UBC Vancouver student, caught red handed on a YouTube video  looting a tuxedo store during the recent hockey riots, has been forgiven by the city for saving a tree from other, more violent, rioters.

Identified by netizens from the video, Camille Cacnio had received almost universal condemnation from citizens of Vancouver, and many other Canadians over her actions. Under pressure from intense criticism, she wrote one of the most classy apology letters of all time, blaming everyone and everything but herself for her crime, “The place (was) already broken into, most of the contents of the store have already been stolen, so what difference does it make if I take a couple things”?

Her brilliantly written 3500 word “apology letter”, evoking many aspects of sociology and psychology, and using a variety of sources from scientific journals, was extremely well received. Stating that she “did not even plan” to participate in a riot that day, and how “on a regular day (she) wouldn’t condone looting”, her letter was readily accepted by the community, despite doing both. “I was convinced”, commented a once angry Vancouverite, “At first I thought that her and the mob was an embarrassment to to all of Canada, but thanks to her letter, I realized that we were no better than the mob ourselves by calling her out on it”.

The pants looting thief Camille, after a brilliantly written 15 paragraph section, which skilfully informed everyone that she was the victim of mob mentality, particularly moved everyone with her next section of the letter, entitled, “If you still don’t believe I’m a good person”. It read:”As many of you already know, I am majoring in Conservation Biology at UBC. I strongly belirve(sic) in ecological conservation and sustainability. That night, I saw a few people that were trying to knock trees down. So what did I do? I yelled at them, saying “Pleaaseee, not the treees!!!!” And what did they do? They stopped. And I felt like a hero.”

“Until she shared that brave story with us, I wasn’t in her boat either”, said another Vancouverite. “She was a hero. We Canadians value each and every one of our billions of trees. After all, our flag is a leaf”. The mayor of Vancouver, also moved by her heroics, will be giving Cacnio the key to the city, and a criminal pardon for saving the tree.

Though there are still some unconvinced by the apology letter, they will probably be converted soon as an effigy of the hero Camille is raised next to the saved tree. That, and the key to the city ceremony will be on Friday.

What could of happened to the tree if Cacnio hadn't saved it...

External Links:
The genius apology letter
More on the looters of the Vancouver riots

I Get Sexually Abused at Work

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I can’t keep it to myself anymore. It’s been going on for about 2 years now, almost on a daily basis. Being shown things; being touched inappropriately. I tell them to stop, that it isn’t right, but they don’t listen. In an environment such as the elementary school, you may think that getting sexually abused by children is just a joke, but it’s a very serious problem for many adults. Parents and teachers are afraid to speak out everywhere. The society we live in forgives these children, and tells them that what they do is ok since they are just kids and can’t help it. But not anymore. We must put an end to abuse by children.

Here’s some examples just from today:

We were around the pool. I didn’t bring my bathing suit, so I was crouching down by the side of the pool watching the children. Some of the kids didn’t have their bathing suits either, so they had to sit around and wait as well. The pants I was wearing were pretty tight, so while I was crouching down, my underwear was showing a little bit. The kids were sitting right behind me, giggling. One snuck up behind me, and pulled my pants down a little. I told him to stop and he ran back to the group. I pulled down my shirt and pulled up my pants. After a minute one ran behind me and lifted my shirt to see my underwear again. They kept doing this for another 20 minutes. It was humiliating. Some people would say that dressing like brings on this kind of behavior. Just goes to show what kind of messed up society we live in, blaming the victim of abuse when we really should be blaming the abuser.

It’s not the victim’s fault. Try and understand.

A little later, another kid called out my name and told me to look over at him. To my horror his penis was sticking out. I quickly looked away. He was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away crying.

Again, just one day. I’ve experienced much more. From being asked directly what my penis looks like, to full on grabs of my junk (their short stature allows easy access), to fingers being stuck up my ass (again, easy access). No person should have to work in those kinds conditions. That’s why I am coming out publicly and asking other men and woman who get sexually abused by children, wherever they may be, to speak out. Let’s tell these children that it is not okay to abuse us. We have the power. We are not alone.

-Maxim

A Call to All Bros

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My bros. The world is turning upside down. We are now living in an age where our massive sex appeal, our incredibly large muscles, our quick tempers, our awesome tans, and our popped collars are losing their influence. What’s taking its place? Online hacker nerds. Yes, our arch enemies. The scrawny weiner kids with glasses we beat up at school are now claiming that they’re the shit. These guys, using names like “lulzsec”, “Anonymous”, and “/b/tards”, are going around, fucking with the CIA, fucking with Sony, and fucking with our countries shit. Now I know every self respecting Bro who loves their country should be up in arms about this, but I don’t see any action from the very respectful bro representatives at “the shore”. I mean, DJ Pauly D hasn’t said a thing, and you know that asshole Vinny won’t do anything. Our leadership is incapable. We got to take this into our own hands.

True bros know what really counts in this world. Muscles, tans, and of course, just being the fucking man all the time. That’s why I am calling up all the real bro’s in the world to fight against these ninnies. They may be able to hack into our computer, steal our naked photos, steal our social security numbers, our credit card information, our tanning salon account IDs, but they can’t, I repeat, CAN’T, steal our muscles. So we’re gonna use them. We will make them pay for the Denial of Service attacks on the Javina’s Tanning Salon, and Ronnie’s Man the Fuck Up Gym’s websites. We will go around the country, searching for these nerds wherever they may be, and kick those damn lizard fucking foureyes’ asses!

Here’s what those gibronis look like:

You remember those assholes, right? All right bros, let’s go get those nerds.

Sleepy Saturdays: Before and After

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Oh, young Arnold. You sexy beast. Who could of known that you would become this blob of grossness in a speedo. Fuck it, I take it back. I’d do ’em both. LOVE YOU ARNIE!!!! ❤


A boxer before and after a fight. Before he’s so confident and sharp. And a lil’ angry lookin’. After he’s tilting his head like a sad puppy about to say “Ma-ma?”

Crystal meth addict. Before: Aww, I’m so sad…. I got arrested! Wah, wah, wah. After: YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I’M GONNA CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOU’RE THROAT RARAARAGA ARAGRAGRAGR AGRAGRAGRAGRARGARGRAGRARGARGAGRAGR!

I’m Sorry I Disappoint You

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I could tell as soon as I arrived that they were afraid. There I was, a Jew from Brooklyn. In Japan, I may as well of been Michael Jordan. Everyone stared at me with eager anticipation as I warmed up. A lot of people came up to ask me where I was from. I told them I was from New York City. Yes, the world Mecca of basketball New York fucking City bitch, what? Oh yeah, I was the fucking man. I finished my stretches, laced up my shoes, took a basketball, and walked out on the court. I hadn’t been on a court for a long time. It felt good. I walked towards the basket. I stop, set my feet, adjust my grip, and take my first shot. A collective gasp fills the room. An air ball. The basket is higher than I remember. I shoot again. I shoot too hard and it bounces off the top of the backboard and back into my hands. I then sloppily go in for a layup. I let go of the ball and it flows through the air, right over the basket. A guy realizes the truth and comes over to give me some pointers. Yes, I suck at basketball.

This is a sad story. Probably not for you, the reader, but for me, as a person. In Japan, as a foreign American guy, there are many preconceptions about you. For example, I’m supposed to speak none of the native tongue, only eat hamburgers, be fat, not be able to use chopsticks, love coffee to death, and mostly just be loud and obnoxious. These are things that a lot of Japanese not only think about of Americans, but most white non-Japanese in general. I have learned to accept these things, and politely (and sometimes not so politely) inform the person gawking at my use of chopsticks, that I have used them since I was twelve, and I learned how to in Brooklyn, NY from countless nights of Chinese takeout. But recently, there has been one thing thought of me that really hit me in the heart, because I wish it to be true. It also blew out in the open one of my misperceptions of Japanese people. It’s basketball. They think all Americans (even the white ones) are really good at basketball. And I thought (key word THOUGHT), that Japanese people were pretty lame at it (since they are all short or something).

Yeah, I was wrong. Most everyone I have played with so far is amazing. I am totally jealous. And most of them are just as tall, or taller than me. Most of the time. I end up massively disappointing every single person I play with. But there’s something deep inside the people I play with, even after seeing how terrible I am, that think I should have some sort of genetic disposition for playing. So despite them knowing fully well that I am atrocious, they play extra hard against me. The most talented, and scariest players defend me, and my fat ass has to run all over to defend them. They’ll be like, “MAXIM, YOU’RE MINE!” right before we start. All I can do is sigh and get my ass kicked.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake this notion that I should be good at basketball. It’s a sad reality. All I can do is show them quick that I suck, sit down, and take the beating that my white ass deserves.

-Maxim

Guess What Mental Disease You Probably Have?

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Do you find you often procrastinate? Do you forget things? Is your desk usually a mess? Are you bored often? If you said “yes” to all (or some) of the above questions, don’t be alarmed… you just have adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Yes, the condition usually only associated with children is now estimated to affect an alarming 4% of all American adults. That’s like seven bajillion people. That means you. You’re probably thinking, “But those symptoms are so broad. Everyone is like that sometimes!” Think again, buster. Go to a psychologist immediately, because the consequences if you don’t could destroy your life and haunt you forever.

So you don’t believe me, huh? Check out some of these real stories and see how their lives were ruined by undiagnosed adult ADHD.

Heather Sinclair was a librarian at the public library. Despite her dynamic and ever challenging profession, she was bored at work often. Her mind would wander. After her shift was done she would often rush home to do things that she found entertaining. With her mind always wondering, she had forgotten to email her dad on his birthday. Heather’s father, who lived off the messages received from his children, was thrown into distress. He then died from a sudden onset of polyglandular Addison’s disease (an illness where sudden emotion shock can kill you). If she had only realized that she had a serious mental illness, she could of saved him the trauma, but no, she forgot. Her father is now dead because of it.

Here’s another one.

Sam Robinson was a 26 year old C average student at Kingsborough Community College. Sure, if you had asked him before, he would he would have told you that he’s just an average Joe, trying to get a better education. But all of his procrastination had deadly consequences. He had three midterms the next week and he hadn’t begun studying. He decided that doing the work was impossible, so instead, he enlisted the help of the Russian mob. He instructed them to hack into his professors computers and steal the answer keys. Little did he know that he was an idiot for asking the Russian mob to hack into anything to begin with. Instead, they found the professors and got the answers out of them by force. One of his professors tried to defend himself, and was killed in the struggle. When they came back to Sam and demanded more money for the extra work, he couldn’t pay and tried to get out of the deal. The mob didn’t take too kindly to this. They took his family hostage. He went to the police, and they killed his parents for his betrayal. Sam is now being kept under the witness protection program. If only he had realized that it could have all been avoided if he had just asked his drug dealing roommate for cocktail of Adderal, Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Concerta, he would have been fine. Too late. His parents are dead. ADHD is to blame.

There are countless stories. And they all end the same way.

You’re still not convinced? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like it’s unnatural to sit at a desk for hours. Like its unnatural that you should want to do all tasks promptly. You think we evolved from cave people that magically had something exciting to do all the time? You think ADHD is a modern creation?!? You’re worse off than I thought.

I highly recommend that any people suffering from these symptoms go seek medical help immediately. We can only hope that you will reach those pills in time. All of your family’s lives depend on it.

On Pee

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Everybody pees.Pee Rants

Pee controls my life, and it probably controls yours. Pee can ruin a day. Pee can get on your clothes. Pee can enter your mouth. Pee can control minds. This isn’t bullshit. Our bladders are incredibly schixofrenic. Sometimes you feel like you just don’t have to pee at all all day, and it’s awesome. But sometimes your sitting in a really important meeting, or watching a movie, or doing anything that you want to do and you have to pee every 2 seconds. What is it about pee? Why is it sometimes I can be sitting down and just completely ignore my pee for hours, and other times, like right before I’m about to bang my GF, I get all conscious about my pee and it ruins everything. WHAT IS IT ABOUT PEE? Why hasn’t there been any technological advances with this crap (pee)? Sure we have fancy toilets and the like, but why do I have to get up and go to the bathroom anyway. We have portable music, portable computers, portable drinks (that cause me to pee), but when I got to do the most basic biological function, I got to run around drunk asking store managers at 3 in the morning to use their bathroom, and when they all reject me, having to just do it in the street like a savage. LIKE A SAVAGE! We need new technology. We need the iPee.

Pee Chances

Pee can change your life as well. How many times has pee changed the course of your day? Whether it’s waiting for someone to pee, or journeying around for that special place where you can let it go. You could have a chance encounter with someone special!  You could find the love of your life because of your urge to pee. It’s totally possible. What else in the world is so regular, yet so profound.

Pee Conclusions

Everyone pees. Men pee, women pee, the President pees, Kim Jung Il pees. We are all connected in the fact that we pee. It can be annoying, but we can all be profoundly changed by its strange power.

How does pee affect your life?

Notes

Ladies rejoice! There is actually a “portible urination device” on the market for you guys! It’s called the “Shewee”. Yes, the SheWee. Holy jesus.

Find it at http://www.shewee.com/newstore/

Wrestlemania 1990: IT ISN’T OVER!

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Were you one of those assholes who watched professional wrestling when you were a kid? Do you still watch it now? Really? What did you like about it I wonder? The muscles? The tights? The bulges? (My favorite part) The acting? Doesn’t really matter. I got good news for all you WWE “golden age” fanboys out there. Warp back to 1990 baby, because we got ourselves a good one, and this time…it’s for realz.

Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. They hate each other now more than ever. For reasons unknown except to the almighty wrestling gods, these two have begun their feud all over again. Hulk Hogan and his wife partner swapping whores? Hulk on all day coke binges? These are just some of the accusations coming from the the Warriors camp. Hulks reaction… I’m gonna sue the shit out of you!

*DING DING DING* HERE WE GO FOLKS! LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

It's Rocky VI all over again!

Yeah, Warrior! Give ’em that pre match smack talk!

Seriously, though, wtf. Why is the Warrior complaining that Hulks wanted him to screw his wife? That sounds awesome!

Until next time.

-Maxim