Author Archives: Maxim

Unknown's avatar

About Maxim

Big dreams, low motivation and drive. I feel like this has been the theme of my life. I wanted to go to a great university, almost failed out of High School. I wanted to be an awesome video editor, quit that in college. I want to be a rock star, haven't quit that dream...yet. Currently I am spending the prime of my life in rural Japan teaching English to kids. For many this may seem like the coolest thing in the world; for me, it's purgatory. A time sink till I find my true calling...which should include me being a rock star, or something related. This blog is my madness. An eye into the mind of someone who may or may not be a complete asshole.

Women Have Been Lying to Men for Thousands of Years

Posted on by
10

You know the old saying, “Giving birth is like squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon”. That’s what women use to describe that gross process to stupid men like me. But I’ve recently discovered evidence that this whole idea of a so called “painful childbirth”, is just a big rouse thousands of years in the making. Yes, a rouse just to give women an edge during fights with us guys. It’s the end all to any challenge of their power! What can we say back to “we give childbirth”? How about, “Well when we pass kidney stones, it hurts like hell, too”. Nah, that won’t work. We had nothing, until now.

The secret has been revealed, gentlemen. Giving birth to a child is actually an incredibly pleasurable experience. In fact, it gives many women orgasms. How can that be, you ask? Let’s hear what Dr. Christiane Northrup, an OBGYN and author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”, has to say about it: “When the babies coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.” WHAT THE HELL!? You’re telling me that not only are women getting orgasms from giving birth, but the tool of that orgasm is their own baby going out of their vagina. Just think about that for a second.

First, why didn’t we realize this before, and second, GROSS! Women have made a grave mistake letting this secret slip out. No longer will women have the upper hand. No longer will we bow down and sit idly by while the control the earth. We know the truth. They’re just a bunch of goddamned baby perverts. Gross, gross, gross.

For more information about orgasms during childbirth, watch this.

The “F” Word and Mad Libs

Posted on by
10

Anyone who knows me knows I say this word a lot. Maybe a little bit too much. I’ve even had the occasional “stop cussing so much you dumb shit” thrown at me. So what? It’s not my fault. It’s society! I was an innocent boy. I didn’t know anything of this horrid word! I still remember the day I was made to scream the word at the top of my lungs in front of my house, not knowing the poison that had entered me. After that it was all over. The word took over my life.

Now add this glorious word to Mad Libs. If anyone doesn’t remember Mad Libs, it was a game where you would fill in a bunch of random nouns, verbs, adjectives and so on. When you were done, you would then read a short passage, putting in your chosen words in blank spaces for a hilarious outcome. While I was younger we had a bunch of these books lying around, so, armed with my new word, and not knowing what any of the parts of speech meant, would put fuck, and other funny words, into madlibs.

Here is me trying to emulate my mad libs when ten. Libbed words in bold.

Good Stuff

Are you bothered by fuck fuck? Do you feel penishead every day? Does your poop hurt? Then fuckadilly is for you! This turd, fucker treat is chock-full of cock.

Here is what Douche Slaboosh of Dumbass, Montana had to say about fuckadilly. “I start every day with fuckadilly. It’s simply bastard! Even my fucking loves it.”

Don’t delay! Buy fuckadilly today!

Now that was pretty awesome. Though I do have to admit, I have gotten slightly better and mad libs now that I know what a verb is. Here is adult Maxim doing mad libs.

New Year’s Resolutions

It was New Year’s Day, and I was watching penisball on TV with my friends Shirly Fucku, Amanda Huggenkiss, Bob Fart, and Chad Douche.

“Hey, Amanda Huggenkiss,” Bob Fart said, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

“I am going to learn to play the ass flute,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents douchy.”

“That’s slutty,” said Shirly Fucku. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless spectral bats and pistol shrimps. They are so cute. How about you, Bob Fart?”

“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the dildos and the semen in the dishwasher without being asked.”

“I want to improve my grades,” said Chad Douche. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”

They all turned to me.

“What is your New Year’s Resolution, Maxim?”

“I’m not making one,” I said. “I’m perfectly black already!”

What do you think? Have I improved? Try doing some yourself. I can assure you, it’s just as funny doing it now as it was back then.

-Maxim

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Blob

Posted on by
11

I wonder how many people nowadays even remember this gelatinous ball of acidic goo. A single bacteria genetically mutated in space, comes back to earth to wreak havoc on us humans. The blob chills in its victims, on ceilings, even traveling through drain pipes to get what it wants, which is to quench its insatiable hunger.

It is the blob, and we sat down with it to ask some questions in this exclusive interview.

MM: So I just want to start off by saying I’m a big fan of yours. You know when I was young, I would always be afraid that you would come in through the vent above my toilet when I was taking a dump.

Blob: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, that’s classic. I was into that for a while. Not so much anymore, after the lawsuits.

MM: You know a lot of people think that you kill indiscriminately, but that’s not true is it?

Blob: No man, like all monsters, I got certain tastes. I mean, I do absorb my victims into my own being, so I got to choose carefully.

MM: So we got a lot of questions from our readers. A lot of them want to know how if you’ve ever gotten close to anyone? Or do you just eat everyone before you get that chance?

Blob: No, I go out with a bunch of guys in the neighborhood once in a while for a few drinks. That group has noticeably gotten smaller though. It’s hard to control my urges when drunk.

MM: I see. So we haven’t seen you around lately, what have you been up to?

Blob: Well, as you know I was mostly destroyed back in ’88. I’ve had to keep a low profile after that, so I opened up a small cat cafe in Portland, Oregon. I’m doing quite well for myself.

MM:Cat cafe?

Blob:Yeah, it’s all the rage in Japan. People come in and there are just a bunch of cats everywhere. People can order drinks and hang out with all the cats. It’s getting quite popular.

MM: There are actually places like that? I’ll have to stop by sometime. Big cat fan. So Blob, I have to ask you, you’re an acidic pile of goo with a taste for human flesh, how do you stop yourself from killing everyone and everything in site?

Blob: I have no comment on that.

MM: Hey, my assistants gone! Blob, you didn’t!

Blob: Hah hah!

Hope you enjoyed our interview with the famous Blob! And if you’re ever in the Portland area, don’t forget to check out his cafe, Witty Kitty Witty.

Until next time,

Maxim

Ronald Reagan: Still Keeping the World in Check

Posted on by
Reply

Ronald Reagan is a total badass. He was a super sexy screen actor for years, became President of the United States, won the Cold War, and broke up the Soviet Union. He’s everything Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to be but couldn’t. He’s the real life superman from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It’s no wonder that statues of this real life super god are popping up all over the world.

On the fourth of July, the British erected a 10 foot statue of the brashing and muscular President Reagan in London to honor his legacy. But this isn’t the only statue of this communist killing sexbomb. Not even close. There are tons of other statues all over the world, from Budapest, Hungary, to Katowice, Poland, and even all the way to Doylstown, Pennsylvania. But why is it that these statues are suddenly popping up everywhere? It’s quite well known that the golden boy Reagan influenced everyone around him to love and cherish American values; including democracy, kicking commie ass, and just being totally swell. Well, this wasn’t just a saying. It’s literally what happens when people are around him, like magic. Every statue of the god Reagan comes complete with a little piece of the wonderous being embedded inside. This makes the statues, in effect, act like little Reagans, converting fighters from around the world to kill America’s enemies. Take a look at some of the scenes at places where these statues are going up.


Glorious, isn’t it? I personally can’t wait until every city and township across this great planet has a Reagan statue. The world would certainly be a much better, and sexier place. Oh, well. I’ll just have to be content with my American freedom fighter angel wings Ronald Reagan action figure for now. *sigh*

-Maxim

How I Discovered Porn

Posted on by
17

I think every living, breathing person on this earth has watched porn at one time or another. Do you remember the exact moment it happened? Did you catch your parents watching it? Did your brother show it to you? Did someone at school tell you about it? Did you have HBO as a kid? I bet you can’t even remember exactly how you learned about this fundamental human right. Well, it just so happens I remember exactly how I did. And I got to say, it changed my life forever.

I was a young, strapping, innocent boy of around 9 or 10. If you’ve kept up on the blog at all, definitely around my exploratory girl toy phase. This was the time when the internet really starting booming, and my house was connected, oh yeah. We had a brand new Mac Power PC 6500 with 300 MHz of pure silicone heaven, connected to a blazingly fast 56k dial-up modem. We could be hooked up to the internet in all of 1.5 minutes. It was amazing.

A lot of times when my older brother would have friends over, I would shadow them. I was pretty cool myself, and had hundreds of my own friends, but there was something really special about hanging out with 14 year-olds. It was so awesome. So one day, my brother had a friend over named Aaron. My brother thought it would be a good idea to go on our new computer and surf the web for a little. They went on to the best search engine at the time, excite, and were trying to figure out what they were going to look up. With a malicious look on his face, Aaron jumped into the drivers seat and typed in four letters. The most important and influential four letter of my life. P-O-R-N, porn. Me not having heard of this word before thought nothing of it, but my brother, with superhuman speed and agility, jumped over his friend, and deleted the search. This was the impetus that would change everything.

As a curious and tech savvy 10 year old would, I committed the word to memory, and waited for a time where I had the computer to myself to see what this forbidden word was. When the time finally arrived, I went back to excite, typed in the word, and hit search. What awaited me was beyond anything in my wildest dreams.

A world of naked women lay before me. All I had to do was click, and I had access to blonds, brunettes, asians, whatever! Pictures of all the most beautiful women I had ever seen, with breasts! I had discovered the greatest thing in my life. Better than toys, better than friends, definitely better than school. I had been so entranced by porn that I had become immediately addicted. I wanted to watch it at all times. I started pretending I was sick so I could stay at home at watch it. I remember looking at a list of my absences and I had missed over 20 days for the school year. There are only about 20 weekdays in month, so I missed about a month of school that year to look at pictures of naked women. That has to be a record for a 10 year old.

Since my mom has an avid reader of my blog now (fuck), and I had never told her this story (or anyone for that matter), I had to come clean to her her before publishing; just to make sure she wouldn’t still be angry over something I did almost 15 years ago. She was surprised, but also told me “It’s totally normal for an elementary school boy to do that kind of SHIT”. Love you, Mom.

If you want to talk to your kids about porn, like my parents failed to do with me, go to this website… it will help. Hahahahaaahhahahahaahhaahhahah!

The Porn Talk

Sleepy Saturdays: Monsters Under Your Bed

Posted on by
12

I never personally believed in this, but I’ve been giving it some seriously thought recently. If you actually believed that there were monsters under your bed, how frickin’ scary would that have been? Just some huge malevolent force chillin’ under your bed. These monsters don’t just appear out of nowhere. First you need something to give you idea; Steven Spielberg’s “Poltergeist” would work (the origin of all clown fears, damn clown monster). I must of seen this movie hundreds of times when I was a kid.

The next step is imagination, and a kids imagination can royally fuck them. Look at these real monsters that kids have come up with:



And there you have it. The basis for all mentally disturbed children. You think child abuse, and divorces fuck up children? Imagine a kid thinking there’s a huge thing trying to eat them under their bed all the time. No comparison.

-Maxim

I Played With Girls Toys and Enjoyed It

Posted on by
11

GI Joes, Transformers, Remote Control Cars, and Legos. Yeah, I played with all those things. I enjoyed them very much. But there was something else, something much more… feminine that I liked to play with. My parents never had a problem with it, and I never gave it a second thought until now. I remember this very fondly, but I also do realize that what I was really doing was playing with girly toys.
When I was younger I had many girl friends. I had more girl friends then I did boy friends (They all wanted to marry by the way, not to boast). I would go to these girl friends houses and play with them. One friend in particular I really had a good time with. So what did we play? We played house, and we played house with Barbie dolls. She had it all. She had tons of Barbies, a Barbie dream house, a Barbie convertible, and of course Ken, Barbie’s cool boyfriend. I would be Ken, and my friend would be Barbie. We were married, (or soon to be married) and we had a life together, with a house, and a car, and a dog. Sometimes we would put our dolls in bed and make them kiss, cause that’s what adults did in bed. I wouldn’t look of course, because that was gross.

I loved this. That’s all I wanted to do. For a while I hadn’t brought this girly infection back home with me, but it wasn’t contained for long. One day I went to my this girls house, and she had the coolest Barbie doll I had ever seen. It was Aladdin, from the recently released Aladdin disney movie. It was awesome. It came with two costumes, Aladdin street rat, and Aladdin prince. It also had a little pet Apu! It could fly in my mind. Pure awesome. I played with it a couple of times at my friends house untill I couldn’t help myself and I asked my mom to get it for me for Christmas. In a house that didn’t allow any videogames (which at this time meant Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis), this was my best option that year. The girly toys had invaded my home. It was badass.

This went on and off till around 4th grade. After that I had changed schools, and lost of of my girlfriends so I had to play with boy stuff again. Well, it was good while it lasted.

I’m not ashamed of my dabbling into girls toys. It was awesome. I had a great time. Sometimes I would strip my dolls down and would make them dance naked. Totally not girly. And look at me now, a badass bro, ruling the world with my words. It was worth every minute.

-Maxim

I Love You, Norman Reedus

Posted on by
7

I know many of you are going, “Who the hell is Norman Reedus?”. Well, let me explain. It begins with Lady Gaga. I absolutely love her new video for the song “Judas”. I don’t want to deny this fact anymore. Well, I haven’t really been denying, it’s just that I don’t come across as an awesome bro badass who also happens to watch Lady Gaga videos. Now you know, you can be both. Okay, so, Judas, woah, I just love that shit, okay? If you’re not familiar with the video I suggest you go watch it now. Yeah, the song is catchy, yeah, Lady Gaga looks like a bad ass biker chick, but there was something else, something hidden that has kept drawing me back to this video time and time again. I didn’t know what it was… until now.

It’s this guy:

Now most of you know this sexy guy from the cult flick “The Boondock Saints”. Yeah, I saw it once, whatever. It was okay. It’s totally unrelated. I didn’t even realize that he played that Irish douche. What did come into my head when I saw him in the video, was the words”complete and utter badass”. I finally realized that I kept watching this music video just to see this guy. He’s only in the thing for like 33 seconds, but shit man, him in his tight leather jacket, with that rugged “Come get some!” attitude. His “I’m a fucking pimp” face. Holy shit. Holy shit… I don’t even know what to say, it’s just that I had to put this down somewhere. I love this guy. His name is Norman Reedus. And he is a complete and utter badass. Wow. Wow. Wow.

-Maxim

P.S. You can still be a bro and confess you’re love for an awesome dude. Stop being a douche.

How People Found Me: Top 10

Posted on by
8

In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).

-Maxim

We did it Bros! VIC-TO-RY!

Posted on by
2

Have all you bros out there heard the news? Thanks to the quick mobilization of the elite Bro force Tan Gibroni, and Muscle Group Steroid X, Lulzsec, the group full of nerds hacking our most precious websites, has ran away to their mommies. We knew it would be an easy fight, since these nerds are nothing compared to bro power, but we had no idea it would be this easy. Only six days after our initial call to arms, we destroyed their whole chicken-shit organization. We found one of their leaders through the ancient bro power of nerdsense down on Chester by kinkos. He had some gay robot nerd shit guarding his place, but from the reports, the team just got juiced as hell and kicked all that stuff to shit.

I really just want to thank all the bros who participated around the country. Without your incredible brosephness, this would not of been possible. Just wanna give another shout out to DJ Danny J, for stepping it up in the absence of DJ Pauly D, and also Vinny and the boys for just being all around bro channel elite gentleman during this whole ordeal.

This is just a lesson to all the nerd groups out there. You thought that you were on top, with your dumb nerd attacks on the CIA, well we’re getting back on top, just like in High School, and we’ll kick your ass. So be afraid. It isn’t over yet, gibroni.

Now we can finally start making our homemade porn videos again, and log into our favorite tanning websites to check out the latest bro styles. To celebrate we got a big party down at Jenks tonight. So get your hair dryer and blow your hair out like it’s never been out. Lets go down to the shore and rock that shit.

In the words of the bro god Johnny Drama… VICTORY!