Captain Planet is a Good Alien

You may have seen this video making its rounds around the internet.

It’s a video of the famous Captain Planet. But the Captain Planet portrayed here is not the Captain Planet we grew up with and learned to love, this Captain Planet is a fucking impostor. This is pure propaganda by big corporations and polluters to destroy the image of the earths last defender. He’s the captain of the frickin’ planet, for gods sake. Why would you do this to him. Can’t you see that this person is just a black guy in makeup? Not convinced? Let me explain to you some things about the real green savior of the world.

Captain Planet does not fire things out of his genitalia

As much as we may imagine his package packing a punch, Captain Planet does not fire beams out of his junk. This is just ridiculous. Captain planet is blessed with the powers of all the five elements, earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. What would he need penis power for? He can make plenty of those with Earth + Fire + Water, and a little heart. With those powers combined, I’m sure he can you make you feel mighty fine if you let him.

Captain planet does does not swear

Captain planet is the embodiment of the earth’s power. He does not pollute his mouth with such foul sounds as “punkass”, “dickhole”, “bitches”, and “mother fucker”. What he does fill his mouth with, however, are gems like: “I feel like a brand new hero!”, “Next time, Planeteers, go solar. Not kaboom”, “Call me Captain Combustion, a spontaneous kinda guy”, and best of all, “Some days you’re the spider, some days you’re the fly. And it’s a fly day for me”. What a wordsmith.

Captain Planet says “The power is yours”, not “The power is mine”

This is the smoking gun. How could those stupid propagandists get such a simple Captain mannerism so wrong? Captain planet likes to give power, not receive it. Most captains would take a little bit of the power, just to try it once, but not our captain. He gives power to all the little children of the world. All of them. Like the tooth fairy, or Jesus.

Captain Planet is a good alien. He does not shoot shit out of his junk to turn humans into trees. He does not swear. And he gives a hole load of power to everyone around the world. If you can’t see through this propaganda, you’re beyond hope, and I pity you, and pray for the world.

Until next time,

-Maxim

Captain Planet

Experiment on Cats

Glow in the dark catFor those of you living under a rock, perhaps one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the 21st century was reported the other day. Scientists injected genes from several different animals into a feline egg. The boring part is that some of the injected genes come from AIDS resistant monkeys, with the intention that perhaps these genes would help fight off AIDS in the cats…whatever, not important. The interesting part is that they also injected genes from a certain type of awesome jellyfish. This very special type of jellyfish glow when ultraviolet light is shined on them. Again, they put these genes into the cats. So… glowy jellyfish genes + cats = glowing green cats? A joke? No, it’s serious. The experiments so far have been quite successful, the cats fucking glow. There are real pictures out there of glowing green kitties. And it doesn’t stop there; scientists are planning to continue the research in the effectiveness of these genes on the cats in the future. So we are experimenting on cats. And it totally rocks. Until now I could safely say that experimenting on animals was wrong. What good can out of testing shampoo on a monkey? But this? It changes everything. Imagine the possibilities. Glowing humans. Glowing penis. Real light sabers. What we need now is more cat experimentation.

I can see why a large percent of the population may not want to do this for cuteness reasons, but come on… haven’t any of you seen Cats vs. Dogs? Cats are evil. I feel like I am one of the few people in the world who understands this. And now that cats have been found useful to experiment on, I see no problem to let them regain their honor by voluntarily giving themselves in for the goodness of all mankind. What harm did a little glowy action ever do to anyone? I implore everyone in possession of a cat to turn it in to your local authorities so we can begin the experimentation as soon as possible, for the good of the world.

Now that we’ve established that experimenting on cats is ok, and you’re saving mankind by giving up your cats, we must look for ways to move the research forward. Glowing cats are incredible, but we must branch out from just glow, to other amazing potential augmentations. The question is, what should we do next? Should we go for multiple limbs, or laser eyes implants? The possibilities are endless. Love to hear your ideas.

We are entering a new age, ushered in by our scientific prowess, and cats. These are very exciting times. Let’s not keep the human race in the dark ages, the age with no glowing cats and humans. We can move out of the dark, and into the light! Experiment on more cats! Let’s do it!

Glowing Cat 2

The Short Memories of Men

In this global recession millions all around the world are out of work. Countries are spending billions of dollars on their economies to create jobs and get people back to work. Yet there is a group who has not recievedd any attention from world governments, or even any coverage by the media. A group that has been suffering not for decades, not for centuries, but for millennia. They are the ancient gods of yore, long forgotten by men. Most if not all of their power is lost to them. Yet they are left to live among us. Immortal yes, but pained with unemployment, perhaps until the end of time. This is the story of three of these gods trying to survive in a strange world.

ZeusStuffed at the drive through booth of a Dairy Queen, the Greek god of thunder, and king of Mount Olympus, Zeus, talks to us in the parking lot. “It’s a load of bull crap if you ask me. These humans have ten years of trouble and they complain like it’s the end of the world. You know what that feels like to an immortal? I walk to the toilet to take a shit, come back and my boss is dead and some young up and comer asshole is asking me who I am. Who I am! We’ve been out of a job since that douche-bag Jesus told everyone to worship Big Blue Eyes. That’s what we called him back then, the little punk. Look at him now, with all his fame and power. He would of been nothing it if weren’t for us! We raised that guy from obscurity, gave him a chance. Now he’s fucking us all in the ass till the end of time.”

HeimdallrHere’s a god not doing too poorly. We caught up with the Norse god, Heimdallr, in a cramped office in Chinatown. Heimdallr was the deity charged to keep a lookout for the coming of Ragnorok, or as some may call it, the end of the world. He is also known to be the whitest of the gods. Big Blue Eyes gave Heimdallr a little bit more responsibility in the new order. “Yeah Ol’ Blue made me an angel or whatever. Something to do at least. I’m the angel in charge of skin pigment deficiencies. It’s not a glorious job or anything but somebody’s got to do it. No it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m super white. I’m white because I god damn choose to be white, asshole. He wouldn’t mock me… no… he wouldn’t…he couldn’t…”

OsirisLastly we caught up with the Egyptian god Osiris, god of death and guardian of the underworld. We found the green skinned god underground in a series of ancient sewers below Paris. “I am the king of rats. I wish to be called Rat King Omega. I control the rats. They are my friends and lovers. Big Blue Fag can’t take that away from me. He can’t control me or my rats! I’m the god of rats, the god of rats I say! I’ll give you one for a Euro. Feind, stop touching my blanket!”

So there you have it, three gods, three unhappy and mistreated souls. Destined to spend all of eternity at fast food chains, or swimming with the dregs of the earth. Perhaps if the human race began to care more about these forgotten gods, they would regain some of their power, and maybe be a little happier. They can only hope.

Until next time,

Maxim

The “Tea” Party

I Heart TeaRecently, something called the “tea party” has gained popularity throughout the United States. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some dealings with the so called “tea” party and I have to say, they are a bunch of dirty liars. As a fellow tea lover myself, I graciously invited my local tea enthusiasts to my humble abode for a tea enthusiast get together. I was very excited. I painstakingly prepared a tea party that would impress even the most seasoned tea drinker; Tiny bite sized sandwiches, scones, biscuits, sweet tarts, crackers, and of course many different varieties of tea. I even drove all the way to the the fancy supermarket in Doylestown to get some extra special flavors.

When the faithful day finally came, however, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. What an ignorant, stupid, and loud bunch of people. They put shame the namesake that they have so clumsely taken for their own. They are ruining my way of life. They are ruining everything! Why can’t they just change their name to something else? They don’t have tea parties! It doesn’t make any sense! What they call a tea party is just gathering at some place yelling and screaming about some guy named O-bam-a. Who the hell is O-bam-a!? Alabama? Is O-bam-acare some sort of medicinal tea that they all don’t like? I think NOT. They had no interest in my tea and sandwiches. They even had the audacity, after I specifically mentioned on my invitation to “dress for the wonderful occasion” to come in party costumes. I meant button downs and slacks, not 1776 Boston sailor univforms! Perverts! I’ve made a formal complaint to the Tea Association of the United States to let everyone know about these mad men. I hope they are brought to justice soon.

Signing off quite angrily,

Maxim

The Tea Party

Lost iPhone 5 Just an Elaborate Rouse, Steve Jobs Tape Revealed

Carboard iPhone 5Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.

“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”

The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.

The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.

No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.
I Believe You, STEVE

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The Great Heist

Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
The Heist

America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.

Until next time,

Maxim

P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?