Happy Hallo-ween!

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The long awaited adult Halloween has come and gone. I say “adult” Halloween because we all know we aren’t waiting to go around and collect candy. We’re waiting to dress up like a complete asshole, get butt rocked wasted and pick up some girl dressed up as a slutty little red riding hood. Today was the real thing! Not nearly as exciting.

Thought I should show you all what I was this year. It was pretty much the epitome of awesome. Wish I could rock it for all of time.
Halloween Costume 2011
Yeah, that’s me on the left. I’d say it was one of my best of all time. Why don’t we compare it to some of me other recent costumes from Halloweens past…
Didn’t do Halloween last year for some dumb reason but lets warp back to 2009!
Halloween Costume 2009
I was a sexy slightly homosexual football player! Rockin right? You can clearly see the eyeshadow around my sexy ass eyes.
Warp back to 2008!
Halloween Costume 2008
I was some sort of shitty Koala. Not too proud of this one. Especially since I paid just about a dollar for whatever that is I was wearing on my head.
And finally, to 2007!
Halloween Costume 2007
Great, right? Costume 100% bought at wall-mart, where it was super easy to get size 60 waste pants and suspenders.

So that’s my last couple of Halloweens. Still think that this year topped them all for sexiness.

Anyway, hope you all have a great Halloween!

-Maxim

P.S.
Yeah, about the title. I celebrated Halloween with my students. In all the classes I would set up some Halloween decorations and write in big letters “Happy Halloween!” on the blackboard. Anyway, when the partying (if you could call it that) was over and we were cleaning up, one of the kids erased Happy and ween and goes “Hey, Max, look! Hallo!!! I thought it was hilarious.

The Monster in St. Louis

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St. Louis SkylineThere is something on the loose in St. Louis. Something terrible, something monstrous. The people of the city are blissfully ignorant of what lives among them. I’ve told the story I am about to tell you to many of my friends, and none of them believe me, but I know what I saw. It is real, I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes. And I remember it vividly to this day.

When I was in middle school, my mom and I would often drive down to St. Louis to visit my grandma. I loved going because it was an incredibly long drive (about 1000 miles), and the time we spent in St. Louis got me out of school for weeks at a time. The way I remember it, St. Louis was a nice town. It had the gateway arch. The St. Louis Cardinals at famous Busch Stadium. It introduced me to American shopping malls as big as whole cities. It had this awesomely delicious chain called Steak and Shake, and this awesome frozen custard place called Ted Drewes. It had frickin’ IHOP (We don’t have those in NY)! They also got tornadoes. I love tornadoes! One day there was a tornado watch and it was so exciting, oh my god! St. Louis basically had everything I could ever want.

Except this…
Ahh! Real Monsters!
One day we were in the car riding down a normal residential street on a beautiful day. All the houses had nice front yards with nicely trimmed grass, trees everywhere. The quintessential American street. I was in the back of the car looking out the window; that’s when I saw it. There was a group of three or four people standing on a lawn. They were gathered around something. At first I couldn’t make out what it was… the shape too unnatural to be real. Maybe I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I rubbed my eyes in hopes that it would go away, but no, it was real. It was a person, if you could call it that. More beast than man really. So, what was so monstrous about this thing? Well, it was a guy showing off his massive two foot long erect penis.

This thing was gargantuan. I cannot stress this enough. How a person could survive with such a large penis plagues me to this day. There is was no doubt in my mind that it was a penis. I have to admit, I was in a moving vehicle, and this guy was about 20 feet away from me. Many of my friends say it could have been anything, a broom, or a bottle. But that can’t be true. Now although I was only eleven or twelve, I knew what an erect penis looked like, probably more than the average eleven or twelve year old. It wasn’t just straight like a stick, it was curved slightly upwards, like a dick! Totally different. And this guy wasn’t just standing still with his penis. He was showing it off in super pose style, with his hands moving around it in a way that seemed to be giving it power.

As soon as I saw it, it was gone. We drove away. I never told my mom. She was in the car but I didn’t tell her. What was I supposed to say? “Hey Mom, there’s a monster penis over there!” Totally unnecessary. Well, she knows now anyway.

So what do you think? Real, or did I see something that wasn’t there? All I know is it’s something I will never forget.

This is fake, but it was kind of like this.

Good day, and good penis.

-Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Mighty Max

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Hello everyone and welcome to another addition of Sleepy Saturdays! This week..

A toy set that started off as Polly Pocket for boys, then transformed into the best television show for somebody named Max. Yes, this is Mighty Max!
Mighty Max Toys
A motley crew of a blond boy from the suburbs, a talking foul, and a barbarian like guardian guy, use a magical baseball cap to find and open that take them to all sorts of crazy places! And they also fight evil. It was frickin’ sweet… and probably one of the biggest influences in my life. Well, not really, but it was still pretty awesome.
Max and the fowl.

And you know what the best part was? His name was Max!

Have a great weekend everyone!

-Maxim

The Barkeep with the Javilin Tongue

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Cow TongueDo you remember when you first turned 21? That year may not have any special meaning for some of you, but in the states, it’s just about the most special birthday you’ve got. It is the day you are legally allowed to purchase alcohol. I remember this important time of my life very well. Well actually, I don’t remember it well at all. I was fucking wasted for most of it. But I do remember one specific incident. This incident was so shocking, so traumatizing, that it shot me out of my drunken stupor and made my brain remember. Oh crap, thinking about, this actually happened when I was 22, but shit man, I still wasn’t over turning 21! That bit is totally relevant!

Anyway, It was the summer of 2009, fresh out of college and not caring about anything future related, except absolutely fuck-tard wasted tonight and every night. I was out with my friend on a random weekday. We were drinking margaritas when my friend had the brilliant idea of going to the local dive bar. I hated that bar, but being pretty wasted already off of cheap Mexican tequila, I agreed happily. When we got to the bar it was pretty dead, but you know, it was a dive bar, and it was some random ass weekday. Couldn’t really blame the shithole. My friend was friends with everyone who had ever entered this bar, including the bartender, so we sat at the bar and started talking to her.

Let me describe this bartender to you for a moment. She wasn’t a thin woman. No, actually she was pretty large. She was also in her 50’s and married. Oh, and dreadfully ugly.

Continuing on, my friend was off playing pool or something and I was left with barkeep. She had made up some amazing concoction she labeled simply “the shit” and she was offering them for free, since she was pretty drunk herself of the incredibly alcoholic monstrosities.

So we were talking, and she was telling me about her kids, and about her long life… and she was listening to me, a recent college graduate blabbering on about being young and stupid. Her eyes grow larger after each passing minute.At the time I didn’t know what this meant, probably because she was jealous of my youth. But seriously, I was too drunk to possibly be making any sense to her, what could she of possibly found so interesting? Well, I soon found out.

How what I am about to say came to be I cannot say, but before I knew it this bartenders tongue was in my mouth. Now let me make this clear, I was not fighting this. Probably because I couldn’t. This tongue she had, guys, it was like a javelin. Rock hard, pointy edged, this thing could pierce armor. She had this in my mouth, exploring, cutting my gums. It was the most incredible and most horrible thing I have ever experienced. She was a fat, married, ugly 50 year old, with a weaponized tongue, and I made out with her.
Female tounges.
Being completely deadbeat wasted, I was pretty pleased with myself right after it ended. My friend even came over to congratulate me. However, the next day the realization of what I did came over me, and a sort of a sick feeling came over my body… like I had been raped. Maybe I had been, maybe I hadn’t, but it definitely wasn’t a fine moment in the life of Maxim.

So anyway, yeah. Nothing else to say. Enjoy that.

-Maxim

Stalker Girlfriend: The Break-up

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(This is actually kind of based on a true story believe it or not)
Pam (Maxim)
Stalker Girlfriend

A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I am completely devastated. We met in college and I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. Now that he’s gone I don’t know what to do with myself. Having lived with him for three of the five years we were together, living alone sounds like an unnatural and lonely concept, and one that I am dreading. My friends have told me to move on, but how can I after so many things remind me of him?

For example:

I went to Best Buy the other day to get some conciliatory DVDs to cry over. It just so happened that the DVD section was right next to where the X-Box’s were. When I saw them, it took all I had to stop from crying. My boyfriend loved X-Box. Although he would play for hours straight when he got home, he always thought of me first. He would even stop playing to watch CSI: Miami with me once a week. It was so comforting to hear the sounds of gunshots echoing throughout our apartment. Now I can’t sleep at night without the sweet sound of screams and laser beams. I’ve been forced to buy a copy of Starship Troopers and put it on repeat in my room just to cope.
Breaking up
Another thing he loved was tobacco. Yeah he liked to smoke cigarettes, but that was smelly. I got him to switch to special tobacco; I got him to switch to dipping tobacco. You know, the stuff you put under your lower lip. It was so considerate of him! I hate smokers, so he switched to dip just for me. Now instead of smoke to deal with, all I had to do was clean our rug from all the stains he caused when he spit out his dip on it. God… now that I don’t have to clean tobacco up all the time, what am I going to do with myself?

Lastly it’s the sex. I’m a small girl, but my boyfriend had plenty enough to compensate for that. I loved being crushed by his massive stature, the delicate dance between pain and pleasure. I felt like my bone structure actually molded just to accommodate him. Oh it was wonderful. How can I be with another? Nothing would fit right…

What should I do? I moved all the way from Arizona to live with him and be close to his family. I saw his mother the other day at the supermarket. All I could do was hide! I can’t just drop everything and leave this place and… I want to be near him. Even if I’m just looking at him and his family from afar. At least I know where they go shopping.

Am I crazy? Help me!

Sincerely,

Victoria

Link Found Between Liking Cute Animals and Perverseness

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Baby and CatThe liking of cute animals has been a staple of western civilization for centuries. In recent years, due to the advent of television and the internet, images of cute animals have spread across the globe. Countless books, television shows, and websites have been dedicated to the collection of cute animal pictures of videos for animal lovers viewing pleasure. However, a new psychological study shows that perhaps they’re doing this for something deeper than just a quick laugh. It has been found that there is a large link between liking and taking care of cute animals, and possible perverseness, more specifically, pedophilia.

In an experiment done at the University of Michigan, researchers were able to determine this perverseness via a controlled experiment using volunteers reactions to certain images. Researchers gathered a group of animal lovers, and another group with no strong feelings towards animals one way or another. The researches split the volunteers into two groups, with members from both the animal loving group and the neutral group. The control group was shown a set of pictures featuring cute animals, while the other group was given a set of images with a mix of not only cute animal photos, but pictures of children at the beach, children at the playground, children at school, children in the restroom, children playing in the dirt, children on slip and slides, children breast-feeding, and so on. For each picture, the viewers were able to select whether they had positive, neutral, or negative feeling towards what they were seeing.
Kid and Dog
The results were quite clear. From the control group, as expected, the animal lovers rated the animal pictures highly, while the neutral volunteers rated them for the most part in the middle. For the experiment group, not only did the animal lovers rate the animal pictures highly, an astounding 71% of the group also rated the pictures of children favorably. On the contrary, only 6% of the neutral group exposed to the children rated them favorably. What does this mean? There is an indisputable connection between liking cute animals and being attracted to children.

To most in the scientific community, this result serves as assurance of an idea already widely accepted. It is an easily observable fact that people scream who out at zoos in glee, or people who watch shows dedicated to just these animals, have some sort of psychological disorder. Now they have they proof they were after. The results are still preliminary, but researchers are now suggesting that parents keep their kids away from these freaks if seen. They may try to take your child as a pet and rape them.

Signing of from the zoo,

-Maxim
Baby and Cat Sleeping

Sleepy Saturdays: Old Man is a Beast

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Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays, where you get some thing I thought was funny after a night of heavy Friday drinking. I’m getting the feeling I do as much of these now then regular blog entries! My bad I guess.

This week, we have a frickin’ beast of an old man. This guy is 100 years old, sprinting and running marathons. Can you believe that? He is bigger than Jesus in my eyes. Check him out!

I’m pretty sure he runs faster than I do. How sad is that? Bigger than Jesus, guys. Bigger than Jesus…

Have a great Saturday!

-Maxim

Old Guy

Solar Panels: What Democrats Don’t Want You to Know

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President Obama at SolyndraRecently, a company called Solyndra has come under fire by republicans for taking a federal loan and subsequently going out of business, losing American taxpayers millions of dollars. This company was part of the Obama administration’s so called “green initiative”, investing in companies that produce green energy. Republicans want to hold accountable those administration members who loaned in spite of previous knowledge that the company was not doing too well in the first place. In addition to Solyndra’s half a billion dollars, another 3.75 billion dollars went to fund other solar panel manufacturers, the details just being made public recently.

Republicans are fighting a valiant battle against these green solar companies, but not for that bullshit I just mentioned. Everyone knows that 3.75 billion dollars is bubcus. No one gives a shit. Let me give you an inside story you’re not going to hear on any of those main stream media outlets. Republican party officials have come across extremely sensitive information that has planet-wide implications. Because of this new information, the republican leadership has decided to use whatever means necessary to stop the production of solar panels. However, it has also been decided that alerting the public of this extreamly sensitive information could cause massive world destabilization if released. And I don’t blame them, it’s pretty fucked. So, republicans are using whatever means neccisary to stop these things from being made, including bitching about a pocket change. Hey, it’s working right?

Evil Solar PanelsSo what is this information republicans are sitting on that not only caused them to be so anti-solar, but can’t be released to the public? I was able to get my hands on this information with my super spy skills! My girlfriend helped I guess. Well, it’s not that they’ll all be paid millions of dollars in campaign donations from big oil. That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it? It’s actually quite the opposite. Solar panels are going to destroy the planet. Yes, DESTROY the planet. How so? By absorbing the sun. We all know how solar panels work, right? Specially designed panels produce energy by absorbing the suns rays and converting it into power we can use. But did we ever think about what this was doing to the thing producing those rays? Did we actually think the suns energy would last forever, especially if we kept absorbing it for our own selfish uses? Think again. I’ve done some calculations, and at our current pace of sun energy consumption, the sun will be depleted of energy in just under 5 billion years. Simply terrifying.

So why is the current administration so keen on depleting this precious resource? Those bastards have the same information the republicans do. Why don’t they stop this madness? Why pass on the problem to our childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens times a billion childrens, children? Money. It’s always about the money. There’s thousands of dollars to be made for those who support these evil industries. What greed. Well, now we know better Mr. President.

The earth and the sun.

A picture of the earth and the sun from space. The blue spot is the earth. Look how much of the sun its sucking up! We're so fucked.


I call for everyone and their mothers to go out tomorrow and destroy all solar panals! For the good of the planet!

-Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Berries and Cream

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Welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

During my college years, I was a funny man. I was a clownish man. I was a…berries man. Not really, but everyone said I was, all because of this commercial. It defined my freshman year.

Well, apparently this guy is my twin. And you know what… I can see it.

Have a great weekend!

-Maxim

Berries and Cream