Stalker Girlfriend: The Break-up

(This is actually kind of based on a true story believe it or not)
Pam (Maxim)
Stalker Girlfriend

A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I am completely devastated. We met in college and I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. Now that he’s gone I don’t know what to do with myself. Having lived with him for three of the five years we were together, living alone sounds like an unnatural and lonely concept, and one that I am dreading. My friends have told me to move on, but how can I after so many things remind me of him?

For example:

I went to Best Buy the other day to get some conciliatory DVDs to cry over. It just so happened that the DVD section was right next to where the X-Box’s were. When I saw them, it took all I had to stop from crying. My boyfriend loved X-Box. Although he would play for hours straight when he got home, he always thought of me first. He would even stop playing to watch CSI: Miami with me once a week. It was so comforting to hear the sounds of gunshots echoing throughout our apartment. Now I can’t sleep at night without the sweet sound of screams and laser beams. I’ve been forced to buy a copy of Starship Troopers and put it on repeat in my room just to cope.
Breaking up
Another thing he loved was tobacco. Yeah he liked to smoke cigarettes, but that was smelly. I got him to switch to special tobacco; I got him to switch to dipping tobacco. You know, the stuff you put under your lower lip. It was so considerate of him! I hate smokers, so he switched to dip just for me. Now instead of smoke to deal with, all I had to do was clean our rug from all the stains he caused when he spit out his dip on it. God… now that I don’t have to clean tobacco up all the time, what am I going to do with myself?

Lastly it’s the sex. I’m a small girl, but my boyfriend had plenty enough to compensate for that. I loved being crushed by his massive stature, the delicate dance between pain and pleasure. I felt like my bone structure actually molded just to accommodate him. Oh it was wonderful. How can I be with another? Nothing would fit right…

What should I do? I moved all the way from Arizona to live with him and be close to his family. I saw his mother the other day at the supermarket. All I could do was hide! I can’t just drop everything and leave this place and… I want to be near him. Even if I’m just looking at him and his family from afar. At least I know where they go shopping.

Am I crazy? Help me!

Sincerely,

Victoria

Link Found Between Liking Cute Animals and Perverseness

Baby and CatThe liking of cute animals has been a staple of western civilization for centuries. In recent years, due to the advent of television and the internet, images of cute animals have spread across the globe. Countless books, television shows, and websites have been dedicated to the collection of cute animal pictures of videos for animal lovers viewing pleasure. However, a new psychological study shows that perhaps they’re doing this for something deeper than just a quick laugh. It has been found that there is a large link between liking and taking care of cute animals, and possible perverseness, more specifically, pedophilia.

In an experiment done at the University of Michigan, researchers were able to determine this perverseness via a controlled experiment using volunteers reactions to certain images. Researchers gathered a group of animal lovers, and another group with no strong feelings towards animals one way or another. The researches split the volunteers into two groups, with members from both the animal loving group and the neutral group. The control group was shown a set of pictures featuring cute animals, while the other group was given a set of images with a mix of not only cute animal photos, but pictures of children at the beach, children at the playground, children at school, children in the restroom, children playing in the dirt, children on slip and slides, children breast-feeding, and so on. For each picture, the viewers were able to select whether they had positive, neutral, or negative feeling towards what they were seeing.
Kid and Dog
The results were quite clear. From the control group, as expected, the animal lovers rated the animal pictures highly, while the neutral volunteers rated them for the most part in the middle. For the experiment group, not only did the animal lovers rate the animal pictures highly, an astounding 71% of the group also rated the pictures of children favorably. On the contrary, only 6% of the neutral group exposed to the children rated them favorably. What does this mean? There is an indisputable connection between liking cute animals and being attracted to children.

To most in the scientific community, this result serves as assurance of an idea already widely accepted. It is an easily observable fact that people scream who out at zoos in glee, or people who watch shows dedicated to just these animals, have some sort of psychological disorder. Now they have they proof they were after. The results are still preliminary, but researchers are now suggesting that parents keep their kids away from these freaks if seen. They may try to take your child as a pet and rape them.

Signing of from the zoo,

-Maxim
Baby and Cat Sleeping

Sleepy Saturdays: Old Man is a Beast

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays, where you get some thing I thought was funny after a night of heavy Friday drinking. I’m getting the feeling I do as much of these now then regular blog entries! My bad I guess.

This week, we have a frickin’ beast of an old man. This guy is 100 years old, sprinting and running marathons. Can you believe that? He is bigger than Jesus in my eyes. Check him out!

I’m pretty sure he runs faster than I do. How sad is that? Bigger than Jesus, guys. Bigger than Jesus…

Have a great Saturday!

-Maxim

Old Guy

Solar Panels: What Democrats Don’t Want You to Know

President Obama at SolyndraRecently, a company called Solyndra has come under fire by republicans for taking a federal loan and subsequently going out of business, losing American taxpayers millions of dollars. This company was part of the Obama administration’s so called “green initiative”, investing in companies that produce green energy. Republicans want to hold accountable those administration members who loaned in spite of previous knowledge that the company was not doing too well in the first place. In addition to Solyndra’s half a billion dollars, another 3.75 billion dollars went to fund other solar panel manufacturers, the details just being made public recently.

Republicans are fighting a valiant battle against these green solar companies, but not for that bullshit I just mentioned. Everyone knows that 3.75 billion dollars is bubcus. No one gives a shit. Let me give you an inside story you’re not going to hear on any of those main stream media outlets. Republican party officials have come across extremely sensitive information that has planet-wide implications. Because of this new information, the republican leadership has decided to use whatever means necessary to stop the production of solar panels. However, it has also been decided that alerting the public of this extreamly sensitive information could cause massive world destabilization if released. And I don’t blame them, it’s pretty fucked. So, republicans are using whatever means neccisary to stop these things from being made, including bitching about a pocket change. Hey, it’s working right?

Evil Solar PanelsSo what is this information republicans are sitting on that not only caused them to be so anti-solar, but can’t be released to the public? I was able to get my hands on this information with my super spy skills! My girlfriend helped I guess. Well, it’s not that they’ll all be paid millions of dollars in campaign donations from big oil. That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it? It’s actually quite the opposite. Solar panels are going to destroy the planet. Yes, DESTROY the planet. How so? By absorbing the sun. We all know how solar panels work, right? Specially designed panels produce energy by absorbing the suns rays and converting it into power we can use. But did we ever think about what this was doing to the thing producing those rays? Did we actually think the suns energy would last forever, especially if we kept absorbing it for our own selfish uses? Think again. I’ve done some calculations, and at our current pace of sun energy consumption, the sun will be depleted of energy in just under 5 billion years. Simply terrifying.

So why is the current administration so keen on depleting this precious resource? Those bastards have the same information the republicans do. Why don’t they stop this madness? Why pass on the problem to our childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens, childrens times a billion childrens, children? Money. It’s always about the money. There’s thousands of dollars to be made for those who support these evil industries. What greed. Well, now we know better Mr. President.

The earth and the sun.

A picture of the earth and the sun from space. The blue spot is the earth. Look how much of the sun its sucking up! We're so fucked.


I call for everyone and their mothers to go out tomorrow and destroy all solar panals! For the good of the planet!

-Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Berries and Cream

Welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays!

During my college years, I was a funny man. I was a clownish man. I was a…berries man. Not really, but everyone said I was, all because of this commercial. It defined my freshman year.

Well, apparently this guy is my twin. And you know what… I can see it.

Have a great weekend!

-Maxim

Berries and Cream

My Kids Like to Torture Pets Too

TMNTLast time on Maxim’s Madness we discussed my displeasure with how my students treated bugs. Throwing them like toys, ripping off their legs and presenting them to me as presents; great habits to allow a child to develop. Well, it doesn’t stop there. Despite the knowledge that these kids are sadistic, their teachers allow them to keep scores of pets, and task them to take care of them. We all had some sort of class pet growing up, sure, but I think these kids have you beat. Why you ask? It’s all solved by a little count.

Currently we have:
Two rabbits
A rooster
Not one, Not two, not three, not four, but FIVE turtles
A praying mantis

Can you believe it? What kind of crazy fucked in the head teacher would allow a group of kids so many pets? It blows my mind. Now you’re probably thinking, well, they can’t be that bad…at least they’re alive, right? Wrong. I present to you my evidence.

Turtles be fucked

First the turtles. Our kids always have at least one turtle. There are turtles appearing and disappearing and reappearing all the time. On one faithful day a couple of months ago, the kids found a very large turtle next to a river that runs next to us. Of course, the kids wanted to keep it as a pet, and from some inspiration from hell, the teachers agreed. Now this was a big fucking turtle. I mean, on par with some of the biggest turtles I had ever seen. I mean I’ve seen bigger in like an aquarium or something, but this is the wild! Those aquarium turtles don’t actually exist. Anyway, so imagine your laptop that was a turtle… maybe a little bit taller…thicker… that’s the turtle. It was a BIG turtle! So the teachers agreed to keep the it…only problem? Where the fuck they gonna keep a big fucking huge turtle? The usual place we keep turtles is a slightly larger than average bucket (no joke). So the teachers decided to put the big ass turtle in the bucket the size of the turtle. The kids loved it. Seeing the the turtle struggle to get out. Never being able to. Awesome. Kids laughter. Precious. Big turtle. Fun. Oh yeah, innocence. That turtle died in two weeks. They liked it enough to dig it a grave at least… what the fuck.

It’s not like they treat their normal sized turtles any better. Yeah, instead of one big turtle taking up all the room in the bucket, they put five in there. No rocks to lay on, nothing. The kids job is to change the water everyday and feed them, but in the process they have to remove the turtles from their bucket. So in the meantime they run around with the turtles like they are superturtles. Also when they finally put them back in their bucket they set aside a couple of minutes to shake up their water bucket to help the with turtle earthquake training (I guess?). Again, these aren’t the same kids day in and day out. Different kids have to clean the bucket each week. This is a be mean to animals epidemic. I need to kick the kids heads in one of these days.

Praying mantis death tribunal

Here’s a shorter, yet more direct story about our praying mantis. I have less experience with the torture these kids gave this poor guy, though I do know two important facts. First, the fairly large praying mantis is being kept in an old pencil case. Most people wold stop here and be like, “okay, that’s sad”, but it doesn’t stop. It actually gets worse. Second, the teacher had a meeting with the class to tell them that the school had run out of food for the mantis, and at this rate it probably die from starvation if nothing was done. Being the classes pet, she asked for some of the kids opinions, so they could have a vote on what to do. Here were the three main sides:

1. “I don’t care, I want it”
2. “Put another one in so it can die with a friend”
And the minority opinion 3. “We should let it go”

In the end, the class was unable to come to a consensus and the bug stayed where it was.
Awesome Praying Mantis
Okay….JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST! Am I some sort of liberal animal loving freak? Am I weird? Tell me! Is the whole world mad?!?!

I’m glad I vented all of that out. Sorry it took two whole posts to do it!