About Maxim

Big dreams, low motivation and drive. I feel like this has been the theme of my life. I wanted to go to a great university, almost failed out of High School. I wanted to be an awesome video editor, quit that in college. I want to be a rock star, haven't quit that dream...yet. Currently I am spending the prime of my life in rural Japan teaching English to kids. For many this may seem like the coolest thing in the world; for me, it's purgatory. A time sink till I find my true calling...which should include me being a rock star, or something related. This blog is my madness. An eye into the mind of someone who may or may not be a complete asshole.

The “Tea” Party

I Heart TeaRecently, something called the “tea party” has gained popularity throughout the United States. I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some dealings with the so called “tea” party and I have to say, they are a bunch of dirty liars. As a fellow tea lover myself, I graciously invited my local tea enthusiasts to my humble abode for a tea enthusiast get together. I was very excited. I painstakingly prepared a tea party that would impress even the most seasoned tea drinker; Tiny bite sized sandwiches, scones, biscuits, sweet tarts, crackers, and of course many different varieties of tea. I even drove all the way to the the fancy supermarket in Doylestown to get some extra special flavors.

When the faithful day finally came, however, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. What an ignorant, stupid, and loud bunch of people. They put shame the namesake that they have so clumsely taken for their own. They are ruining my way of life. They are ruining everything! Why can’t they just change their name to something else? They don’t have tea parties! It doesn’t make any sense! What they call a tea party is just gathering at some place yelling and screaming about some guy named O-bam-a. Who the hell is O-bam-a!? Alabama? Is O-bam-acare some sort of medicinal tea that they all don’t like? I think NOT. They had no interest in my tea and sandwiches. They even had the audacity, after I specifically mentioned on my invitation to “dress for the wonderful occasion” to come in party costumes. I meant button downs and slacks, not 1776 Boston sailor univforms! Perverts! I’ve made a formal complaint to the Tea Association of the United States to let everyone know about these mad men. I hope they are brought to justice soon.

Signing off quite angrily,

Maxim

The Tea Party

Sleepy Saturdays: One Sock Mystery

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Sleepy Saturdays. Having spent a lot of time by myself in my life, I think I am able to loook at myself and observe any possible quirks I may have better than someone who is not myself. That being said I think I have found one that merits some attention.

At home, I find I often only wear one sock.

One Sock Yes

I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know when it started. Most times I don’t even know how I got down to only one sock, as if I enter some sort of mental black hole. All I know is that it happens and its slightly weird.

Have any of you heard of anything like this? I would certainly like an explanaition as to someone would only wear one sock, as I do not know myself. Confused!

Thoughts?

Reading Rainbow Flash Mob: My Ideas

Reading RainbowRumor has it that LeVar Burton and some unnamed organization are planning to do a Reading Rainbow themed flash mob . This is possibly the best idea ever imagined. What isn’t available, and I think everyone in their right mind wants to know, are the details of what, when, and where this thing is going down! I’m thinking that they don’t quite know exactly what they want to do yet. Of course they want it to be frickin’ awesome, but maybe the talent and ideas around LeVar are lacking. Well, if they want a great idea look no further than your trusty blogger, Maxim. I have come up with a genius Reading Rainbow flash mob idea that is surely the best ever conceived. It is kind of complicated though, so I split it up into several parts for easy understanding. In addition this plan may need police and fire department cooperation in order for everyone not to get arrested. I guess you could say it’s a bit dangerous.

Part 1: The Book Burning
Book burning
The first part of my incredible flash mob is to stage a very large Nuremberg style book burning, led by a bunch of actors who happen to resemble neo-nazis. Everyone participating in this book burning will be part of the show. The mob shouldn’t be burning just any sort of books, they should all be burning children’s books. The neo-nazi actors will spur hate speech and angry anti-children book rhetoric, specifically targeting the lies that those kinds of books teach children. For example, something like how the book “Sunny With A Chance of Meatballs” lies to children about weather patterns, and consequently destroys our competitiveness in the sciences worldwide. Obviously, the bigger mob the mob, the bigger the fire and attention it will receive, so we want it to be big. I would recommend everyone bring at least 3-4 books to burn.

Part 2: The Pleading Onlooker
Think of the children
A woman will run on stage, grab the mic from the neo-nazi lookalikes and plead with the audience to stop what they are doing, and of course to think of the children. The grumpy neo-nazis will stage a struggle with the woman for the mic. They grab her, but before they can to take the mic out of her hands she screams one more thing: “HELP, HELP! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” That’s his cue.

Part 3: The Entrance

Suddenly, from large hidden speakers cleverly placed around the area, a sexy heavenly voice from above, LeVar, will say: “Did somebody say…children?” This begins the reading rainbow song. Well, not the actual song, you know, the part with the fluttering butterfly, and the nameless instrument sound thingy? The crowd will quiet and stop throwing their books. Enter the dashing LeVar Burton onto the scene. He will be riding on top of a parade float that looks like a giant rainbow with hundred of suspended books floating like butterflies. LeVar jumps off the float, backflips onto the stage, does another flip, high kicks the neo-nazi actors (who also happen to be stuntmen) and throws them into the fire, burning them alive. LeVar stands there for a while, looking like a complete badass in front of silenced crowd. He picks up the microphone from off the floor. “Don’t. Burn. Books” he says. A members from the mob scream, “Why”? He replies, “I’ll tell you why”.
High-Kick
Part 4: The Song and Dance

LeVar erupts into song, “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high…”. A lone man from the book burning mob sings “Take a look”, another woman sings “It’s in a book” and then crowd erupts into chorus “Reading Rainbow!”. After that LeVar keeps singing and the dancing begins. I was thinking that everyone be would be part of a pre-arranged color coded rainbow team wearing pre-arranged clothing of that color. That way they could make all sorts of cool rainbow formations. I’ll leave all that to an awesome choreographer, not my specialty.

So there you have it! Truly amazing isn’t it? And nothing like this has even been done before, I can assure you. So LeVar, if you were to ever do this, it would immortalize you as the god of flash mobbing and high kicking forever, guaranteed. Just letting you know.

Hope it happens!

-Maxim

P.S. Fun fact- I was actually on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was a kid, and got a chance to meet LeVar. Well, not really meet… but I did get his autograph! It was an episode on carousels, and they used the carousel around my house for the opening and ending sequence. At the end, he does his signature “See ya next time” all of us ran into the carousel and for the ending credits we’re all riding it. I got to sit one horse away from Levar. I got two or three closeups, too! Best moment of my life?

Lost iPhone 5 Just an Elaborate Rouse, Steve Jobs Tape Revealed

Carboard iPhone 5Apple is under investigation after a search conducted by San Francisco police for a lost iPhone 5 prototype turned out to be an elaborate rouse by the company in order to cover up the search an unrelated and undisclosed item. Apple reported that an employee lost the prototype at a bar. Police were suspicious of Apple after a raid on the man suspected of having the prototype’s house only turned up a sloppily painted piece of cardboard with a large Apple logo on it. Three Apple employees allegedly involved with the cover-up came forward to confess to police. The employees, composed of members of Apple’s security department, released a statement to the press.

“We will no longer be intimidated by Steve Jobs and Apple. We’ve given up our families, our lives for this company, all to hide Steve’s dirty secrets. No one cares, dude! A lot of guys have the same problem. Just deal with it. Let it go. Tell them about the tape already!”

The internet is abuzz with rumors about the contents of the tape. Most think it shows what a dick Steve Jobs actually is outside his keynote presentations at cult of Apple gatherings. We caught up with a current Apple employee familiar with the situation to help shed some light on the situation. “Steve is a dick, we don’t need a video evidence for that. It’s a sex tape. A sex tape of Steve Jobs from 1977 with a former fling of his, Chrisann Brennan.” When asked if he knew what “problem” the whistle-blowing employees were referring to the source said he didn’t know for sure, but had “heard that he, you know, ended the party early. Very, very, early. He’s been trying to prove that he doesn’t ever since…that’s why he’s so skinny”.

The former Apple security agents told police that in order to get the warrant to raid the suspected man’s apartment, they paid and dressed up a bum to take the piece of cardboard equipped with a GPS locator to the bar. The bum then slipped it to the man suspected of having the embarrassing sex tape.

No word on if they recovered the tape from the man’s house in the raid, but pre-ejaculating guru Steve Jobs is reported to have gained five pounds since the incident.
I Believe You, STEVE

For more information visita a real news source.

The Great Heist

Last week, I had announced that I had discovered the reason for the recent flurry of natural disasters occurring on the east coast of the United States. My Japanese girlfriend that I had taken to my home in an act of kindness, was actually a Japanese spy sent to reek havoc on the country I hold so dear. I vowed that I would have my revenge. After days of careful planning, I gave those ninja spies a little taste of their own medicine. What unfolded will go down as one of the greatest heists in the history of the world. Here is my story.
The Heist

America, FUCK YEAH! You can stop worrying about the stranglehold those ninjas had on the rest of the world now. Maxim’s in control now.

Until next time,

Maxim

P.S. A strong and destructive typhoon did actually hit Japan this past weekend. It was the first time the prefecture got directly hit by a typhoon in thirteen years. Seriously, what is with all these strange weather coincidences and me?

Sleepy Saturdays: What Makes Me Cry

Dawson from Dawson's Creek.Hello everyone, and happy Saturday! Typhoon rocking its way through Japan at the moment and I find myself right in the center. Fun! I’ll have more on that later this week, but I just want you all to know that maybe a little spies boyfriend had something to do with it. REVENGE!

In this edition of our weekly, too hung over to read a lot, blog posting, I would like to show you a simple video. Not just any other video, this video made me cry. Now a lot of you are saying, “That isn’t funny. What the fuck, Maxim?” Well, let me explain. This blog was founded on the principles of self-humilation and emasculation. If you don’t find emasculating me funny, there’s something wrong with you.

Normal people will look at this video, think its pretty corney, and that would be the end of it. Me on the other hand, have not been able to escape from the grasp of this video since they day I first saw it almost three years ago. It has burrowed into my heart and soul so deep, I dare say I may not be free of its grasp until the day I die. So do what you will, call me a bitch, a pussy, or any other slur about my manhood. I’m going to take it in stride, in fact I encourage it. And who knows, maybe it will pull at one of you cold bastard’s emotional heartstrings as well. Ok, so enough blabbering, here’s the video…

So that’s it. I cried like a baby. Even after all the countless viewings over all these years, when I watched that video again while writing this, tears came to my eyes. It’s some strange mix of Whitney Houston and lions that leaves me crawling for a tissue box. Again, I know some of you are heartless sons of bitches with no souls, but I want those of you who cried while watching this to speak up and show themselves. Be a man for gods sake. We can console in each other. Cuddle session?

Anyway, enjoy your weekend. It’s Saturday, wooo!

-Maxim

The Monsters Around Town: Meet the Thing

Welcome to another edition of the Monsters Around Town, where we introduce you to all sorts of different monsters living among us humans. This week we sat down with a big fan favorite, the Thing. You may remember him from a film of the same title, as the monster that takes over people’s bodies, impersonate them, tricks that persons friends into thinking it’s really the original person, then killing and impersonating all of the friends! Here’s our exclusive unedited interview.
The Thing
*DISCLAMER* Maxim’s Madness does not condone monster racism, or any other form of discrimination. Any offensive comments made are the views of the interviewer, and not those of Maxim’s Madness.
MM: Where the hell is he? We’ve been waiting here hours for that frankie.

Intern: I don’t know, but it’s said he can take control over anyone’s body… so…maybe he’s already here. Maybe he’s been here for hours…inside one of us.

MM: First of all, it’s not a he or a she, it’s an IT. I don’t even know why they even make me interview these frankie assholes in the first place. They just want to eat us.

Assistant (Fred): Frankie is a very hateful word, Maxim.

MM: Whatcha talking about, Fred? You a frankie lover?

Assistant?: FrankenSTEIN was a great monster; he led our people from being mere forest dwellers to respected citizens accepted by society. You would do well to remember that. That’s part of the reason I agreed to do this show. To let people know the plight of–

MM: What do you mean our people? Wait…Thing?

Assistant (The Thing): Some people call me that.

MM: Thinnnggggggg. What’s up, man?

The Thing: Mm hmm.

MM: It was really hard to track you down, Thing. Are you always in somebody else’s body?

Assistant: You talking to me, boss?

MM: Boss? What? Fred?? The thing was just in you, dude! Where’d that frankie go?

Assistant: The Thing was in me? COOL!

*door opens, closes again*

Jeff Bridges: Over here. I thought I told you to stop using that hateful word.

MM: What the…Thing? You took over Jeff Bridges? The Dude? Look at that frankieover there. The Dude is the fucking MAN!

The Dude

Thing: He is one of my vassals. And with him, I will teach you a lesson. That word brings my people pain, and disrespects our leader. Now I will cause you pain.
*The Thing takes a knife and stabs himself(Jeff Bridges) in the gut*

MM: Oh, dear god! You fucking frankie! You stabbed the Dude! How could you stab the fucking DUDE?

The Thing: I will…ahggggggggh… kill…aackhh…everyone…kkaaaakchhh…you love! Don’t call us…graaaghwaawa… frankies.

*collapses*

MM: Shit. Is he dead?

Intern: Looks pretty dead…

MM: I mean the frankie.

*door opens and closes*

Kim Kardashian: I am not dead. Will this body give me your attention?

MM: Thiiiingggggg! You got hot!
Kim Kardashian
The Thing: I was told this was going to be an interview so…

MM: By the way, are you give the Dude a proper burial or you just going to leave him there?

The Thing: …are you going to ask me a question?

MM: That is a question. You know you have to give his ashes to the wind… spread them into the sea… it’s the Lebowski way… or do you frankies don’t even give us that courtesy? You just eat us, or stab us in the gut!

*The Thing reaches out and touches the bulge in Maxim’s pants*

The Thing: How is that. Will you ask a question now? Look, I’m beautiful.

MM: Dudeeee, the frankie is touching my balls, gross! You gay or something? Have it your way frankie. Ok, question, how are you taking over all these famous peoples bodies so quickly?

The Thing: I have a dungeon. A dungeon of celebrities.

MM: So why pick Kim Kardashian? She’s a bitch.

The Thing: I like to look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful.

MM: Uhh, gay. And who else you got in this celeb dungeon of yours?

The Thing: Mandy Moore, Justin Bieber, Gene Simmons…

MM: GENE SIMMONS?

The Thing: Gene Simmons.

MM: SHOW ME GENE SIMMONS!

The Thing: You don’t make demands to the Th—

MM: Don’t make me ask twice, forest frankie. Just show me Gene Simons.

The Thing: I will. But you must promise to give me some time to explain more about that hateful word. Also, if you say it again I may not be able to hold back my aggression towards you…

MM: Right, right, monsters, frankies, whatever. Now show me the Simmons!

The Thing: Wait here.

*Kim Cardashien leaves*

MM: This is gonna to be great.

*Door opens, closes*

Gene Simmons: Here he is.

MM: GEORGEOUS! I love Gene Simmons! Can I touch your tongue? Yes? Thanks! Boy, is it getting hot in here, or what? I LOVE Gene SIMMONSSS! And I thought I would only be interviewing boring frankies for the rest of my life.

The Thing: ffffffffFFFFFFRRAAAAANKKKKKIEEEEEEE!?

MM:Oh, shit! Gotta run!

And there you have it! Keep checking back for more interviews with the Monsters Around Town. If you have any suggestion for future interviews, please make your voice heard in the comments section!

Frankie

A Vision of Fame

It’s no secret that the goal of this blog is to be the best. To rise to the top, tear out the hearts of all, and rape their souls until they bend a knee to its greatness. However, the path to that glorious future has alluded me…until now. It came to me in a vision at a time I needed it most. A dream if you must, but it was a glorious dream. The vision had laid before me all the characters, all the pieces I would need to earn my reign as king of comedy, song, and the world. It made so much sense I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it earlier.

The Vision

I was on a stage in front of thousands of people. They were silent. Watching me and one other. At first I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid and confused. Suddenly, my partner started singing: You are…my fire. The one…desire. I stood there silently, mind blank. The crowd was restless. Then, primal reflexes and talents began to emerge from me like a volcano erupting. I raised the microphone and began to sing: Believe…when I say… I want it that way. The crowd went wild.
It felt so right
Me and my partner did an entire show. We ran into the crowd, came in and out of secret entrances, popped out where no would expected us to, blew kisses to girls, crowd surfed, did backflips. It was epic. The concert ended with an encore performance of one of the greatest songs ever written, and four simple words…Backstreets back, all right! The place exploded. It was awesome. I was a star.

After the show we were chillin’ backstage. People were coming up to me, giving me high-fives. Yeah, I was the fucking man. Then superstar Nick Cannon came in. I wasn’t surprised to see him at all. He told me that whenever I wanted, he could get me into the recording studio and we would collaborate on a record. I intended to.

Closer than brothers

The vision was clear. I must join a Backstreet Boys cover band and seek out Nick Cannon. This is my quest. I was thrown into this world with no direction and no purpose, now, not only do I have a purpose, I have a gift. I went to karaoke the other day and sang “I want it that way” just to be sure. What came out of my mouth and into my ears was like a hundred virgin angels caressing my heartstrings. This is no joke.

Now nothing can stop me from my rightful fame.

Until then, keep it fresh.

-Maxim

P.S. 50th post! Woo hoo!

When Spiders Attack

SpidermanI hate seeing animals die. I hate seeing animals suffer in any way. I can’t stand the site of it. Tears come to my eyes when fictional dogs, horses, or even those bitchass dolphins are killed off in movies; yet when there’s a bloodbath of human destruction and death I’m totally fine with it. Maybe you’d even catch me cheering it on. Gotta love society today.

That being said, I can’t kill anything, no matter what… even bugs. I don’t have the heart for it. I’m a big baby. One time during Sophomore year of college I let four or five cockroaches live in my desk. They didn’t bother me, I didn’t bother them. Well, they did bother me, a lot. But I still couldn’t bring myself around to get rid of them. I even decided to name them. Actually, since I had rarely seen more than one at a time, I think I just named them all Mario. Good times.

Bugs can torture me, they can climb all over me, they can live with me, eat, breed, enjoy basking the fruits of my room, yet I am helpless to resist them. So when the spider nation decided to wage war on me and my way of life, they basically had already won. It wasn’t me directly that they attacked. They hadn’t crawled in through the windows or anything; they hadn’t even entered my apartment at all. What they did attack though, was my main means of transport: my bike. Left outside and exposed to the elements, it was an easy target for the eight legged beasts.

It was around July when the spider webs began popping up all over the place. A normal enough site, spiders in the summer. I had never had bad experiences with spiders, or spider webs. I had stayed away from them, and they generally would stay away from me. One day, however, I caught a spider building its web between my bike, and the column that it was lying against. No big deal. I moved my bike and destroy the fledgling web, knowing the little guy could easily build another one. The next day I go to ride my bike again. What I saw stopped me in my tracks. There was a fully developed, foot long spider web in same place as last time, between my bike and the column. Only the night before had I returned the bike to its parking spot, clean, yet there it was; A big and full-bodied spiderweb with a big fat spider in the middle.

“These fuckers build fast”, I thought to myself. I stood there for literally five minutes. I didn’t want to destroy this spider’s web. I thought of how much energy it must have taken the little guy to make a web this big. I thought about how he had probably just finished it and must be really tired and hungry. I thought if I had destroyed the web, it would probably die. The moral dilemma gripped me for what seemed like an eternity. However, not willing to miss work on the account of a spider, I very reluctantly moved my bike and destroyed the web, making sure not to physically hurt the spider. The little guy never saw it coming. He scampered off and dissapered in a flash. “I’m so sorry” I said out loud, “Choose a better spot next time, little buddy”. I thought that would probably be the end of it, but boy was I wrong. Little had I know, I had triggered an endless assault that would drive me to near insanity.

The next day there was another one, and another one the next day, and the next. There were times where I would use my bicycle two, maybe three times a day, and every time I would have to clear a new web off my bike. It continues on to this day. I literally can be off my bike for five minutes and I can be sure there is a new critter crawling around encompassing my bike in its web. Needless to say I am getting annoyed, especially since I still don’t want to kill the little bastards. I have to use other ways to coerce them off my bike. Mainly, all I can do is either shake my bike up and down trying to force it off, or try and blow it away. These are the only tools I have against them.

Despite my amazing anti-spider tactics *cough*, the spider still sometimes manages to scurry off into some small crevice on the bike, forcing me to ride with the spider still crawling around. It’s the worst. This happens to me so much that I have begun to imagine spiders on my arms and legs, spinning their web on me while riding. I find myself swapping my legs at the tiniest sensation, wiping off spider webs that aren’t there. Sometimes I feel pain like I had just been bitten, when it is nothing. Fuck I don’t know! How am I supposed to know if these spiders are poisonous or not? I’m afraid!

Hope is not too far off, however. The end of summer is in sight. All I have to do is wait till mid september and I’ll be free of them… Yes…free…

I have made a graphic representation of my troubles for you all to see. It conveys my feelings well.

Spiders on my bike

If any of you have any advice as to get these spiders to stop covering my bike in their sticky web hell, I’d love to hear it. If not, then pray for me.

Until next time!

-Maxim