Tag Archives: humor

Golden Child Sells His Kidney for an iPad 2

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Shit, have you guys heard about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad 2? Talk about desperate…

Smoke that crack, yeah...

A photo taken of the Golden Child before the operation.

LHASA, Tibet (AP) — The Golden Child, a young Tibetan holy monk from Eddie Murphy fame, masquerading as a Chinese teenager named Zheng, has sold his kidney for about 3000 dollars to get enough money to buy an iPad 2. When he returned home from the operation, his followers noticed something was strange when the Golden Child came back with the the new tablet and a thousand dollars worth of ecstasy pills. They promptly called the authorities when they heard what happened.

The young mystic was allegedly corrupted by desire brought on by so called “cool” advertisements from Apple. Sources claim that the young boy had grown tired of being sought out by Tibetan monks from around the world who wanted to use him for his healing powers and blessings. “It’s a big drag” said the Golden Child, “With the iPad 2, I could find an app for doing all that, dipshit”. The Golden Child, who since birth has lived only on tea leaves given to him by his followers, could not afford the massive 499 dollar price tag. He sought alternative means.

I'm too lazy to move my hand.

A typical advertisement from Apple.

The alleged perpetrator Sardo Numpsa, the demon lord foiled years ago by the Chosen One Eddie Murphy, had returned from the underworld looking for ways to obtain the Golden Child’s kidney. He had heard it would grant the owner the means to do an unlimited amount of illicit drugs with no negative side effects. “Why should only the Golden Child have that power? Demons are very sensitive to smoking rocks and doing nazi crank, we need extra protection”, adding “He’s the golden child; he could just poop out a new kidney”.

Earlier this week the golden child, while purportedly high off methamphetamine and elephant tranquilizers had discovered an ad offering fast cash for young Buddhist kidneys, and quickly responded. Asked why he was not suspicious of the advertisement, the golden child responded that it “looked like the real shit” and we should “get off (his) big golden balls”.

The internet age demon, out for the Golden Child's kidney.

The Demon Lord posed as this respectable organ dealer.

Demon Lord Numpsa posed on the advertisement as a distinguished family Chinese organ dealer. He paid for the golden child, now disguised as a young Chinese teenager named Zheng, to travel to a hospital in Chenzhou City, Hunan Province, to get the operation done. When asked why the golden child hadn’t seen through Demon Lord Numpsa’s disguise he responded, “I dunno, I was fucked on methadone”.

While the Golden Child’s monestary has filed a complaint against Demon Lord Numpsa, according to one of the Golden Child’s followers he a has “no interest” in seeking justice as he “had already pooped out a replacement kidney, and is tricked out from 4 hits of X and 12 straight hours playing Geometry Wars for his new tab”.

What a bad-ass.

The mystical Eddie Murphy.

Squiggly Lines Around the World: Canji Edition

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Squiggly lines are everywhere. I’m using them right now. You’ve probably used them too. They’re very convenient. But in my world travels, I’ve seen that different countries use different kinds of squiggly lines. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why the hell would they use DIFFERENT squiggly lines? Our squiggly lines are just fine…and more American!” That’s a great question. I’ve been researching for days on the subject and I think I’ve found the reason. Most of them are anti-American, anti-Western hippies. Now I have been living in one of these countries for a while now, and I think I have begun to decipher some of their squiggly lines. If we could all try and learn some of their squiggly lines, I think we could really stick it to them. I will share with you some of my findings today.

Country: J-Land, Squiggly Lines: Canji (pronounced CAN like coke can, and JI like gee-whiz)

Now it has been said that there are over a million Canji in J-Land. From the outsiders perspective it may seem like a pretty daunting task to learn them all!  According to legend, they made the first Canji by just using the shape of the object to write the squiggly line. Neat, huh? Thanks to me I have found three of the simplest and most important Canjis. I will teach them to you today.

Canji #1

Canji number one is one of the most important squiggly lines in J-Land. It’s quite simple!

Remember, they based these squiggly lines off of real objects. What do you think it means? Take a guess!

You’re right! It is the Canji for person!

Canji #2:

Here is Canji number two. Equally as important as number one.

I know, it is a lot harder then Canji number one. Don’t get scared off! Just remember that they used REAL THINGS to make their system of squiggly lines! Do you have it?

Right again! It’s the Canji for mouth.

Canji #3

Here it is, the last Canji. Actually, it’s two for one! One of the most important in all of J-Land.

Have you figured it out yet? By now you should be a pro!

What could it be?Tetris of course!

Wow, great job! It’s the Canji for Tetris. Isn’t it amazing that they had the forethought to create a squiggly line for Tetris, even though it wouldn’t be created for thousands of years?

That does it for todays edition of Squiggly Lines Around the World. Remember these next time you’re in J-Land (and China!), and really stick it to those hippies.

Until next time!

-Maxim

The World Will End

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In my previous post I mentioned something about some sort of something song that I wrote. Well, even though I can’t play the guitar or sing for shit, I still think it is a piece of lyrical genius. The song is still missing a bridge and a one verse, but I thought I would share it. It would be a crime not too. Again, I must advise all people reading the song to read it silently with the voice of Jack Black in your head. Words in all caps are there for emphasis. Use your Jack Black head voice to scream those parts.

The World Will End

by Maxim

It’s a nice nice sunny day

All the animals come to play

With those fuzzy wuzzy tails I want to touch!

 

One comes up close to me

And he says one simple thing

The world is gonna end… you’re gonna DIE!

 

It starts off slow at first with

*The thunder and the lightning

But the next thing you know

You’re  running from RABID BEARS

 

*Chorus*

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

We all need help

We’re so fucking screwed

 

People running scared

From all those rabid bears

Do not realize that it’s a trap

 

The bears have formed a pact

With the dogs and the cats

And soon that pet chiwawa has your HEAD

 

You thought it was a good idea

To put Snickle fritz on youtube

But little did you know

It has led to your doom.

 

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

Those dogs are pissed.

We’re so fucking screwed

 

Bob right down the street

Told me something neat

He said that there’s a way to save the earth!

 

He says we must go on a quest

Into the hornet’s nest

And kill that snickle fritz, YES, one and for all!

 

That chiwawa’s a beast

Don’t let his looks deceive you!

He’ll tear out your heart

And turn it to poo!

 

The world will end

There’s nothing to lose

Snickle fritz!!!!!

We’re so fucking screwed

 

 

Thats all I have for now. Makes you wanna step on a couple of chiwawa’s heads doesn’t it? Still got to figure off how to kill of snicklefritz…that bitch.

Cya around, bloggies.

-Maxim

The Beginning

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This is it. The beginning. My blog. Let me just inform you that I have started this on a complete whim with no idea of where this will be going. Will I even continue writing through the week? As with most people, that’s probably based on how popular and awesome it becomes…which I must say is very, very likely.

The question: Can I even do this?

The answer: Probably not, but my heart says YES!

Let’s break this down.

Reasons why I can:

  • Extreme short term confidence: I usually start things with this amazing confidence that I will be able to succeed and excel above all others. This includes when I get into drunk fights against opponents much larger than me.
  • An inordinate amount of free time: This is a doozy. The down time I have at my job allows my mind to wander to the abyss of my imagination. This is where I get many of my ideas, including the one where I decided I want to be some sort of rock star.
  • Interesting interests: This may be a piggyback off the confidence thing, but I think what I like is interesting and other people should like it… or learn to! Not to come off as a self-centered jerk or anything but… yeah… I REALLY DO THINK THAT!
Chicken confidence

I'm the one on the right.

Reasons why I can’t:

  • I can’t write: You may have noticed by now, but I can’t write for shit. Excuse the language. If I could write, I would be able to replace shit with some other magical, less offensive, word to express my feelings. I’m more of a verbal wordsmith. I run my mouth off and piss people off. I can’t do that in writing! For most people this would be a deal breaker… you can’t write then don’t. Keep to facebook. But not I.
  • I give things up quickly: Remember when I said I have lots of confidence in the short term? Well, that runs out awfully fast. An example: Yesterday I wrote a song. I thought this song would make me an immediate rock star. I got home and realized I couldn’t even play my own song on the guitar… and my voice doesn’t sound like Jack Black (that’s the way I sung it in my head).
  • I’ve got no friends: Pretty self explanatory.
  • It won’t become awesome.
  • It’s slightly embarrassing.
  • Boobs.

Woah, got super negative at the end there! What happened to all that confidence?! Anyway, logic states, based on my proven method of reasoning, that I shouldn’t do this. But I’m gonna.

Stay classy and keep reading, blogsphere. To end, one of the ultimate confidence songs of all time… from the Karate Kid with Mr. Miyagi… “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito.

-Maxim